Decision 2007: The Bahama Burial

It's a sad day for estranged money-hungry white trash moms everywhere:

Justices Barry Stone, Mark Polen and George Shahood of the Fourth District Court of Appeals in Florida decided to uphold Judge Crazy McCrybaby's decision giving custody of the body of Anna Nicole Smith to baby Dannielynn's court-appointed advocate, Richard Milstein. Anna's body is taking one last trip to the Bahamas to be buried next to her son so they can enjoy the never-ending Spring Break in the sky. Hopefully Vergie the Hutt will refrain from actualizing her threat to take the case to the FL Supreme Court. Legally, I'm not sure if she's able. I'm seriously over this aspect of the story. Just bury her so she has a grave to roll over in while the legal drama continues. A funeral is planned for Friday at 10:30am.

Young, Dumb, and Full of ... SHIT

In what many considered to be a GOOD PR week for lesbians across the country - in light of Ellen's brilliant job as host of the 79th Annuay Academy Awards - Rosie O'Donnell reminds America why 1) lesbians are hard to get along with and 2) Hasselbeck is a fucking retard. (please excuse my non-PC behavior)

On today's edition of the crack-like ABC gabfest, Rosie O'Donnell got Elisabeth Hasselbeck's conservative knickers into a big twist when Ro argued with her usual vehemence against the Patriot Act, concluding by hitting Liz with the ageist remark, "You're very young, and you're very wrong," (E is 30, Ro is 45). This, of course, just wound Elisabeth right up, prompting a strange pointy hand-dance of rage.

Rosie then really stuck it to Elisabeth, suggesting that resorting to ageism is the only way she can bottle her Hulk-like rage to sit at the same table with someone with whom she disagrees "so abhorrently."

[source]

Quote It!

She Got Out Just in Time...

John Travolta on Anna Nicole : 'It's so sad. We could have helped her with Narconon but didn't get a chance to. I wish we had.' [source]Yes, that's exactly what she needed - a $120,000+ drug-rehabilitation program based on zero scientific research and "The Fundamentals of Thought" by L. Ron Hubbard. The same man who fundamentally thought Xenu was an alien dictator from the Galactic Confederacy who, 75 million years ago, paralyzed billions of people, threw them into a spacecraft, stacked them around various volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs....their wandering souls supposedly still having a negative impact on the world. Sorry, Anna Nicole needed more than an overpriced trip to the sauna and some vitamins. I mean seriously, didn't she already have enough worthless, money suckers in her life?

Paris Can't Drive

In order to take the limelight off Anna Nicole's body and Britney Spears' bald headed breakdown, Paris Hilton decided to violate probation last night. After her September 7th DUI, a judge placed her on 36 months probation and suspended her drivers license. A suspended drivers license means no driving. Not even a really quick trip to the Virgin Megastore in West Hollywood to pick up some DVDs. Police noticed Paris speeding down Sunset Blvd. with her headlights off around 10:30pm so they pulled her over. When they realized she was driving without a license, they impounded her $200,000 Bentley.Elliot Mintz comes out swinging punches of pure excuses: she was exiting the parking structure which "is brightly lit so she had not noticed that her headlights were not activated." Well what about the suspended license: "If that was the case, she was not aware of it." How can you not be aware of the terms of your probation? She might be looking at a new kind of term -- up to 90 days in jail.

Inside Anna Nicole's Diaries

LRM, a faithful Celebrity Hijinx reader, just pointed me in the direction of NY Post gossip columnist Cindy Adams. Ms. Adams wrote a little piece on Anna Nicole with some interesting family and personal information. Here are some excerpts:I have just seen Anna Nicole Smith's diaries. I held them in my hands. They encompass 1992-1994. One simple in expensive booklet said: "Vickie Smith, Do Not Read." One was a purse-size spiral notebook with blue-lined pages. One was inscribed "Guess Jeans."I leafed through a brown leatherette book stamped "Business Cards" that held her Vickie Lynn Smith driver's license in Texas. I rifled through canceled checks and receipts, like for a Bloomingdale's $16,954.66 Chanel watch. Hubby Howie Marshall was no cheapo. It shows her drug life as a kid. Her doing pills as a kid. She was sure close with Virgie Arthur in those days, and mama was not what you'd call one of the all-time best role models in captivity. We're talking heavy-duty partying together. Drinking together. Her mother's phone numbers are scribbled in pencil inside the back flap of one book. With her handwriting misspellings - "namonia" for "pneumonia," "emigrant" for "immigrant," "nos" for "knows" - the diaries tell her feelings about sex, and who was her best lover. They reveal Anna's thoughts about her many vices - men, alcohol, sleeping pills, psychiatric medication. And in Operation Dèjà Vu, they address the subject of how many men could have been the father of her pregnancy scare while she was Mrs. Howard Marshall. At one point she writes of husband Howard Marshall: "I love him so much." At another it's: "I need some support, and I just don't have any. But I have Jesus."

The pages, actual photocopies of her handwritten diary, will make her sister Donna Hogan's upcoming tell-all "Train Wreck." Five of them. The cache is very telling. In the old-fashioned days of news reporting, they'd call it hot stuff. As we speak, an offshore gambling site, The Golden Palace, has paid $100,000 for a 5 percent interest in what's now being called The Lost Diaries.

And while we're on Follow the Money: Anyone wonder who's footing mama Virgie's bills? Mama Virgie can't even spring for her own bar tabs, so how's she flying to Florida and staying over and the Bahamas and staying over and packing along $500-an-hour attorneys who eat three meals a day? That whole cast of characters fighting for her bones and her kid and her money, none - without Anna - have a buck and a half to rub together. It's look to the media, kiddies. Everybody's doing this on the come. It's sell a book, sell photos, sell secrets. A British news agency is footing Virgie's bills. The agency is also bidding on The Lost Diaries. Everybody will now make a buck off Anna. Why should it just be Howard K. Stern?

