Sunday, December 24, 2006

Happy Holidays, Betches!

Hey there Celebrity Hijinx loyal readers!

Xine and I are out of town for the holiday, soaking up every single Christmas Miracle that comes our way. BTW, this year has been filled with a ton of Christmas miracles... from war to Britney's shaved naked pussy, from angry n*ggar-laced tirades to Lohan's semi-literate prose, from Paris and Nicole's reunion to naked shots of fellow blogger, Perez hit-in-the-face-with-an-acne-pan Hilton... this year has had it's share of glorious miracles.

Keep them comin' in 2007!!!


Thursday, December 21, 2006

Quote It!

Just When I Thought My Morning Couldn't Get Any More Stressful

I always have a ridiculously difficult time waking up in the morning. I set my alarm 20 minutes fast in a continuously failed attempt to psychologically trick myself into waking up earlier. Actually I set 4 different alarms, but who's counting. Nothing less than a crane, some crystal meth, an electric shock and 8 pots of coffee could get me out of bed on-time in the morning. So my friend sent me this idea: Clocky - The alarm clock that runs away and hides when you don't wake up. Clocky gives you one chance to get up. But if you snooze, Clocky will jump off of your nightstand and wheel around your room looking for a place to hide. Clocky is kind of like a misbehaving pet, only he will get up at the right time. Set your snooze time, 0-9 min
Snooze once before he runs away
Choose 0 and he runs right away
Jumps from 2 feet
Moves on wood and carpet
Press snooze to view time at night
Screen flashes when beeping/running
Alarm beeps in random pattern
Comes in white or shag

This is the best (yet still somehow the worst) idea EVER. [thanks Dan!]

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Bad Grandma!

A woman sent her 1-month-old grandson through an X-ray machine at Los Angeles International Airport, security officials said Wednesday. The woman, who spoke little English and was traveling to Mexico, put the infant in a plastic bin used to hold loose carry-on items for security scanning at the busy airport Saturday morning. Security screeners saw the baby as it started to pass through, pulled the bin out, and immediately sought medical assistance for the child, Transportation Security Administration spokesman Nico Melendez said. The baby was examined at a local hospital and judged not to have received a dangerous dose of radiation. "The lady obviously mistakenly put the baby in the machine. It was an unfortunate incident," Melendez said. Airport officials said it was an innocent mistake by an inexperienced traveler and only the second such incident there since 1988, when a baby in a car seat went through an X-ray scanner. Surprisingly, Britney Spears hasn't tried this yet...

I guess TSA needs to add the international sign for "No babies in the plastic bins" to all of their signs. She threw that baby in a bin like it was a laptop. At least she didn't try to stuff him in one of the quart-sized ziplock bags they hand out for the liquids restrictions. I spend half of my life in airports dealing with TSA and I don't know how they missed this one. They're always on you like a hawk to make sure you're practically naked with your laptop in one plastic bin and your less-than-3 oz. size liquids in a plastic bag in another. [source]

Birthday ALARM

Actor Kiefer Sutherland is 40.

Talk show host Phil Donahue is 71.
Actress Jane Fonda is 69.
Actor Samuel L. Jackson is 58.
Singer Betty Wright is 53.
Actress Jane Kaczmarek (Malcolm in the Middle) is 51.
Actor-comedian Ray Romano (Everybody Loves Raymond) is 49.
Actor-comedian Andy Dick (Newsradio) is 41.
Actress Khrystyne Haje (Head of the Class) is 38.
Actress Julie Delpy is 37.
Singer-guitarist Brett Scallions (Fuel) is 35.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1620, Plymouth Colony: William Bradford and the Mayflower Pilgrims landed on what is now known as Plymouth Rock in Plymouth, Massachusetts.

Celebrity Deathmatch 9: Rosie vs. THE Donald

It’s on! Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t like Donald Trump and she’s letting us know it:

Rosie attacked Trump, branding him a "snake-oil salesman" and calling his staging of a press conference, in which he decided to allow Miss USA, Tara Conner to keep her crown a publicity stunt. Duh! Trump allowed Conner to keep her title Tuesday following a wave of reports and criticism over her engagement in underage drinking. (and drug use and sex and some hot Miss Teen USA lesbian action) "Because his show ‘The Apprentice' is starting again in January, he held a big press conference to see if he was going to allow Miss USA, such a prestigious title," Rosie said on "The View" while rolling her eyes. "It's basically a model competition . . . They have one question in Miss USA, yeah and they're like ‘I'd like to cure cancer and end world hunger – and then I'd like to go to Studio 54 and do some crack.'" Rosie continued her rant lashing out at Donald Trump's decision to give Tara Conner a second chance. "There he is, hair looping, going everyone, everyone deserves a second chance," she began. "He's the moral authority? Left the first wife, had an affair, left the second wife, had an affair, had kids both times, but he's the moral compass for twenty year olds in America. Donald, sit and spin, my friend." She also said she expected him to sue her but added "he'll probably be bankrupt by that time so I won't have to worry."

