Monday, July 31, 2006

YOUR 15 MINUTES: FatAss Federation of Amerika (FAFA)

Today is a real shit sandwich of a day. It's oppressively hot, which means I'm sweating, and I'm a little tired from the weekend, as you may have noticed!

But speaking of sweat and sandwiches, reports that more and more obese people are unable to get full medical care because they are either too big to fit into scanners, or their fat is too dense for X-rays or sound waves to penetrate.

I may be either completely out of line or very progressive in my thinking, but perhaps we really should start some sort of unilateral group to push the envelope here in America. We'll call it FAFA (FatAss Federation of America), and we'll make cute little membership cards and everything! YAY! I love arts n' crafts!

THIS IS THE BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME! With 64 percent of the U.S. population either overweight or obese, some say it represents a HUGE business opportunity.

Um, the picture above has taken the words right from my mouth. I think Mama Cass said it best when she said "(choking sound)."


MooseHead Spelling Watches Porn

I'm one Tori Spelling story away from my ideal body weight - one more lame story about how sad it is that she'll only inherit less than one million dollars, and I'll puke. I swear. And it will have nothing to do with the 13 Guinnesses and 17 handfulls of green olives I had in the heat yesterday. Honest to God.

And as if her Moosehead doesn't make me sick enough, she had to go tell Giant magazine that she and husband Dean McDermott use to rent HARDCORE porn. OMG I just threw up on my keyboard.'s CEO, Jax Smith, called Page Six to say how proud he was of the celebrity endorsement and promised us a list of what she's watched. But when he called Tori's reps for the OK, "they weren't pleased - they told me not to." Still, Smith has no hard feelings: "We're going to give her free porn for life."

SHIT. I just lost my breakfast on my lap. GREAT! I paid a shitload of money for that organic granola. Ugh, maybe I'll blog about it.


The Passion of the Mel

Old news by now, I suppose, seeing as Mel was arrested on Friday and it's now a lovely Monday morning. But any reason is a good reason to expose Mel Gibson for the anti-Semetic, psycho-Catholic, douche-bag drunkard that he is. Turns out he's been stopped for drunk driving before and gotten off. I guess the officers must hate Jews too.

You've really got to read TMZ's full story on this.

[the cover-up]
[the previous arrests]

Birthday ALARM

Actor Dean Cain (Lois and Clark ) is 40.

Actor Don Murray is 77.
Actor Geoffrey Lewis is 71.
Singer Bob Welch is 60.
Actor Michael Biehn is 50.
Drummer Bill Berry (R.E.M.) is 48.
Actor Wesley Snipes is 44.
Musician Fatboy Slim is 43.
Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling is 41.
Singer Shannon Curfman is 21.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Not a celebrity post, but. . .

Just a note to say that the other 2/3 of Celebrity Hijinx LOVES you, Xine.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Dear Lindsay Lohan,
You reek of unprofessionalism and booze. You are a spoiled brat and a liar. I think I might sue you.
Your Boss

PS. I'm telling your mom!

Here's a letter to Lindsay from her boss:

[click here for a larger version of the letter + source]

It's hard to fake-sick when the paparazzi are watching!

Harry Potter's Magic Wand

These kids grow up fast, don't they? Daniel Radcliffe, aka the Boy Wizard, has agreed to star in a London stage production of Equus, which will require a little dropping o' the trow. We'll all soon see how magic Harry's wand is! Creepily, that dude who plays his uncle in the movies Richard Griffiths, will also star in the show. Nothing like a touch of the old incest to brighten up a theatre production.


YOUR 15 MINUTES: Not In Check

A promising young woman British chess player taking part in a chess tournament in the Czech Republic has died after a mystery fall from her hotel room. Jessie Gilbert, 19, fell Wednesday from the eighth floor of her hotel in the central city of Pardubice. When I saw the first sentence of this story I was like: She must’ve been killed by another tournament member who got rid of her because she was the only person in the way to victory…or she was pushed from the window in a jealous rage after she was caught by the wife of the judge she was sleeping with. I’ve been watching too much Law and Order: SVU/CSI. The story continues with: there are conflicting reports that she could have been sleepwalking and had suffered from depression. Sleepwalking? Depression? No revenge? Affairs? Where’s the plot twist? CNN doesn't know drama. [source]