Even an old boyfriend - and there's plenty of those - crept out of the woodwork to claim Anna died of lupus. "Entertainment Tonight" is following that little nugget with the world's foremost specialist in that disease, Dr. Robert Lahita. And why must the players in this drama all have three names - Anna Nicole Smith, Howard K. Stern, Dr. Robert . . . Anyway, with deep pockets behind Virgie's lawyers, look for her to continue the fight - in the Bahamas - to get control of the body of that daughter with whom she drank.

What's in That There Orange Juice

Reason #3291 Anna Nicole's estranged family shouldn't bury her in Texas. I present to you: an old clip of Anna's toothless cousin Shelly Cloud. Remember her from the Anna Nicole show? She's one classy bitch.

Shelly has been making trips to and fro the Bahamas with Vergie the Hutt. I wonder if the tabs will buy her a set of teeth to go with those plane tickets... Anyway, it looks like Shelly has been laying off the heroinmethamphetamine-tinis because cracker gained some weight. That's her in the black and pink. PS. can someone please tell me where people find clothes like this:

Questionable Quotes: Hypocrite Edition

Out of Madonna's mouth: "My daughter is going through a phase of wearing jeans so tight she can't bend her knees in them. I have a go at her and say, 'Can't you wear something else? You have a closet full of clothes and you wear the same pants every day . . . And please wear a belt because I don't want to see your butt crack when you bend over.' " I wonder how she'd feel about Lordes making out with Britney Spears. Pot, come here for a second. Let me introduce you to kettle...

Deja Vu: The Fight Over Anna Nicole's Body is Back On!

Seriously guys, I'm unhealthily obsessed with this saga.

Here's the quick update: Anna's estranged mom from Texas, Vergie the Hutt, decided to appeal Judge Crazy Man's decision to give Anna's remains to some lawyer who decided to bury her in the Bahamas. Of course this happened after Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead and everyone else in the history of the world fiiiiiiiiiiiinally agreed on something: that Anna Nicole should be buried next to Daniel in the Bahamas. Larry and Howard were even finishing each other's sentences in a press conference. I think there was world peace for a second. In the meantime, while her daughter's body is decomposing in a morgue, Vergie decided to give one last ditch effort to get that money tree she thinks will grow out of Anna's grave. The case is being heard as I type. Watch it live here.

Birthday ALARM

Actress Bernadette Peters is 59.

Actress Kelly Bishop (Gilmore Girls ) is 63.
Actress Stephanie Beacham (Beverly Hills, 90210) is 60.
Actress Mercedes Ruehl is 59.
Comedian Gilbert Gottfried is 52.
Actor John Turturro is 50.
Singer Cindy Wilson of The B-52's is 50.
Actress Rae Dawn Chong is 46.
Actor Robert Sean Leonard is 38.
Singer Pat Monahan of Train is 38.
Actor Bobb'e J. Thompson (The Tracy Morgan Show) is 11.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1993 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agents raided the Branch Davidian church in Waco, Texas with a warrant to arrest the group's leader David Koresh. Four BATF agents and five Davidians died in the initial raid, starting a 51-day standoff.

Couture du Jour: Move Over Carrie Bradshaw, There's A New Writer in Town

Mary Kate Olsen simultaneously wasted 2 minutes of my life and displayed her reason for dropping out of college via the NY Times this past weekend. Apparently someone at the NY Times thought a former child star who dresses like a bag lady and was educated by an on-set tutor would make a fabulous fashion writer. Without further ado, here is that writer:

Timeless
Brand Loyalty

By MARY-KATE OLSEN

I have a large, red quilted Chanel bag that I borrowed from my sister Ashley. I wore it to an event and never gave it back. Luckily, she's moved on to another bag, so I'm safe for now. I'm not quite sure how many bags I have, but let's just say I have a few. When I find a bag I like, I tend to wear it to death until I become obsessed with another one. This probably happens three to five times a year. But I always come back to the Chanel. The size isn't overwhelming, and it has enough subtle detail to keep it interesting. I also have the smaller version in blue and in white, but the red is definitely my favorite. I don't have a stylist — I'd rather just do my own thing and put together my own outfits. The chain-handle bag is the perfect accent to almost any combination I come up with. I look at everything with a designer's eye, but I wouldn't change a thing about this bag. I think that's why it's a true classic. [source]

Easy folks, this is the edited version. Before Ashley’s late-night proofreading it looked like this:

I’m Mary Kate Olsen and I took a red Chanel bag from my sister’s closet. Her name is Ashley Olsen. We're twins. Not identical ones. It’s a pretty bag. It matches the soles of all my Christian Louboutin shoes. My sister’s closet is big. The bag is red. It’s not very big. My sister has a smaller version. It’s mine now because I also stole it off her when she was out at a club one night. We’re not old enough to legally drink yet. But we do anyway. I don’t have a stylist. The bag is pretty. I have lots of money for bags.

Drastic Plastic: OMG Becky, Look At Her Face

I mentioned this once before but I think we've reached an alarming new level: Jenna Jameson's fake EVERYTHING is turning her into the most desperate housewife of the 'real' ones from the OC, Lauri Waring. Does anyone watch that show? Can you back me up here? Lauri's close-ups from that trip to Europe with her new sugardaddy are frightening - Wildenstein territory minus the x-treme cat accents. Not too long ago, Jenna Jameson broke up with her husband Jay Grdina. In their divorce settlement, he walked away with her face and she kept a vowel from his last name. FASHION ALERT: Jenna showed up at some Oscar party (with her x-treme fighter boyfriend Tito) dressed for the SAG Awards. Look!!! Her boob his head's long, lost twin. I'm sorry. I'm done now.