In turn, Trump, who became aware of the Rosie comments earlier this morning, branded her "a loser." "Rosie's been a loser for a long time," he told Access. Her magazine failed, she got sued. She folded up like a tent." He also sent a stern warning over O'Donnell's outburst and suggested she watch her partner. "Rosie is somebody out of control who really just doesn't have it and she ought to be careful because I'll send one of my friends to pick up her girlfriend and I think it would be very easy," he said. Trump announced he is filing suit against the TV talk show host. "She says things that come to her mouth, she's not smart, she's crude, she's ignorant and to be honest I look forward to suing Rosie," he told our cameras. "I'm gonna sue her and I look forward to it. She's really very dangerous for the show." Trump declined to elaborate on the details of his proposed legal filings, but added O'Donnell will understand his reasoning. "Rosie will find out what we're suing her for. She knows what we're suing her for," he said adding the lawsuit is already in the works. "It's something I look very forward to," he added.
Executive Producers of "The View," Bill Geddie and Barbara Walters weighed in on the verbal fracas releasing this statement, earlier today. "Both Rosie and Donald are high-spirited, opinionated people. Donald has been a friend of "The View" for many years and Rosie, of course, is our enormously popular moderator. We cherish them both and hope the New Year brings calm and peace." [source] You can check out more video here.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The Nativity of the Awesome

Nativity with IG-88, Mister Burns, Lego Jesus, Plastic Kevin Spederline with a microphone, and a Kevin Smith Action Figure. It materialized in an office at the PBS television network.

A wasp, Boba Fett, a wrestler, John Lennon and others witness the Christmas miracle.


It's A Christmas Miracle!

I don't need to tell you PETA prefers animals to people. South Park established that and everything South Park says is true. But why they need to defecate on the holidays by creating trite little would-be virals about reindeer trampling Santa, I'll never know.

Dissatisfied with a fantasy about the gift-giving saint underfoot, they took it further still by turning the song into a masturbation fest about how awesome PETA is for, among other things, its clever use of busty naked women to rail against animal exploitation. (See equal opportunity coverage here.)

PETA is crazy. People who wear fur are crazy too. But can we all just agree to disagree and move on without ruining the holidays? That's it... I OFFICIALLY HATE EVERYONE!


The 50 Most Annoying People of 2006

This week's STAR magazine is wrapping the year up with the fifty most annoying people of 2006!
There are only 8 people on the cover of this magazine. I would have liked to have known this was coming so that I could have passed along my suggestions for Most Annoying People. Let's see... I guess I'll do my own list of 10.
  1. GW
  2. Anna Nicole Smith (cut me some slack... she's still annoying)
  3. Fergie (I bet she's cooler on Meth)
  4. Nicole Richie (I bet she's cooler on Heroin)
  5. Rush Limbaugh (I bet he's cooler on Viagra)
  6. OJ Simpson (What's left to say, really?)
  7. Madonna (hmm, she's from Bay City, Michigan... she speaks with a faux British accent, and she's wealthier than I, or all my children and their children's children will be put together)
  8. David Hasselhoff (Even Germans think he's a douche bag)
  9. Jerry Falwell (GOD hates fat people more than he hates gay ones)
  10. Justin Timberlake (Stop frontin' and leave that gangly bitch for ME)

Looking Good, Girl!

You're pretty.
Britney Spears has had a number of late-night benders in the past few weeks since her split with Spederline. Then, just the other night, Britney was spotted taking her 16-year-old sister Jamie-Lynn to a sleezy really nice tattoo parlour in Los Angeles for a late-night visit.
She visited the Devil Doll Tattoo parlor in Studio City looking anxious and laughed nervously as she discussed the design with the bald, heavily tattooed artist dude. She spent 20 minutes under the needle, leaving with a small dab of ointment applied and a small piece of gauze to help heal her new body art. After texting a couple of her friends with the new info and posing for a picture, she pulled on her furry parka hood, got in her SUV, and drove back to her new Hollywood Hills pad.
Who in Britney's camp is in charge of image-reconstruction?
Whoever it is, you're FIRED.

Birthday ALARM

Singer Chris Robinson of Black Crowes is 40.

