You Mean Suing People Isn't a Job?

Life must be hard when you don’t have an actual job and/or classes to report to on a daily basis. I mean, really, there actually is somewhat of a limit on the amount of time any given person can spend: shopping, tanning, talking shit on people, getting hair extensions, eating, drinking, doing drugs, laying out by the pool, adopting animals, going on vacation, taking pictures, dancing and having sex. What else is left to do on the rest of your free time? According to Paris Hilton, sue people. When one lawsuit finishes she starts up another. Now that she has to pay Zeta Graff a reported $2 million in a defamation case, she’s decided to sue Hallmark to recoup some cash. You didn’t think she’d actually use her own stinky perfume money to pay Zeta, did you? I man Paris DID just buy a new $6 million mansion…give her a little break.

Paris Hilton has filed a federal lawsuit over a $2.49 Hallmark greeting card that uses a photo of the heiress and her trademarked phrase "That's Hot." In a complaint filed yesterday in U.S. District Court in Los Angeles, Hilton alleges that Hallmark has, among other transgressions, misappropriated her image and invaded her privacy with the card. According to the lawsuit, the greeting card, which purports to show Hilton's "first day as a waitress," was first distributed earlier this year and remains on sale. Hilton is seeking at least $500,000 in actual damages and a permanent injunction barring Hallmark from further exploitation of her name and likeness. The "waitress" card is one of three recent Hallmark offerings that have featured Hilton. [source]

I still think it's hilarious that she trademarked "that's hot" - like it's some brilliant linguistic algorithm that nobody in the whole world has ever thought of before.

Questionable Quotes: Paris Hilton

Miss Hilton recently told Elle U.K. “I wanna have like a family and a guy. Y’know, it just upsets me because I'm not anything like what people say about me, and this cartoon character that they've made of me is just completely false. It makes me mad that I'm such a good person and I'm treated like that by some people, I just don't get it.”

Couture du Jour: Mommy and Me - 2007?

A long, long time ago when I was a little girl, mommy and me clothes we generally hideous plaid jumpers from the JC Penney catalog. Fortunately my mom never bought into that crap. Since my childhood, children's fashion has advanced giving the next generations of girls the opportunities to not always look like a 47 year-old sunday school teacher from Missouri. On the flipside, girls now have endless opportunities to look like 12 year old American prostitutes.Paris Hilton, America's favorite coochie-flashing, jailbird, pornstar, socialite heiress, decided to design a woman's line for Kitson...and she has a mini-her in the same dress. I think she just found the only market she hasn't tapped yet. I mean really, the only places that dress would be appropriate for a child is in a tap dance recital or a dress-up box. After looking at Kitson's pictures of the collection, the kid is not only wearing the dress...she's also apparently sewing them herself in a back alley LA sweatshop. Truly hideous clothing. It doesn't even photograph well. Seriously, they should've Photoshopped the whole collection. This shirt reminds me of a windsock I made in middle school home ec. class. I bet they sell better quality stuff at Fashion Bug. Paris is donating some of the proceeds to LA's Children's Hospital. She's no Paul Newman thought...only 10% of the proceeds from the $70 poly-blend shirts will be going to the hospital.

Middle School Art Project

LOST DOG

HAVE YOU SEEN HER?

Age: 3 in dog years
Weight: Anorexic
Eyed: Dilated
Coat: Spotted/Freckled
Breed: Freckle-Bellied Cokewhore Terrier

My dog was last seen on the morning of July 24, 2007 chasing cars in Santa Monica. She will answer to the call of: Lilo, L Squared, Lo Hoe and Dime Bags, 2 for 10 dollars. She was also last seen carrying her favorite boys: a little white bag we call her “doggy bag” ad her favorite black ankle bracelet. Please come home!

MISSING

If you have any information, please call. All the change in my couch will be offered for the information leading to the safe return of my dog.

