Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Paris Hilton Scandals: A Retrospective

Throughout the past year of writing for this blog, I’ve been consistently entertained by Paris Hilton’s Publicity Machine Elliot Mintz. Day or night, regardless of the scandal, a well-oiled Elliot has some embellished statement on hand that simultaneously denies Paris’ involvement in anything even remotely related to the scandal (in her entire life) while painting Paris as the modern day Virgin Mary. As this latest Paris scandal plays out on the internet, I’ve decided to take a look back at some of Elliot’s denials and provide new, shocking evidence that will discredit his well-paid lies and psychotic denial.

Scandal: Brian Quintana, some unknown party planner slapped Paris Hilton with a restraining order after she threatened him because he told Stavros Niarchos that Miss Paris has herpes. Quintana also says Paris has a drug and alcohol problem, some rather shady associates and is known for erratic behavior.
Elliot Mintz denied Quintana's allegations, telling Court TV: "She doesn't have herpes. She doesn't have a drug problem," and claiming Quintana was simply trying to humiliate his client in order to gain media attention.
Celebrity Hijinx Exhibit A and B: Paris Hilton’s Valtrex Prescription. Thanks to those annoying commercials we all know this medication treats genital herpes. One of many pictures of Paris doing drugs.Verdict: Elliot lies.

Combined scandals: Over the course of the past few years, it has come to the attention of the media that Paris has been heard making racist remarks. In the previous herpes scandal Brian Quintana also claims Paris used racial slurs.
Statement: "I've known Paris and worked with her, and the kind of person that was described on the stand this afternoon doesn't resemble the woman that I know." In the past, Paris also responded to these accusations saying, “Anyone who knows me knows that this is not me. I am deeply hurt by recent reports. I am not a person who discriminates against anyone - ever." Nicole Richie added, "She doesn't have a prejudiced bone in her body."
Celebrity Hijinx Exhibit C: A video of Paris singing about Jews, Japs and niggers. There are plenty more where this came from.
Verdict: Lies or denial?

Scandal: Photographers capture pics of the inside of Paris Hilton’s purse exposing what was possibly a bag of really cheap, seedy weed and a glass vial containing white powder.
Statement: "Things are not always as they appear. It would be unfair to draw any conclusions based solely on these photos."
Celebrity Hijinx Exhibit D: So instead let’s draw conclusions based on these one of many photos of Paris smokin' and a drug kit Pete Doherty would envy.Verdict: I bet he’s tired.

Scandal: In a photo, Paris appeared to have white powder in her nostrils spawning rumors of cocaine use.
Statement: "They asked me if Paris was using cocaine. I explained that she does not use narcotics. They asked what the substance could have been. I explained that I was not there... so I offered some possible explanations."
Celebrity Hijinx Exhibit E and F: A video of Paris, Nicole and a plate of cocaine.UPDATE: the video has been remove but here is a still photo of Nicole with the plate. In the video, Paris yelled "you don't eat it, you snort it." Rehab really works, kids! The next piece of evidence is a still photo taken from a video showing one of Paris’ friends with cocaine all over his body. Paris was present in the video and talking about doing cocaine.Oh, and here's a video of her asking for Ecstasy:
I’m tired.

Combined Scandal: Paris Hilton calls Lindsay Lohan a cunt.
Statement: "I've never heard her use that word."
Celebrity Hijinx Exhibit G: I'm sick of watching the videos but out of like 10 hours she's said every word in the Urban Dictionary.
Verdict: Elliot is off the hook this time. While he denies never hearing her say it, he doesn’t deny she says it.

Related Scandal: Former beauty queen Shanna Moakler punched Paris in the face at Hollywood nightclub Hyde.
Statement: To try to soil Shanna’s reputation, Elliot said the estranged wife of rocker Travis Barker walked up to Paris at around 1am, "used the most vile of language" and then hit her in the jaw.
Celebrity Hijinx Exhibit H: Refer to the previous video exhibits.
Verdict: Elliot's guilty of fighting fire with fire.

Scandal: Paris, Britney, Lindsay blah blah blah
Statement: Elliot says, "What I've observed is that we have three extraordinarily powerful women who generate a tremendous amount of attention, money and adulation and they're tired of other people trying to ride on their coattails and creating false drama."
Celebrity Hijinx Exhibit I - including all previous exhibits. At the end of this video she starts all kinds of drama about some "hoodlum, broke poor bitch from like, public school bitch. faggot." I guess she forgot that she dropped out of high school.
Verdict: There’s no false drama here – she creates this for herself. While I'm definitely not the moral fiber of my group of friends, I'm at least smart enough to keep our night-vision worthy shenanigans off video tape…or my friends are smart enough to take the video camera away from me. Whatever the case, I pay my bills. At this point, Paris’ belongings are is lowering my IQ by the second but it's like a morbid fascination.

Top 5 Un-Funny Comediennes

My boyfriend and I have some of the most random conversations. Last weekend we went to see comedian Jim Gaffigan, (who I think is hysterical), perform live. Somehow, last night while talking about Jim Gaffigan, we changed the subject female comedians who are totally not funny. Then we decided to make a list. Then we decided that the list should go on the blog. Then we decided that there should be a recurring column on the blog that features a top five un-list. So like un-funny female comedians, unattractive male, unstable singers – you get the picture. It seemed like a much better idea last night when I was relatively drugged from my shoulder surgery and we were completely bored but here it goes anyway:

My top 5 list of un-funny comediennes - I'm not 100% stuck to the ranking:

1. Chelsea Handler – aside from the fact that she had to blow someone really important at E! just to get a show (I’m serious), she’s completely predictable and annoying. I can finish her jokes before she does. My #1 opinion about comedy is that truly funny people don’t have to fill their routine with swearing, self-deprecating slut material, molestation jokes and nastiness – which happens to be her whole shtick over and over and over. The novelty of the girl next door with the mouth of a trucker wears off in about 2.3 seconds and those 2.3 seconds occurred like 3 years ago.
2. Margaret Cho – we get it Margaret, you're Asian with self-esteem issues and you like the gays. Oh, and your mom doesn't speak English well.
3. Sarah Silverman – Seriously Sarah, Jews and Jesus just aren't funny anymore not even when you put them in blender with your dirty mouth, your semi-cute face and add a pinch of attempted shock value.
4. Lisa Lampanelli – She wouldn't be that bad if she didn't buy all of her jokes at Racial Sterotypes R’ Us. It doesn’t offend me, I just really don’t care why this fat bitch likes to sleep with black guys.
5. Joan Rivers – I’m sure she’s funny inside that drug-filled head of hers.