Comedian Charlie Callas is 79.
Actor John Hillerman (Magnum P.I. ) is 74.
Drummer Peter Criss (Kiss) is 61.
Musician Alan Parsons is 57.
Actress Jenny Agutter is 54.
Actor Michael Badalucco (The Practice) is 52.
Actress Blanche Baker (Shakedown,Holocaust) is 50.
Singer Billy Bragg is 49.
Actor Jonah Hill (Accepted ) is 23.
Singer JoJo is 16.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1999, Vermont's Supreme Court ruled that homosexual couples are entitled to the same benefits and protections as married heterosexual couples.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I'm Going to Have to Start A 'Celebrity MySpace Blog' Column

Here's a nice, fun post and I don't have to do much work except copy and paste. From Reichen Lehmkuhl's (Lance Bass' BF? Ex-BF? whatever) MySpace Blog: Title: Mario Lavendeira ( is a Big (blank) Ugly Liar, an Accused Thief and Criminal

From the Horse's Mouth: Just a friendly reminder that when you read websites like, you are reading lies and are being taken advantage of as you make more money for a person who does nothing but fabricate storeis to make his site look interesting. That anyone would trust someone like Mario Lavendeira ( who STEALS from photographers, bloggers, and the general population, is beyond me, really. This person is a common criminal.

Contrary to what this ugly wind-bag has reported, I have not broken up with my boyfriend. I did not go home with anyone from "Survivor" from any party. I have not "made out with" anyone at a party while I have been with my boyfriend. The opposite has been written on his site. It is all a complete and blantant lie. This person is a liar. Period.

My book was done before I ever met Lance. I do not date people so that I can "use" them. I'm self-sufficient and happy to be that way. I have served my country, I have made my own money, my own career, written my own books, bought my own homes and other possesions, and I'm proud to be this way, on my own. I am not broke. I am individually financially sound. I date people because I happen to love them. Period.

I will only post this once. This disgusting person and his site makes up blatant lies to create interesting stories. I am one of this criminal's targets. Understand that. So know, from here on out, that if you read anything about ME on, you are 99.9% sure to be reading a lie or an exagerrated, incorrect version of something that is 0.01% true. Merry Christmas Everybody!!
Love, Reichen

Here is some information on "Perez" and how he stole a check from a friend and deposited into his account while he was using CRYSTAL METH. This guy is a drug addict, criminal, and thief. "Perez Hilton, of PageSixSixSix fame--but whose real name shall remain verboten because, unlike him, I have some tact--is a total thief. He got run out of L.A. because he is a meth addict and a thief. The boy had the gumption to steal a check from a friend's apartment and then deposit it into his own account as a third-party check. Like his ass wouldn't get caught. But tina makes you do stupid things. He did get caught, though I'm not sure what happened with his court case. This happened like eight months ago. Check fraud, forgery, theft. Then his blog takes off and people in L.A. started posting comments to it about the theft. He deletes them all. So you heard it here first. If he gets any more famous, tell people not to let Perez get too close to your dresser drawers, because if he is cracked he will steal from you regardless of the consequences."

Celebrity Hijinx PSA: Dino and I do not make any money from blogging. Obviously. We do it for entertainment purposes and do not want to hurt anyone...especially not for profit. Ok, I feel better now that I got that off my chest.

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Secret Sauce to Toss Your Salad

Remember when you were in school and still lived at home with your parents? Ok, now imagine taking this letter to them: I give the principal an A+ in letter writing. Can you imagine how long she agonized over how to say: Someone ejaculated in your child's salad dressing and your child may have consumed it? Oh the dinnertime conversations to be held...

Just in case you were wondering, this is what the little salad dresser looks like: [source]

Celebrity Clone: The Beauty Queens

I actually hate calling these two celebrities or beauty queens but here I go:

Disgraced beauty queens Shanna Moakler and Tara Conner happen to look rather similar. Coincidence? I think it's just the over-plucked brow, over-done eyes and over-bleached hair.


This is like an episode of Law and Order: SVU (except nobody gets killed):

A tale of drugs, drinking, sex, girl-on-girl action and then a surprise twist at the end.

TMZ reports:
Donald Trump announced Tuesday morning that he will not fire the embattled Miss USA, despite allegations of drug use, underage drinking and sexual misconduct."She's agreed to go into rehab. She knows that if she makes even the slightest mistake from here on, she will be immediately replaced," said Trump. The carefully coifed billionaire explained that he will use Conner as a role model. "I believe she can do a tremendous service to young people."Fighting back tears, and with her voice shaking, Conner thanked Trump for the pardon saying, "In no way did I think it would be possible for a second chance to be given to me." She then went on to shower the Donald in compliments; "I've had a very big blessing bestowed on me. It truly takes someone with a wonderful heart, a heart of gold and a blessed soul."Midway through the press conference, Conner briefly ran offstage and donned her Miss USA sash, proving that she's keeping her crown.

Donald Trump ISN'T this nice - he just used the avenue that would give him the most publicity. Great precedent to set – I mean seriously mom, Miss USA did cocaine and slept with random guys and she still kept the crown. Why do I have to be grounded for the rest of my life?