The Incredible Tattooed Lindsay

Lindsay Lohan added tattoo number four to her body; a tiny white heart between her thumb and index finger. Harry Morton, Lindsay's new boyfriend, was also tattooed during their 3 a.m. visit to a West Hollywood tattoo parlor last week. Harry got a cross tattoo on an unspecified part of his anatomy. It takes a classy lady to get a late-night tattoo with a man she barely knows. You know, it's just always a bad idea -- before you know it, you have "pretty princess" in Japanese tattooed on your back but the real meaning of the symbols are "low-class girl" and you get to walk around with "low-class girl" tattooed across your back as a reminder of that guy you dated for a few months but dumped after you found out he couldn't spell his own name and he might have slept with your fat friend. Lindsay's other tattoos include a star on the inside of one wrist, la bella vita (the good life) on her lower back and a reminder for her body to "breathe" on the inside of the other wrist. I'm sure her insecure ass wanted them to get matching tattoos but when he refused she figured just getting tattoos at the same time was good enough for now. At this rate she should be able to complete a full sleeve by her early 30's. Although if she keeps up her late-night habits and movie set collapsing, she might not make it to her early 30' least not professionally. Although, if she stops receiving movie offers, she'd probably make a good tattoo-parlor receptionist. [source]

Birthday ALARM

Actress Elizabeth Berkley (Showgirls,Saved By The Bell ) is 34.

Actor Darryl Hickman is 75.
Cartoonist Jim Davis (Garfield ) is 61.
Keyboardist Rick Wright of Pink Floyd is 61.
Actress Linda Kelsey (Lou Grant ) is 60.
Singer Jonathan Edwards is 60.
Actress Sally Struthers is 58.
Actress Georgia Engel (The Mary Tyler Moore Show,Coach ) is 58.
Drummer Simon Kirke of Bad Company is 57.
Guitarist Steve Morse of Deep Purple is 52.
Actor Michael Hayden (Murder One ) is 43.
Singer Afroman is 32.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Shiloh Got Waxed...we're not talking baby's first Brazilian

In a preemptive effort to create gossip for the future, Madame Tussaud's wax museum in New York has created a wax baby in honor of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. Gosh, it's been so long since we talked about her I almost forgot she existed. I wonder what she's doing right now. Probably hanging out in a crib somewhere pooping on herself. I digress-- Madame Tussaud's has included her parents, Brad and Angelina, in the sculpture but has decided to leave out her two, older, adopted siblings: Zahara and Maddox. This is obviously a public attempt to view the biological child differently than the two adopted children. Of course once Zahara and Maddox are permanently scared from the public's view of them, the public will blame it on Brad and Angie and then we'll get HUGE cover stories about "what went wrong." I love the "world's sexiest mechanic on meth" look he's going for there. Wax Brad looks like he hasn't been hittin' the showers or the food in Namibia. Grease machine. Wax Shiloh looks like those creepy lifelike porcelain dolls they sell in magazines. She totally got baby collagen injections. I can tell.

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Aren't French People Stupid Enough Already?

An 18-year-old French girl was hospitalized with scaly skin on her legs and hands, appearing unsteady and mentally sluggish.

Now I know that a description like that could be applied a number of ways. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'd describe a vagina as having scaly skin, or some old fart as being unsteady and mentally sluggish. FUNNY only cause this girl was hospitalized for HUFFING MOTHBALLS! Yah... mothballs... like those little white balls my grandmother smelled like. R.I.P.

Doctors found the condition puzzling, especially since the girl's twin sister displayed similar, but less severe, symptoms and there was no family history of the problem. Both girls had been using the mothballs to get high, inhaling air from the bag for about 10 minutes a day because classmates had recommended it. The sicker of the girls also had been chewing half a mothball a day for two months. YUMMERS!

May I recommend chewing half a cow pie instead? You know, otherwise known as cow pats, pasture patties, or meadow muffins. Not a fresh one... wait till it hardens. I hear that shit gets you fucked up!


Time to Start Weighing Purses

Uh huh. You know, this is just like that time my friend told me she'd purchased a brand new
Louis Vuitton bag and never showed me. She'd talk about it like it was real - told me how much it cost and how it was hand delivered to her home with some certificate of authenticity... wonk wonk wonk. Needless to say, I've never seen the bag, and I believe she's given up the charade.
She's admitted to having a knock-off... Triflin' hoe.
So, my question for Leah Remini and Jada Pinkett Smith (fellow Crazitarians... I mean Scientologists) is... Why can't we see TomKats Louis Vuitton? We already know that Suri's certificate of authenticity is a HOAX.
I think we need to start 'weighing purses' (Duh it's the new catch phrase meaning let's dish gossip on celebrities... everyone's using it)
photo source: Popbytes

obvious man vs. latent homosexual

Man Coulter is still on her blazing path of ridiculousness. A couple of small newspapers have dropped her column over the past few weeks. Maybe those who haven't yet should check out Wonkette's transcript of Coulter's appearance this week on Donny Deutsch's show. Under prodding from Deutsch, Coulter repeated on the air something she had told him just before the cameras went on: She thinks Bill Clinton is at least a little bit gay. Her evidence? Well, all those sexual relations he's had with women, of course.

