Myspace Masterpieces: Memoirs of A Yeast Infection

Yesterday I wrote about the current Amber Alert for my missing creativity and its fraternal twin Ambition, and it spawned a little idea for the blog. Why not utilize other people’s creativity and/or stupidity for our own entertainment through the easily-accessible, public means of MySpace blogs? So, all you electronically networked readers, start forwarding the wild and crazy MySpace blogs you read while you’re bored at work. celebhijinx@gmail.com is always open for business.

Here’s the debut blog – not responsible for the continuous misspellings of prescription and hygiene as well as the chronic homophone misuse- isle instead of aisle.

Author's Vitals:
Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 27
City: Los Angeles, CA

Title: I have a YEAST INFECTION

Confused about the subject title? Think it's for shock value? No . . . I really do have a yeast infection!

For the past 3 months or so, I've had a strange irritation on my chest below my right pectoral. I thought it was a rash, or an allergic reaction, so I applied steroid cream to it. After a few months of this, it only seemed to be making the condition worse. I went to the doctor today in fear that this growth might completely cover my body and eat me alive, and he stated that I have a skin fungus. I thought, "cool, it'll be easy to get rid of it. Thank God it's not some rare skin eating bacteria or ebola or something." He proceeded to write me a perscription for "Miconazole." (ladies, you already know where this is going).

Upon arriving to the pharmacy, I handed the woman behind the counter my perscription. She looks at me funny as if I was about to give her a punch line, then after an uncomfortable moment of silence, she says "I'll be right back." She goes over to what appears to be the "head pharmacist" and proceeds to point at me. She returns saying "it's an over the counter drug" and points in the general direction of all the over the counter drug isles. So, I head over to the isle with the cortizone and cortizade itching cream, but "miconazole" is nowhere to be found. I ask the pharmacist again, which isle? She says check in the foot section (makes sense, fungus and feet). So I check in the foot isle . . . no "miconazole." Upon returning the pharmacist one last time, she says "Check the feminine hygene section." I said, "feminine hygene?!?" So she escorts me over to the feminine hygene section and hands me a box of Monistat (or otherwise stated on the box:

"yeast infection relief
Miconazole
nitrate vaginal cream
Vaginal antifungal
cures most vaginal yeast infections
+ external vulvar cream")

I stared at her, then back at the box, and back at her. She shrugs her shoulders silently, smirks and walks away back to her pharmacist batcave. I stared at the box, then back at my percription. Miconazole. It says it both on the box and on my percription. After a few minutes of deciding whether or not the doctor was making a mockery of me for the delight of his coworkers, I got it just in case. Upon purchasing the "miconazole" the asian cashier at the front of the store seemed to be pretty confused and failed to look at me.

So, after talking to my doctor, it turns out my exgirlfriend gave me a yeast infection . . . ON MY CHEST!! How it's possible, I don't know. Just a lingering side effect of my ex girlfriend. A departing gift I suppose. So, I'm gunna go apply some monistat yeast infection relief vaginal antifungal cream on my CHEST! What did you guys do tonight? HA

Courture du Jour: Friday Beauty Tips from My Makeup Bag

Think outside the tube.
Ballmania is my new favorite lip balm by accident. My coworker bought too many for Hanukkah so she gave me one. Of course now I’m addicted. Ballmania a premium lip balm (SPF-20, Aloe Vera, Shea Butter, Vitamins A, C, D3 and E, food grade flavoring) packaged in stylish twist-top ball containers that hold more then twice as much balm as the typical tube and are really easy to find in the bottom of a purse. You can buy them online here and in bulk here (they’re a great addition to any gift!) I think once I'm done with this one, I'm going to clean it out and use it as a little pill box. Made for a man but still sassy enough for a woman.
When you think of unisex fragrance, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind? Thanks to the overworked Calvin Klein marketing department in the 1990’s: CKOne of course. Well, it’s not 1994 and truthfully CKOne smells to girly for a man so get that sly marketing bit out of your head. Here are two great men’s colognes that smell equally as good on a woman. Sharing with your boyfriend is a great way to add a few more scents to your collection. This comes from years of personal perfume experimentation (descriptions by designers):

Higher by Christian Dior. Higher with fruity top notes of pear, basil and frosted citrus, tempered by spicy heart notes, this is an unexpectedly bracing scent. Le Male by Jean Paul Gaultier. Top notes: Strength expressed by the freshness of mint. Heart notes: Traditional lavender is used with a twist. Base notes: The sensuality of vanilla expresses tenderness.