Nobody is perfect, not even Miss USA.


Milan's pulled a Madrid and formally barred ultra-skinny and under-age models ahead of its February catwalk shows, as the fashion world comes under pressure to promote a healthier image.The agreement signed on Monday between the city and its powerful fashion industry bans models under 16 and those with a body mass index of less than 18.5 from Milan's shows.
The accord also includes courses on healthy eating and exercise and calls for a variety of clothing sizes in shows."The agreement is the result of a common effort ... to share and to communicate to our young people the importance of positive models of living," Milan mayor Letizia Moratti said in a statement. Body mass index is the ratio of weight to the square of height -- so that a 1.73-meter (5 foot 8 inch) model who weighed less than 55.4 kg (122 lb) would be barred. [source]

Shit - 122 lbs. There are going to be a lot of out-of-work models. Take all of your money and invest it in CARBS immediately! Barilla pasta stock is going to skyrocket.

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Rape Isn't Funny

Hey guys. If you live in the Houston area you better watch your butt!

Literally. There's a serial rapist on the loose and he's preying on men. The rapist typically stalks, robs and sexually assaults his victims at gunpoint, apparently choosing them at random and attacking them near or inside their homes, police said. Victims have described the attacker as a clean-shaven black man, 18 to 21 years old, 5-foot-6 to 6 feet tall, with a shaved head.

Some victims may be reluctant to come forward because of their ages and "a pride thing" that makes men more reluctant to acknowledge being the victim of a sex crime. I mean seriously, what guy wants to walk into a police station and be like: Ok hey guys, how are you doing? Yeah, well I'm not doing so well. You see I was just held down by a rather normal-sized, young, bald, black man and he raped me. I don't think it was an accident. He had a gun. A big gun. Stop laughing. It really happened. No, I'm not gay. Seriously. [source]

YOUR YouTube FIX: Homelessville

Justin Timberlake as a cup of soup in an SNL sketch... Shit's hilarious.

Strippers Against Lohan

Lindsay Lohan spoke out against strippers yesterday or maybe it was for strippers...I think she was trying to be pro-stripper but it sounded anti-. Lindsay is training to be a stripper for her new movie… Anyway, you can read about that here.

Well this morning, actual strippers confirmed my suspicions. Lindsay is faaar too uncoordinated to dance on a pole and probably had her mom blow someone for this part.

Strippers at Scores East Side were surprised to read on Page Six yesterday that Lindsay Lohan was sore from pole dancing to prepare for her topless role in "I Know Who Killed Me." Wait, strippers read? They were amazed she even got the part. When Lohan worked the pole there one night with Kate Moss 11 months ago, "she was very awkward," recalls Kim (a 5-foot-10, 36C-24-35 brunette), "although she did look like she was having a good time." Angelica (blonde, 36DD-25-36) agreed that Lohan seemed klutzy, as did Maria (blonde, 34C-23-33), who opined, "I give her credit for getting up there."

I wonder if they always give their height, measurements and hair color when they talk, said Xine (5'9", 36D-29-36, dark brunette, size 8-10, 34 inch inseam, 38.5 shoe, size 4 ring). In related PageSix news:

Which young starlet will never be invited back on Oprah? The night before her taping, she stayed out until 5 a.m. and then showed up to the studio an hour late stinking of booze . . .

Here's some old, pre-crackhead Lindsay dancing:

Birthday ALARM

Actor Jake Gyllenhaal (Brokeback Mountain) is 26.

Singer Maurice White of Earth, Wind and Fire is 65.
Actor Mike Lookinland (The Brady Bunch) is 46.
Actress Jennifer Beals is 43.
Actor Robert McNaughton is 40.
Actress Kristy Swanson is 37.
Actress Alyssa Milano is 34.
Actress Marla Sokoloff (The Practice ) is 26.
Rapper Lady Sovereign is 21.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1843, A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens, was first published in England.

Monday, December 18, 2006

That Is Just SO Typically Her

Britney sure loves them there lace dresses: The last chantilly creation was worn to her mother's birthday party like yesterday or two days ago or something. At least she didn't wear her birthday suit. Although I do admit she was close...and with her recent state of affairs it could be more than possible. My father couldn't even stand low-rise jeans when I was like 22 years-old less than showing up in a bra and panties with some lace slapped on top for a family affair. If I wore this, I'd totally be fired from my family. Then again, I'm not the gravy train. I just like to ride it occasionally.

I've Heard Worse!

So every great once in a while I check out blogs to see what's going on. There are some fabulous blogs out there! Plus, I love the comments! Unfortunately for us, we're not professional bloggers so we don't get a chance to blog on every little vagina fart that happens. Sometimes I need entertained too. I digress. Back to the original story: It turns out Mary Kate Olsen changed her look and bloggers HATE it. The problem: Mary Kate Olsen has MY signature look (minus that purse - ick). I've been dressing like this for years -- back me up Dino. Most of my friends describe it as "high class hooker." I'm fine with that because if I was hypothetically a hooker, I'd be high class. ...and I think they're joking.