Celebrity Clone: Don't Feel Bad Nicky, Wiener Purses Never Caught On Either

Judging from this picture, Nicky Hilton is clearly Dawn Weiner's long lost sister. Let's home they're planning a "Welcome to the Dollhouse" remake - Nicky might have herself a real job. ..using the term 'real' very very loosely...

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Kids These Days...

Dino and I often scan crazy news stories to find the best "YOUR 15 MINUTES." While some stories are strange (like chinese acrobats who were being held as slaves), they just shouldn't be entertainment. Then there are stories that shouldn't be entertaining but are...like this one:

Police who chased a car for miles along a highway at speeds up to 100 mph said the driver was drunk, hardly a rarity in this resort town. But there was more: When they looked inside the flipped vehicle with guns drawn, they found an 11-year-old girl at the wheel. "You go up there thinking it's a felon you're dealing with," assistant police Chief Greg Duck said. The girl, who was slightly injured in the crash, is now charged with driving under the influence of alcohol, speeding, reckless endangerment and leaving the scene of an accident. Duck said she sideswiped another vehicle during the roughly 8-mile chase. The chase began around 10:30 p.m. Tuesday when a patrol officer near the Florida line saw the car speeding west along a beach highway, Duck said. When the officer flicked on his lights, the driver sped up. The girl rolled the car just inside the Gulf Shores city limit. Duck said the girl, whose name was not released because of her age, told police she was on her way to pick up her sister at a concert. Investigators found no alcohol in the car but believe the girl drank before getting behind the wheel of the car, which belongs to relatives. Duck declined to release the girl's blood alcohol level but said a blood test at the hospital showed it was higher than .02, the legal limit for minors. [source]

Damn girl!!! She is going to be a fun one when she gets to college. IF she gets to college. See parents, this is what happens when your young daughters idolize people like Paris Hilton.

Wrong Number.

Are you there God, it's me xine. Why...why couldn't this happen to me?

For months, Shira Barlow's cell phone was flooded with wrong-number calls and text messages, mostly between 2 and 4 a.m. on weekends. Told they had reached a college student, callers refused to believe it. "Baby girl, how are you?" one man purred in a foreign accent. "Why are you doing this?" a woman asked. "This is so rude." And there were several seemingly random references to "Paris." As in Paris Hilton.

Barlow's story began on Valentine's Day during a night out with friends. She was carrying her phone in a back pocket when it fell into a toilet. When she replaced it, her wireless company insisted on assigning the San Francisco native a new number with a 310 area code rather than 415. Barlow had been given a recycled phone number that used to be Hilton's. The practice stems from efforts to conserve phone numbers to minimize area-code splitting.

Just after Barlow got her new phone close to Hilton's February 17 birthday, a flurry of calls and texts arrived. "Oh my God," one caller said. "Where's the party?" Then came the day Hilton was sentenced to jail after violating probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case. Messages about parties were replaced by dozens expressing condolences. "People were scared for her," Barlow said. The phone traffic trailed off when Hilton entered jail last month. But when Hilton was released, a new crop of messages flooded in. "It's disgusting how they treated you in there, but once again you have showed the world that you can do anything," one wrote. Barlow said she has resisted the temptation to pose as Hilton to get into exclusive parties. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? - You'd either have to be dumb, fat or REALLY REALLY into college to resist that!!! But she did message supporters "thanks so much," believing Hilton would appreciate it. Barlow plans to keep the number because she says it has been a greater source of amusement than a hassle. "It was really out of convenience," she added. "I didn't want to switch again." [source]

I would've had so much more fun with this! ...and I know a little prankster named Dan who would've had even more fun.

YOUR YouTube FIX: Paris Done Lied to Us

Celebrity Clone: Ang n Paris

Some chick who really looks like Angelina Jolie as Angelina Jolie:


Good Old Natalie Reid as Paris Hilton:

Mood Music: Paris' Jail Theme

Paris Hilton Is Not Dead

...you can all sleep well tonight. CNN, ABC and Yahoo were victimized by bogus reports of Paris Hilton's death in jail. She was not stabbed multiple times with a shank. She did not hang herself with a bed sheet. She was not beaten by the warden.