One Pooftah Putz Blind Vice

Yeah, well, Slurpa Pop-Off's hair extensions were just falling out the other night at a fancy-ass party—I'm so riveted by that one, aren't you all, my jaded nelly-jellies? Really, I am. Nevertheless, I'm going to go with a new member of the Blind Vice family—though, I must say, what earns her a mention in these asshole annals of abhorrent Hell-Ay behavior among the rich and stupid, is, well, utterly stupidola (and nothing new)! Read on:

Apple Marvini has it all (and I mean all). She's loaded as s--t. She's fairly well dressed, still got a decent bod. She gives regularly to charity, she's not without talent and she's newly searching for a legalized mattress mate—such fun when money's no object, n'est-ce pas? But perhaps that's just the prob. The only guys A.M. seems to attract (including her most promising current prospect for a union) are those who are also into the majorly moneyed habits, not so much activities involving multiple climaxes and cleaning up the sheets afterward.

Yes, like many a less well-off gal throughout the nation, Ms. Em has found herself hankering for a dude who cares more about having his undies starched than dirtying up hers. Why do women do this, time after time? Granted, making the help cry can be sickly fascinating (A. and her "man" do this equally adeptly), but isn't holding the one you love—and lust for—till the sun comes up worth anything? Not to A.M., apparently. As she has, after all, made it quite clear she's not overly fond of what that cuddling (and accompanying commotion) produced with her last man. It Ain't: It could be: I barely understand this one. She has a man who is boring in the sack? That's it? That's the scandal? Join the rest of the women in America.

Birthday ALARM -Special Edition

CelebHijinx's Dino turns a fabulous 27 today.

Go Dino. It’s your birfday. We’re gonna party like it’s your birfday. We’re gonna drink soy milk like it’s your birfday. And you know we don’t give a poop cuz it’s your birfday.

Pittsburgh's own Braedon hits the deuce duece today.
Norah Jones was born exactly one year before Dino. Fancy that.
Eric Clapton is still going strong at 62.
MC Hammer isn’t having the same luck at 45.
Ian Ziering is dancing his way to 43 years old. He’s surprisingly old. He was totally old enough to be drinking beer in the cafeteria at West Beverly Hills High School. Actually, I knew someone at my high school in the same situation.
Paul Reiser celebrates the big 5-0.
At 70, Warren Beatty is on his way to chamber pots in the bedroom just like his BFF Jack.
Celine Dion finishes up her Vegas contract this year at the age of 39.
If modern medicine were a tad more advanced, Vincent van Gogh would turn 154 today.

Interesting Fact for the day:

The last surviving American female veteran of World War I and the oldest woman military veteran will be buried today. Charlotte Winters, 109, died at a nursing home in the Boonsboro, Md. on Tuesday. At a time when American women were not permitted to vote, Winters served as a "Yeomanette" in the World War I Naval Reserve. Women were not given the right to vote until 1920. One of more than 11,000 such women stateside, Winters worked in a gun factory and as a secretary. None was allowed to remain in the military after the war ended. Winters was an 80-year member of the American Legion and one of 20 enlisted Naval Reserve women who founded one of the first Legion posts in the country, in Washington, D.C. "She could vote for post officer before she could vote as a U.S. citizen," said Legion spokeswoman Ramona Joyce.

The Late Late Late Show with George W Bush

Normally I don't have anything nice to say about George W Bush buuuut, I'd like to take this opportunity to say something nice. I don't agree with Bush's politics but I think he's a funny man....not just when he makes ridiculous oratorical mistakes, but funny in general. In fact, at last night's Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner, he made some funnies. Granted he probably didn't write them but I still think he should quit the day job to become a stand-up comedian.

Tell us, Mr. President, how have things changed since the last broadcasters' dinner? "A year ago my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my vice president had shot someone," President Bush said Wednesday night during the annual gathering. "Ah," he said, "those were the good ol' days."

In keeping with the lighthearted traditions of the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner, Bush poked fun at himself and a few others in remarks that drew laughter and applause at the Washington Hilton Hotel. Bush thanked the organization for providing dinner, "and I'd like to thank Sen. Webb for providing security." Virginia's Democratic senator, Jim Webb, had to explain this week why an aide was carrying a loaded handgun as he tried to enter a Capitol complex building.

Noting that Vice President Dick Cheney was not in attendance, Bush said: "He's had a rough few weeks. To be honest, his feelings were kind of hurt. He said he was going on vacation to Afghanistan, where people like him." Cheney's recent trip to Afghanistan was marked by a bombing near where he was meeting with officials.On the controversy over the Justice Department's firing of eight federal prosecutors, Bush said: "I have to admit we really blew the way we let those attorneys go. You know you've lost it when people sympathize with lawyers."

