Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I pledge allegiance to the fag of the United States of America

Who is this man? He's not Ashton Kutcher's twin brother. He's not a recent Harvard law graduate. It's....Kevin Federline. Looking more K-fag than K-Fed.

He showered off most of the skank and did a photo shoot for Item magazine (out on June ). Here are some clips from the interview:

On the public: "I should just put a bulls-eye on my back. If I stay home and take care of my wife and my kids, then I'm a loafer, not a good father. If I try to have a career, nobody thinks I am caring for my family. I can't win." He's right. He can't win. He can't win because he's just a loser.
On rumors: "You'll never see that guy they say cheats or goes partying all the time. If I'm there and I'm out at a club, I am there for a reason. I am not there to mingle with women. All that shit is done to me. I did that when I was 21." I'm pretty sure you did it when you were about 26 too. Remember, you had a pregnant girlfriend and then you cheated on her and "mingled" with Britney.
On his kids: "It's completely unfair when a child is brought into this world an now he's already looked at like a prince. My kids are going to have to learn what a real job is, what life is. You don't have it easy with me. Period....My kids are going to work at Taco Bell, dammit." Does Kevin Federline even know what a real job is like? He danced once for like 5 seconds and has been living off Britney ever since. I think if his kids are lucky they'll end up at Taco Bell- they could just turn out to be unemployed baby machines like him.
On his image: "I wish people would ask me about my career. Usually it's, 'How's the wife and kids?' Not that I mind; that's my pride and joy. But it would be nice for people to look at me like an artist. The day they judge me as an artist, a CEO, as somebody, not Britney Spears' husband, that's the day I am looking forward to." What career? I wonder if it ever crossed his mind that people might ask about his career if he had one.
On his media conspiracy theory: "The same day Dick Cheney shoots someone, they've got me on the cover of MSN [Web site]. It's life they're diverting attention from what's really going on." I laughed out loud on this one. The White House is now using Kevin Federline as a way to divert attention away from our Vice President. Like people care about Kevin Federline. Most people over the age of 30 don’t know about or care about Kevin Federline. Next up on Fox News -- who cares about the war in Iraq, Kevin Federline is having another baby. Wigga please! [source]

Oh Man... this is Sol Goode!

via Towleroad

Birthday ALARM

Actor Colin Farrell is 30.

Actor-director Clint Eastwood is 76.
Singer Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul and Mary is 68.
Actress Sharon Gless (Cagney and Lacey) is 63.
Actor Gregory Harrison is 56.
Actor Tom Berenger is 56.
Actress Lea Thompson (Caroline in the City) is 45.
Singer Corey Hart is 44.
Actress Brooke Shields is 41.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Who knew?

Not me! Shaq is a U.S. marshal who fights kiddie porn. Good for him. It would be really fun if Dateline NBC could get him to come dress up like a 7+ foot bush that jumps out of nowhere to tackle down sexual predators. You think I'm making this up but it really happens...they have police officers on their "To Catch a Predator with Chris Hansen" episodes who dress up like bushes. I record them on my DVR. They're fun. I always think one of my old boyfriends is going to be on there. Anyway, I couldn't find a picture so you can make one up in your head. It's more fun. [source]

X-Men or X-Gays?

Spare me the "Separated at Birth?" bullshit here.
What were The Beast's special powers? I just didn't get it. Was he the pinnacle of mental and physical strength, or just a big pussy with heartfelt, wounded sincerity? AKA The Pussy Monster.
The ONLY thing I left the theater certain about was the explicit overarching social commentary throughout the film. I mean, within the first few minutes of the film ,we see a small child sawing off his wings, embarrassed because he knew his father would be so disappointed to have a mutant [fag] for a son.
That's just the beginning, and of course, the chaos comes to a head in the gayest of all gayborhoods... San Francisco. Coincidence?
I guess it's more about having choices and making the right choice for yourself... And I have made my choice. YES PLEASE!

Been there, done that.

My mother read the blog the other day and she was like "you really don't like Paris Hilton, do you?" That was it. No "good blog." "I raised a witty, sometimes-obnoxious daughter." "You have dirty fingers (in place of a dirty mouth since I'm not technically talking)." "Your friends are funny." Just, "you really don't like Paris Hilton." So, in the spirit of me not liking Paris Hilton here's a picture of her with her balls hanging out. Not really but they look like they'd be hanging out if her bathing suit was pulled over to the side. I bet it actually happened shortly after this picture was taken. Anyway, I'm sure you've all seen these pics but Paris somehow managed to perform a nip slip in a bathing suit that belongs in the Golden Girls. Acutally, it's so bad it belongs in the Golden Girls spin-off "The Golden Palace." Anyone remember that? It's where the girls minus Dorothy bought a cheesy hotel in Miami and they had Cheech (of Cheech and Chong, of course!) as the cook and Don Cheadle as the front desk guy... Why does she even bother wearing pasties under that?