"I think that sort of rampant promiscuity does show some level of latent homosexuality," Coulter explained. Coulter, who said she was "glued" to the Kenneth Starr report about the president, claimed that Clinton didn't know Monica Lewinsky's name "until their sixth sexual encounter," and she finds something "of the bathhouse about that." "It's reminiscent of a bathhouse," she said. "It's just this obsession with your own -- with your own essence." Deutsch, the reasonable one in this particular conversation, asked whether it's possible that Clinton might be "narcissistic" or a "nymphomaniac" without being gay. That’s when I took over the interview…"Well," Coulter responded, "there is something narcissistic about homosexuality, right? Because you're in love with someone who looks like you. I'm not breaking new territory here. Why are you looking at me like that?"

I responded, “Oh sorry, I was entranced by the repetitive movement of your Adam’s apple. What were you saying? Wait, my producers are telling me that we don’t have anymore time for your crazy talk. Here’s the name of a good therapist and next time, wear a turtleneck.” [source]


So yesterday, TMZ posted this video of Lindsay CollapsHan, who was chillin' at club Guy in Hollywood with her new boyfriend Harry Morton on Tuesday night. Nothing out of the ordinary here... underage girls, bar hopping... we all know the drill. It's Hollywood - where it's always raining glitter, pussy, and cocaine. It's a lot like my desk job, really.

Then this morning, PageSix reports that Lindsay ended up in the hospital again yesterday. She collapsed because she was "overheated and dehydrated," according to her rep. Strange, I never though alcohol did that. Hmph!

"She was filming in 105-degree weather for 12 hours," her rep added. Lindsay was released after a few hours and had gotten a vitamin B shot.

The life of an underage Starlet is really hard you guys. Seriously. So, I've decided that I'm going to get Lindsay a Get-Better-Soon gift. Something to really LIFT her spirits... ya know?

So, I'm buying her a blinged up coke dispenser ala pendant by Tobias Wong. Every celeb has a star studded dispatching unit for their friend " Mr White Xmas ", but this sophisticated and rather cultured model wins the wearable drug den competition hands down. I like to think of it as jewlery, or in this case the Cok-er Chocker. It's neat, it's golden and it comes with an all too cute baby spoon. This should do the trick!


Birthday ALARM

Singer Juliana Hatfield is 39.

Actor Jerry Van Dyke (Coach ) is 75.
Actress-director Betty Thomas (Hill Street Blues ) is 58.
Singer Maureen McGovern is 57.
Actress Roxanne Hart (Chicago Hope ) is 54.
Actor Julian McMahon (Nip/Tuck ) is 38.
Comedian Maya Rudolph (Saturday Night Live ) is 34.
Singer Pete Yorn is 32.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Can You Handle It?!

god, please make my next boyfriend be pretty and talented like Justin Timberlake. k?

Yawn, Lance Bass Came Out

Lance Bass, the former 'N Sync heartthrob, reveals that he is gay, in an exclusive interview with PEOPLE.

"I knew that I was in this popular band and I had four other guys' careers in my hand, and I knew that if I ever acted on it or even said (that I was gay), it would overpower everything," says Bass, referring to bandmates Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick, JC Chasez and Justin Timberlake.

"I didn’t know: Could that be the end of ’N Sync? So I had that weight on me of like, ‘Wow, if I ever let anyone know, it's bad.' So I just never did," he says speaking about his sexual orientation for the first time with PEOPLE.

Sounds like damage control to me!

Now, after years of keeping his personal life private, the Mississippi-bred, Southern Baptist-reared Bass, 27, is publicly revealing what he first shared with his friends, then his shocked family.

"He took years to really think about how he was going to tell everyone," says his close buddy Fatone, 29, who was the first 'N Sync bandmate to find out Bass is gay. "I back him up 100 percent."

Having pursued acting, producing and – most memorably – space flight after ’N Sync went on hiatus in 2002, Bass now is looking ahead to new beginnings. He is in a "very stable" relationship with model-actor-Amazing Race winner Reichen Lehmkuhl, 32, and is developing an Odd Couple-inspired sitcom pilot with Fatone in which his character will be gay. This should be good. Now, if JTimberlake would just follow suit, I'd be just fine.


You're a Fag Pervert.. A Fag-Ass Pervert

Incest good - faggots bad. i get the message people.

Here's a clip of an Australian Reporter hitting on Fred Phelps, Jr. and talking to other incestious members of the Westboro Baptist Church (of which 80% of the members are blood relatives - and they're not even from Vermont). via Towleroad

Birthday ALARM

Actor Jeremy Piven (Entourage ) is 41.

Singer Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones is 63.
Actress Helen Mirren is 61.
Actress Susan George is 56.
Actor Kevin Spacey is 47.
Singer Gary Cherone (Extreme, Van Halen) is 45.
Actress Sandra Bullock is 42.
Singer Wayne Wonder is 40.
Actress Kate Beckinsale (The Aviator,Pearl Harbor ) is 33.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Love Connection

Who would you rather date?

Josh Duhamel might be with both of them. I wonder if blondie in the bikini pees her pants on stage... Fergie and her crazy hair must be sooooo sad if Josh really dumped her London Bridge.