The Love to Hate Her Award:
Kathy Griffin – She’s bad but it’s good.

Honorable mentions for un-funny commedienne has-beens (Joan Rivers would be here if her stretched out, plastic face didn't keep popping up on my TV):

Sandra Bernhard – if physical repulsiveness was humor, she’d be the funniest lady around.
Paula Poundstone – the most hilarious thing she ever did was that DUI with her kids in the car.
Judy Tenuta – You might want to reevaluate your career path if an accordion is an essential part of your comedy routine.

So of course this is all personal opinion – kill me with comments if you want. Here's Chelsea being seriously un-funny - the old ladies are adorable though:

Here's Jim Gaffigan on holiday traditions:

Thyra is Pissed

OOh gurl... Tyra is angry.

Here's a clip from Thursday's upcoming episode of the Tyra Banks Show where Tyra thought it would be a good idea to respond to the people who called her a fat ass because of recent "unflattering" bathing suit photos by wearing the same swimsuit.

Some folks are hatin' on Tyra, saying that what she says is powerful and will almost make you cry until you realize she's made millions from perpetuating the stuff she's now complaining about. If a girl who looked like Tyra showed up at an America's Next Top Model audition, some wonder if Tyra would even wait to put down the turkey leg and syrup before she pulled the lever to the trap door.

I think fat is whack too, but she makes a good point.


Birthday ALARM

Justin Timberlake is 26

Minnie Driver is 36
Kelly Lynch is 48
Nolan Ryan is 60
Charlie Musselwhite is 63
Jean Simmons is 78
FUN FACT: On this day in 1747, the first venereal diseases clinic opened at London Lock Hospital. See, another reason to believe the Brits are dirty. Suck it Gwyneth Paltrow.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Frivolous Celebrity Lawsuit Alert

Now I’m not all about people dying but this lawsuit is ridiculous:

Brandy aka Moesha was driving about 65 miles an hour when she failed to slow down for traffic and rear ended a car. The driver of that car (Awatef Aboudihaj) died. Unbelievably, Brandy wasn’t under the influence of drugs, alcohol or a cell phone. The family of the victim is suing the has-been for $50 million. Now I’m going to rant for a second because I was once frivolously sued for a car accident and this shit pisses me off:

It’s sad that someone’s life was lost but my life isn’t even worth suing someone for $50 million and I tend to think I’m worth a lot. I would come back from hell and haunt my family if they ever sued anyone, has-been or not, for that much money. $50 million is like half a Britney Spears. If Brandy was drunk, on heroin and had a cell phone attached to each ear while playing bumper cars on the 405, she would certainly be opening herself up for a $50 million lawsuit. I bet if Ms. Nobody rear ended the same car and the same person died, there wouldn’t even be a lawsuit (unless Ms. Nobody was me-then the lawsuit would stay intact). Plus, if you’re going to sue for a lot of money, at least make it believable - like $5 million. Brandy hasn’t had a popular song since 1996 and her last job was a host on America’s Got Talent so there’s no way in hell she’s worth $15 million less than $50 million. I’m sorry – misdemeanor vehicular manslaughter (Brandy’s charge) is a $1,000 fine. Why should she have to pay $50 million to the family when she has to pay the government $1,000? No misdemeanor is worth $50 million. Normally, I would vote for Awatef’s family to get some money but $50 million is straight up greedy so I hope they get nothing. Yes, that might be cold but I don't care. In closing, just because Brandy hits your car doesn’t mean you also automatically hit the lottery jackpot. You got that people?

Ok I think I’m done now. I'm not even a fan of Brandy but I sure feel better after that.

Trash: Before and After

What do you do when pictures featuring your ass, rampant drug use, sexual exploits and just about every other trashy, nasty embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you are plastered all over the internet? Scrub between your legs, dress conservatively, go to Mr. Chow and seek out the paparazzi, naturally.

Before After
Please, not even a trip to the convent, a vow of celibacy and a habit could redeem these two.

Anorexia Chronicles: Now Starring in The Teeny Tiny Lebowski

Did Tara Reid pick up a gastric bypass while she was out shopping? We do know that she recently had reconstructive plastic surgery to repair her frankentummy/titties. Her boobs and belly might look good but now all of a sudden she’s freakishly skinny. Now all she needs is a surgery or an injection or something to repair her career. Has that been invented yet?

Celebrity Clone: Battle Of The Bangs Edition

Lily Allen, Mena Suvari and Nelly Furtado look like big banged triplets with their matching brown 'dos. I'm not a fan of the thick bangs but they manage to pull it off. You know, because the alternative was to walk out of the salon looking like this:

YOUR 15 MINUTES: The Reverse Munchies

Making potheads skinnier around the world, Britain's GW Pharmaceuticals Plc said Tuesday it plans to start human trials of an experimental treatment for obesity derived from cannabis. Cannabis is commonly associated with stimulating hunger. Several other companies, including Sanofi-Aventis with Acomplia, are working on new drugs that try to switch off the brain circuits that make people hungry when they smoke it. GW Pharma, however, says it has derived a treatment from cannabis itself that could help suppress hunger. "The cannabis plant has 70 different cannabinoids in it, and each has a different effect on the body," GW Managing Director Justin Gover told Reuters."Some can stimulate your appetite, and some in the same plant can suppress your appetite. It is amazing both scientifically and commercially," he said in a telephone interview. [source]

Someone must’ve been really bored to come up with this. Picture it – lab geeks sitting around one day smoking weed and philosophizing about their next pharmaceutical development. “Like dude, what illegal drug doesn’t make people skinny. Um…totally weed dude. Yeah like let’s turn weed into a drug that makes people skinny.” You know they started this research so they could get their hands on a bunch of A+ pharmaceutical grade buds. Call me crazy but wouldn’t it be easier to just make a weight loss drug out of, say, meth?