Oprah doesn't care about black people

Or at least she doesn't care about rappers according to Luda, Fiddy, and now Cube.

I doubt Oprah's white, middle-class, Midwestern, hausfrau audience is ready for "Fuck tha Police," although maybe it'd do them some good.


Birthday ALARM

Guitarist Tom Morello of Audioslave and Rage Against The Machine is 42.

Actor Michael J. Pollard is 67.
Actor Colm Meaney (Star Trek: The Next Generation) is 53.
Actor Ted McGinley (Hope and Faith, Married...With Children) is 48.
Actor Ralph Carter (Good Times) is 45.
Country singer Wynonna is 42.
Guitarist Patrick Dahlheimer of Live is 35.
Rapper Cee-Lo with Goodie Mob is 32.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Indentity Theft

What is Brittany Murphy doing? She appears to be turning herself into Fergie. In fact, she looks more like Fergie in that picture than Fergie looks like Fergie. She needs to say no to those big gold hoops, halter top (please God, don't let that be a halter jumpsuit) and the high-waisted, wide belt and go back to her old, boring style.

The Real Jolie-Pitt

Angelina and Brad's baby was born. The world is still turning. The sun still rose and set. Life goes on. It's a girl. Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt was born at the Welwitschia Clinic in Walvis Bay on Satuday. Mother and daughter are reportedly doing well. Namibians are supposedly contemplating a national holiday celebrating the birth of the child. I've never seen a country so desperate to come up with a reason to have a holiday. Ridiculous!

I don't know why all those people traveled to Namibia for pictures. All newborns look alike. The newborn baby girl to the left is not their actual baby but unless Shiloh has three eyes or a beard, I'm sure it looks just like her.

Happy Memorial Day

Friday, May 26, 2006

Could it be true?

Britain's The Sun is reporting that Brit kicked Kevin out. Finally. And I hope he took his super-bionic sperm with him.


All-Gay Friday

Continuing with today's theme. . .

Everyone's favorite reporter, Anderson Cooper, admits the following to TV Guide, which would be insanely creepy if he was straight:

TV Guide: But you do have a lighter side as well. Like your affinity for My Super Sweet 16 ?

Cooper: Oh, yeah. Totally. But now I've moved on to Tiara Girls. My god, they should all be lined up and shot. It's fantastic! And these parents... I don't know if you saw the promo, with the mother encouraging her daughter to get liposuction?! The girl's already getting collagen and the mother's like, "How about some liposuction." I'm also addicted to Idol.


There is a GOD... JARED LETO IS GAY!

JUST KIDDING! i'm still going to kick jared's ass for fucking with my mind. But...

In an AIM Interview with AOL Music, actor and musician Jared Leto typed these words into AOL Instant Messenger:
ThirtySecondLeto: I’ll give you an exclusive....
TyeinMusic: ooh. lay it on me
ThirtySecondLeto: I’m gay
TyeinMusic: *!*
TyeinMusic: please tell me you're serious
ThirtySecondLeto: as a goose.

GAY AS A FUCKING GOOSE! Jared, if you're reading this, my number is...

The alphabet network hates the gays

This from Contact Music:


A planned ABC sitcom produced by Elton John and his longtime lyricist, Bernie Taupin, about a gay rock star will apparently never see the light of a TV tube. According to Fox News, the show, titled Him & Us, which was to have starred Anthony Head [Ed. Hahaha. You can bet Elton and Bernie had a giggle over that last name] as Max Flash and Sex and the City's Kim Cattrall as his manager Samantha, was not picked up despite initial favorable reaction to the pilot. In an interview with The Stage magazine, Cattrall remarked, "It would have been a great series. Perhaps the subject matter might have been too much for some people."
Call me crazy, but my guess is that the problem is not so much the subject matter, but the fact that it would star this person:

Publicity Whore (No, Not Paris Hilton)

It's strange to think about the lengths people will go to for attention. Call it self-serving narcissism, or all it gratuitous self promotion, or perhaps shameless marketing tactics... in this case however, I'm calling it like I see it... and Beanie Siegel... you're just a fucking idiot!

The photograph above is of Beanie Sigel leaving a Philadelphia hospital yesterday morning, after suffering gun shot wounds to both arms in what police believe was an attempted robbery.

