Tonya Harding Is A Swollen Mess

Remember Tonya Harding? The best Olympic scandal ever? Nancy Kerrigan's knee, lead pipe, homemade porn movie, went on to celebrity box and live in a trailer near Seattle? Tragic yet hilarious. Anyway, it sounds like she's been smokin some rock cause she recently was accused by her friends of "tweaking out" .

Clark County sheriff's deputies responded to two calls early Sunday involving infamous figure skater Tonya Harding, who was described in police reports as "very agitated" and "tweaking out."

Sgt. Tim Bieber said Wednesday that police received the first call at 4:56 a.m. Harding called police to Yacolt Towing. According to a police report of the incident, Harding said four men and a woman tried to break into her car and steal it and were trying to stash rifles on the side of her property.

She told police she was on "new medication" and was experiencing an adverse reaction. In his report, the deputy wrote that Harding's account was a "very implausible story."

Yes. Very implausible story, indeed. This "new medication" - did it happen to have a Mitsubishi symbol on it, dark heroin-like specks, typically ingested by ravers, and was it labeled, "double-stacked?" Get out your glowstick, folks!

[source]

Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna NoMO

A private plane carrying Anna Nicole Smith's body left Friday for the Bahamas, where the buxom blonde will be laid to rest after A MILLION FUCKING YEARS weeks of legal tomfoolery over the burial site.

The flight left with her casket after authorities escorted a black hearse (pictured above :-) ) to Miami International Airport, as news helicopters tracked the procession from the medical examiner's office in Fort Lauderdale. The plane is headed to the Bahamian capital of Nassau for a burial later in the morning

Anna will be buried in a tiara and custom-made, beaded gown next to her 20-year-old son Daniel following an "over the top" memorial service, said a friend helping to organize the memorial.

I will be back with updates as this seemingly neverending saga continues later today. I hear there are suprise musical guests! YAY!

[source]

***UPDATE***

God, this feels like live blogging during the Oscars or something. Anyway, hundreds of islanders and tourists crowded behind steel barricades, guarded by police as guests began arriving in stretch limousines. Some of the participants gushed at the sight of the white-columned Mount Horeb Baptist Church(where the ceremony will take place momentarily), whose pews were festooned with pink roses.

K. I'll be back with more later.

***UPDATE NUMBER 2***

A red-carpet rollout greeted Smith's casket at the Mount Horeb Baptist Church, decorated inside with large bouquets containing pink and white roses and baby daisies.

Howard K. Stern, Smith's lawyer and companion, arrived in a dark suit with a pink ribbon on his lapel. Photographer Larry Birkhead, who is battling Stern for paternity of Smith's 6-month-old daughter Dannielynn, wore a dark suit and a pink tie, while Smith's mother Virgie Arthur arrived last, after filing an emergency legal motion in the Bahamas courts trying to halt the burial of her estranged daughter in the islands.

The motion was denied prior to the funeral's 11:15 a.m. start.

Smith's pink-draped casket was carried from a white hearse into the one-story white chapel by six pallbearers, including her current and former bodyguards Maurice "Big Moe" Brighthaupt, Houston police officer Troy Hollier and her Los Angeles attorney Ron Rale.

Brit Brit: As Tragedy Unfolds...

Two Days In The Life of Britney Spears

Britney Spears' drama is just too much for me to handle at my old age of 27. She acts like me when I was 19 which, according to the giant fault lines across my forehead, was a long, long time ago. Luckily I didn't try to write a blog on her latest trip to NYC fashion week sooner because more and more stuff happens and now I can nicely include everything in one post via a bulleted list:

• Britney stepped off the plane in NYC and went shopping at Duane Reed looking like the haggardest antithesis of fashion week ever. It was so bad, I had to start making up words just to describe it.
• Some of her latest "fashion" choices include but are not limited to: a 9 year old girl's winter playground outfit, a bloody cotton ball hat a drunk, Russian communist wouldn’t wear even before 1991 and, of course, she pulled out her old trick - the thong hanging out of the low-rise jeans.
• While in NYC, reports surface that K-Fed K-Fed's friend Omar “Iceman” Sharif, says Britney was into hot, nasty sex including threesomes and orgies with 20+ girls.
• Britney then received sad news that her latest boyfriend, "model" Isaac Cohen wanted to break up with her...over the phone. He couldn't handle the drama.
  
• Then just like any newly dumped, 24 year-old mother of two, Britney hit the clubs on a rampage: After she was a no-show at the chaotic Heatherette show (supposedly because she was "really scared" by the press), Spears and friends had dinner at touristy Rue 57. She next headed to Marquee, where sources said she was dancing with her girlfriends and "demanded all alcohol be kept far away from her."But other witnesses weren't buying that. "She must have been drinking secretly in the bathroom," said one. "Because she was falling all over the place. She was also chomping on lollipops from the bathroom all night. And she didn't leave any money for the bathroom attendant." Spears' wild night continued at club Tenjune, where she was seen arriving at 2:30 a.m. with a group of friends. "Britney was completely hammered," said a witness. Again, the tank top-clad party girl asked that no alcohol be put on the table - but clubgoers saw her dancing on the banquettes and "drinking what looked like vodka and O.J." A source told Page Six that one of the people who followed her from Marquee to Tenjune (described as "a scruffy-looking guy") was "hitting on her all night, but she wouldn't even look at him. "Then a model guy came to her table and she started making out with him." Spears ended her night with a visit to McDonald's.

Here's another lovely snapshot of Ms. Spears from the back. This remindes me this time I visited my sister while she was in college and there was a guy at the end of the bar with his butt crack hanging out of his jeans. Like drunken fools, we decided to stick a straw in his butt crack to see if he'd notice. He didn't. Somewhere, I have a cell phone picture of a man with his straw sticking out of his butt. Anyway, the moral of the story is that either someone had fun courtesy of Britney's ass crack or Brit has a thong-adjuster on staff. Either way it's about as sad as the story I just told you. [so. many. sources.]