Looking ahead to life after leaving the White House, Bush said he might follow President Clinton's lead and produce a memoir."I'm thinking of something really fun and creative for mine," he said. "You know, maybe a pop-up book." Possible titles: "How W. Got His Groove Back," "Who Moved My Presidency?" and "Tuesdays with Cheney."But seriously, folks, Bush noted that another person missing from the audience of broadcast journalists was Sen. Barack Obama, the Illinois Democrat running for president. "Not enough press," the president cracked.

Comics from the TV show "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" provided the professional humor. Among other things, they persuaded Bush political adviser Karl Rove to participate in an improvised rap song.

The black-tie dinner, the group's 63rd annual gathering of journalists, politicians and their guests, features political and topical humor.

Lilly Tomlin Likes to Say FUCK, a lot

Holy shit. I have no idea why it took this long for this piece of video to hit the intraweb, but now that it has, I can think of one Hollywood honcho who's probably feeling a little bit embarrassed about his behavior right now.

Picture this:

Lily Tomlin is reciting some lines on the set of David O. Russell's I Heart Huckabees, and she's having some problems with the directions she's being given. She states her problem to the director and then tries to get back to work. Seems like a perfectly normal, if perhaps a bit icy piece of on-set collaboration. A few minutes later, all holy hell breaks loose.

I wish work was a little more like this. Then, I wouldn't be bored so goddamn much.

[source]

HSN? But I Usually Buy My Fake Hair at CVS...

I was watching TV the other day and Ken Paves was on some daytime show talking about his new line of Ken Press-On Hair and it was one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen. They were talking about how “real” the hair looks and how it blends “invisibly” while it obviously looked completely fake and didn’t blend at all. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able find an actual clip of this show but I did find something similar-go to about 4:50 ish to see them in hair-blending denial:

YOUR YouTube FIX: Fun TV Moments

My boyfriend and I watch Fresh Prince reruns so much that we know the lines. It's sad. Anyway, last night we came across these fun moments in TV history. Carlton dancing/singing Tom Jones are seriously the highlights of the show. Enjoy:

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Sheep and Teddy Bears and Spray Painted Goats...Oh My!

Will someone blog for me while I contact the Center for Missing and Exploited Creativity to file a report on my missing creativity and its fraternal twin Ambition? I need a vacation. In the meantime, here are some entertaining stories about crazy people and animals...you can't make this stuff up:

Tonya Marie Taylor, 24, of Bono, AR is facing a felony charge for breaking and entering, after she reached into the open window of a car and stole a 3-year-old's teddy bear faces Jonesboro police said Tuesday. Police were called to the parking lot of a video store, where the child's mother reported the theft. The woman said she was sitting with her toddler daughter when Taylor approached."(Taylor) leaned into the car and grabbed a stuffed bear from the child's arms and started walking away," the woman told police in an affidavit. The mother told officers that Taylor may not have noticed there was an adult in the car until after she leaned into the vehicle. The woman told police she confronted Taylor, who ran to a vehicle and drove away with the bear. Others near the scene identified Taylor to police. On Friday, Taylor brought the bear to the police department and had a witness with her. "(Taylor) claimed she found the bear on the parking lot and that the witness could back her up," Detective Mike Branscum wrote in an affidavit. "When police got ready to get a written statement from the witness, she refused to give one." Taylor didn't offer a reason for taking the bear. I can offer a reason though...two of them: she's either crazy or developmentally delayed (I don't use the r word but it would probably sound better here). [source]

David Watts, kept about 80 sheep in his crumbling house in Apex, a Raleigh suburb, police said. "He lives upstairs and the sheep were living downstairs," police Sgt. Robert Towell said. "He considered them pets."Watts even walked some of the sheep around the neighborhood on a leash. Lambs were apparently kept inside, while grown sheep were kept outside in debris-filled pens, said Dr. Kelli Ferris, a veterinarian who examined the sheep. Workers found sheep eating plastic bags and artificial flowers from a nearby cemetery. "We're always saddened when we see animals kept in this kind of state," Ferris said. "It could have been prevented." About 30 sheep were euthanized because of poor health, said Michael Williams, director of the Wake County Animal Care, Control and Adoption Center. "A lot of times well-intentioned people get in over their head," Lewis said. Neighbors have long complained about the sheep. "All I want is to be able to sit on my front porch and not smell sheep poop," said Angie Fowler, who lives across the street. As many as 30 healthy sheep could be available for adoption, officials said. Anyone interested? I hear some of them are housetrained and can walk on a leash. It's a new celebrity pet trend, I swear. [source]