I will attempt to provide a bulleted list to illustrate why I believe this "alleged" shooting was a publicity stunt, and why Beanie Segel should be considered a retarded version of David Blaine - the ultimate publicity whore.

  • Beanie was shot around 8:00 a.m. Sources say that Sigel was found near 22nd and Sigel Street, the street from which the rapper's name derives. Curious...
  • Sigel told police that five black men in two vehicles boxed him in and that a bearded man in jeans and boots opened fired, hitting the rapper once in his upper-right arm. I know you're fat dude, but come on. Boxed in by two cars? I know a retarded three-legged dog that could probably maneuver his way outta that one.
  • Sigel's wallet, watch and money were taken. 5 black men boxed you in with two cars, shot you in both arms, and only took your wallet, your watch, and some money? My house got robbed a few months back and they got away with more. Seems worth it, right? Uh, no.
  • Reps for Sigel said that the rapper went straight to the studio after the shooting to finish recording songs for his new album, tentatively titled The Bad Guy. Maybe he raps better on Codeine.
  • Sigel is planning to release an untitled song this weekend (May 27). Coincidence?

Hey Beanie, sorry to blow up your spot, but I'm still not going to buy your album.


Yeah, I gained weight for a movie role, too.

Janet Jackson, she of the crystal meth diet, claims that she a.) packed on weight for a movie role that never materialized and b.) has lost 60 pounds since January by relying on her parents' genes and good people. Um, SURE, honey. We believe you.

Read the full article (click below). My favorite part is the none-too-subtle slam on fellow porker Mariah.


Birthday ALARM

Singer Lenny Kravitz is 42.

Singer Stevie Nicks is 58.
Actor Philip Michael Thomas (Miami Vice ) is 57.
Actress Pam Grier is 57.
Country singer Hank Williams Jr. is 57.
Comedian Bobcat Goldthwait is 44.
Actor Joseph Fiennes (Shakespeare in Love ) is 36.
South Park co-creator Matt Stone is 35.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Madonna Knows What Jesus Will Do...

Madonna is defending her disco cross mock-crucifixion saying it is part of an appeal to the audience to donate to AIDS charities. "I don't think Jesus would be mad at me and the message I'm trying to send," she told the New York Daily News, "Jesus taught that we should love thy neighbour."

I don't get how Madonna being crucified on a disco cross has anything to do with me donating money to help children with AIDS but it's her concert so whatever... [source]

Find Out How Hard I Gotta Work Ya..

This is Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox. Brian Austin Green is like in his early 30's and is probably best known as David Silver from Beverly Hills 90210. Megan Fox is some 20 year-old actress from something who was 4 years old when Beverly Hills 90210 started. She'll also grab your crotch while you're eating lunch. Lucky man.

Breaking News: Kids Talk About Sex on MySpace

Yes, Marie Osmond, you crazy brother-loving Mormon, your daughters are ridin' durty.

On her site, 18-year-old Jessica, who was adopted by Osmond as an infant, claims she is a bi-sexual who craves sex "as many times as possible," while her 16-year-old sister describes herself as a "slut" and a "whore" in correspondence and opened up about her dreams of having sex with DAVID BOWIE.
Not to worry. These girls will be "dealt with." I'm sure the Mormons have ways of driving the normal out of people., like some reverse exorcism. Regardless, I'm sure there are a couple of horny old polygamists in Utah who are a-ok with this news. . .

Remembrance Of How Crazy Crazy Is.

Britney wrote us a poem. She dedicated it to "everyone who thinks they know me" and included this nice picture of her and some skanks giving us the finger. Oh, she's bad! I need to check her website more often...her handlers must not be around to edit.

Remembrance of Who I Am by Britney Spears

No more chains
That you gave me.

Enough of pain
Now I'm craving
Something sweet, so delight
How do you stand sleeping at night?

Silly patterns that we follow
You pull me in
I'm being swallowed.
By the ones you think you love
They pull you down
You can't see up above.

Manipulation is the key
They screw it in
Because you’re naive.

You come to me now
Why do you bother?
Remember the Bible
The sins of the Father.
What you do
You pass down.
No wonder why
I lost my crown.

You don’t see me now
You ask yourself why
My crown is back
And it’s way too high
For you to be in my Presence
Especially my son
You should bow down
I’ve only just begun

The guilt you fed me
Made me weak.
The voodoo you did
I couldn’t speak

You’re awakening
The phone is ringing.
Resurrection of my soul
The fear I’m bringing
What will you say
And what will you do?
She’s not the same person that you’re used to.