Questionable Quotes: Sharon Stone's Unsolicited $.02

Here’s Sharon Stone’s irrelevant comment on the Isaiah Washington vs. fags drama:

I've been called a bitch, and a lot worse, for years. And you know what, so what? People who think that aren't going to change their minds. And I wouldn't dream of sending them to therapy to 'rehabilitate' their feelings. How absurd. Please, I call all my gay friends 'big fags'.

Oh Sharon, if only… if only life was that simple. If only your high IQ manifested itself somewhere in your statement. If only you ruled the world with your distorted rationale.

Guessing Game..

Which teenage celebrity scion, herself a red-carpet veteran owing to her three famous parents, is on the Hollywood weight-loss plan? "She went into the disabled bathroom with six friends at [L.A. hotspot] Teddy's Saturday night," a witness tells us. They grow up so fast, don't they?

Hmmm. A rumor about Rumer, maybe?

Quote It!

Couture du Jour: Bottomless Cup

Part of me wishes that this is some kind of tragic mistake - like Sienna Miller was drunk and in a hurry therefore forgetting to throw on the bottom half of her outfit. We could also then blame her toilet seat cover fuzzy wal mart children’s shirt on aforementioned drunken hurry. Unfortunately methinks she did this on purpose – in some sort of kickback boho-meets-80’s-granny-panties fashion homage to Carrie Bradshaw’s ugliest outfit ever. Come on, Carrie Bradshaw couldn’t even pull off underwear over stockings three years ago on HBO less than Sienna Miller pulling it off in real life. This outfit confirms Sienna is a fashion fraud let’s see if Factory Girl confirms the acting equivalent. ..or has that already been confirmed.

Starbucks In Britain are FILTHY

Starbucks in England is proof that the formula works even in a nation of tea drinkers. But some feel one element was lost in the move across the Atlantic: 'Starbucks is dirtier in Britain.'

Americans have been taught to do part of the labor, and they clean up after themselves. In the US, part of Starbucks' appeal is its cleanness.' (Um, OK... I guess I'll just agree to disagree with that last point.)

[source] best part of this whole thing is that there is a blog dedicated to starbucks gossip. god loves bloggers.

YOUR YouTube FIX: Girls Are Crazy

This is by far the funniest video that I have ever seen. This bride completely wigs out and... well you need to watch to find out. If you want, skip ahead a little. This one's like 6 minutes long, but the really good stuff starts around minute 2:30.

thank you, cheray.

Birthday ALARM

Christian Bale is 33.

Gene Hackman is 77.
Phil Collins is 56.
Donnie Simpson is 53.
Margot Finley is 27.
Wilmer Valderrama is 27.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1835, in the first assassination attempt against a President, a mentally ill man named Richard Lawrence attempted to assassinate President Andrew Jackson in the United States Capitol. Both of Lawrence's pistols misfired, and Jackson proceeded to beat his would-be assassin with his cane. Sux to be you, my friend.

Monday, January 29, 2007

One Hand-Biting Blind Vice

Aren't the Oscar noms fun? Not to mention friggin' and secretly sex-ay, huh? Closeted fruits. Discreet lesbians. Outta the total number of about 177 artists nominated three days ago, gay power unites within those selected for potential Academy Awards, isn't it too exciting? Only problem is—for now—these par-tick gay men and women are mostly, like, totally lying and dating members of the opposite sex to extend their careers, selfish mother-effers! So, don't expect any thanks to homo partners up at the Kodak podium, should these gays win. Whatev.

Therefore, it lies with Potty-Puss Priscilla to enliven today's blinded badass report. It involves duplicity and damning words, two of my favorite things to report on in Hollywood, besides errant erections and heaving bosoms behind bathroom stalls. See, Ms. P.P.P. is—on the very public one hand—telling folks how mucho honored she is to be acknowledged by the Academy.

Then, on the other—not so private—digit set, P3 is busy blasting the “unseemly” rat race of it all. She considers the whole Oscar showdown a “sham,” as if we're all “greyhounds chasing a rabbit,” she's said to amigas, privately. Now, isn't it sweet, too divine, really, that Ms. P.'s all but certainly going to be up on that stage, come Oscar night, giving the best artistic showing of her career—as in pretending she's actually humbled by all this Academy Award nonsense.

Oh, I should tell you something: In case you sense any bitterness on Priss-babe's part, that's because she is. Snarky and snide, that is. Thinks she should have gotten these brass-sucker jobs more often. Oh, dear. Shouldn't somebody tell Priscilla darling that expectations will not only put lines on her deceivingly sweet face but that I hear this kinda soul-stealing, stinky emotion makes your cleavage droopy 'n' wrinkly, too. Or so I'm told. It ain't: It probably is: either Peneolpe Cruz, The Queen Lady or Kate Winslet. Is it me or is this BV really dumb. You better believe I'd say the same damn thing if I was a jaded and in Hollywood.

Anorexia Chronicles: What The Hell

I was going to write a little piece on Jenna Jameson and the current lack thereof but it appears as if anorexia chronicles should be the least of her worries! What happened to swanky-skanky, lust-worthy Jenna? Did divorce fly her over the cuckoos nest? Did those missing 20 pounds send all of her implants/lifts on a tectonic shift from the brow down? Jenna Jameson can do no wrong in my book but this incredible shrinking, shifting look has to go. Seriously, it pains me to say that she looks like a dumpy mix between Donatella Versace and plastic surgery junkie/porn slut Tabitha Stevens. Obviously that’s far from a compliment. For some reason, I just wanted more from the Queen of Porn. She’s rich enough to not look all used and abused at 31. There’s a point when people don’t want to watch plastic, mutilated little things having sex on screen – just ask Tabitha Stevens. Here's more of the tragedy:

Quote It!

YOUR YouTube FIX: The Human Element

This beautifully executed commercial fell under heavy scrutiny a little more than six months ago. Dow Chemical released its advertising campaign "The human element." The campaign seeks to improve the tarnished corporate image by letting the public know it works to change lives.