According to Barbara Walters (coincidentally the first person I'd call if I was ever sentenced to jail) Paris is spending her time in jail having a spiritual awakening. She claims she used to "act dumb" and "that act is no longer cute." Seriously? She's serious? She thinks God has given her a new chance by throwing her ass in jail. It took a trip of jail to make God care - forget about the sex tapes, n-words, Exposed websites, herpes rumors, breakups, makeups, breakups, vagina flashings, nip slips, million dollar lawsuits, DUI arrest, car accident, car accident, car accident, drug rumors, etc... I would believe all of this "playing dumb" stuff if she didn't drop out of high school to dance on tables wearing nothing but a pair of underwear and a cut off shirt that said "Got Blow." Seriously, she's a 26 year-old dropout - that's one loooooong act and unfortunately I have to stay until the end of the play. I have no choice really.

While Paris is finding "god" (which is probably just prison slang for coke), her parents are supposedly trying to earn some $$$ by shopping the idea of a "Get Out Of Jail Party" for Paris to the top Las Vegas clubs, including Pure, the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino and the Palms. A source told PageSix and Paris' dad was originally asking for a $50,000 cash fee to be paid, as well as accommodations and flights. Pure and Hard Rock said 'no' flat out, but George Maloof, who owns the Palms, didn't say yes or no. He happens to be friends with Paris. Nothing says "spiritual awakening after a DUI" like a party in Vegas...execpt maybe Lindsay Lohan leaving rehab to celebrate her 21st birthday in Vegas. Or maybe this all just sounds like "what a bunch of crackheads." [source]

Quote It!

Best DAMN Picture EVER

Oh man, genius, pure genius!

[source]

YOUR YouTube FIX: They're all laughing AT you

Battle of the Wonky Eye

Not that I believe in exploiting people's flaws, but these two girls have a serious case of wonky eye.

Which case of lazy eye is worse? You be the judge.

Liiiiiike, What?!

Paris Hilton is a spelling bee champion!

NOT! But she is now part of a grass-roots campaign to keep herself out of jail. In a message that went up Monday on her MySpace page and reported in the New York Post, the hotel heiress writes: "My friend Joshua started this petition, please help and sihn it. i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!"

The petition, directed to California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, asks that Paris be pardoned from her sentence of 45 days in jail for violating the terms of her probation by driving with a suspended license. The punishment was handed down in Los Angeles Superior Court on Friday. An appeal has been filed.

"I urge all fans and supporters and all that are outraged by injustice to sign this petition," the brilliant Nobel Laurette wrote on her myspace blog.

She should have spent more time in school. She could possibly have reading capabilities equivalent to that of a 12-year old, with minor learning disabilities.

[source]

Questionable Quotes: Paris Hilton

"I think I get in more trouble because of who I am. The cops do it all the time. They'll just pull me over to hit on me. It's really annoying. They're [the cops] like, 'What's your phone number? Want to go out to dinner?' "

[source]

Paris Hilton, Meet Accountability

A judge sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days in jail Friday for violating her probation, putting the brakes on the hotel heiress's famous high life. Hilton, who parlayed her name and relentless partying into worldwide notoriety, must go to jail on June 5 and she will not be allowed any work release, furloughs, use of an alternative jail or any electronic monitoring in lieu of jail, Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer ruled after a hearing.The judge ruled that she was in violation of the terms of her probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case."I'm very sorry, and from now on I'm going to pay complete attention to everything. I'm sorry, and I did not do it on purpose at all," she told the judge before he announced the sentence. She was then ordered to report to a women's jail in suburban Lynwood on the set date or face 90 days behind bars. As a city prosecutor said during closing arguments that Hilton deserved jail time, Hilton's mother, Kathy, laughed. When the judge ruled, Kathy Hilton then blurted out: "May I have your autograph?"