You trick me once, twice, now it’s three.
Look who’s smiling now
Damn, it’s good to be me!

...and then you hear the sweet sound of a cuckoo clock striking midnight. Will you just take a look at how good it is to be her:

Fashion-ana-tomy 101

I guess this is what would happen if Paris Hilton was somehow appointed Secretary of Education. Check out more celebrity gossip inspired art at Gallery of the Absurd!

Don't Forget To Have Angelina Autograph Your Visa Application

If you want to go visit Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and their rainbow children in Namibia OR if you hope to use your paparazzi skills to catch a post-delivery picture of the most publicized fetus in the world, you're going to have to get their permission first. Yes, you'll need their permission to enter the country. According to the Namibian embassy in Washington, D.C. (I didn't even know it existed until now), any journalist wishing to travel to the African republic to cover the birth of the celebrity couple's first biological child must include a letter of consent--from the celebrity couple. Chapter 3, Article 13 of the Namibian constitution states "no persons shall be subject to interference with the privacy of their homes." The provision was cited by the Namibian embassy as to why Pitt and Jolie essentially were being allowed to sign off on which journalists get visas and which don't. It's nice to see a country still upholding its constitution to the fullest extent. [source]

Birthday ALARM

Actor Jamie Kennedy (Scream) is 36.

Actor Ian McKellen (Lord of the Rings) is 67.
Actress Patti D'Arbanville (New York Undercover) is 55.
Actress Connie Sellecca is 51.
Actor-comedian Mike Myers is 43.
Actress Anne Heche is 37.
Actresses Sidney and Lindsay Greenbush (Little House on the Prairie) are 36.
Actor Justin Henry (Kramer Vs. Kramer) is 35.
Singer Lauryn Hill is 31.
Actor Ethan Suplee (My Name Is Earl) is 30.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Burn, Baby! Burn!

This is my last firecrotch post. I promise! In case you just got out of jail, want to see the video again or you just have no idea what I'm talking about, you can view it all here. I swear this video can cure depression. I'm about to start clinical trials next week.


I don't watch American Idol but I do know it's down to some grey-haired man and some plain looking brown-haired girl. The winner should be decided shortly. We're not here to talk about that thought…we're here to talk about this purple jacket. The grey-haired man is Taylor Hicks and he does not belong in this jacket. EVER. TMZ is reporting that Taylor went to the LA store Traffic with his stylist (yes, he has a stylist for whatever reason), tried on this jacket, said “ok, I feel it” and instantly bought the Dolce & Gabbana number for $1,648. He paid $1,647.99 too much. The stylist should be bound, gagged and forced to watch American Idol reruns for a month straight. Prince wouldn’t even look good in this jacket. Barney the dinosaur wouldn’t even look good in this jacket.

Taylor doing his best impression of the expression I made when I saw him in this jacket:

Things That Make You Go EW!

Borat hit the beach in one hell of speedo thong. I didn't know they sold those in Kazakhstan. Sascha Baron Cohen is supposedly one of the top 5 hottest Jewish men according to the survey of blind Jewish women we reported on the other day. I know he's in "character" right now but I'm pretty sure all that body hair is real and really not yummy.

Tell It Like It Is Ms. Jackson

You be the judge:


FASHION FIX: Will & Mercilessness

Now that Will & Grace is over, I'm still trying to figure out where I'm going to get my Thursday dose of gay. In the meantime, here's an interesting little Will & Grace finale story for you: word is that Debra Messing got a little series-end diva-ish when the cameras weren't rolling. Debra supposedly had it in her contract that she was able to keep the wardrobe- definitely a decent severance bonus for a Grace-type. Apparently the wardrobe people lined up racks and racks and racks and racks of clothes when Debra freaked out and said there were some missing outfits. She was right: the wardrobe staffers explained some of them were going to be put in a museum while a few were auctioned off for charity. Good excuse, right? Not for Miss Messing. She wanted it all -- forget about museums and charity! Karen must be proud. I wouldn't be putting my dukes up for any of those outfits pictured below. [source]

It's Real and It's Deep!

Nicole Ritchie, who's frail 12-year-old body has spawned so much media attention, has officially split with on again, off again boyfriend/fiancé/diet partner DJ AM.

Fuckin' great. The SECOND this girl looks like she may actually be eating again, you throw that bitch right back down the stairs by her hair, and lo and behold, she's down to her birth weight.

"I know I'm too thin right now, so I wouldn't want any young girl looking at me and saying, 'That's what I want to look like,' " Richie tells Vanity Fair in its June issue. "I do know that they will, which is another reason I really do need to do something about it. I'm not happy with the way I look right now."

