Showing posts with label Crazy Christians. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crazy Christians. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Jesus Scared Him Straight

Remember not too long ago when Evangelical Church leader Ted Haggard was caught with a male prostitute and methamphetamine? Well apparently he went to weekend anti-gay boot camp over the holidays and he's straight now. His gay disease has been cured. He rubbed the magic Bible and was granted three wishes: he used the first to get the taste of dick out of his mouth, the second to turn him straight and the last for a lifetime supply of hair product. His wife decided to stick with him and they're going to move out of state so he can find some fresh gay ass and start over. Horray! Appletinis for everyone!

The prostitute who first exposed Evangelical minister Ted Haggard as a closeted gay man and crystal meth user has responded to Haggard's claim that he has successfully completed three weeks of "ex-gay" counseling. In response to Haggard's statement, Jones giggled and responded "Well, that's the quickest therapy I've ever heard of. It's hard for me to imagine someone who is performing oral sex and saying that he is 'straight.' That just doesn't jive." If you were to ask me 'Do I think is Ted haggard gay?' I would have to say 'yes'," he added [source thanks Dave].

Look people, I have a doctorate in gay men and a masters degree in gay Christian men who try to turn straight – and this is a big flaming bible of bullshit. Straight men don’t do anything sexual with other men, especially gay hookers. Gay men like to have sex with other men, hookers or not. Considering he was married to a woman and was entertaining a male hooker in the bedroom, he fits the bisexual bill – (n.) a tendency to direct sexual desire toward both sexes. Do I think a guy with a predilection to have sex with guys and girls can learn enjoy his heterosexual side? Sure. Do I think you can become ungay in three weeks? No way. You can’t even Betty Ford your way off drugs in three weeks. Sometimes I don’t go tanning for a few weeks but that doesn’t make me any less of a tanorexic.

Friday, February 02, 2007

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Soy Makes You Gay

The beauty of the internet is that you can find articles on just about every crazy topic known to mankind. The other beauty is that there are really no internet-wide vetting standards for articles so even the most extreme of the extreme authors can now be "published." While reading about soy, I stumbled upon this great right-winger article about how soy is turning kids gay. The uneducated-hillbilly-homophobic-right winger-extremists from my hometown would chew this article up and spit it it back out as a double-blind, decade-long research study done by three leading pharmaceutical companies and Jesus. Here's the enlightening column from WorldNetDaliy, a conservative online 'news' site- enjoy:

There's a slow poison out there that's severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture. The ironic part is, it's a "health food," one of our most popular. Now, I'm a health-food guy, a fanatic who seldom allows anything into his kitchen unless it's organic. I state my bias here just so you'll know I'm not anti-health food. The dangerous food I'm speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore. I have nothing against an occasional soy snack. Soy is nutritious and contains lots of good things. Unfortunately, when you eat or drink a lot of soy stuff, you're also getting substantial quantities of estrogens. Estrogens are female hormones. If you're a woman, you're flooding your system with a substance it can't handle in surplus. If you're a man, you're suppressing your masculinity and stimulating your "female side," physically and mentally.

In fetal development, the default is being female. All humans (even in old age) tend toward femininity. The main thing that keeps men from diverging into the female pattern is testosterone, and testosterone is suppressed by an excess of estrogen. If you're a grownup, you're already developed, and you're able to fight off some of the damaging effects of soy. Babies aren't so fortunate. Research is now showing that when you feed your baby soy formula, you're giving him or her the equivalent of five birth control pills a day. A baby's endocrine system just can't cope with that kind of massive assault, so some damage is inevitable. At the extreme, the damage can be fatal. Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them.Doctors used to hope soy would reduce hot flashes, prevent cancer and heart disease, and save millions in the Third World from starvation. That was before they knew much about long-term soy use. Now we know it's a classic example of a cure that's worse than the disease. For example, if your baby gets colic from cow's milk, do you switch him to soy milk? Don't even think about it. His phytoestrogen level will jump to 20 times normal. If he is a she, brace yourself for watching her reach menarche as young as seven, robbing her of years of childhood. If he is a boy, it's far worse: He may not reach puberty till much later than normal.

Research in 2000 showed that a soy-based diet at any age can lead to a weak thyroid, which commonly produces heart problems and excess fat. Could this explain the dramatic increase in obesity today? Recent research on rats shows testicular atrophy, infertility and uterus hypertrophy (enlargement). This helps explain the infertility epidemic and the sudden growth in fertility clinics. But alas, by the time a soy-damaged infant has grown to adulthood and wants to marry, it's too late to get fixed by a fertility clinic. Worse, there's now scientific evidence that estrogen ingredients in soy products may be boosting the rapidly rising incidence of leukemia in children. In the latest year we have numbers for, new cases in the U.S. jumped 27 percent. In one year! There's also a serious connection between soy and cancer in adults – especially breast cancer. That's why the governments of Israel, the UK, France and New Zealand are already cracking down hard on soy. In sad contrast, 60 percent of the refined foods in U.S. supermarkets now contain soy. Worse, soy use may double in the next few years because (last I heard) the out-of-touch medicrats in the FDA hierarchy are considering allowing manufacturers of cereal, energy bars, fake milk, fake yogurt, etc., to claim that "soy prevents cancer." It doesn't.

P.S.: Soy sauce is fine. Unlike soy milk, it's perfectly safe because it's fermented, which changes its molecular structure. Miso, natto and tempeh are also OK, but avoid tofu. James Rutz is chairman of Megashift Ministries and founder-chairman of Open Church Ministries. [source - thanks Josh]

The guy isn't even a Christian doctor who had bad experiences with soy, he's just a columnist who runs a Ministry.

Fun, huh? I don't understand why Dino and my boyfriend aren't gay boyfriends because I don't know two people who consume more soy. I almost wish this was a 100% proven medical fact because I really want a gay son. I would totally inject myself with big vials of soy so I would birth a giant flaming drag queen. Now on a semi-serious note my mother recently lost her long battle with breast cancer - based on our research and her doctors comments, they don't necessarily think that soy directly causes cancer, malaria, genital warts or homosexuality but they do suggest women who have had breast cancer refrain from consuming soy because of its effects on estrogen. Unfortunately it's more scientific than "soy contains estrogen therefore it causes cancer, turns boys into girls or makes boys suddenly want to start giving blow jobs on floats at gay pride parades." Jesus did not work in a lab. People need to realize that science and the Bible generally don't hang out in the same circles. While I'd like this to be my science blog, it's my entertainment blog and people will revolt if I start talking science. I've tried it before.