Now I'm not so sure but for fun, here are some blog-commenter reviews:

  • I have never seen this girl look quite so horrible in my life
  • WOW.....Not a good look
  • She looks like a tampon
  • She looks like a walking nightmare
  • She looks like some crazy old lady who the neighborhood kids all throw rocks at
  • She looks like her name should be Svetlana and that she’d charge you 1000 rubles a night for the pleasure of her company
  • She looks like the tranny version of Edgar Winter
  • She looks like an old troll
  • Russian Coke Whore Wife
  • Two words: vulgar and cheap
  • This outfit has trashy written all over it
  • She looks like a crackwhore....actually, I take that back, crackwhores are better looking
  • Remember the episode of Facts of Life where Tootie and Natalie went into NYC and Tootie met a girl in a diner who was really pretty and dressed really cool and told Tootie she was an actress, but it turned out she was a 14-year-old prostitute and was trying to hook Tootie into becoming one, too? MK looks like THAT character. The 14-year-old hooker, not Tootie.
  • At least I know where all my grandma's old clothes went
  • I think that she has no fashion sense whatsoever and that she needs a really good stylist who helps her ONLY with wardrobe and never with scoring drugs
  • I liked her homeless chic street urchin disaster of a look much better
  • These are your clothes on drugs

Then one out of 123,093,34o bloggers said: Okay...She looks Hot!!

Personally, I love it!


Miss USA, 20 year-old Tara Conner, is about to be replaced due to the Donald Trump-verification of one or more of the following rumors:

  • cocaine use
  • binge (underage) drinking
  • lesbian make-out with roommate Miss Teen USA Katie Blair (WHY is this NOT on YouTube?!?!)
  • promiscuity

In that case, someone should've taken my crown away a long time ago. Just kidding. Not really. In related news, I guess we can expect to see her vagina in print sometime soon.

Honestly, I think she sounds like a good representation of 20 year-old American girls! Why dethrone her? It's not like she robbed a bank and stabbed an old lady right before running over a group of kids in wheelchairs. It's just some old-fashioned cocaine, booze and lesbian kissing. Basically what your average 20 year-old is doing in any given college apartment. Or maybe that was just at my school. Regardless, what else do people expect from middle-America girls whose mothers prance them around in a lifetime of sanctioned contests promoting female subordination and superficiality? They're going to turn into coke snorting strippers in Kentucky or, if they’re pretty enough, coke snorting Miss USAs in New York.

In the meantime, who’s dethroning Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears? Can someone put The Donald on that immediately!

J. Lo for MTV Tres (that's 3 in Spanish)

Jennifer Ho-pez has a new video although she's been downgraded to MTV 3. The new video is in Spanish. She must still be relevant in that language. Here's a sneak peek:

I don't know about you but I think the gayest house beat EVER needs kicks in right where that video cut out or this song blows a big one.

Firecrotch Hits The Pole

Lindsay Lohan, best selling author, philosopher and spiritual leader, known for her social grace, elegance, beauty, glamour and fashion sense has already completed the third email in her prolific trilogy “The Painful, Unedited Fall of A Semi-Literate Movie Star.” The first two are here and here. The last episode in this trilogy takes a brutal look at the trials and tribulations of exotic dancers and the experience of a young actress trying her hardest emulate them (for an *imaginary* Oscar):

Subject: They're all whores, they're all whores . . . xcept for some obviously!

Email: "So . . . 3 hours of pole dancing and bruised. everywhere . . . I mean we're talkin' like, UPPER AND INNER THIGH ACTION-bruised . . . like a walking black-and-blue mark. I mean really though, really, I didn't know it was actually possible to have bruises in such areas of the body. Strippers dude, I tell you, I really respect the cunts now. . . I'm not gonna lie to ya."

You can’t get too much more respectful than calling someone a whore and a cunt all in the same email. Really. It’s the new handshake.

This whole email comes to light as Lindsay is training to dance on a stripper pole to prepare for her role as a topless dancer in her new movie, "I Know Who Killed Me." Although I’m surprised she has to ‘train’ for this, I see they’re finally casting her in appropriate roles. I still expect pole dancing would be difficult for Lindsay Lohan because it takes balance, strength, rhythm, coordination of motor skills…all those things that are impaired by constant substance abuse. Like when you go to a strip club there’s always that one cracked out dancer who thinks she's super sexy but she REALLY just can’t pull it together and you throw pennies at her so she’ll go away. It's like throwing a naked Courtney Love on stage anytime before the 2005 house arrest that helped her kick her gnarly drug problem.