Richie blamed her severe weight loss on, in part, her December breakup with then-fiancé Adam "DJ AM" Goldstein. "I get really stressed out, and I do lose my appetite," she says.

Birthday ALARM

Musician Bob Dylan is 65.

Singer Patty Labelle is 62.
Actress Priscilla Presley is 61.
Actor Jim Broadbent (Moulin Rouge, Iris) is 56.
Singer Rosanne Cash is 51.
Actress Kristin Scott Thomas is 46.
Rapper Heavy D is 39.
Actor Billy L. Sullivan (Something So Right) is 26.
Actor-rapper Big Tyme is 23.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Vegetarianism makes you blind

Or at least crazy. Most certainly deaf. How else could one explain PETA's announcement that formerly-known-as-symbol-currently-known-as-crazy Prince is their sexiest vegetarian of the year? He's a little little man, and he wears ass-less pants.


Boo-Berry Baby Spice

Let's give a big Celebrity Hijinx welcome to Bluebell Madonna Halliwell, daughter of Ginger Spice. I expect some innocent"blueberry" teasing in elementary school and of course the kids will move on to "blueballs" around middle school. Ginger's explanation for the name: " Scarlett was another name I loved, as Scarlett O'Hara was my fictional heroine. But as I walked round the park in the last few weeks of pregnancy, I seemed to see bluebells everywhere. But what really clinched it for me was my mother telling me that the bluebell is increasingly rare - it's a precious flower, which seems just right for my daughter. " The baby is precious -- Geri says she's already a little "diva."

Elliot Mintz Gets A Good Cut of Paris' Easy-Earned Money

Paris Hilton played pals in Cannes a voice message from an angry Lindsay Lohan — and called Lohan the C-word. Cunt? Cocksucker? Cracksmoker? Paris' rep Elliot Mintz says, "I've never heard her use that word." He's obviously deaf. He should use some of his salary for a hearing aid so he can hear what his lies sound like. I wonder how it feels to go to sleep with the devil's pitchfork up your ass every night... [source]

Apparently Paris gets paid anywhere from $200,000 to $1 million just to show up to events and wave like she is in the picture below. It's not like she can do much more and I'm sure she sleeps with some people along the way... [source]

Breaking News: Madonna is Offending People.

Madonna has angered religious leaders by being 'crucified' on stage on the opening night of her world tour. Blah blah blah. The pop diva was 'nailed' to a 20ft glittering cross before singing her hit, 'Live to Tell', to a 20,000-strong audience in Los Angeles on Sunday. Oh, the horror! The controversy! What's she going to do next, wear a rosary as a necklace? Kiss a black Jesus? A Church of England spokesman is quoted on Britain's BBC website as saying: "Why would someone with so much talent seem to feel the need to promote herself by offending so many people?"

Um…let me tell you a little secret here church spokesperson: apparently you're the last person in the world to hear about this but this Madonna person you speak of is pretty much the most attention-seeking person ever. Madonna eats controversy flakes for breakfast. She’s been doing this shit since 1980-something. Why all the fuss now? It’s 2006. Plus it was a just a disco cross. She's 47 years-old and popped two kids out of her crotch rendering it uncontroversial…desecrating religious archetypes is all she has left. [source]

YOUR 15 MINUTES: 'Dr. 90210' Star Takes Down Passenger on Jet

Watch out terrorists! Dr. Robert Rey, board certified cosmetic surgeon/karate enthusiast will take you down if you head for the cockpit on his flight. Oh wait, no, I didn’t read far enough down in the article. Let me start over. Watch out geriatric men with claustrophobia! Dr. Robert Rey, board certified cosmetic surgeon/karate enthusiast will take you down if you head for the cockpit on his flight. Dr. Rey was on American Airlines flight 427 from Austin to Los Angeles when an elderly man made a run for the cabin and a flight attendant tried to subdue him. Dr. Rey and another passenger swiftly took the man down. The plane landed safely without any other elderly passengers trying to make a run for it. The 80-ish year old Vietnamese man was transferred to a psychiatric facility for evaluation. Dr. Rey’s anorexic wife must be so proud. [source]


Lost casualty Michelle Rodriguez is headed back to jail for violating parole. Sure, she shouldn't be driving drunk, but I like this girl--she's tough and dykey. She was on the god-awful Tonight Show last week and told Jay Leno she liked the two days she spent in a Hawaiian women's jail. Or, my guess, she liked two days she spent in the women in a Hawaiian jail.