Indeed Dow's manufacturing of toxic chemicals and by products do change lives but not in the way Dow claims. Throughout decades Dow's lack of public accountability has threatened the personal health and safety of the public, taken lives, and devastated the environment.

It's it ironic? Don't you think?

Isaiah Vs. T.R. Round 1000

Believe it when you see it, but MSNBC's Jeanette Walls is reporting that T.R. Knight may be leaving Grey's Anatomy.

According to Walls' source, Knight "is so upset about the situation and so disgusted by how it was all handled" that he's ready to go. "He was told not to say anything about the whole incident. He kept his word, but then the whole thing blew up again at the Golden Globes, and when he was asked about it, he basically called Isaiah a liar. He feels that the atmosphere there is so toxic and unhealthy. I suppose things could change and we would stay, but for now, he’s planning to leave the show."

After refusing to comment on the rumor, Knight's rep called Walls to say the story was "completely, one thousand percent false."

What a shame it would be to see Knight leave the show when it's Washington who should be shown the door.

Below, actress Chandra Wilson and the cast of Grey's note Washington's absence as they accept trophies over the weekend at the Screen Actors Guild awards.



very, very nice.

SAG-Ass Tittie Awards

Yawn... another award show has passed. I'll admit, I didn't watch a second of this shit... and frankly, couldn't care less... but for those of you who do, here's a rundown of events... en-muthafucking-joy.

Oscar front-runner Helen Mirren reigned 'Queen' of the 13th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards last night picking up Best Female Actor in a TV Movie or Miniseries for her portrayal of Queen Elizabeth I in 'Elizabeth I' and the same prize in the movie category for playing Queen Elizabeth II in 'The Queen.'

Meanwhile, Forest Whitaker grabbed Best Male Actor in a Motion Picture for his role as Ugandan dictator Idi Amin. It seemed the soft-spoken actor/director was struck speechless, rambling through some awkward words of gratitude.

On the supporting end, Eddie Murphy and Jennifer Hudson received honours for their portrayal as soul singers in 'Dreamgirls,' reinforcing their status as Oscar front-runners as well. The full-list of winners is as follows:

Female Actor in a TV Movie or Miniseries - HELEN MIRREN / ELIZABETH I
Male Actor in a TV Movie or Miniseries - JEREMY IRONS / ELIZABETH I
Female Actor in a Comedy Series - AMERICA FERRERA / UGLY BETTY
Male Actor in a Comedy Series - ALEC BALDWIN / 30 ROCK
Ensemble in a Comedy Series - THE OFFICE
Male Actor in a Supporting Role - EDDIE MURPHY / DREAMGIRLS
Life Achievement Award -JULIE ANDREWS
Female Actor in a Drama Series - CHANDRA WILSON / GREY’S ANATOMY
Male Actor in a Drama Series - Hugh Laurie / HOUSE
Ensemble in a Drama Series - GREY’S ANATOMY
Female Actor in a Supporting Role - JENNIFER HUDSON / DREAMGIRLS
Female Actor in a Leading Role - HELEN MIRREN / THE QUEEN
Cast of a Motion Picture - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE

Who is the Screen Actors Guild anyhow?

Birthday ALARM

Sara Gilbert is 31

Tom Selleck is 61
Ann Jillian is 56
Teresa Teng is 53
Oprah Winfrey is 52
Greg Louganis is 46
Heather Graham is 36
Andrew Keegan is 27
Jonny Lang is 25
FUN FACT: On this day in 1978, Sweden outlawed aerosol sprays due to their harmful effect on the ozone layer, becoming the first nation to enact such a ban.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Paris Hilton: A Pornographic Tale... This'll Keep You Busy For A While

We, like many of you, had no idea what we were in store for when we learned Paris forgot to pay a $208 bill for storage. YOWZERS. See below... and please, for Paris' sake, take your time. Get to know Paris inside (puke) and out (vom).

In the first item we have a personal note from papa Rick Hilton to his heirheaded daughter, offering her some guidance (read: handout) towards her career. My favourite line: "Mom and I created the Uptown & Downtown fragrances to give you girl's credibility and have you taken more seriously."

The second item appears to be a medical report documenting a miscarriage for "Amber Taylor" who happens to be born in the same year as Paris. Hmmmm....

STILL hungry??? Fine! From the wonderful people at ONTD, I bring you Paris Hilton: A Photographic Tale of Trash!

Paris & Her pipes, weed, coke & shrooms

Paris loading up the pipe
Paris high as a kite, trying to eat her hand
Paris high with gorgeous hair
Paris filming herself while shes got the munchies, more of that sexxiez hair
Paris getting high again
Paris is still getting high
....and higher
Paris is officially high
Nicole Richie eating coke off of a plate
Nicoles coke plate
Paris and Jasons shrooms galore
More of Jason and Paris shrooms
Paris and pipeParis getting high with a joint

Personal Pictures
Paris half naked getting out of a tanning bed
Paris modeling pix
Paris being kissed by some guy
Paris taking a pix of herself
Paris and some guy
Nicole, some chick and Nicky
The attack of the wonky eye & ugly guyNicoles cooter, kinda

Misc. Documents
Request for shoes for a photoshoot
Paris's schedule
Notes about Nick Carter, LAPD and Tara Ried
Interview questions for Paris & Nicky
Paris's Ohio fake ID
Notes for a fake ID
Nicole Richies Arizona University ID
A card to Paris from Nick
A letter from Paris to Nick

Guy on yacht covered in coke, not baby powder
Coke man 1
Coke man 2
Coke man 3

Personal Misc. Photos
Paris mooning you
Paris & Nick Carter
Paris, Nicky, Nicole & some other bitches
Paris, Nicky & Nicole
Nicole & Paris, as kids
Paris & Nicole photobooth
Kim Stewart, Someone, Nicky & Nicole
Nicole & Paris
Nicole with tall chick
Paris & Nicole in a urinal
Brian, Nicole, someone
Nicole & people
Nicole's ass
Nicole, Nicky & Paris
Nicole, Michael Jackson, Paris
Nicky & Nicole
Paris, Tara, Nicky & Nicole
Paris & Nicole with some dudes
Nicole crying in a chair
Nicky & Paris pose with a crying Nicole
Cisco Adler, butt ass naked, NSFW, PENIS!
Paris & Amanda Lepore, NSFW, PUSS!
Paris getting it in the butt
Paris & Nicole making out! OMG!
Nicole is a pyro

Simple Life Photos
Paris & Nicole working on "The Simple Life" 1
Paris & Nicole Working on "The Simple Life" 2
Paris, Nicole & guys from "The Simple Life"
Paris & Nicole, The Simple Life premiere

Paris & her drugs, again
Paris, some guy rolling a joint
Paris, Playboy bitches & a bong
Paris getting high in an elevator
Drug notes from Amsterdam
Paris & Chad Muska stoned out of their small minds
Paris's drugs

Le fin.