This Lindsay Lohan/stripper movie might be a brilliant idea -- remember how Elizabeth Berkley was ostracized after Showgirls? Take that and then multiply it by Lindsay Lohan.[source]

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Myspace -- A Serial Killer is In Your Extended Network

The #1 reason you shouldn't add random people to your 'friends' on myspace: They could be a serial killer. The murders of the five women whose naked bodies were found over a period of 11 days in eastern England has prompted a massive manhunt for the killer dubbed the "Suffolk Strangler" after the area the murders took place...and now police have a suspect....and that suspect has a myspace profile.

His name is Tom Stephens aka "The Bishop." He's single, 5'11", likes keeping fit, listening to 80's music, doesn't watch much tv, has a high school education and enjoys killing prostitues on his free time. I added the last part. The song on his profile is Canon In D by Johann Pachelbel (that orchestra-ish song they play at weddings), which is actually pretty creepy. Of course, in true serial killer fashion, he only has 7 friends. One of those friends is myspace Tom. So technically he has 6 friends but I doubt he really knows any of them. However, he did confess to knowing the dead prostitutes, he just says he didn't kill them. Come on. There are only two things you can do with prostitutes: fuck them and kill them. ...and since 5 of them are dead, I'm going to have to say the odds aren't working in Tom's favor. Here's some of the creepiness:
Ugh. With that outfit, I'm surprised even a hooker would talk to him. He's the one who should be stripped naked and strangled -- with that hideous tie.

YOUR YouTube FiX: Justin T's Next Hit Single...

This was just too much!

Birthday ALARM

Singer Christina Aguilera is 26.

Actor Roger Smith is 74.
Blues guitarist Lonnie Brooks is 73.
Guitarist Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones is 63.
Director Steven Spielberg is 60.
Movie critic Leonard Maltin is 56.
Actor Ray Liotta is 51.
Actor Brad Pitt is 43.
Actress Rachel Griffiths (Six Feet Under) is 38.
Rapper DMX is 36.
Actress Katie Holmes (Dawson's Creek) is 28.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1996, the Oakland, California school board passed a resolution officially declaring "Ebonics" a language or dialect.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Guessing Game...

Which closeted TV news anchorman uses to troll for gay sex partners? One of his conquests is complaining now because the anchor is using his photo to solicit other men. When he complained, the anchor threatened him with physical violence.

I can pooooooosibly see Anderson Cooper using Craigslist to troll but threaten physical violence - not so much. It's not that this is much of a problem. When he meets me, he's going to realize he's actually straight.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Questionable Quote: Hypocrite Edition

President Bush on that lesbian baby that's infiltrated his administration:

"I think Mary is going to be a loving soul to her child. And I'm happy for her," Bush said in an interview with People magazine. "Mary Cheney is going to make a fine mom, and she's going to love this child a lot."

Bush has supported a constitutional BAN on same sex marriages. The vice president's daughter opposed the measure. Bush said his position was not meant to "harm or insult women such as Cheney and Poe." …just meant to harm and insult anonymous gays whose fathers and girlfriend's fathers aren't the Vice President of the United States.

One Most Surprising, Stockinged Blind Vice

With all the highly publicized breakups between our fave A-list duos, it was only a matter of time till haughty legal reps dished on a not-so tell-all couple un-ending. Does that even make any sense, what I wrote? Oh, who cares? Read on:

As we all wiped away our tears over the demise of Jen 'n' Brad, or that southern belle Reese 'n' toughie-dude Ryan, in-the-know peeps had already been questioning the supposed bliss in the marital lives of Sassy Go-Forth and Fernwood Could, one of H-town's few remaining stalwart duos. Wonder why? See, this once reliable, dynamic twosome has utterly gone under the paparazzi radar, and I, oh, once again, have the exclusive dish for ya to feast on this holiday season. Don't worry—it's carb free. So, bite in!

Ferny 'n' Sass, in actuality (read: when they're not working) hold down camp in the colder climates. Think of places like Chicago and InWhySee, where basements are readily available to sprawling mansions. In fact, it is in this very sublevel arena where the male half of this union's marital vows went awry. See, unsuspecting wife-unit would wake up to discover her man outta bed and nowhere to be found in their plush quarters. This began to happen so often, said spouse thought her hubby just might be leavin' the manse to engage in extramarital affairs; howevah, 'twas not the case. Sassy's guy, was found (by her, eventually) dressin' in drag in the basement—where their offspring efforts hold down playtime with other celeb li'l ones. Quelle horreur!