Celebrity Clone: Inspiration Edition

Celebrity Hijinx has uncovered Edvard Munch's inspiration for The Cry (or the Scream... whichever you expressionism aficionados prefer).

Birthday ALARM

Singer Chilli of TLC is 36.

Actress Joanne Woodward is 77.
Actress Elizabeth Taylor is 75.
Actress Barbara Babcock is 70.
Actor Adam Baldwin is 45.
Singer Johnny Van Zant of Lynyrd Skynyrd is 47.
Actor Grant Show (Melrose Place) is 45.
Keyboardist Jeremy Dean of Nine Days is 35.
R&B singer Roderick Clark (Hi-Five) is 34.
Singer Josh Groban is 26.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1827, the first Mardi Gras was celebrated in New Orleans, Louisiana.

Birthday ALARM

Singer Erykah Badu is 36.

Singer Fats Domino is 79.
Guitarist Paul Cotton of Poco is 64.
Actor-director Bill Duke is 64.

Singer Mitch Ryder is 62.
Keyboardist Jonathan Cain of Journey is 57.
Singer Michael Bolton is 54.
Actor Greg Germann (Ally McBeal) is 49.
Actress Jennifer Grant is 41.
R&B singer Rico Wade of Society of Soul is 35.
Singer Kyle Norman of Jagged Edge is 32.
Singer Corinne Bailey Rae is 28.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1919, an act of the U.S. Congress established most of the Grand Canyon as a United States National Park.

Questionable Quotes: Oscar Edition

Ellen on Oscar diversity: "Such diversity in the room in a year when there's been so many negative things said about peoples' race, religion, sexual orientation. ...and I want to put this out there: if there weren't blacks, jews and gays, there would be no Oscars. Or anyone named Oscar when you think about that."

I guess this totally works if all of the Asians are gay (gaysians - I love that word) and all of the white-ish people are Jews. Where do we put the spanish-speaking people? Since they're all light brown I guess we can group them with the gaysians. Penny Cruz would do just fine. Seriously though, I heart diversity.

TV Time: To Catch A Predator

I don't necessarily agree with the tactics of MSNBC's "To Catch A Predator" but I sure love watching it... I think this is the best clip ever...

"so what part of the Bible tells you to say all this kind of stuff here in the chat: i'd love to suck BEEP play BEEP suck BEEP nipples BEEP." "Is that in the old testament or the new one.."

TV Time: Dirt

Ever want to see Courteney Cox have sex? Well just tune into her new show, Dirt, on FX. Seriously this show is like the soft core porn I used to secretly watch on Cinemax when I was young. ...only strangely it's on a Fox Network before midnight on a weekday. Guess the FCC is still too busy suing people over that stupid Janet Jackson boob thing... Anyway, Courteney is a hot momma and she proved to me that she’s way more than just Monica. Seriously, I abuse my DVR during this show. Rewind. Rewind.

Mood Music: Rehab

Some creative little person with a lot of time on their hands took Amy Wineho...er...Cokenose's song "rehab" and then made a video using clips of Britney Spears. This is the soundtrack to Britney's game of musical chairs: rehab edition.

Couture du Jour: Frankly. No, It Doesn't Feel Good To Payless.

After Payless ShoeSource’s failed attempt at making the brand popular, stylish and contemporary by hiring Star Jones as a spokesperson, they’re back for more. Acting on Patricia Field’s ability to make ugly clothing and accessories popular, they’ve decided to bring the fashion designer/stylist on board to revamp the company’s image. Patricia will be wearing Payless shoes on tonight’s red carpet. So basically if she wins the Best Costume DesignOscar for The Devil Wears Prada, she’ll accept it in a custom pair of Payless Shoes. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think? The catch is – the shoes are designed by her specifically for tonight which is a lot different than walking into a Payless and picking out your favorite $9.99 huaraches to go with your gown. Technically, her Payless on the Red Carpet shoes don’t count. This time, Payless plans to revamp their image by introducing designer footwear collections for the masses a la Isaac Mizrahi for Target. My advice to them is to change their name. There isn’t one ounce of fabulousness in Payless. To me, buying designer shoes at Payless is as appealing as buying toothpaste out of the trunk of an 87 Honda from a Mexican guy with a grill and a neck tattoo.

Couture du Jour: The Versace Women

Donatella Versace and her 20 year-old daughter Allegra (who owns a majority of the Versace company) sat down for a rare joint interview for March’s Harper’s Bazzar.

Surprising stuff: Allegra is quite down-to-earth! She’s taking time off from Brown University to study acting, French, and art history at UCLA. She attends classes five days a week, stays updated on the family business and only goes to nightclubs occasionally. Her group of close friends doesn’t include lots of celebrities. She spends most of her weekends studying or riding her bike on the beach. She visits her mom and younger brother in Italy once a month. She says "Oddly enough, I've found it easier to go to school here in L.A. It's less distracting. If I'm doing something, I tend to do it in a concentrated way."

Here’s some of the stuff I expected: Donatella frowns on Allegra driving, so she uses a driver. "Why should she have to park?" balks Donatella. "Who wants to deal with that?" Allegra offered a little tidbit on her mom: “I have to see movies first to scout them for her. She hates to sit still for two hours without smoking.” We’ll see what other little secrets come out in the full article… [source]

Celebrity Smoke: Weed Week

An extraordinary number of female celebrities were photographed smoking joints this week. Four to be exact. Mischa Barton and Paris Hilton were both spotted smoking in cars while Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore lit up at the beach. Spring trends in drugs: Rehab is in. Weed is now the new coke.