A man broke into a barn on Thanksgiving morning, spray-painted three pet goats and scattered pages of pornographic magazines on the floor, apparently to harass the property owner, police said Tuesday. Drew Gagnon, 37, of Mahopac, was arrested the next day and was charged with burglary, criminal trespass and animal cruelty, said Lt. Brian Karst, of the Carmel police force, which covers Mahopac. The man who drove Gagnon to the barn, Douglas Bisio, 34, of Mahopac, was charged with criminal facilitation, police said. "Obviously it's not an occurrence you see every day," Karst said. "I think it was a situation where this harassment got out of hand." This week, criminal charges have been dropped against the man. Drew Gagnon, 37, was charged with burglary and animal cruelty after the November incident. Douglas Bisio, 34, who police said drove Gagnon to the barn, was charged with criminal facilitation. Gagnon and Bisio agreed Monday to give $1,000 apiece to the Putnam Humane Society in exchange for the charges being dropped, said Lisa Laquidara, the clerk at Carmel Town Court. The goats' owner, Bryce Fiero, offered to withdraw the charges in exchange for the donations, saying, "My family and I just want to put this ordeal behind us and we believe that a donation to the Humane Society would be helpful." Gagnon and Bisio also agreed to stay away from the Fiero farm, which is about 50 miles north of New York City, said their lawyer, Christopher Maher. Police said at the time that the spray-painting appeared to be part of a harassment campaign but did not elaborate. A veterinarian said the goats became sick after eating the magazine pages but all recovered. The vet, Stacey Dallas, also said the orange paint was on their genitals. I'm still trying to figure out why - does he not like goats? Was he protesting porn, goat porn, spray paint, the color orange??? Trying to start a new orange goat ball trend? Is goat graffiti gaining popularity in NY? Was he molested by a goat as a child? [source]

THINK BIG: Burger King is 2% Nicer to Chickens, 10% Nicer to Pigs

In what animal-welfare advocates are describing as a "historic advance," Burger King, the world's second-largest hamburger chain, said Tuesday that it would begin buying eggs and pork from suppliers that did not confine their animals in cages and crates.

The company said that it would also favor suppliers of chickens that use gas, or "controlled-atmospheric stunning," rather than electric shocks, to knock birds unconscious before slaughter. It is considered a more humane method, though only a few slaughterhouses use it.

The goal for the next few months, Burger King said, is for 2 percent of its eggs to be "cage-free," and for 10 percent of its pork to come from pig farms that allow sows to move around inside pens, rather than being confined to crates.

The company said those percentages would rise as more farmers shift to these methods and more competitively priced supplies become available. Basically, they'll do more of it when it becomes profitable. The world is a funny place, I tell ya.

Wayne Pacelle, president and chief executive of the Humane Society of the United States, said Burger King's initiatives put them ahead of their competitors in terms of animal welfare.

"That's an important trigger for reform throughout the entire industry," Pacelle said.
Burger King's announcement is the latest success for animal-welfare advocates.

This is certainly a step in the right direction. And, quite frankly, I'm sick of hearing about trans fats. I bore easily.

[source]

Birthday ALARM

Actress Marcia Cross (Desperate Housewives) is 45.

Movie critic Gene Shalit is 75.
Singer Anita Bryant is 67.
Singer Aretha Franklin is 65.
Musician Elton John is 60.
Actor James McDaniel (NYPD Blue) is 49.
Actress Brenda Strong (Desperate Housewives) is 47.
Actress Lisa Gay Hamilton (The Practice) is 43.
Actress Sarah Jessica Parker is 42.
Singer-guitarist Jeff Healy is 41.
Singer Katharine McPhee (American Idol) is 23.

FUN FACT: On this day in 2004, the Republic of Ireland became the first country in the world to ban smoking in all work places, including bars and restaurants.

Mood Music: Sunday Morning by K-OS

Dirt's Kiss Was Clean

Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston forgot to go to the Britney Spears & Madonna School of Kisses People Want to See before the season finale of Dirt. BOOORING. I don't care if they alluded to the fact that they "hooked up" 4 other times, I wanted to see it actually happen. It's just not fair. Even a little bit of tongue would've made my boyfriend's year. Tongue would've immediately signed the show on for another season...

Quote It

Recently rehabbed duo of Lindsay Lohan and Robbie Williams...