Per Page Six:

Paris Hilton is taking up with a former flame in a fight to get their smut off the Web.

The celebutard and "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis have amassed a pit-bull legal team to attack the creators of parisexposed. com - a pay-to-view Web site boasting Hilton's most cringe-worthy memorabilia, including porn videos made during their months-long courtship.

"We're pissed and I feel for Paris right now. She's been victimized yet again," Francis told The Post yesterday. "We want this thing down and we're seeking monetary damages."

Francis said that videos of him with a topless Hilton were only intended for their eyes, and that the sex-crazed heiress is "devastated" that they've been made available to the public.

"They were taken for us only when we were dating," Francis said. "These guys have absolutely no right to use the images - they flat-out put them on the Web with no permission. He messed with the wrong person."


Francis said Hilton is also seeking criminal charges because the site's creators -"Sultan of Sleaze" David Hans Schmidt and broker Bardia Persa - posted her medical records, revealing she was taking Valtrex to treat herpes.

Friday, January 26, 2007



Birthday ALARM

Actor Paul Newman is 82.

Sports announcer-actor Bob Uecker is 72.
Actor Scott Glenn is 68.
Actor David Strathairn is 58.
Singer Lucinda Williams is 54.
Guitarist Eddie Van Halen is 52.
Comedian Ellen DeGeneres is 49.
Actor Paul Johansson (One Tree Hill ) is 43.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1986, Halley's Comet was visible in the night sky as it passed in its 76-year orbit around the sun.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Shoulder Schmulder

Dear Fabulous Celebrity Hijinx Readers:

Bright and early Friday morning I’m having shoulder surgery. I’m not quite sure how I injured by shoulder since I don’t partake in much shoulder-injuring activity: throwing balls, playing ball, benchpressing or any other manly shoulder thingy. The most I do with my shoulder is carry my overpriced purses and the occasional handjob. Alas, my shoulder is more torn-up then Paris Hilton’s vag and I’ve been on a slippery slope of painkillers and misery for the past eight-ish months. I don’t yet know if I’ll be able to type – hopefully I’m as successful at one-handed blogging as Heather Mills McCartney is at one-legged golddigging. When this is over, expect tons of musings from a new, improved xine. Much thanks to Dino for holding this shit together while they put my shoulder back together and I put my life back together!


Dick Cheney Gets Mad. Careful, He May Shoot You

Wolf Blitzer talked to VP Dick Cheney in an interview that aired on The Situation Room last night, and at the end of the interview asked about Dick's lesbian daughter Mary. Dick wasn't too happy about that:

Q We're out of time, but a couple of issues I want to raise with you. Your daughter Mary, she's pregnant. All of us are happy. She's going to have a baby. You're going to have another grandchild. Some of the -- some critics, though, are suggesting, for example, a statement from someone representing Focus on the Family:

"Mary Cheney's pregnancy raises the question of what's best for children. Just because it's possible to conceive a child outside of the relationship of a married mother and father, doesn't mean it's best for the child."

Do you want to respond to that?


Q She's obviously a good daughter --

THE VICE PRESIDENT: I'm delighted -- I'm delighted I'm about to have a sixth grandchild, Wolf, and obviously think the world of both of my daughters and all of my grandchildren. And I think, frankly, you're out of line with that question.

Q I think all of us appreciate --

THE VICE PRESIDENT: I think you're out of -- I think you're out of line with that question.

Q -- your daughter. We like your daughters. Believe me, I'm very, very sympathetic to Liz and to Mary. I like them both. That was just a question that's come up and it's a responsible, fair question.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: I just fundamentally disagree with your

The full transcript of Cheney's interview, in which he also dismissed as "hogwash" notions that mistakes made in the Iraq war may have hurt his and the administration's credibility, can be found at the TPM Muckraker.


Birthday ALARM

Singer Alicia Keys is 26.

Actor Dean Jones is 76.
Blues singer Etta James is 69.
Actress Leigh Taylor-Young (Peyton Place ) is 63.
Actress Jenifer Lewis is 50.
Actress Dinah Manoff (Empty Nest ) is 49.
Country drummer Mike Burch of River Road is 41.
Singer Kina (Brownstone) is 38.
Guitarist Matt Odmark of Jars of Clay is 33.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Fast Food Workers and Their Dying Souls

Kevin Federline is one Big Mac away from some special sauce, and I'm not talking about the kind McDonalds makes. I'm talking about the kind the McDonald's employees make. What the hell else are the workers to do on those long overnight shifts?

A top executive at the National Restaurant Association has blasted the commercial, which shows Britney's ex daydreaming about being a rap star but really working in a fast-food joint, for being "demeaning and unpleasant" to the nation's 12.8 million restaurant workers, the New York Post reports.

The rep, Annika Stensson, believes the ad could have been done differently. "A sudden change in Federline's career could have been depicted with him holding an unemployment benefit check," she says. "It shouldn't be necessary for a company to disrespect others to get its point across. ...It's a negative, unfair and inaccurate reflection. It's not Kevin we take issue with, but the depiction of where he ends up."

Stensson has complained officially in a letter to Nationwide CEO Jerry Jurgensen.