The 55 Year-Old Virgin (seriously, she admitted it)

Suze Orman has a big bank full of money and a life partner named Kathy. My gaydar completely failed me on this one. She tells tomorrow's New York Times Magazine that she hopes to tie the knot with Kathy to ensure she has spousal rights over Orman's $25 million fortune. "It's killing me that upon my death, K.T. is going to lose 50 percent of everything I have to estate taxes. Or vice versa." Go Suze...fight for those rights! Finally, a gay story that's positive and full of love. Rich, middle-aged, lesbian love. [source]

SUCKS TO BE YOU: They Sued Her Again!

Because $50 million wasn't exorbitant enough, the parents of Awatef Aboudihaj (the person killed by Brandy's unfortunate rear-ending) have filed an additional lawsuit on behalf of her two sons. The suits says her two sons, Mrwan Mohamed, 14, and Kareem Mohamed, 10, will be forever harmed by the loss of their mother. Damages will be determined at trial. Awatef Aboudihaj's parents, Aboudihaj Ahmed and Labridi Zohra, who reside in Morocco, are also asking for $50 million claiming Brandy was driving recklessly. These people must think their daughter was hit by the US Lottery.

By now everyone knows how I feel about lawsuits like this. Brandy was driving about 65 mph on a highway and hit the back of the car. She was not under the influence of drugs, alcohol or a cell phone. I'm forever harmed by the loss of my mother but I'm not running around suing people. Let me remind you that $50 million is like ½ a Britney Spears. There’s no way Brandy has that money and there’s no way her insurance company is going to shell it out for her.

Harry Potter and the One-Eyed Wizard

This probably isn't real since I heard he wasn't naked in the shoot. He was probably wearing a pair of VS low rise thongs. How else could you show that much trail? Anyway, I'm not one to pass up a pic of a peeps so here it is... According to this, Harry Potter wears a turtleneck.... click on the picture to see the Harry Peter in its glory.

Thanks to Sara for her role to this post and stay tuned for her dramatic entrance as Celebrity Hijinx's newest addition.

Two Cheeky Chicky Blind Vices

Being a child star is tough, right? Fame at a tender age equals big bucks along with big trouble for most...certainly did for Crystal Chipper, who shot to stardom during a stint in H-town way back when. Now, years later, Crystal’s outta rehab and swearing up and down to myriad media outlets that she’s recovered from that par-tick nasty drug addiction. Too bad she replaced it with another. 'Cause at a recent late-night Hell-Ay party, C.C. was seen inhaling lines of blow like my cat Butch sniffs out his sister Cleo’s bum. Hey, C., you can’t claim “clean and sober” unless you’re off all substances...not just the one you went to rehab for, or didn’t your stylists (both for life and couture) tell you that?

With ears far more perked to what her peeps tell her to do would be Bore-Tense Breathy, costar of that teen-angst series From Here to the Fraternity. See, unbeknownst to her increasingly sizable (hardly impressionable) young fans, Bore-Tense prefers to keep her cooing voice, kisses and cuddles aimed toward other femmes, hardly the boys. At least, behind the camera. And Ms. Breathy’s been getting pretty ballsy, too, ‘bout makin’ it plain she doesn’t like the dude dance, as B.T.B.’s been bringing her g-f to pro events. This unusually upfront approach—well, not perhaps, for dames like Ellen and Portia—has sent Breathy’s agents and management team reeling. Consequently, they demanded Bore-babe break up with her intended. And guess what? She did. Now, Bore-Tense dates boys, ain’t it grand? Predictably pathetic is more like it. (Of course, Anne Heche wouldn’t agree.) It ain't:Crystal Chipper = Jodie Sweetin aka Methanie Tanner from Full House. Second guess is MK Olsen but the 'recovered from that par-tick nasty drug addiction" unless drug addiction is code for "eating disorder."

Bore-Tense Breathy = ??? Can someone help me out here? I don't watch teen angst-ish stuff much.

Candyman

Xtina's Candyman video is here. It's fun, but can she give the whole red lipstick-retro outfit-wearing thing she's been obsessed with a rest already?

The only thing I could think about while I was watching, aside from the outfit, was that just a few years back, Britney and Xtina were rivaling pop divas. Life Lesson: Time can do a number on us all.

This bitch looks good in pink, though.

In Other-Than-Anna-Nicole-News...

A sad update on the recent Detroit hate attack we brought you earlier this week as a Think Big piece:

Andrew Anthos, the 72-year-old Detroit man we reported on Wednesday was brutally beaten with a pipe outside his apartment after a stranger approached him on a bus and asked him if he was gay, now clings to life in a coma and is not expected to live through the weekend, according to the Detroit News.

The beating left Anthos paralyzed from the neck down and unable to speak above a whisper. Doctors reportedly performed emergency spinal surgery but were not able to reverse the paralysis. His niece, Athena Fedenis, 45, told the paper that Anthos is gay: "There's nothing else they can do but keep him comfortable. He wasn't robbed. It strictly was a hate crime. This monster gave Andrew a slow, painful death...Our family is just sick. We can't understand why someone would do something like this."

The only lead police have of the perpetrators is a vague description Anthos gave them before he slipped into a coma.

[source]
[photo source]

Birthday ALARM

Actress Kristin Davis (Sex and the City) is 42.

Actor-director Peter Fonda is 67.
Musician Johnny Winter is 63.
Steel guitarist Rusty Young of Poco is 61.
Actress Patricia Richardson (Home Improvement) is 56.
Guitarist Brad Whitford of Aerosmith is 55.
Singer Howard Jones is 52.
Actor Marc Price (Family Ties) is 39.
Bassist Jeff Beres of Sister Hazel is 36.
Actress Dakota Fanning (Charlotte's Web,I Am Sam ) is 13.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1975, in response to the energy crisis, daylight saving time began nearly two months early in the United States.