YOUR 15 MINUTES: My Blow-Up Buddy and Me

Now I'm a strong supporter of promoting gender equality but do women really need a blow-up doll for companionship? "Buddy on Demand," a blow-up man, was launched on Tuesday to provide women with companionship. Not the kind of companionship a blow-up doll provides men -- the purpose of this doll is to make solo female motorists feel less nervous about driving at night. With this thing women don't have to worry about driving at night, they have to worry about people making fun of them for driving around with a blow-up doll. He fits in a car's glove box, appears at a flick of a switch and when a woman has finished using him, she can just pull the plug and he deflates. Women are now so cowardly they need to drive with a blow-up doll? Does he also fight off attackers? What ever happened to just carrying a handgun? "We're not saying that an inflatable man is the only answer but we do hope it will give women extra confidence and make journeys in the dark less fearful," said Jacky Brown, the spokeswoman for the doll. I don't think "Buddy on Demand" is totally useless though -- I'd blow that thing up and throw him in my front seat so I can drive in the HOV (carpool) lane. [source]

Why Can't I Get Just One Kiss?

Dear Vanessa Minnillo,

Sweetheart, now I know it may be hard for you to keep your hands off your new BF Nick Lachey, but you look like a retard. If you want him to retain his athletic physique, then he's going to need to finish his protein-heavy lunch. And, I know, I know... you want your own protein-heavy lunch (cough), but you lovingly/annoyingly scratched his chin for nearly an entire 30 seconds. You both could chew and swallow your protein in that amount of time.

Vanessa, now I know you and Nick have been together for a while now. I done already seen the Making The Video for Nick's first single that never got any airtime cause it sucked. You two are super cute together, but when this video makes its way around the internet globe, you're going to be the laughing stock of MTV. Even the girls who watch TRL don't cling to their boyfriends like you do.

I really do like you. I just don't want everyone to make fun of you behind your back, even though I just did.

With tons of love and mild disgust,

click here to see Vanessa pining for a kiss. Bitch, you ain't gettin' none.

Oh, P.S. Don't think we're dumb either. We all know you two sat at a window seat on purpose. I also noticed you both looking outside to see what kind of reaction you were getting from passersby. GET A LIFE. START A BLOG, or something.

Birthday ALARM

Actor Brad Renfro is 24.

Actress Estelle Getty is 83.
Actress Barbara Harris is 71.
Bassist Verdine White of Earth, Wind and Fire is 55.
Supermodel Iman is 51.
Cartoonist Ray Billingsley (Curtis ) is 49.
Guitarist Thurston Moore of Sonic Youth is 48.
Country singer Marty Brown is 41.
Actress Illeana Douglas is 41.
Actor Matt LeBlanc (Joey,Friends ) is 39.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Afternoon Unrealistic Expectations of Life

Is it normal for men to play with life-size dolls in public? These two are perfection. It's like Barbie and Ken's last name is Beckham. Yes, that's David Beckham in a white Speedo.I'm totally skipping dinner, going shopping for new shoes and then overdosing on prescription medication because I'll never live like Posh and my boyfriend will never look like that in a white Speedo.

Monday Manliness

This may be old news to some but Lance Armstrong hosted the ESPY awards (ESPN sports awards). I was away on a business trip and of course it was the first thing my manly boyfriend saved on our DVR to watch when I returned home last night. Just a short time ago I pointed out the close, newly-formed relationship between Lance Armstrong, Jake Gyllenhaal and their Brokeback mountain-bikes. Recently, Matthew McConaughey has also joined the group of BFF. There’s been some lingering speculation regarding the sexuality of two of the three: Jake (Toothy Tile) and Matthew (World’s Sexiest Man). Below is a fun, scripted, gay interaction between the three of them at the ESPYs. It’s really refreshing to see Lance Armstrong and his uni-ball on stage making gay jokes.

Survivor: Prison

Richard Hatch, the fat, naked, gay guy who won the first season of Survivor, reported to federal prison last week. He was sentenced to 51 months for tax evasion. He apparently "forgot" to pay taxes on his $1 million winnings and figured nobody would notice. I mean who pays attention to a fat, gay guy who walks around naked/wins $1mil on national TV? That vision of him and his blurred-out butt is still seared into my brain--even though the first season of Survivor was like 100 years ago. Ancient history. We barely had plasma TVs and TiVo back then. There's so many fat, prison and/or gay jokes I could make right now I can't even decide what one to go with. Instead, I’m going to make a simple comment about the efficiency (or lack of) of our judicial system. It took them about 5-6ish years to come up with his 4.25 year sentence. Pay your taxes people. He basically won $1,000,000 just so he could sit in jail for 4+ years. When you factor in the cost of a lawyer, paying back taxes and lost wages due to jail time, it probably cost him money to go on Survivor. [source]

FASHION FIX: Project Knock-Off

Did Keith Michael, one of the designers from the latest Project Runway, plagiarize his audition portfolio? Apparently some of “Keith’s designs” looked remarkably like photos that appear on and! The scandal was uncovered by a Project Runway blog. Fashion-forward Celebrity Hijinx picked up on “plagiarism” as an upcoming trend quite some time ago. You be the jury…was this really a crime of fashion? Keith’s ‘portfolio designs’ are on the left and the ‘real pictures’ are on the right. Bravo hasn’t commented. Keith spoke out against the accusations claiming the portfolio was part of a “research project” where he reviewed fashion trends. Sure, and Pete Townshend (The Who) was really just downloading child pornography as research for his autobiography.