And was Ferny-babe getting himself off while wearing a particularly alluring fishnet number? No way: F.C. was caught red-(nail-polished)-handed, surfin' the friggin' Internet for home apparel and sundry women's wear. While dressed in such, natch. Prior to this startling discovery, S.G.-F. had hired a private investigator to see where her hubby was heading at night. Good thing she played investigator herself, 'cause she saved those dollars for a high-powered attorney—who has brought her the ultimate bucks and a handy settlement deal. But no one knows. 'Cept us.

It ain't:

My guess: Who cares, really? Yep...I'm in one of those moods (life is hard). If my husband wanted to dress in drag in the basement, I'd let him. No harm done, right? If I had Paris Hilton-sized feet we could even share shoes. I have fabulous shoes.

Celebrity Clone: Both Ends of the Spectrum

I've said it before and I'll say it matter how you put it, there's something Hilary Duff-ish about Jenna Jameson. Like they have some common alliels. DNA.... if they only shared PDA...

Birthday ALARM

Actor Adam Brody (The O.C. ) is 27.

Actor-comedian Tim Conway is 73.
Singer Cindy Birdsong of The Supremes is 67.
Drummer Dave Clark of the Dave Clark Five is 64.
Drummer Carmine Appice of Vanilla Fudge is 60.
Actor Don Johnson is 57.
Actor Justin Ross is 52.
Bassist Paul Simonon of The Clash is 51.
Actress Helen Slater is 43.
Actress Molly Price (Third Watch ) is 41.
Actor George O. Gore II (My Wife and Kids ) is 25.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1939, Gone with the Wind premiered in Atlanta, Georgia.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

FASHION FIX: Holiday Fashion - 'Tis The Season

I was scouring the internet to find the perfect holiday outfit to go with my fabulous new shoes when I came across some dresses by designer Agatha Ruiz de la Prada. Don't be fooled by her last name. Agatha Ruiz de la Prada is best known for her eclectic personality and the passion that infuses every piece of her vast collection – from ready-to-wear clothing for children, women and men, to home and office design. Assumedly those women, children, men, homes and offices are all somehow related to Bjork.

The first dress, my personal favorite, can be purchased for a measly $250. Proceeds go to Greenpeace. I mean I like charity and saving trees and all but that's no reason to show up ANYWHERE in a tree dress that was carefully crafted out of what looks like green and pink felt, some safety scissors and a glue stick. Not even if you're drunk. Seriously, I designed the exact same thing in Kinder Kapers only mine was an ornament, it had a little loop of yarn on the top and it might've been made from construction paper. Agatha Ruiz de la Prada must have her holidays confused. Here, in America, we dress up like pumpkins for Halloween or even Christmas trees for Halloween but not Christmas trees for Christmas. Moving on to a few more pieces from her collection...the following three dresses go for $500 and are assumedly marketed for individuals who are on LSD or childrens shows or both.
...or maybe they're from her Easter collection. I don't even know what else to say so I'm going to go take a xanax. I get anxiety just from thinking about these dresses.


YOUR 15 MINUTES: The Long-Arm of Mongolia

The world's tallest man has put his long arms to good use and saved the lives of two dolphins at an aquarium in Fushun, Liaoning Province. Bao Xishun, a herdsman from inner Mongolia, stands nearly eight feet tall. The dolphins had ingested plastic from the edge of their tank and are reportedly in good condition.
Hmmm. Big Hands = Big Gloves. Big Feet = Big Shoes.
Long Arms = Long Dongs?
I was never any good at math.

Birthday ALARM

Actress Patty Duke is 60.

Jazz trumpeter Clark Terry is 86.
Actor Hal Williams (227,Sanford and Son ) is 68.
Singer Joyce Vincent-Wilson of Tony Orlando and Dawn is 60.
Actress Dee Wallace is 58.
Bassist Cliff Williams of AC/DC is 57.
Singer-guitarist Mike Scott of The Waterboys is 48.
Singer-whistle player Peter Spider Stacy of The Pogues is 48.
Actress Cynthia Gibb (Fame ) is 43.
Singer Brian Dalyrimple of Soul for Real is 31.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1962, the Mona Lisa was assessed at $100 million, the highest insurance valuance for a painting in history. However, the Louvre chose to spend the money on security rather than insurance. Taking inflation into account, the 1962 value would be approximately $670 million in 2006.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Questionable Quotes: Paris Hilton and her GED Edition

Paris Hilton on Britney:

"For people to call out her parenting skills on behalf of her partying ethics is appalling. Britney loves her kids to death, and I know for a fact that it truly hurts her when she sees these cruel things being written about her. She goes home every night to her babies and partying has not come in the way of her parenting."

Partying ethics. Do you think she meant 'partying antics'? Her mama never learned her that word...perhaps because she too had poor 'partying ethics'.

...And Since We're Already Talking About Fags...