Hey, Annika... what the hell kind of name is Annika? You're an executive at the National Restaurant Association, with a big, brown mahogany desk I'm sure (or maybe you work in a cube like me - regardless), a bird's eye view of the city from your lush office, and I bet you're a lot of fun on the weekends! You probably walk to lunch with the other fat-asshole women you work with everyday, eating dry salads with a mustard pack and a lemon wedge... all the while, secretly acknowledging that you'd rather eat your bosses shit than ever work at a fast food joint. Don't lie. Slapping beef patties together and squeezing some special sauce on it is demeaning, and frankly, this commercial is not an inaccurate depiction. Stop trying to bullshit the American people. We know shit when we smell it.

Get over here, Annika. I've got some special sauce for you too.


Hakuna Matata!

I'm totally trying to be mean here:

Shortly before the show, they released Fantasia from the zoo, threw a sparkley frock on her and pushed her onto the stage to perform her concert of songs from the Lion King.

Rachel Ray Go Away

My baseline for Rachel Ray is "can't stand her." So today TMZ uncovers a reported conversation from over a year ago (which is like 12 in gossip years): around 7:00 PM on December 3, 2005, Rachel Ray, along with seven others, went to Houston's Restaurant at the Century City Shopping Mall in Los Angeles producing a conversation that sent me on a rollercoaster of Rachel Ray emotion.

Rachel Ray was drinking red wine and lots of it -- one source says a minimum of four big glasses. Plus for Rachel! Ray ordered fish and complained to the table it was dry. Complainers annoy me almost as much as people who ask 1.4 million questions about the menu. She wouldn't know a dry fish if she took a look between her legs. Two thumbs back down for Rachel. Rachel then became "extremely loud and aggressive" from too much red wine. I like a rowdy drunk every now and then and I especially love four glasses of red wine for dinner. Sources say she told the group how much she liked Jennifer Aniston and then called Brad Pitt a "pussy boy." But her harshest comments were reserved for Angelina Jolie, calling her "a skanky, backdoor c**t." Sounds like my kind of dinnertime conversation. Go Rachel. Then Sources say she told the group about a portrait of Oprah that sits in the lobby of Harpo Productions in Chicago. It's from the movie "Beloved" and shows Winfrey's back, enhanced with scars. She's also wearing a skirt from the slavery era. Ray launched into attack mode: "Why is she wearing slave drag? She obviously has problems being black." What? That doesn't even make sense. Minus two points for dissing Oprah, the same Oprah who made Rachel Ray someone that might turn up in a gossip column or two. Minus one point for the totally uncreative dis. Oh, and minus one more point for having a creepy husband who hires women to spit on him in a kinky kind of way. The Director of Publicity for Rachael Ray, Charlie Dougiello, says, "Rachael did attend the dinner referenced and enjoyed wine and good conversation with friends and colleagues. She denies making any of the comments referenced. In fact, there are several words that are attributed to Rachael that she has never uttered in her life." Come on, you know she calls her husband "pussy boy" ever night before she spits him goodnight, rolls over and goes to sleep. I still can't stand Rachel Ray.

Anna Nicole Will Not Win a Spelling Bee

TMZ obtained an AOL Instant Message conversation yesterday between Anna Nicole Smith and Larry Birkhead. Anna Nicole made it clear that she's not going to submit to a DNA paternity test without a fight, and she's got her grammatical dukes up and ready...

The following is a precise transcript, complete with spelling and grammatical errors (the user names have been changed):

Anna Nicole quit trash me at the casino
Larry not at a casino
Anna Nicole go f**k my mom to
Anna Nicole Yall are sick
Larry show up for the test with the baby
Anna Nicole don't think so
Anna Nicole u wish
Larry everybody just want u to do right thing is all
Anna Nicole in your dreams

The deadline for the paternity test was today. TMZ learned Anna's lawyers were in Los Angeles County Superior Court this morning trying to block the test. The judge has not issued a definitive ruling on Smith's motion and so far the DNA test has not happened.

Can someone explain what "quit trash me at the casino," really means? Is she saying, "quit trashing me at the casino?" OR "I'm quite trashy at the casino." And honestly Anna, no one wants to "F**K" your mom, "to..." or too, whatever.


Birthday ALARM

Actress Mischa Barton (The O.C. ) is 21.

Cajun fiddler Doug Kershaw is 71.
Singer Aaron Neville is 66.
Singer Neil Diamond is 66.
Actor Michael Ontkean (Twin Peaks) is 61.
Comedian Yakov Smirnoff is 56.
Singer Pat "Sleepy Brown" of Society of Soul is 37.
Actress Matthew Lillard (Scooby Doo, She's All That) is 37.
Actress Merrilee McCommas (Family Law) is 36.
Actress Tatyana Ali (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) is 28.

FUN FACT: On this day in 2006, Disney agreed to purchase Pixar in an all-cash deal, making Steve Jobs the largest shareholder in Disney.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Producer Disco D Commits Suicide

David Shayman, aka up-and-coming hip hop producer, remixer, Ghettotech proliferator (and rumored coiner of the genre's name) Disco D, committed suicide earlier today at age 27, according to Shayman was best known for "Ski Mask Way", his collaboration with 50 Cent on 2005's The Massacre, though he also produced tracks by Trick Daddy, AZ, Lil' Scrappy, and Nina Sky.

Shayman was born in St. Louis, Missouri and moved to Ann Arbor, Michigan when he was six years old. His proximity to Detroit and the rave scene there inspired the Disco D moniker in November of 1996. After signing his first record contract at 17, Shayman formed his own label, GTI Recordings, just two years later. In addition to graduating with honors from the University of Michigan's Ross School of Business (after which he moved to New York City), Shayman was responsible for official remixes of Pharrell, Crime Mob, and Shiny Toy Guns. His other remixees include Usher, Christina Milian, B.G., 8Ball & MJG, Da Brat, and Lords of Acid.

His website boasts that Shayman ran companies with functions that ranged from artist development/A&R to the "import/export of unique products from Brazil," but Shayman's most recent endeavor focused on Brazilian music. He founded the Gringo Louco label and signed BRAZA, whose "Son Do BRAZA" single he produced.