BREAKING NEWS: He Is The Decider...kind of

Judge ADHD Crazyman has ruled in favor of Dannielynn. He passed the buck to some court appointed attorney/guardian who MUST discuss how her remains are handled with Vergie, Howard and Larry. Then he cried. Then he said he wants her buried with her son in the Bahamas. The guardian, Richard Milstein, agreed and said the body should go to the Bahamas. Larry and Howard even appeared at a press conference singing sweet songs of "we love Anna and if this is what is best for her, we're ok with it." Of course it can't be that easy - shortly after the press conference Anna's psycho mom decided to appeal the decision. Classy.

It's Really SO Outrageous: Day 2

Brief update from Anna Nicole Body Trial Day 2 (Wednesday):

• You can read the Day 1 update here.
  
• The Judge decided he’s going to drag this shit on until Friday, a day before the Medical Examiner wants to kick Anna Nicole out of the morgue. He's never going to get his own TV show because there's no way he could fit a case into a 1/2 - 1 hour timeslot.
  
• The Judge has to be the most verbose man I’ve ever heard in the history of wordy people.
• When Texas (his name for the mom’s lawyer) said something about this case being a Circus. Seidlin said, "Don't use that term. It turns me off. There is no circus here, my friend. ... There's nothing circus. If you want to say circus, say circus equals attention." Ok…. I think he just needs some of Anna’s clown face paint to bring him out of denial.
• This judge has the worst ADD I’ve ever seen. In the middle of one discussion he stopped everyone and began rambling about how everyone needs to love each other because some religious wars don’t let people love each other and everyone needs to hold hands an honestly it made less sense than I’m making now. Kumbaya.
  
• Anna’s mom took the stand and was a horrific witness. She blatantly lied about receiving money from Splash News but then retracted her lie in the afternoon. She said called "a close friend" of the family, David Leigh, as a journalist with Splash News has been attending events with her including yesterday’s trial. Although, she could not identify precisely where Leigh lived in Florida and she said he did not know Daniel even though he was at a memorial service for him in the Bahamas. David paid for some of Vergie’s flights. Whenever she was caught in a lie or she didn’t want to answer a question, she would freak out and start crying like she was overcome with emotion. She repeatedly answered questions by screaming stuff about Howard.
• They took a fieldtrip to the morgue during the lunch break to view Anna's body. Tasty.
• I guess I should mention now that they suspect Anna's mom tipped off the media about the secret lunchtime viewing. Apparently the Splash News journalist was traveling with her. Leaking that information violated a confidentiality agreement.
• Howard was a rather boring witness. He didn’t want to talk about Anna’s drug use. He admitted she took prescription medication including methadone. Anna paid for all of Howard’s expenses. He said he made approximately "$60,000 - $70,000" in 2002 and $12,500 from the E! reality series "The Anna Nicole Show." If Howard wins the inheritance case, he will get 6% or $6,000,000 in compensation as her lawyer on the 14+ year case. He’s now borrowing money from his parents. He plans to work when he’s done grieving.
• Larry Birkead took the stand. I’m unsure what a potential baby daddy has to do with where the body goes but I guess it’s no more irrelevant than the rest of this crap. Honestly, I didn’t pay much attention to him. He went on and on about Anna, Howard and drug use. He said he makes money of archived photos of Anna. Blah blah blah the end.
  
• Proceedings started today at 10:30 am ET. You can watch it here.
  

I want more clown faces! Everyone needs to show up tomorrow in clown face.

Sex and the City

Today is the third anniversary of the last episode of Sex and the City (which is quite possibly one of my favorite fictional shows ever - next to the Law and Order franchise). My brain only stores useless knowledge. Can you believe it's been 3 whole years since we've seen an original Carrie Bradshaw outfit? It's about time for that movie. For fun, here's the last episode ever - An American Girl In Paris: Part Deux.

Celebrity Clone: Court Edition

Ok, this totally looked better inside my head buuuut.... couldn't Henry Winkler totally play the Anna Nicole Smith Body judge on a Lifetime Original Series (if he shaved off a lil hair off the top and visited a tanning bed)? Or what about Vincent Schiavelli if he was still alive and got rid of the mustache....

Help!

I'm going to address Britney for a second and then I'm done again for a while. I have the unique experience of previously working at an inpatient psychiatric hospital, understanding individuals with significant substance abuse/MH problems and having aemotions bipolar friend who I've personally gone through a gamut of with (including crazy impulsive tattooing, off-the-wall behavior, extreme spending, weird outfits that were more like costumes)...I'm going to tell you that Britney's current behavior is not normal. Brilliant, xine, brilliant! If only she had friends more friends like you. Anyway, I tend to stay away from topics that deal specifically with an individual's mental health issues and medication as opposed to just good, old-fashioned, fun n'wild substance abuse... So, on celebhijinx.com, Britney Spears is no longer a laughing matter until I say so. Look at me, acting all Judge Larry Seidlin on your asses. Go find Britney shit somewhere else, k?

***QUICK UPDATE**** Ok this is technically in the same post and I'm not laughing so this additional stuff about Britney doesn't count: K-Fed has asked for an emergency custody hearing today.

As Britney Spears was reportedly checking out of a drug rehabilitation center for the second time in a week, her estranged husband was making plans to go to court amid a custody dispute over their two children. Kevin Federline and his lawyer were scheduled to appear at a downtown courthouse Thursday for an emergency hearing, Superior Court spokesman Allan Parachini told The Associated Press. "Our best information is he will be here; she won't," said Parachini. "But anything is possible." It was not known what issues Federline planned to raise.Federline and Spears have two sons, 5-month-old Jayden James and 17-month-old Sean Preston. Federline filed papers seeking spousal support and sole custody of the children after Spears sought to end their two-year marriage last November. A temporary court order issued February 1 granted the couple joint custody until the end of this month. Parachini said Federline's lawyer would try to convince a Superior Court commissioner that the matter is urgent enough to be handled quickly. [source]

The girl really has a lot to deal with - she's obviously hurting, her kids are in danger of being repossessed by K-Fed and it's all happening in the public eye. She better buy herself a support system QUICKLY.

