SideShow Vergie and Her Traveling Circus

I know I promised I wouldn’t do anymore Anna Nicole Smith posts but alas, it’s my blog and I thought this was too morbidly amusing to ignore. Call me a big old promise breaker if you’d like…the comment section is below.
Start rolling, Anna. Good thing Vergie wore those orthopedic shoes. Someone at that cemetery owes her B$1.53 for her 20 minutes of labor. That was the most entertaining display of old-person stamina EVER. Someone get her a cocktail. Get me one too while you're at it. Glad to see good old Vergie has the coping skills to focus the early-morning loss of her imaginary money tree into something positive. The hole had to be filled, right? Story of her life. snap. Seriously though, I don’t remember making dirt castles during burials. In fact, I don’t remember any dirt. Is this dirt play common? I thought like a priest just sprinkled some on with his little funeral dirt shaker as a symbol. I definitely don’t remember shovels or wheelbarrows. …or is that an actual golf cart with a trunk full of dirt? How delightfully tacky.

PS. They know what killed Anna but they're not going to release it until after the police investigation is completed. I think it was Colonel Mustard in the billard room with the candlestick. I just want the comprehensive story delivered to me in a 1 hour Law and Order episode.

From Golddiggin' to Gravediggin': The Story of Anna Nicole Smith

I promise this is my last Anna Nicole post...

Superthanks to Dino for keeping my Anna Nicole Smith postmortem obsession alive on Friday. They've been trying to throw her into the ground for a almost a month now and the day it happens, my laptop decides to hate all wireless networks and then refused to even acknowledge their existence. It started connecting to them again late last night so if Anna decides to resurrect on the third day, I'll be able to blog about it.Before work this morning, I watched Part 1 of the Anna Nicole Smith Funeral mini-series orchestrated by Entertainment Tonight (TiVoed). Media outlets shelled out big bucks for coverage rights. Speaking of the words 'big' and 'bucks'…Vergie the money hungry gravedigging Hutt woke up at the butt crack o' dawn on Friday to file a petition with the Bahamian Supreme Court in a reeeeeaaaaaly last ditch effort to block the funeral. Like so last minute that the hearse was already outside the church with the body in the trunk just waiting to hear if they could finally start start the services or if they had to follow Vergie's orders to morph into a Duck Tour amphibious vehicles and head off into the Atlantic Ocean quacking. When the petition was denied, Vergie and her quadruple chin then had the nerve to show up to the services in her best funeral muumu...late and in tears. Of course the sole reason for her tears was the realization that Anna’s grave would not be writing out paychecks to supplement her pension. Her tears were just conveniently appropriate since she went straight from the court to a funeral.

For some reason, Vergie, Larry Birkhead, Howard K. Stern all gave eulogies. Call me crazy but the last people I would want giving my eulogy is an estranged white trash family member and one of my ex-boyfriends. I mean seriously…how can that happen? I’m not a huge fan of anyone named Howard Stern but he managed to say some really nice things about Anna during his eulogy and still gave Vergie a verbal middle finger in the midst of it all. I think Anna would’ve been proud. Here are some excerpts via ET:

The truth, there's only one truth, and it's not what people say in court, even if those people are your blood relatives. It's not what people who claim to be your friends say to the media. ... The truth is what your life ... what you touch, what you feel, what you see with your own eyes, what you observe for yourself. I know the truth about Anna. ...

No one could give Anna the credit she deserved. It doesn't matter what anyone says. We know the truth. ... People questioned whether she was bright, she didn't graduate from high school... I could guarantee you, Anna was smarter than I am. She became a household name. [She was one] of the most famous people in the world. It didn't happen by accident, it wasn't managers, lawyers, agents, it wasn't me, it was all her. ... Anna was an entertainer, a true entertainer. It didn't matter if she was acting just with her friends, she knew what people wanted and she gave people what they want. ... It didn't matter where we were or who was there -- actors, musicians, politicians -- everybody's focus was on Anna. She was the center of attention, it wasn't even close. ... Marilyn Monroe was her idol, [and] I'll bet you if they lived at the same time, and they met, Marilyn would be flocking to Anna. It's not disrespect to Marilyn ... it's just that Anna was that special.

When Anna was alive it was one thing, but it was wrong for people to portray Anna the way they did when she passed away in the courtroom, in the media...so-called family members, people who claim to be friends, lawyers and even the judge ... if these people have decency, or dignity, or any concern for Anna or Dannielynn, they wouldn't have done it ... it was disrespectful, but not the truth that I know, not the truth that I know. ... She controlled her life. Her opinions were her opinions, and her judgment wasn't clouded by anything, she was wonderful and she was kind. To me she was perfect. ... She lived her life in a fishbowl and fought with one of the richest men in the world, all the way to the Supreme Court, and she was publicly ridiculed every day. ... The only thing she couldn't overcome was the death of her son, Daniel, who was the world to her. And I quote [from Anna's eulogy for Daniel], 'You were my rock, the only one that kept me solid. ... You were always afraid of dying, and I never believed you, and now you're gone. It's so hard to think of you ... my heart is empty, I will come home to you.'