Shayman's own releases include 2001's Straight Out Tha Trunk and 2003's A Night at the Booty Bar (on Tommy Boy). In the bio on his website, he describes his music modus operandi as follows: "Before Disco D was even born, I was a fan of all types of different stuff, from the Beatles and Donna Summer to Charlie Parker and John Coltrane to N.W.A and 2 Live Crew to Pantera, Primus, and GWAR. I didn't have any sort of preconceptions about genres, I just was into what impacted me emotionally."

Though no specific information surrounding Shayman's suicide is available, according to MTV he was bipolar and suffered from depression.

Disco D R.I.P.

Stream: Disco D: Various Tracks


Angelina is Gonna Be Pissed

Talking about one of his first jobs at Newsweek's annual Oscar roundtable Saturday in Hollywood, Pitt said, "My job was to drive them to bachelor parties and things. I'd pick them up, and at the gig I'd collect the money, play the bad Prince tapes and catch the girls' clothes. It was not a wholesome atmosphere, and it got very depressing."

But it was not without its perks: Just before quitting, Pitt made a critical show business contact.

"This girl – I'd never met her before – was in an acting class taught by a man named Roy London," a famous acting coach, he said, according to excerpts in this week's Newsweek. "I went and checked it out, and it really set me on the path to where I am now."

He added: "Strippers changed my life."

On a more serious note, Brad talked about how becoming a dad has put things in perspective. "When I started, I had this idea that the films I did defined me, and that my life would be interesting based on the characters I'd chosen," he said. "I don't feel that way anymore. I'm a father now. There are other things that are important to me. I was chasing something that wasn't fulfilling."

He added: "I caught myself on the phone the other day – Leo (DiCaprio) has been playing some real strong men these last few years, and I found myself saying, 'I want to play more of a man.' I got off the phone and I thought, 'No. Live like a man, and the movies will follow.' "

Hey, Brad, I've got a whole lot of careface and a fake smile with your name all over it. You sure Angelina said it was alright for you to speak? You best check yo self.


YOUR YouTube FIX: This Is A Spider on Drugs...

Ok technically not YouTube but still equally informative and entertaining:

Beyonce is Gonna Be Pissed!

The flashy musical "Dreamgirls" leads Academy Awards contenders with eight nominations, but surprisingly is shut out in the best picture category for which it had been considered a potential front-runner. SNAP. Beyonce is bout to come check up on it.

Best actress nominations included Helen Mirren for "The Queen," Penelope Cruz for "Volver,” Judi Dench for "Notes On A Scandal," Meryl Streep for "The Devil Wears Prada" and Kate Winslet for "Little Children."

Best actor nods went to Leonardo DiCaprio for "Blood Diamond," "Ryan Gosling" for "Half Nelson," Peter O'Toole for "Venus," Will Smith for "The Pursuit of Happyness," and Forest Whitaker for "The Last King of Scotland."

The big prize of the night, best picture, will go to either "Babel," "The Departed," "Letters From Iwo Jima," "Little Miss Sunshine," or "The Queen." **My money is on "The Queen."**

Earlier, likely contenders for the top Oscar in today's nominations were the musical "Dreamgirls," the mob saga "The Departed," the multinational drama "Babel" and the British-royalty tale "The Queen."


Birthday ALARM

Actor Richard Dean Anderson (MacGyver) is 57.

Actress Chita Rivera is 74.
Actor Gil Gerard is 64.
Actor Rutger Hauer is 63.
Singer Anita Pointer of the Pointer Sisters is 59.
Singer-guitarist Robin Zander of Cheap Trick is 54.
Singer Anita Baker is 49.
Bassist Earl Falconer of UB40 is 48.
Actress Gail O'Grady (NYPD Blue) is 44.
Singer Marc Nelson (Az Yet) is 36.
Actress Tiffani Thiessen (Beverly Hills, 90210) is 33.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1984, "Hulkamania" was born when Hulk Hogan defeated The Iron Sheik to win the WWF Championship. Twenty three years later, we're stuck watching his ugly family on some VH1 reality show. Nice.

Monday, January 22, 2007

In Who-Gives-A-Shit News Today...

TV Guide's Michael Ausiello reports that embattled Grey's Anatomy actor Isaiah Washington has fired his longtime publicist and picked up 42 West's Allan Mayer and Kelly Mullens, a team supposedly adept in "crisis situations".

Ausiello also reports that an ABC source tells him that the network is weighing its options regarding what form Washington's punishment might take, while the show's creator, Shonda Rhimes, has yet to publicly denounce her star's behavior.

Following Washington's reiteration of the word "faggot" in the Golden Globes press room, Rhimes, after giggling nervously, stepped up to the mic and said: "Things were created in a very odd way by the press that were not necessarily completely reported as true … [but] I don't think any reporter made it up."

The NYT reports in today's edition that ABC executives have been ordered not to comment beyond a prepared statement issued by the network as Washington's fate is decided.



Duhamel: Half Naked With A Small Wiener

Here's America's favorite butterface's boyfriend, Josh Duhamelon on Friday night's episode of Las Vegas.

Birthday ALARM

Actress Beverley Mitchell (Seventh Heaven) is 26.

Actor John Hurt is 67.
Country bassist Teddy Gentry of Alabama is 55.
Actress Linda Blair is 48.
Actress Diane Lane is 42.
Rap DJ-actor Jazzy Jeff is 42.
Singer Marc Gay of Shai is 38.
Actor Balthazar Getty is 32.
Actor Christopher K. Masterson (Malcolm in the Middle) is 27.
Singer Willa Ford is 26.
Guitarist Ben Moody (Evanescence) is 26.

FUN FACT FOR DAN & JORDAN (mostly): On this day in 1984, the Apple Macintosh, the first consumer computer to popularize the computer mouse and the graphical user interface, was introduced during Super Bowl XVIII with its famous "1984" television commercial.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Introducing the iPhone

It's a camera. It's a movie player. A bottle opener. An electric razor. A mousetrap. Lip gloss. A condiment dispenser. A cheese grater. A treadmill. A children's thermometer. A portable shower. Sideburns. And a condom. Know what it is yet? It's an iPhone spoof courtesy of Conan O'brien.

Christ... Here's One More Grey's Anatomy Story

TV Guide's Michael Ausiello reports that Neil Patrick Harris (WHO XINE JUST MET!!!) commented on the Grey's Anatomy F-word scandal yesterday at a CBS press tour party.