Hugh Hefner: Transcending Generations in His Age-Appropriate Pajamas

Hef’s main ho looked like she got herself a lil’ jelly belly just in time for his 81^st birthday extravaganza. I hope to God she doesn’t pop a mini-Hef out of that shared-vag. I mean seriously, she and Hef have a 54 year age difference but that’s not even what freaks me out. What freaks me out is that Hef would be 93 when the kid enters middle school and 99 when it graduates high school but mom would still be young enough to be a MILF. That’s like a recipe for instatherapy. Anyway, rumor has it that Hef will marry Holly. Possibly this year and probably only for ratings. I think he has to divorce the wife who lives across the street before that could even happen. Having Hef's baby is like Holly's Lifetime Achievement award. Tight clothes on the left, birthday pooch on the right. I know, I know...Playmates have periods too. Anyway, here is a fun timeline of Holly’s transformation from Hooters waitress to Hef's #1. her face went from K-Mart lingerie to Playboy sale panties in no time. Seriously, who is her surgeon?

YOUR 15 MINUTES: You know your substance abuse problem is bad when you mass market new ways to facilitate the abuse

Sick of drinking the same old alcohol and snorting the same old drugs? Here are two stories that challenged my beliefs on potential crackiness of humankind.

Flavored Meth: Makes the Battery Acid Taste Like Chocolate Battery Acid (Your Kids Will Love It - Just in Time for Easter)

Now I’ve heard of mixing Strawberry Quick with drugs (thanks Lindsay Lohan) but meth cooks cooked up a whole new idea in their little clandestine labs. They actually bake flavors (like strawberry, chocolate and soda) into the drugs. Law enforcement and some experts think flavor has been added to make the drug more appealing to children. Just like regular meth, the flavored versions can be broken up into a powder and snorted with a straw, can be smoked or can be reliquified and injected intravenously. Gross. Dr. Alex Stalcup is a nationally renowned drug counselor who has just started seeing teenage patients at the New Leaf Treatment Center who have suffered the ill effects of flavored meth. One of the patients was unaware the substance was meth at all and was told it was a solidified form of the energy drink Red Bull, Stalcup said. Um…yeah right. I don’t believe that kid for a second. Nice excuse though – QUICK thinking. In response to this story, I propose to coin a new drug term - pop rocks. Candy flavored meth is clearly pop rocks and it's so much catchier than "quick meth."

PS. I thought I had to give my passport at the pharmacy and get presidential approval for cold medicine so there wouldn’t be a meth problem in the US anymore. Oh yeah, that’s right…laws like that don’t work. They inconvenience consumers while allowing drug manufacturers and traffickers to often pursue more violent and often foreign means of maintaining the trade.

The AWOL Machine - Attacking America's Obesity Problem One Alcoholic at a Time.

Want to drink but don’t actually want to drink? There's a new low-calorie, low-carbohydrate way for adults to consume alcohol and you don't even need a glass. It's AWOL, Alcohol With Out Liquid, and for the first time, it is available in The United States after successful debuts in Europe and Asia. AWOL consists of two components: an oxygen generator and a hand-held vaporizer. Tubes from the generator attach to the vaporizer. The user chooses an 80-proof spirit, which is poured into the vaporizer. Oxygen mixes with the alcohol producing a mist which is inhaled through the mouth. Alcohol enters the bloodstream through the lungs rather than the stomach making AWOL low calorie and low carbohydrate. The resulting feeling is the same sense of well being an adult gets from consuming alcohol in the traditional manner, only milder. Once the alcohol enters the bloodstream, it affects the body in the same way as drinking alcohol. Additionally, the alcohol leaves the body in the same manner as if it had been consumed by drinking. "One of the ways alcohol leaves the body is through the mouth," Morse said. "Therefore, contrary to reports, the alcohol will definitely register on the Intoxylizer 5000, commonly called the Breathalyzer test which is used by law-enforcement officials to apprehend drivers who are under the influence of alcohol." A Single User Awol Machine - Only $299 Plus $15 Shipping.

Birthday ALARM

Actress Julia Stiles is 26.

Actress Conchata Ferrell is 64.
Actor Ken Howard is 63.
Actress Dianne Wiest is 59.
Country singer Reba McEntire is 52.
Actor Vince Vaughn is 37.
Rapper Mr. Cheeks of Lost Boyz is 36.
Actor Ken L. (The Parkers ) is 34.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1910, Henri Fabre became the first person to fly a seaplane after taking off from a water runway near Martigues, France.

Quote It

I've numbered them so you can either quote the entire collage or choose a picture.

YOUR YouTube FIX: Bloopers

Bloopers from the Anne Hathaway/Meryl Streep fashion film, from The Devil Wears Prada.

Birthday ALARM

Singer Fergie of Black Eyed Peas is 32.

Director Quentin Tarantino is 44.
Singer Mariah Carey is 37.
Drummer Brendan Hill of Blues Traveler is 37.
Actress Elizabeth Mitchell (Lost ) is 37.
Actress Emily Ann Lloyd (Something So Right ) is 24.
Actress Taylor Atelian (According to Jim ) is 12.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1932, Gandhi allegedly mocked the deaths of Bhagat Singh, Sukhdev and Rajguru.