Birthday ALARM

Actress-singer Jennifer Lopez is 38.

Comedian Gallagher is 60.
Actor Michael Richards (Seinfeld ) is 57.
Director Gus Van Sant is 54.
Actor Kadeem Hardison is 41.
Actress Laura Leighton (Melrose Place) is 38.
Actor Eric Szmanda (CSI ) is 31.
Actress Elisabeth Moss (The West Wing) is 24.
Actress Anna Paquin is 24.
Actress Mara Wilson is 19.

Friday, July 21, 2006

HAPPY 1,000!!!!

Dear Celeb Hijinx Readers,

In just six short months, Celebrity Hijinx has reached a milestone of 1,000 posts! Thanks to all of you, this blog has already been more successful than we ever dreamed! To celebrate this success, we are in the process of giving Celebrity Hijinx an extreme home makeover. These nips, tucks and a few major overhauls will hopefully make the site even more enjoyable! Thank you again for your support and stay tuned for more...

dino+julia+xine= celebrity hijinx

This Is The Face of Sobriety in Hollywood...?

... more like: this is your face on drugs - any questions?

Lindsay Lohan denies doing drugs and Courtney Love is supposed to be drug-free due to legal issues. If they're not doing drugs, they need faces immediately!

You Rub My Back, I'll Rub Yours -- Literally

Did George W. Bush meet with beverage leader Jack Daniels before the G8 Summit? Did he mistake the G8 summit invitation for the Delta Kappa Epsilon summer reunion? If Bush dropping the S-bomb while discussing the Middle East with British Prime Minister Tony Blair wasn't enough to make you cringe, the impromptu back massage he gave German Chancellor Angela Merkel will. Nothing like a little old-fashioned American sexual harassment to liven up an annual political summit. Next time, save the Ecstasy and the backrubs for the White House.

Dessarae Bradford: Dark Twisted Puppy

Irish actor Colin Farrell was confronted by a woman who leapt up from the audience as he was taping an episode of "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" on NBC in Los Angeles, a police spokesman said on Friday. No one was hurt during the incident, which happened on Thursday afternoon and was initially thought to be part of a skit, Sgt. Neil Gunn of the Burbank Police Dept. told Reuters. When it became clear that her intentions were less than friendly, the woman was hustled away by the show's security staff. A policeman on the scene advised her not to come back or she would be arrested for trespassing, Gunn said. Entertainment gossip TV show "Access Hollywood" identified the woman as Dessarae Bradford. Access Hollywood, quoting an audience member, said the woman shouted at Farrell, "I'll see you in court," and Farrell replied, "You're insane." Farrell was promoting his appearance in the upcoming movie "Miami Vice," and showed up a few hours later at the film's world premiere. At the after-party, he was flanked by security guards, standard procedure for such events. [source]

Just in case you forgot, Dessarae Bradford is the um...crazy lady (I believe she was a prostitute) who wrote a tell-all called "Colin Farrell: Dark Twisted Puppy" and put it on her Web site. She filed a suit against Colin saying suffered "mental anguish ... panic attacks, aggravation and insomnia" because of his "sexually explicit and menacing" messages and phone calls in 2004 and 2005. She failed a lie-detector test concerning her allegations against Farrell on PAX TV's "Lie Detector" show, but she cussed out the show's host Rolanda Watts and claimed the polygraph was rigged. The suit was eventually dropped. She also wrote a wanna-be dance track and book called "I Fucked Alec Bladwin in his Ass" based on a reported colorful sexual encounter she had with the actor that included strap-ons at least one dog.

Birthday ALARM

Actor Josh Hartnett is 28.

Actor Paul Burke (Dynasty,Naked City ) is 80.
Cartoonist Garry Trudeau (Doonesbury ) is 58.
Comedian-actor Robin Williams is 55.
Comedian Jon Lovitz is 49.
Actor Lance Guest (Lou Grant ) is 46.
Singer Emerson Hart of Tonic is 37.
Actress Vanessa Lengies (Stick It,American Dreams ) is 21.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

YOUR 15 MINUTES: It's Legal To Play House in NC

A state judge has ruled that North Carolina's 201-year-old law barring unmarried couples from living together is unconstitutional. God, it took them long enough.