***MORE*** Ok, I'm back for more. I'm a big liar who can't stop writing about Britney. Technically, this is about substance abuse and I'm still not laughing. I'm also defending her a little, does that count?

Which hard-partying celeb takes her escapades well into the next morning? Sources saw her snorting lines at 10 a.m., but the real problem isn’t coke - waitresses at Privilege overheard her demanding “meth” from her friends.

Why would someone just ask for "meth" from their friends? That doesn't even make sense. It's like sitting around the dinner table and asking "Excuse me, could you please pass the cocaine?" Don't you think she'd at least have a special code word. You know like amp, crank, crystal, ice, bitch, tina, glass, go fast, motivation, tweak, pepsi...or something to that effect...

***STILL MORE*** Britney went back to rehab again for at least 30-45 days. Third time...charm. The emergency child custody hearing (that was likely prompted by last night's crazed umbrella attack of a paparazzi's SUV outside K-Fed's house) is off as long as she stays in rehab. K-Fed currently has the kids. Let's hope she can get her pupils and her life back under control. Now seriously, let's all leave her alone so she can heal.

Mood Music: Anna Nicole Body Trial Edition

So I'm random. If you spend enough time on this blog, you probably figured that out by now. I spent the entire day listening to Cirque du Anna via live stream on the internet. I have a weird habit of relating current news situations (or situations in general) to quotes from old rap songs. After today, this kept repeating in my head:

With so much drama in the l-b-c
Its kinda hard bein snoop d-o-double-g
But I, somehow, some way
Keep comin up with funky ass shit like every single day

So I present you with a special double feature....the original video (I totally always got a kick out of that guy going "who's damn kids is that any damn way over there tearin up the damn couch we had that damn couch for 20 years shoulda kept the plastic on. snoop doggy dog you need to get a jobby job..." in like 1993)
and here is a strange conglomeration of Snoop and American Idol Taylor Hicks that I found while I was looking for the original video. I figured if we're talking about freakshows, I might as well include this. They're singing Gin n Juice live in Birmingham, AL :

I'll post an ANS courtroom update shortly!

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Battle of the Swordsmen

A man says he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbor was watching. "Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. "This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake." According to a criminal complaint, the neighbor told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning Feb. 12, damaging the frame and lock. "Where is she?" Van Iveren demanded, thrusting the sword at the neighbor, the complaint said. "Where is she?" The neighbor told police Van Iveren became increasingly aggressive as he repeated the question, insisting that he had heard a woman being raped. The complaint said that, with the sword pointed at him, the neighbor led Van Iveren throughout the apartment, opening closet doors to prove he was alone. The neighbor later played for police the part of the DVD he believed Van Iveren heard downstairs.

Van Iveren, 39, of Oconomowoc, Wisconsin was charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct, all while using a dangerous weapon, and is due in court March 5. Together, the misdemeanor counts carry a maximum sentence of 33 months in jail. Van Iveren said Tuesday that he heard a woman "screaming for help," grabbed the sword, bounded up the stairs, kicked in the apartment door and confronted the man who lived there. "I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened," he told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. Contesting his neighbor's account, Van Iveren said he didn't look anywhere in the apartment except the front room, and that he never threatened the neighbor with the sword. "I had the sword extended. But that was all," he said. Van Iveren, who lives with his mother in the downstairs apartment, said he did not call police when he heard the noises because he does not have a telephone. He said he barely knew the upstairs tenant. Police seized Van Iveren's sword, which he said was a family heirloom. [source]

This seems normal..running out my front door with a sword is generally my first instinct in a crisis situation too. Poor guy, he couldn't tell the difference between hot, loud, ride-em-cowboy cries of passion and "help me, I'm being raped"? I'd be embarrassed too. I'd also be embarrassed that I didn't have a home phone. And that I lived downstairs with my mother. And that I might go to jail. Note to porn watchers: do not watch porn in surround sound if you live in apartments especially if you do not want crazy men to show up at your door with swords.

Couture du Jour: Canine Edition

Is your puppy stuck in a style rut? Does she need a little February fashion pick-me-up? Well then why not click your way over to www.target.com where you can buy her a $20 Princess Leia as Jabba-the-Hutt's-slave costume. I mean really, nothing says "I heart my dog" more than a golden Princess Leia slave jumpsuit with attached arms in the middle of February. Is there supposed to be some kind of irony in this costume? Someone at Target overlooked the market demand for dog Halloween costumes in February. Or maybe the overall, annual market demand for Star Wars dog costumes. tisk tisk. Now seriously kids...if you're more of a practical puppy parent and not a huge fan of Star Wars ( like me) check out this adorable puffy jacket with a faux fur hood now on sale for $10 at PetSmart. Available in pink for the bitches or blue for your little metro mutt. Modeled below by Lucia who really does need to wear a coat in the cold weather. She gets really cold. I swear. Brrrr. Don't we totally deserve royalties for cuteness? [thanks for the coat godfather sean]

George Takei ON Tim Hardaway

thank you, jordan!