Questionable Quotes: A Guinness and a Gore

Paul McCartney on his recent public appearances with beer heiress and former Price Charles GF Sabrina Guinness:

"I realize everyone wants to see me with a new bird right now and that's very flattering. I've known this lady for a while. We enjoy each other's company and when we get together we talk about stuff like the environment and Al Gore - things like that. We have similar views."

Al Gore? Really? She's part of a worldwide beer empire and has dated everyone from Prince Charles to Mick Jagger to Jack Nicholson. He's a former Beatle in the midst of a nasty divorce. When they get together with his fashion designing daughter they talk about Al Gore? Good for Gore. I'm an Al Gore fan so I often talk about him over a Guinness too. Except I’m drinking the Guinness not talking to her.

Quote It!

Celebrity Clone: Random Edition

A while ago, the Phoenix New Times published a ridiculous article about Anna Nicole Smith having an illegitimate Native American child. It read like a used 99 cent novel purchased from a boardwalk bookstore and while entertaining, I was Anna Nicoled out and didn’t put it on the blog. In fact, I totally forgot about it until today when I saw this picture of Gene Simmons and it reminded me of the “father” from the story Johnny Soto: Gene left, "Johnny" right. Here’s an excerpt from the wildly tall tale:

Little Marshall Soto is glued to the TV this Friday morning in his dad's modest home just outside of Sells, Arizona, capital of the Native American Tohono O'odham Nation. He's not watching cartoons or Sesame Street or some new kids' show on Nickelodeon. Instead, he's focused on the image of a white hearse approaching a Baptist church in the Bahamas. He looks up wide-eyed to his father, Johnny Soto, seated on a couch behind him. "Je'e?" the boy asks plaintively in his native tongue. Je'e means "Mother" in O'odham. "Yes, mo'okwad," the child's dad replies sadly, using his pet name for the boy, meaning "tadpole." Johnny Soto then whispers something quick in O'odham, and Marshall turns back to the television, tears filling his blue-black eyes. "I want mama je'e," he cries, as the news channel shows a mahogany coffin draped in pink, rhinestone-encrusted satin being removed from the hearse by pallbearers. "Mama je'e, is she in the box?" "Mama je'e went to heaven, mo'okwad," Soto gently informs his son. "Mama je'e watches us from the sky. Like Peanut," he says, referring to a family dog attacked and eaten by a pack of coyotes months back. "Peanut went bye-bye," the 5-year-old mutters, sniffling. "Mama je'e is with Peanut now; they're playing together on the clouds," Soto tells the light-skinned, dark-haired boy, who favors his mother a little. Johnny Soto and his son are poised to throw yet another monkey wrench into the surreal soap opera of Anna Nicole Smith's life and post mortem. According to Soto, his son is the result of a torrid love affair between himself and the 42DD femme fatale in early 2001, while Smith was vacationing at Paradise Valley's Sanctuary Resort and Spa. He has the birth certificate and other documents to prove it. If they hold up in court, and he's able to establish little Marshall's lineage through DNA, Soto, his son, and the entire Tohono O'odham tribe stand to cash in big time. Indeed, little Marshall (named for Anna's dead oil-magnate hubby) may well become one of the wealthiest trust-fund kids in history. Even though, right now, all the tyke wants is for his pretty white mother to rise from the grave and take him in her arms.

Since it’s rather long, I included some of my favorite bits:

• "She'd never slept with anyone who wasn't white before," explains Soto. "That's what she told me. She had what we call 'scarlet fever' [when an Anglo falls for a Native American man or woman]. When an Indian man goes for a white woman, it's called 'eating at the white man's trough.'" Soto couldn't resist, and there began a three-week session of lovemaking, with Soto calling in sick and finally taking all of his vacation time so he could spend it satisfying Smith's ravenous appetite for sex.
• At one point, Smith had a yen for fried chicken, so she sent her limo driver in search of a KFC. He returned with five buckets of Extra Crispy, and container after container of mashed potatoes with gravy — a fave of Smith's. (At one point, she smeared potatoes and gravy all over Soto's privates and licked them off.)
• "She'd call my you-know-what her 'tomahawk,' her 'wooden Indian,' or 'big wampum.'
• Sometimes she'd ask me to do a war dance naked with this feather from one of her dresses stuck in my baseball cap. I tried to tell her that the Tohono O'odham don't wear feathers, but she didn't care. She thought it was funny, and it turned her on, so I did it, though I have no idea if our people even have a war dance."
• The only whites I'd ever had sex with were prostitutes, and I couldn't get enough of Anna Nicole. I fell under her spell. I did whatever she asked."
• Smith promised that they would one day marry and live as a family, and Soto has numerous hand-written notes and letters from Smith stating those intentions. One reads, "Oh, my brave Injun-man, how I long to be with you and feel your red manhood. Look after my little paapoosie [sic], and soon I'll be your squaw again. I love you, kemosabe, Anna."
• "She called me all these names. 'Basket weaver,' and, the worst, 'Indian giver,' because I had taken Marshall from her.
• She also tried to get me to fuck her again, in the Casino restroom while Marshall played with his toy. By this time she was so fat, she could barely fit in the stall. Ultimately, I couldn't go through with it. She kept saying she wanted me to use my 'bow and arrow' on her 'ax wound.' I told her that was no ax wound, it was the Grand Canyon!