Here's the story: Deborah Hobbs, 41, says her boss, Sheriff Carson Smith of Pender County, near Wilmington, told her to get married, move out or find another job after he found out she and her boyfriend had been living together for three years. The couple did not want to get married, so Hobbs quit in 2004. State Superior Court Judge Benjamin Alford issued the ruling late Wednesday, saying the law violated Hobbs' constitutional right to liberty. He cited a 2003 Supreme Court ruling that struck down a Texas sodomy law. That ruling showed that "the government has no business regulating relationships between two consenting adults in the privacy of their own home," Jennifer Rudinger, executive director of the ACLU of North Carolina, said in a statement. She added that "the idea that the government would criminalize people's choice to live together out of wedlock in this day and age defies logic and common sense." A Cooper spokeswoman said Thursday that lawyers had not decided whether to appeal. Hobbs said Thursday she was "very happy for myself and for everyone else this law has affected." She added that she hasn't thought about applying for another job with the sheriff's office. Rudinger said that since 1997, the law has spawned about 36 criminal cases in North Carolina. State officials have said the number of people actually convicted under the law -- formally known as the fornication and adultery statute -- is not clear. The law also has been used to deny compensation to crime victims, child custody, health benefits, probation and parole, Rudinger said. The law states, in part: "If any man and woman, not being married to each other, shall lewdly and lasciviously associate, bed and cohabit together, they shall be guilty of a Class 2 misdemeanor." About 144,000 unmarried couples live together in North Carolina, according to the 2000 census. The ACLU says along with North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, Florida, Michigan, Mississippi and North Dakota have laws that prohibit cohabitation.

Aw...not only are my boyfriend and I living in sin in VA, we're also committing a misdemeanor. That's fun. Damn those 200 year-old conservatives. I just don't understand how our relationship is lewd... Just because we didn't "officially" get ALL of our family and friends together (yet) to drink and listen to us say "I do" doesn't mean we don't already live by the values of a married couple. Plus, living alone in a nice condo in the DC metro area gets expensive. Why do conservative people not understand that I have to live with him so I can have a nice house, car, etc. and still have lots of money leftover to buy shoes? [source]

Price of A "World's Sexiest Woman"? 30K

What can you get for $30,000?

2006 C-class Mercedes Benz
A college education (state university)
15 Christian Dior Gaucho Large Saddle Bags
91 tickets to Madonna’s summer tour
A mobile home aka trailer
24,000 Hot Pockets
A date with Esquire's "World's Sexiest" Jessica Biel

Jessica Biel auctioned herself off to help a teenager who lost her leg in a prom night limousine accident. That's sweet. It would've been sweeter if Jessica just gave the girl $30,000 instead of pimping herself out for charity. I bet she even writes it off as a charitable donation on her taxes. [source]

Paris is an Overused Condom

We here at Celebrity Hijinx are slightly preoccupied with condoms today, and anything we can get our hands on that in any way relates to condoms, we're posting it. HAHHAHA get it? Anything we can get our hands on!! Condoms!! That's rich.

Speaking of contraceptives, Paris Hilton says she cries sometimes after reading the cruel comments about her posted on TMZ.

In an exclusive interview Wednesday, after finishing a meeting with her publicist Elliott Mintz, Paris agreed to talk to TMZ's Harvey Levin about thousands of messages TMZ users have posted, many of which are, as Hilton says, "mean and sadistic."

This dude actually asked Paris OUT LOUD about such comments as, "Paris is just an overused human condom," "Paris is like a fart in a mitten. You know it's there, you can't stand it, but you can't get rid of it," and "Would you please drop over dead or commit suicide you damn slut."

Paris said "I'm far less promiscuous than any of my friends." As for the infamous sex tape with ex-lover Rick Solomon, Hilton said "I'm judged because of something that an ex-boyfriend did to me. I'm not a slut at all."

She's a real pillar of society. My I remind our readers of a relatively recent post Xine wrote highlighting some very poignant quotes direct from that savagely NASTY mouth on poo widdle pawis.

"You have to make them work for it. I think that's the only way you know if they really want you or just want to be able to brag that they've been with you." - Sister Mary Paris Hilton


YOUR 15 MINUTES: Bush is a four-letter word.

Forget about George Bush not caring about black people, black people don't care about George Bush. Today President Bush urged the Senate to renew a landmark civil rights law passed in the 1960s to stop racist voting practices in the South. Bush said "I understand that racism still lingers in America. It's a lot easier to change a law than to change a human heart. And I understand that many African-Americans distrust my political party. I consider it a tragedy that the party of Abraham Lincoln let go of its historical ties with the African-American community. For too long, my party wrote off the African-American vote, and many African-Americans wrote off the Republican Party. I come from a family committed to civil rights. My faith tells me that we are all children of God -- equally loved, equally cherished, equally entitled to the rights He grants us all." Unless you're Iraqi, of course. Oh, or gay. Does anyone still trust this guy? [source]