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Teaching the Machine

YOUR 15 MINUTES: The Big Cheese

Remember when we heard about the woman on the Maury Povich show that had a fear of pickles so intense that it was causing harm to her personal and professional relationships? Meet 29-year-old Dave Nunley, from Wyton in the UK. Nunley is not only afraid of pickles, but of every other food product out there - with the exception of cheddar cheese. He eats about 225 pounds of cheddar cheese, preferably grated, every year and has never eaten a hot meal in his entire life. On the rare occasions when he is able to tolerate other food, he will eat a packet of potato chips or some Ready Brek breakfast cereal. Nunley says that his food phobia is so intense that his "throat closes up, making him feel sick" when he even considers eating things other than cheese. Doctors say that the cheese is keeping him alive, although it is not the healthiest diet you could subscribe to, as he would quite likely be starving to death if he didn't eat it. He has tried "hypnotherapy, acupuncture and even taken part in a BBC show about people with eating disorders" in attempts to cure the problem that has plagued him since childhood. It could be worse, though. He could have settled on processed "cheese foods," like Velveeta, instead of mild cheddar. [source]

That is my kind of eating disorder!!! Cheese is my favorite food ever. This guy would have serious problems if he was lactose intolerant.

She Did It Again

Remember that post I just did about not writing stuff on Britney while she's recovering in rehab? Well that lasted all of about 17 minutes because she checked herself out again. Sources tell ET that Britney Spears left Promises residential treatment center in Malibu, CA early this morning -- less than 24 hours after checking into the facility. Hopefully she left to go somewhere where she can recover without the paparazzi. I imagine this isn't going to be fun for her regardless. Withdrawal isn't exactly a national pastime. According to InTouch, people are coming out of the woodwork to discuss Britney's drug use since 2003.

“When I was around her, she took Ecstasy,” Amanda Alexander, the sister of Britney’s first husband, Jason, tells In Touch Weekly. Amanda, 21, says she also witnessed the singer using cocaine in their hometown of Kentwood, Louisiana. Another hometown friend, Kent Smith, who’s known Britney for “at least 10 years,” says he partied with her three years ago at Club 360 in New Orleans. “She does like to party,” Kent tells In Touch. “I’ve been there when she’s done Ecstasy and cocaine.” Toward the end of her marriage to Kevin Federline, a major stoner, Britney returned to using hardcore drugs. According to a pal, the couple got into a huge fight on the night of his CD release party last Halloween. “Kevin was mad because he knew she was high on coke,” a source tells In Touch. “The divorce really threw her into a deep depression,” says a friend. “She felt like a failure and wanted to show everyone how desirable she still is.” In addition to the cocaine and ecstasy, Spears was also drinking heavily and taking lots of prescription pills.

Well that certainly might explain her recent wild night at Marquee and Tenjune involving lollipops, no alcohol allowed on the table, making out with some random guy...was she rolling? God, Ecstasy is so 2000.

Celebrity Compassion and Stupidity

The Late Late Show host Craig Ferguson did a nose dive off the gossip bandwagon and chose not to poke fun at Britney Spears for at least one night. What? Compassion? Should I brace myself for gossip Armageddon?

The host of CBS' "The Late Late Show" told viewers Monday that after seeing photos of the 25-year-old pop star's shaved head, he reconsidered making jokes at the expense of the "vulnerable." "For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it," Ferguson said. "It should be about attacking the powerful -- the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards -- going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable." Ferguson recalled his battle with alcoholism and said he worries Spears may be having troubles of her own. "Now I'm not saying Britney is alcoholic, I don't know what she is -- alcoholic or not -- but she clearly needs help," he said. [source]

I'm going to follow this lead and not post anything about Britney while she's recovering and her hair is growing back. She needs to get better for her two small children. God knows they don't need to be with K-Fed. Speaking of trashy people, shaving heads and attacking Donald Trump...Trump and WWE chairman Vince McMahon will both manage wrestlers to fight at Wrestlemania 23. The winning manager will get to shave his counterpart's head after the match, which has been dubbed "Battle of the Billionaires." Please. There is no way Donald Trump is shaving that combover. Plus, everyone knows WWE isn't real. Tara Conner in a live poro shoot with a member of the audience chosen as the star would be a much better gimmick.

It's Really SO Outrageous

Here are some highlights from what turned into the Anna Nicole Smith Body Trial of the century yesterday (did anyone remember it was fat Tuesday?):

• Judge Larry Seidlin started off the day by asking Howard K. Stern to write Dannielynn's name on an easel under the word "daughter” for unknown reasons.
• After a short discussion with my father, who is a judge, I’ve confirmed my suspicions that the theatrics are in full effect - Judge Larry S. is using his 15 minutes for a TV deal. It’s a shame really because my father was going to come out as a potential baby daddy. Now I think his services would be best used in the courtroom. He’d really make a perfect TV judge. Much better than Larry S. and certainly better than Judge Judy.
  
• Anyway...Stern's lawyer Krista Barth complained that Larry Birkhead’s lawyer, Debra Opri, said Howard killed Anna in the courtroom.
• Howard K. Stern took the witness stand this afternoon and said some stuff like this:
• He and Anna became intimate over the past few years and decided to keep the relationship a secret. Of Anna he said, "We became more than friends, she was my whole world, everything to me. She was my lover." Of Daniel, Anna's son: "Daniel Smith was "like a brother" to him. He also said that Anna had boyfriends throughout this period of time because he just wanted her to be happy. So basically, he was her fuck buddy. Oh, and J. Howard Marshall was truly the love of her life.
• He said "She talked of death really from the time that I met her.” She though she would die young like Marilyn Monroe and wanted to be buried next to her but it was too expensive. Is there room next to Marilyn? I thought Paris Hilton buried her goat there.
• After Daniel died, Howard suggested they bury him in LA but Anna insisted on the Bahamas. She made Howard check the plots because she and Daniel were afraid of bugs and she didn’t want any getting into the coffins.
• She attempted to crawl into Daniel’s coffin at his funeral.
• He said, "She died emotionally when Daniel died. It was the reason why she didn't want to bury him than earlier than ... she did. It was the most difficult thing that I've ever seen anyone go through.”
• Howard didn’t want to be known as a “gold digger” which is why they never legally married. …buuuuuuuut they were going to get married at the end of the month.
• Howard was supposed to be in court for one day but the Judge asked him to stay longer. They compromised when the judge pulled two private jets out of his ass and let Howard choose one to fly him back to the Bahamas for the night.
  