Says Ausiello:

"T.R. has proven himself to be an incredibly classy, dignified guy," [Neil Patrick Harris] told me. "I'm impressed that Katherine Heigl said what she said. I was shocked that it all reared its ugly head again."

Harris — who came out just weeks after Knight — wouldn't comment on what form Washington's "punishment" should take. "It's impossible for me to make any kind of comment about that because I wasn't there when it happened. It's just disappointing that it's... cyclical."

Meanwhile, the word from the Grey's set is that Washington's problems extend far beyond his affinity for a certain derogatory f-word. Per a source, his behavior has been so "inappropriate and offensive" for so long that producers have often been forced to intervene.

K, I swear, no more stories related to the use, or rather mis-use of the F-word.


Seinfeld Goes To Court Over Pennies From His Bank Account

This story is Jewish on SO many different levels:

Jerry Seinfeld's high-priced spread is going to cost him more than he thought, about $100,000 more. A Manhattan judge has ruled that the comedian owes about that much as a commission to the broker who helped him find a townhouse on the Upper West Side that he and wife Jessica bought for $3.95 million in February 2005. Seinfeld had argued that the broker, Tamara Cohen, did not deserve the commission because she failed to show the West 82nd Street brownstone on the Jewish Sabbath, the day the Seinfelds wanted to see it. The Seinfelds looked at the house and made a deal to buy it without Cohen after they were unable to reach Cohen and she failed to return their calls.

Cohen said she had told the Seinfelds she observed the Jewish Sabbath and could not work between Friday evening and sundown Saturday. But the Seinfelds told the court they did not know why Cohen did not return their calls. State Supreme Court Justice Rolando Accosta said "the evidence clearly indicates she served as the Seinfelds' real estate broker," and that she had shown them a number of residences before finding the townhouse. The judge also noted that Cohen had agreed with Maximillan Sanchez, the broker who listed the house for its owners, to split evenly a 5 percent or 6 percent fee, her half paid by the Seinfelds and his half paid by the owners of the house.

"The only real issue here, as far as the court is concerned," Accosta said in his decision earlier this month, "is whether the broker's fee was 5 or 6 percent." The judge ordered a trial to determine how much Cohen should get. At 5 percent, the total fee would be $197,500 and Seinfeld would owe Cohen $98,750; at 6 percent, the fee would be $237,000 and Cohen's cut would be $118,500. Seinfeld's lawyer, Richard Menaker, was not immediately available, people in his office said. Cohen's lawyer, Steven Landy, said he was "gratified and happy with the decision, and we believe it was the correct one." Sanchez, the listing broker, was paid 3 percent, Landy said. He said it was Cohen's position that she, too, was owed 3 percent. Landy said he had heard Menaker was moving to reargue the case. "I don't believe he has any legal basis to do so," Landy said. "The judge left him very little wiggle room." [source]

Two Schnoz-Straining Blind Vices

After-hours parties always spell trouble, right? Yes, thank gawd! I mean, anything that happens after the clubs close at some über-mansion in the Hollywood Hills after two ayem is bound to be bad news, right? (Just ask Lindsay Lohan where that type of late-night stuff lands you, if you don't believe moi.)

Such delish naughtiness is what was goin' down at the owner of a Hollywood hot spot's posh pad recently. After the booty-shakin' boîte announced last call, said proprietor moved the celeb-hoppin' pah-tay to his private home. How very accommodating! And all the usual trash-rag suspects were there, as well as some more surprising ones. But, no guest, I assure you, was as shocking as the Sniffer honey, a rail-thin tart, if there ever was one. This skinny gal, who has a rather wholesome rep, has been rumored to like hitting the slopes before, ya know. But, nothing concrete has been sighted on her—until now. Some peeps say hitting the powder runs is precisely why this gal got so damn skeletal all of the sudden. But, I digress, per usual.

Anyhow, Ms. Sniff was in dire need of a hit and told the whole room as much. “Do you have our stuff?” Sniffer Stella yelled to her partner in partying crime, who, evidently, had the supply. “I need a bump!” Thank heavens S.B.'s trusty amiga had the goods! “It's right here in my purse!,” the partygoer yelled back, as the girls not so discreetly rendezvoused to the bathroom, almost as if they were in the mansion all by themselves (which was hardly the case).

Meanwhile, at the same nose-candy coral, a very pretty boy we'll call Wendell Waxer was being rather obvious himself. The good-lookin' guy, whose sexuality is often questioned, was loudly placing a bet with a friend over who could score the hottest girl in the house. The winner, it was decided between the cave-dude types, got not only bragging rights, but the rails of coke lined up on the coffee table for the taking. W2 won, of course, and pulled a hottie right fast. But, W.W., hon, you'd better be careful...the booger sugar, to be friggin' sure, ages that fine face of yours faster than your flack gets fake union items in the gossips. It ain't:My guess:
I have a feeling Sniffer Stella is Hilary Duff. Have you seen the bones on that 'wholesome' little being lately? I'm going to leave the guy guess up to Dino because he's better with the boys.

YOUR YouTube FIX: Best. Gift. Ever.

*Uncensored Version*

You may want to turn the volume down a little for this one, kids.
**may be NSFW**

thanks, jessica

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Photo Op for Mother Nature

We interupt this program to bring you, what many consider to be, an amazing photograph.

What you're looking at are roads and cleared land caused by loggers and their trucks and machinery in southern Sweden. The pattern they've caused in the destruction has come to illustrate the very thing they have destroyed.
It was an entry in a photo contest about "convergence" on Timothy McSweeney's Internet Tendency, an offshoot of the well-known literary quarterly.

According to McSweeney's: "It was taken by a Swede named Jocke Berglund, and it won him a Wildlife Photographer of the Year award from London's Natural History Museum."

We're not often serious here at Celebrity Hijinx, but when it comes to Mother Nature, we don't fuck around. Xine totally recycles (at least she does when she visits) and I totally buy food from the farmer's market when I can (and not because there's a justin timberlake look-a-like that sells the best cucumbers).

Be good to the planet.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.