Car Crashes Are The New Black

Daniel Baldwin was hospitalized Wednesday after his speeding car crashed into two vehicles parked on a Los Angeles street, police said. God, how many Baldwins are there? The actor (he's an actor? really?) complained of back and neck pain and was taken to UCLA Medical Center, said Officer Jason Lee, a police spokesman not the actor. Lee said Baldwin did not appear to be seriously hurt. Authorities said a female passenger, whose name was not released(you can just call her indiscriminant starfucker) was not hurt. Lee said Baldwin, 45, was driving with a suspended license. The actor was detained at the hospital while police investigated the crash, Lee said. Of course, a hospital spokeswoman said she could not confirm that the actor had been treated there. I don't know why they even bother contacting the hospital. The hospital spokesperson is either going to say they "can't confirm" or "nobody by that name is being treated." We've already seen both. Lee said police saw Baldwin's car traveling about 80 mph on the city's west side shortly before 1 p.m. No report on whether or not he was also driving a 1995 Saturn clunker like Hayley Lee Oswald or Donny Jo Osmond or whatever his name is. Baldwin's car reportedly weaved in and out of traffic and ran a red light before striking two parked vehicles. The speed limit in the area is 35 mph, police said. Damn, 80 mph in a 35mph zone--they don't even need to do a blood test -- he was definitely smoking crack. One of the vehicles, a Hummer, was pushed about 20 feet by the impact, Lee said. I wonder if Lindsay Lohan can outdo this car accident before the end of today...[source]

Duff Showin' Her Stuff on Broadway

Haylie Duff started a new gig on Broadway as the snotty Amber Von Tussle in Hairspray. I think Broadway is a great place for Haylie -- I don't doubt she's talented but she just doesn't have that Hollywood-look if you know what I mean... That bouffant really does wonders for her nose! Here's Hayley before/after Dr. 22314 (me) performed a virtual nose job on her:I like that Hayle isn't blonde and anorexic like her sister and every other girl trying to be famous but I think she'd be so much cuter if she would have someone remove that extra nose on her face. Right now she's more appalling than appealing.

FASHION FIX: JRM for Versace

Jonathan Rhys-Meyers will be the new face of Versace this fall:

"Jonathan represents everything that is great about this Versace men's collection. He has all the trademark elements of Versace style--sensuality, individuality, mystery and glamour but he also underlines what is new about the Versace man next season. This is a man who is strong and masculine but at the same time more in tune with his feelings and not afraid to show them; this is a man who is sensual rather than overtly sexy."

They forgot the trademark element of GAY. Very, very hot but very, very, secretly gay. Oh, and uncircumcised. That doesn't matter though because he's not the new penis of Versace...just face...and hopefully some upper torso.

Anorexia Chronicles: New Nose, New Body

What is happening to Ashlee Simpson's body?
She suddenly got all Olsen on us. Did Ashlee trade in ALL of her bumps? Ashlee should’ve bid farewell to the bump on the nose long ago but the other bumps should've stayed. They were nice.

Fall Down, Go Boom

If you're having a real shit sandwich of a day... watch this.
It should do the trick.

thanks siobhan!

Nicole Richie Literally Shopped Until She Dropped

Nicole reportedly fainted while doing a little retail therapy. Richie — who has admitted that she’s too thin but has denied that she has an eating disorder — collapsed while browsing at Kitson, a chic LA boutique, on July 15, according to Life & Style. “She was looking through a rack of clothes when she suddenly fainted and hit the floor,” an “eyewitness” told the mag. “The staff helped her to a chair and offered her something to eat. She shot back, ‘No!’ and mumbled something about it being ‘so hot.’” Although Richie turned away food, she did accept a glass of water, reports the mag, and after about 20 minutes “was steady enough to leave.” [source] I recently almost-fainted at JC Penney. Can you imagine those headlines? It had nothing to do with being hungry. I went to my pharmacy and decided to stop by the ghetto mall next door. I parked my car in the closest spot and then walked through the mall. The mall was EXTREMELY hot, I started to get weak and started to head back to my car. While I was walking through JC Penney, the quickest way to my car, I was thisclose to fainting so I went into the dressing room, took off my shirt and sat down for a minute. It definitely wasn't the highlight experience of my life but it had nothing to do with my eating disorder. I almost fainted in Kitson once too. The night before was rough and I wasn't feeling 100%. Kitson is small and cramped. I ended up going out to my car and sitting with the roof down so I didn't throw up. I almost-faint a lot. I could go on and on with almost-fainting stories. I should carry smelling salts in my purse. So anyway, do Nicole Richie's hobbies include anything other than shopping and long walks on the beach?

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Public Service Announcement

Ceasar's Palace in Las Vegas is in deep shit right now. Why you ask? As it turns out, Caitlin Kilcoyne, 5 years-old, was visiting the hotel with her parents when she happened upon a used condom, and put it in her mouth. Uh huh, she put it IN HER MOUTH.