• Her emballmed body is decaying at the morgue and the Medical Examiner wants her ass out of there by Saturday.
  
• The drama begins again today at 9:30am ET. Watch it here.

Xine's Courtroom Commentary: Can someone please tell me what's so difficult about all of this: the will was so poorly written that Howard doesn't stand to gain much regardless of what happens in the courtroom. Also, let's remember that Anna's estate is basically broke UNLESS she gets the inheritance she was fighting over for 14+ years. Howard was listed as the executor, give him the body and let him bury it in the plot she bought next to her dead son. Take the goddamn DNA and send it to a lab. Put Vergie's fat ass back on a plane to Texas and stop wasting the taxpayers' money.

Think Big: Where Do We Go From Here?

A horrifying story out of Detroit — a 72-year-old man pursued and beaten in a sick attack that appears to have been motivated by the man's perceived sexual orientation.

WDIV reports:

"The victim, Andrew Anthos (right), was riding a city bus back to his residence at Detroit's Windsor Tower apartments on Feb. 13 when another male passenger asked him if he was gay, Anthos's niece, Athena Fedenis said. Anthos was followed by the man from the bus and beaten with a pipe in front of his apartment, Fedenis said."

Due to the repeated beating, Anthos is now paralyzed from the neck down and cannot speak above a whisper.

Said the victim's aunt: "It just doesn't make any sense. Why do people have to hurt each other?"
Detroit police are investigating the attack and asking for anyone with information to come forward. Unfortunately, sexual orientation is not covered under Michigan's hate crime statutes.

Whoever says that this world is becoming increasingly more tolerant - well - I just don't believe it. I've never been convinced that progress is linear, and right now, I personally feel like a deep and severely harmful level of hate in the world. We're taking steps backwards, people.

[source]

Birthday ALARM

Actor William Baldwin is 44.

Actress Rue McClanahan is 72.
Record company executive David Geffen is 64.
Actress Tyne Daly is 61.
Actor William Petersen (C.S.I. ) is 54.
Actor Kelsey Grammer is 52.
Singer Mary Chapin Carpenter is 49.
Actor Christopher Atkins is 46.
Actress Jennifer Love Hewitt is 28.
Opera singer Charlotte Church is 21.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1953, Francis Crick and James D. Watson discovered the structure of the DNA molecule.

Britney Back in Rehab

Britney is going to rehab. Possibly her second time this week. Britney's 3 month evolution: Her rep says, "Britney Spears has voluntarily checked herself into an undisclosed rehab facility today. We ask that the media respect her privacy as well as those of her family and friends at this time."

Rehab Central

Best British Female Artist and world-class boozer Amy Winehouse was seen with visible coke rings around her nose (shortly after singing her song about rejecting rehab at the Brit Awards). In response to the photo, we're considering changing her last name from Winehouse to Cokenose.

Lindsay Lohan take notes: this girl has no shame and I love it. Not only does she say "f no" to some silly attempt at rehab, she writes a hit song about it. Lindsay checked out of rehab and went straight into a weekend-at-the-bar. Currently, her publicist is at home trying to come up with the 10,003 denials and excuses to follow the event. Just in case you were wondering, we’re supposed to believe she’s outpatient now.

Awkward Moments on 60 Minutes

On the topic of gaydom:

Kenny: Maybe I should've come out and said "no I'm not" But I didn't want to draw anymore attention to it. You know what I mean Anderson? Like when people just won't leave you alone about being gay and they just keep going and going and going. And you think that if you stay quiet they'll just go away. You know? I knew I wasn't. I didn't have to prove to anyone that I wasn't. I didn't feel like that I really did. Because I'm not Anderson. I'm not. Dammit I'm not. It's not true Anderson. Unless you're interested. Back me up here buddy. You know what it's like.

Anderson: What, huh? Sorry I wasn't paying attention. I was too busy batting my eyelashes.

Guessing Game...

WHICH leotard-loving pop icon won't be performing in Tokyo any time soon? Our tipster said she's been banned from entering Japan "because she got caught with drugs" there . . .

Madonna? What kind of drugs and when?

WHICH funnyman musician wound down after his recent concert here by getting "stoned out of his mind" at his after-party?

Justin Timberlake.

That was easy PageSix!

Questionable Quotes: Gossip Edition

Usually we quote celebrities but this was just too much. Here's a quote from PageSix on Paris Hilton's bust of a birthday party at Body English (Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, Vegas):

"There were no names there except for [sister] Nicky Hilton and Nicole Richie," said our source. But even without many boldfaces, things at the after-party at the Penthouse Suite got a little odd. After downing TY KU liquor and bottles of Dom Perignon, guests reported seeing Hilton play with a monkey while a band of midgets led a pack of goats around the room.

Birthday ALARM

Actor Jay Hernandez (Crazy/Beautiful) is 29.

Actor Sidney Poitier is 80.
Actress Sandy Duncan is 61.
Singer-bassist Walter Becker of Steely Dan is 57.
Actor Anthony Stewart Head (Buffy The Vampire Slayer) is 53.
Model Cindy Crawford is 41.
Actor Andrew Shue (Melrose Place) is 40.
Actress Lili Taylor is 40.
Singer Brian Littrell of Backstreet Boys is 32.
Actress Lauren Ambrose (Six Feet Under) is 29.
Actress Majandra Delfino (Roswell) is 26.

Singer Rihanna is 19.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1992, Ross Perot announced his intention to run in the 1992 U.S. presidential election on CNN's Larry King Live.