Anorexia Chronicles: Is Allegra Back At It?

It’s no secret that Allegra Beck, heiress to a majority of the Versace fortune/company, has struggled with anorexia for some time. The camera shy-diva was always looking stick-thin in her teen years. In the recent Harper’s Bazaar spread featuring the mother-daughter duo of Donatella and Allegra (almost 21), everything seemed perfect in Versaceland. Allegra has been taking time off from Brown University to study acting, French, and art history at UCLA. She attends classes five days a week, stays updated on the family business and only goes to nightclubs occasionally. Her group of close friends doesn’t include lots of celebrities and she spends most of her weekends studying or riding her bike on the beach. She visits her mom and younger brother in Italy once a month. Oh and I must add that she's been looking rather anti-ana:Unfortunately, Women’s Day is reporting that Allegra is back down to a superskinny 70 pounds and has been forced to undergo treatment in a medical and psychiatric facility. Insiders say the 20-year-old's condition is so dire she's under 24-hour supervision and must be fed through a naso-gastric tube. So Sad! Part of me doesn't believe it. She's been looking SOOO good lately. Here are some old pics vs. new pics comparisons. Seriously, the clavicles on the right are perfection.

Anna Nicole Smith Update

A month and a half after Anna's sudden death, the first round of drama appears to be coming to a close. Dannielynn got her DNA test last week. The DNA was sent to a lab in Ohio and results should be available any day now. Also, today is the day Dr. Pepper is releasing his findings from the autopsy. Speculation says Anna had a severe blood infection from a dirty needle used for an injection in her buttocks, she caught norovirus during the trip and then took too much Chloral Hydrate (sleeping medication) the night before her death. If one didn't kill her, the others did. We'll know more around 10:30am ET today. You can watch the live announcement here.

Manner of Death: Accidental
Cause of Death: Combined drug toxicity (she had therapeutic levels of anxiety/depression drugs in her system, when the sleeping medication (chloral hydrate) was added, it became toxic). Viral and bacterial infections also contributed to her death.

"We found nothing to indicate any foul play," said Chief Charlie Tiger of the Seminole police department. Dr. Pepper also said that Chloral Hydrate tastes nasty and cannot be slipped into someone's drink. He also said that there was not much chloral hydrate missing from the bottle. Howard K Stern did not murder Anna. There you have it folks - Accidental OD - this is why I like innocent until proven guilty.

Cause of death down - DNA results, Daniel's inquest and inheritance to go...

Actress Keira Knightley (Pirates of the Caribbean) is 22.

Actor Leonard Nimoy is 76.
Actor James Caan is 67.
Singer Diana Ross is 63.
Singer Steven Tyler of Aerosmith is 59.
Singer-actress Vicki Lawrence is 58.
Singer Teddy Pendergrass is 57.
Actor Martin Short is 57.
Talk show host Leeza Gibbons is 50.
Actress Jennifer Grey is 47.
Actor Michael Imperioli (The Sopranos) is 41.
Guitarist James Iha (Smashing Pumpkins) is 39.
Country singer Kenny Chesney is 39.
Actor T.R. Knight (Grey's Anatomy) is 34.
Rapper Juvenile is 32.
Actress Amy Smart (Felicity) is 31.
Rapper J-Kwon is 21.

NOT-SO-FUN FACT: On this day in 1999, a jury in Michigan finds Dr. Jack Kevorkian guilty of second-degree murder for administering a lethal injection to a terminally ill man.

One Crinkled Comeback Blind Vice

Deartha Death has always been one of my fave H-town fixtures. She's so nasty. She's so raunchy. She's so...watchable! And she knows it, too. That's why D2 has staged yet another "comeback," of sorts. Thing is, I've never really understood quite what it is D.D. went away from. Her talent has always been so, uh, hard to define. I mean, really, her best achievement, as far as I'm concerned, has been Deartha-dear's ability to keep us wondering just what the eff she's gonna pull next. Which is what this item is about. As she's done so many times before, D.D.'s gone to great lengths to set up a series of publicity interviews and photo sessions round her latest dubious creative endeavor. And, per usual, sundry journalistic entities bit.

