Um..Reality Check

I had and extra day off work yesterday thanks to Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birth a long, long time ago. I usually drink myself through birthday celebrations but instead I sat my lazy ass on the couch all weekend where I had the misfortune of catching not one but TWO horrid episodes of the Gastineau Girls. I now regret it because about 20 of my IQ points are lost somewhere in my couch cushion.

I’m convinced E! put the Gastineau Girls on TV so the rest of America can feel good about themselves. Who needs Zoloft when you can watch these two crazies run around pretending to be celebrities? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that by being the ex-wife of Mark Gastineau (um, didn’t his career end in like the 80’s?) and making a few investments with your divorce settlement, you might need a reality show to rake in a few measly bucks by the time 2006 rolls around as to avoid the dreaded fate o' burger flipping. This is especially evident as it appears that Lisa has spent most of her divorce settlement AND investment-earned money on bad plastic surgery.

You know, my mom always compliments me on my cheekbones. Except mine are the type of cheekbones that highlight my good bone structure…not the implant kind that look chipmunky. Did you do that on purpose Lisa or are you just storing food to eat when the cameras aren’t rolling? Or is Chipmunk-American part of your ethnic background? Did somebody at your plastic surgery clinic forget to tell you that Michael Jackson is not a popular choice for a nose job muse? Sorry my little newsflash is obviously too late. Better luck with that next time.

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa…need I also remind you that you’re OLD and you’re a mom? You know that 22 year old girl you run around with drinking, gossiping and talking about your love life? You know…the one who spells her name “Brittny?” Yeah, she came out of your vagina a long time ago…like somewhere around the time you were old enough to pull off those clothes you now try to squeeze your post-menopausal body into. Did you ever hear of the words “boundaries” or “role model?” I'm pretty sure if you look those up in a dictionary it would start off by reading a little something like this 1. not posing with your adult daughter in the nude.

I’m not going to waste my time making fun of Brittny. It’s not her fault she has no personality and absolutely no marketable skills. Those are usually traits that come from good genetics and a decent upbringing. By watching the show it’s pretty evident she's experienced neither. She does have decent hair. That might count for something if “hair” is now considered a redeeming quality.