Pittsburgh Steeler Joey Porter issued an apology after practice on Tuesday for calling Cleveland tight end Kellen Winslow, Jr. a "fag" in comments to media outlets after a game last Thursday.
"You know, that was probably a poor choice of words. So if I offended anybody, I apologize for that...I don't know ... I guess because how we used that word freely, me growing up using that word, I didn't think anything of it. Like I said, I apologize to anyone I may have offended. I didn't mean to offend anybody but Kellen Winslow. That's pretty much that. I don't want to put any more into it...Whatever I say is going to be on an extra level anyway. But like I said, I didn't think it was that big of a deal when I said it anyway. So it's over with it."

Porter just doesn't get it. Would Michael Richards use of the N-word been any less offensive if he had insisted he only meant it for one person in his audience?

And apparently coach Bill Cowher and teammate Deshea Townsend don't get it either:
"On Monday, Steelers coach Bill Cowher called Porter's homosexual reference 'inappropriate,' but suggested that Porter wasn't necessarily attacking anyone's sexual preference. Steelers cornerback Deshea Townsend agrees. 'That's how the game goes,' Townsend said. 'Joey was just expressing his opinion after someone cheap-shotted one of our guys. Joey was just standing up for one of his teammates.'"

Since when does the word "fag" not attack anyone's sexual preference?

A fine from the NFL has not yet been issued.

YOUR YouTube FIX: Silly Fags, Dicks R 4 Chicks!


SNL's Gay Marriage protest song.



Back in March, Teri HatcherTox told the media that she was through with Botox, known in some circles as "sausage poison", or "canadian bacon pathogen" as the bacterium often causes poisoning by growing in badly handled or prepared meat products. Well, this badly handled piece of meat is back on the Tox... so to speak.
Good for you, Teri. You be the BEST ROLE MODEL YOU CAN BE!

Hump-Day Stumper: Skinny-Dippin' Duo

It's Wednesday, my friends, and you know what that means: It's boneless buffalo wings night at Chili's! (xine's response: um, ew.) Awww, yeah. And, oh yeah, it's time for another scandalous story about some TV stars so famous I can't name 'em, courtesy of our new weekly feature, the Hump-Day Stumper! Dig in!

Skinny-Dippin' Duo: This is a real-life couple who are series regulars on a show we love—and they're pretty easy on the eyes. Obviously, the name gives away that these two have a thing for stripping down to their birthday suits and going for a swim, but it does not reveal the lip-smacking kicker: Apparently, they like to do it in the swimming pools of total strangers! On a certain night not too long ago, a friend of mine (not in the Biz) came home to find what she thought were "hooligans" in her backyard swimming pool and screamed at them to get out. As the duo started giggling and running toward the fence, my friend recognized them as stars from her favorite show and called out, "Wait! Can I get an autograph?!" The duo did not oblige, but they did return a few weeks later for more skinny-dipping fun. This time, my friend did what any right-minded fan would do—she made some popcorn and watched from the bedroom window above. Got guesses? Of course you do! Comment away below, my friends!

My guess: I don't watch enough 'series' to have the qualifications needed for this guess but I do have some comments: The only peepin-tom show I get at my house are a couple of squirrels on the tree outside my bedroom window. Why can't stars do it in MY swimming pool? AND WHAT KIND OF A FRIEND DOESN'T MAKE A VIDEO?!?!

Guessing Game...

Which online gossip has friends worried? He's sent very nasty notes to random people out of the blue, and some say the teetotaler is back on the sauce.

My guess: Well, we can definitely rule out our Dino. First of all, I don’t think he’s ever abstained from alcohol. Secondly, the worst thing his drunken ass would do is act a little straight with documented below. While that might worry some, I like it. Perez Hilton, however -- that's the type of guy who would get totally wasted and displace his ridiculous fugly-fatty rage to innocent randoms via the computer... and steal someone's dildo while he's at it. The queen of all media = the queen of random, bitchy drunken emails.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Hey Friends!

Dear Celebrity Hijinx Readers,
Please bear with Xine and I as we put the finishing touches on all our holiday gifts, including the lovely Easy-Bake I got for my niece, Tammy-Sue.
We'll be back tomorrow with more hot gossip.
Love, Dino & Xine

Birthday ALARM

Actress Jennifer Connelly is 36.

Game show host Bob Barker is 83.
Singer Connie Francis is 68.
Singer Dionne Warwick is 66.
Singer-guitarist Dickey Betts (Allman Brothers) is 63.
Actor Wings Hauser is 59.
Actress Sheree J. Wilson (Dallas) is 48.
Singer-percussionist Sheila E. is 47.
Guitarist Eric Schenkman of Spin Doctors is 43.
Bassist Nicholas Dimichino of Nine Days is 39.
Actress Mayim Bialik (Blossom ) is 31.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1963, Kenya gained its independence from the United Kingdom.