Including Totally Inside publication, which had set up an expensive shoot around said project. But, quelle surprise, Ms. D. called up and canceled, saying she had a tummy ache or some lame excuse, all last minute, 'course. Death was simply expecting the mag to call back and reskedge, as Deartha's forced upon many an outlet before (and will no doubt do again). However, Totally's editor had heard through the proverbial e-grapevine that Deartha was, once again, too high to function—the real reason why she had called off the shoot. So, the media honcho called up Death directly. "Look," the editor fumed across the receiver, "I'm not a 12-stepper. I have no problem with you getting high. But you better get something straight," the exec type practically blazed before she went in for the chicly suited kill:

"You cancel on me again like that, we're pulling this shoot so fast, you won't know what hit you—faster than those stupid animals of yours pee everywhere." Oh, did I forget to tell you D.D. is a big four-footed fan? And Deartha is now cooperating with all press requests. Fully (if not a tad wobbly). It ain't: It might be: Paris or Nicole? Britney? I think Lindsay just bought some post-rehab dogs. Nicole and Lindsay definitely do the "I'm too sick" bit. Could it be someone older?

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Babies For Sale

A Texas legislator has proposed that pregnant women considering abortion be offered $500 not to end their pregnancies. Republican State Sen. Dan Patrick, who also is a conservative radio talk show host, said Friday the money might persuade the women to go ahead and have babies, then give them up for adoption. He said during a legislative conference in New Braunfels, 45 miles south of Austin, there were 75,000 abortions in Texas last year. "If this incentive would give pause and change the mind of 5 percent of those women, that's 3,000 lives. That's almost as many people as we've lost in Iraq," Patrick said. I'm going to pretend I didn't just read that argument. Patrick has filed legislation to make the payment state law, but the legislature has not voted on it. His proposal calls for giving any woman going to an abortion clinic the $500 option, to be paid no more than 30 days after the baby is born and given up for adoption. Critics say the proposal would violate Texas and federal laws against buying babies, which Patrick rejected as "the typical ridiculous criticism." Heather Paffe, political director of Planned Parenthood of Texas, said Patrick's proposal "is very cynical and insulting to women and their families." "It's insulting to think women would make that kind of decision so easily," she said. [source]

Texas lawmaking at its finest. Where do they find these people and more importantly, how are they actually elected? This idea is as useful as a glass hammer. It's like a plasma-selling incentive on steroids. You know there's a whole trailer park full of women who would pop a baby out every 9 months and spend the $500 on a fake Louis Vuitton bag, a few crack rocks and a plastic bottle of vodka. Unless someone wants to sell me their healthy baby for $500, I think this is one of the worst ideas in the entire history of bad ideas.

Marcia Marcia Marcia

Maureen McCormick, the actress who played the sickeningly-perfect Marcia Brady is making her pop culture comeback via Celebrity Fit Club. Here are some things you might not know about this Brady babe:

• She’s now 50 years old!!
• Before CFC she weighed in at 150lbs and is only 5’3”
• She’s battled bulimia for 10 years
• She was addicted to cocaine for 6 years
• She’s now married and has a 17 year old daughter
• She once admitted she had a crush on fellow The Brady Bunch co-star Eve Plumb (Jan) during an interview. She said, "We had really good times together" and then admitted to kissing her.
• Post-CFC she says she feels happier, likes to walk around naked and the sex is much, much better.

A very Brady bad girl. I love her.

QUOTE IT

Who Cares? Anna Chlumsky's Return to Acting

Anna Chlumsky of My Girl and My Girl 2 fame is all grown up now and will be starring in a CW comedy pilot entitled Eight Days A Week. The show will follow four women in their twenties who are assistants to successful top New York Executives. Hmm. I think I saw a movie the other day that was similiar...yah... The Devil Wears Prada.

I can't find a clip from My Girl, but I did find some Spanish montage from the film. I don't know. I guess it's just as good.

[source]

Stockarazzi

Britney Spears is out of rehab and recovering in her Malibu home. Parked neatly across the street is a convoy of SUVs filled with paparazzi, waiting to catch that first bald-headed glimpse of the clean and sober pop princess.

Damn paparazzi.

They all need a good ride on the bologna pony.

[source]

Let's All Move to South Carolina!!

South Carolina wrote discrimination into their constitution Thursday, as l