Claiming that their daughter discovered the used condom in a hotel bed and then put the rubber in her mouth, the parents are suing Caesar's Palace for negligence and emotional distress. According to a lawsuit filed July 13 in Clark County District Court, five-year-old Caitlin Kilcoyne found the condom during a July 2004 Sin City visit with her parents Gerald and Jacqueline. Caitlin "found a used condom in the made up bed in her room...and placed the condom in her mouth," notes the complaint, a portion of which I've pasted below. The Kilcoynes say that, following the incident, they incurred expenses for medical treatment, hospitalization, x-rays, drugs, and "evaluation and treatment of Caitlin's condition." The complaint seeks in excess of $10,000 in damages.

Now, call me forward-thinking, I dunno... but wouldn't you be proud of your little tike... already thinking about being safe and using precaution? God... it's like, we'd be all over her ass if she were being unsafe - but rest assured... this little girl already knows the benefits of things like dental dams, and i'm sure the next time she performs fellatio, she'll do it with a condom on.


AND... I want our readers to know that you should not put other people's used condoms in your mouths. A PSA brought to you by your friends at Celebrity Hijinx. Carry on.


I See Drunk People

Actor Haley Joel Osment was hospitalized early Thursday after he apparently lost control of his car while heading to his Los Angeles-area home, authorities said. Osment, who was nominated for an Academy Award for his role in "The Sixth Sense,"was driving a 1995 Saturn about 1 a.m. when the car collided with a brick pillar and flipped, said Los Angeles County sheriff's Lt. Greg Sisneros. The 18-year-old actor was awake and talking following the crash, Sisneros said. He had been alone in the car and was taken to Huntington Hospital in nearby Pasadena. Sisneros had no information on his condition, and an emergency-room receptionist said no one under that name was at the hospital. [source]

Why the hell was he driving a 1995 Saturn? If I had to drive a 1995 Saturn I'd collide with a brick pillar too. I guess that show business stuff doesn't pay THAT well...

Celebrity Clone: Hell's Kitchen Edition

Here's a picture of Keith, a contestant on Hell's Kitchen and Sloth from the Goonies. These two both look like they were scraped off the bottom off an oven in hell's kitchen. Isn't it a requirement that all chefs must be hot? least on TV? Starting now, everyone who cooks food for me must look like Christiano Ronaldo. Keith Age 28
From South Hampton, NY
Occupation: Chef/Bartender/Hell's Kitchen Contestant

[source - Thanks Colleen and Deb H!!!]

Paris Hacked

Did Paris Hilton hack Lindsay Lohan's BlackBerry?

This week, according to Lohan's rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, someone stole the password to her BlackBerry and sent her friends "disgusting and very mean messages that everyone thought were coming from Lindsay. They weren't. We now have her lawyers looking into it. Some people think Paris may have been involved because the wording of the messages sounds very familiar."

Of course Elliot "I lie so much I believe myself" Mintz
said: "I'm saddened this happened to Lindsay. I lived through this with Paris two years ago when her Sidekick was hacked into, and the loss of privacy is unbearable. But as for any suggestion that Paris would have anything to do with this, that is silly, untrue and unfortunate."

I think it would be pretty easy to figure out if Paris hacking into a BlackBerry because she has an extremely limited vocabularyl. "That's Hot. Your not. (I know that's wrong--she doesn't) Cunt. Hey. Bitch. I'm shy. Where's Nicky. That's hot. That's hot. That's hot." When her Sidekick was hacked we also learned she can't spell. Paris would do this. Although her hackers were criminally charged, Paris thinks she's above the law. I'm sure she'll just tell the investigators it was "a joke" and they would believe her. Paris can't go to jail because there's really no other famous people that do as much stupid stuff as Paris. No stupid stuff=nothing for Celebhijinx to write about. [source]

Questionable Quotes: Britney Spears

Here's some rambling from a Stream of Consciousness on Britney Spears' website:

Tiger! Tiger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry.
-William Blake

"In some ways, people are a lot like animals. I'm mesmerized by tigers. Their eyes, their stripes, their constant quest for survival. They almost have a sense of mysteriousness about them. They pull you in and make it difficult to look away. They make you wonder what is behind their gaze. A sense of eerie awe comes over you in their presence. The fear they give you when you pass them is stunning. Behold the beauty of the tiger."

Oh the mysteriousness! I'm sure this was Britney's attempt to show Kevin that she's deep. She figured Shar doesn't read poetry and then write profoundly meaningful passages in response to her feelings...she's black y'all...she doesn't read or write. Brit wanted to remind Kev that he's lucky to have such a smart, philosophical wife. …and she wanted to remind the rest of us that she’s still an emotional mess. If she wasn't pregnant I'd say she was drunk when she wrote this. Although, she's "country" and if "country" people drive with their babies on their laps, I'm sure they drink with babies in their stomachs. [source]