From the day that Daniel passed, she had nightmares that Daniel was lost and he didn't know what to do. ... Well, Anna, today you are going home to Daniel to the Bahamas and in heaven. I understand how you felt when Daniel died because you were my rock, and now my heart is empty. I wish God took me instead. ... When we were together, it didn't matter what people said, nothing mattered because we knew the truth. ... Sometimes it felt like it was us against the world. I can't believe that you're gone and you're not here to protect anyone, and honestly, sometimes I don't know how I'm gonna go on, but I know that my work isn't done. I still have to protect you, I have to protect your wishes, I have to protect your name, and most of all I have to protect Dannielynn, and I promise you, as long as I'm still breathing, I will, no matter who comes at me. You and I, we know the truth. We lived it, and that's all that matters. When my work is done, I promise you, I will come home to you again, both you and Daniel. I love you."

Vergie managed to spew this :

"I was there when God gave you to me. You were a beautiful baby, you were so loved. We all loved you and have so many stories to tell about you. So many great times, so many fun times. We watched you grow into a beautiful woman and we watched you stumble a few times ... but you always got back up and carried on. So headstrong, you accomplished all of the wonderful dreams that you wanted. You have shown us that if you want something in life bad enough, walk tall and never quit.We've always been here for you. We love you and know that you loved us. Goodbye, my baby daughter."

Larry Birkhead gets his own post. Keep scrolling down for more eulogy-mania...

Questionable Quotes: Larry Birkhead

Larry Birkhead does well with many things: photographing celebrities, getting his little white peeps between Anna Nicole's legs, pursuing paternity lawsuits, testifying in court, garnering public support, maintaining his blonde highlights....but eulogizing the woman he "loved"...not so much. Here's an excerpt about what Larry had to say:

"Sometimes, when she was perceived to be the worst, she was actually the best. ... She was misunderstood in what she was in life and what she needed. I'll never forget one time, I saw her put something in her bag -- it was a ketchup packet. ... It's not because she couldn't afford it, [but] when I looked into the kitchen and saw all those ketchup packets, [I realized that they] represented security."

What the fuck? Security... like security that she'll never have a french fry without ketchup or security that she'll always have a ketchup packet to love her? This is just one of many reasons why ex-boyfriends shouldn't be allowed to speak at funerals. Ketchup packet talk has no place at a funeral...except for mine because I have a undying love for ketchup. Heinz only. I carry it with me at all times. When my sad day comes, Dino will give a eulogy about my love for ketchup, tell all of my ketchup stories, there will be a 57 gun salute and the guns will shoot Heinz ketchup into the air.

Update Number 987 on Anna Nicole's Funeral

Goddamnit. This is the last Anna Nicole update I'm doing today. Xine will swoop in shortly with her take on the situation that continues to unfold like a neverending drama onion.

After the service, Anna's coffin was moved to Lake View cemetery, for the burial -- the final chapter (ya right) in the tumultuous life of Anna Nicole Smith.

Splash News has been HIRED as the offical photographer of the funeral. Proceeds from the sale of this and other photographs are being donated to the Dannielynn Hope Trust Fund.

[source]

Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna NoMO

A private plane carrying Anna Nicole Smith's body left Friday for the Bahamas, where the buxom blonde will be laid to rest after A MILLION FUCKING YEARS weeks of legal tomfoolery over the burial site.

The flight left with her casket after authorities escorted a black hearse (pictured above :-) ) to Miami International Airport, as news helicopters tracked the procession from the medical examiner's office in Fort Lauderdale. The plane is headed to the Bahamian capital of Nassau for a burial later in the morning

Anna will be buried in a tiara and custom-made, beaded gown next to her 20-year-old son Daniel following an "over the top" memorial service, said a friend helping to organize the memorial.

I will be back with updates as this seemingly neverending saga continues later today. I hear there are suprise musical guests! YAY!

[source]

***UPDATE***

God, this feels like live blogging during the Oscars or something. Anyway, hundreds of islanders and tourists crowded behind steel barricades, guarded by police as guests began arriving in stretch limousines. Some of the participants gushed at the sight of the white-columned Mount Horeb Baptist Church(where the ceremony will take place momentarily), whose pews were festooned with pink roses.

K. I'll be back with more later.

***UPDATE NUMBER 2***

A red-carpet rollout greeted Smith's casket at the Mount Horeb Baptist Church, decorated inside with large bouquets containing pink and white roses and baby daisies.

Howard K. Stern, Smith's lawyer and companion, arrived in a dark suit with a pink ribbon on his lapel. Photographer Larry Birkhead, who is battling Stern for paternity of Smith's 6-month-old daughter Dannielynn, wore a dark suit and a pink tie, while Smith's mother Virgie Arthur arrived last, after filing an emergency legal motion in the Bahamas courts trying to halt the burial of her estranged daughter in the islands.

The motion was denied prior to the funeral's 11:15 a.m. start.

Smith's pink-draped casket was carried from a white hearse into the one-story white chapel by six pallbearers, including her current and former bodyguards Maurice "Big Moe" Brighthaupt, Houston police officer Troy Hollier and her Los Angeles attorney Ron Rale.