Paris Hilton was among a series of witnesses who took the stand during the hearing. She maintained she was unaware her license was suspended and thought she was allowed to drive for work purposes. She said that when an officer who stopped her in January made her sign a document stating her license was suspended, she thought he was mistaken and did not actually look at the document. Hilton arrived at the courthouse 10 minutes after the scheduled 1:30 p.m. start time of the hearing. The heiress arrived in the back of a black Cadillac Escalade and swept into the Metropolitan Courthouse with several men in suits, ignoring screams of photographers lining the route into a rear entrance. In addition to her mother, her father, Rick, also came with her. Wearing a gray jacket and white shirt over black slacks and with a black headband on, she said nothing and appeared serious.

More Myspace Fights: The Wannabes

I honestly shaved 15 years off my life typing all of this - I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Yet another public MySpace fight by people who want to be famous. Kim Kardashiana v. Haylie Duff:

HAYLIE: Hey Kimberly, So, I’m really tired of all this bad blood between us. The only reason we even know each other is because of Paris, and of course she tries to stir things up because she doesn’t like me and wants you to be on her side. I’m not writing this message to slam her, though. Anyway, I just want to say sorry for whatever I’ve said about you, I know there’s been a lot of miscommunications and stuff, and I think you’re a really nice girl, and that we could end up being good friends. We should go out and cosmos together sometime! If you ever feel like it, cell me! You can get the number from Adam.
Peace and Love,
Haylie

KIM: um, thanks for the message i’m glad you want to be friends. i’m really tired of all this shit and drama, i’m a grown woman and i’ve been feeling like a little kid again. i know i should’ve have called you a stupid cunt, it was mean but i just did it because paris told me to. i was desperate for attention but i’ve finally ditched her and i’m becoming my own person. anyway, would you want to go see am spin at les deux next week? hope u write back soon. kim dont listen to paris shes a stupid lesbian

HAYLIE: i know, the drama has really gotten out of hand. I’m a grown woman and I can’t stand it, I just want it to be gone. This isn’t high school! And I forgive you for calling me that. :) Anyway, I’d LOVE to see AM spin! What time? Xoxo Haylie

KIM:yeah um. i forgot i don’t hang out with horses plus im busy. slut.

Snap. Horrific run-on sentence and comma usage aside, Haylie actually comes out of this looking like the better person. Still, something just doesn't seem right about the whole thing...

Holy Shit: See If You Can Wrap Your Brain Around This Mess

Paris Hilton's rep is hitting back at Shanna Moakler, calling her actions "childish" and "mean-spirited" after Shanna posted contact information for Paris online over the weekend.

"This woman is simply desperate for press and attention," said Elliot Mintz, he who orchestrates Paris' damage control. "Shanna deliberately posted Paris's phone number and e-mail address on her Web site. It was an unprovoked invasion upon Paris's privacy, which immediately caused her to change her contact information. It was a childish, mean-spirited thing to do. And we are not going to dignify such an action with any additional comment."

The drama started over the weekend, when Shanna wrote a blog (titled, "Put This In Your Pipe and Smoke It") on her MySpace page:

"I posted this blog back in January to let you all know that my accounts were hacked. ... and since there are 2 little girls with to much time on their hands and no one to love them....id like to share my 'hacked' info as well. ive tried to disassociate myself from both these parties for some time now and like a fungus they wont go away."

The posting then listed what she claimed were the e-mail address and phone number for Paris and e-mail addresses for Lindsay Lohan.

By Sunday, the post had been pulled from Shanna's page, however she put up another missive saying, "There are numerous reasons why i posted my last blog and I stand behind every single one of them."

Here's the part that confuses me... you'd think that Shanna Moakler would have her hands full with three children and a rocky relationship with Travis from Blink 182. Where does someone like that find time to sit around on Myspace? I mean, I have a day job which means I basically have 8 hours a day to paruse Myspace and start shit. Leave the Myspace drama to those with full time jobs, Shanna.

[source] + [source]