Friday, April 28, 2006

YOUR 15 MINUTES: No Common Sense

Carlos Legrand took e-bay literally, I guess. He used the online auction site to buy lab equipment and chemicals to manufacture the drug Ecstacy, also known as "E." Beginning last year, Legrand began purchasing flasks, chemicals, a "motorized tablet press," thermometers, a hotplate and a "melting point apparatus" from assorted eBay sellers and the Drug Enforcement Administration was watching. Any good drug manufacturer know not to buy stuff like this in a way that is traceable....and ebay is like the most traceable way of all! I'm glad he got shut down before he started because with his lack of common sense and smarts, he'd probably make shitty pills. Of course, the buyer had a perfect feedback rating with sellers, describing dinero9760 as an "awesome customer" and "always a pleasure."

Just for fun, here's a double stack YOUR 15 MINUTES:

William Bethel, 24, of the Lower Southampton Township area in Pennsylvania is a delivery man. He delivers Dominos Pizza. And dead bodies. In the same car. Bethel was pulled over for a missing inspection when cops noticed a stretcher in the car along with garbage and wet clothing next to the pizza he was delivering. When cops asked him about it he said that he delivers Dominos and when he's done he picks up corpses to drive to funeral homes. Tasty. Apparently, according to health officials, the use of a car to carry "stiffs and slices" is not a violation of county ordinances. Yeah, that's probably because you don't find freaks driving around dead bodies and pizza everyday. Someone should really look into that. Develop an ordinance or something. A federal law. Anything. I never really thought about sanitation issues regarding delivery drivers' cars. I think I might opt for that whole "it's not delivery, it's DiGiorno" thing the next time I have a pizza craving. [source]

One Lucky Bastard Blind Vice

How does one describe Chumpy Lumpy? He's not hot, hell, no. He's almost cute, in that "neighbor who feeds your cat and leaves a smiley note on the counter" sort of way. Chumpy's the guy your sister would describe as "supernice." But if you asked your sibling if she wanted to do him, she would swat you with her nail polish, roll her eyes and start talking about how hot Johnny Depp is. Regardless, get a hold of the following:

The rumors that Mr. Lumpy is hooking up with semi-famous cable hunk Prance Butt have been around for a little while. Good for Chump, I said to myself. Because, hey, who doesn't like to see a has-been doofus get some play, right? But, jeez, yesterday I found out Chumpy L. is double-dude-dipping. He has been doing the, um, night-shift nooky with yet another famous boob-tube fixture, Sinewy Slim, an utterly buff-ready corn-fed thing who seems to specialize in one-hour schlockedies.

And that was just too much information. I lost my fruit salad (lotta cantaloupe over here at my E! Networks office, I'm tellin' ya!). Why is this happening? I mean, I don't know whether I wanna high-five Chumpy-babe or force him to meet me at Equinox so I can show him how to do crunches. His abs would prolly come back pretty fast, see. I mean, surely he's still somewhat lithe from his physically demanding yesteryears, eh?

And it's not:

This one made my brain hurt a little. I think maybe Chumpy Lumpy is Lance Bass...between the already existing gay rumors, the boyband hints, the "has-been doofus" description and his physically demanding yesteryears. He's been supposedly dating Reichen Lehmkuhl who won The Amazing Race or some shit. Even though that was network TV, could Reichen Lehmkuhl be Prance Butt? I never would've guessed him unless he wasn't already linked to Lance. Ok then who is Sinewy Slim? Ryan Seacrest? Would Ryan Seacrest sleep with Lance Bass? I guess he did kiss Teri Hatcher. Anyway, Ryan seems like he's corn-fed and he definitely specializes in one-hour schlockedies...which I assume schlockedies means "specials" or something to that effect. Ted says "and that was just too much information" which really would be consider Ryan works for E!

Not-So-Ambiguously Gay

Jake Gyllenhaal and Austin Nichols to host SNL this week!

Mah Bad.

I meant to say that the Ambiguously Gay Duo are hosting SNL. I was slightly confused. See, I thought the "A" and "G" across their chests stood for "Austin" and "Gyllenhaal." Again, mah bad.

This weekend's show will air a series of "Saturday TV Funhouse" shorts - a collection of animated segments that have appeared on SNL since 1996.

Duo [] via towleroad

A Lesbian View

This is somewhat of a shocker: Rosie O' Donnell is going to replace Meredith Vieira on The View. I figured they'd go for someone a little..say...younger, thinner and straighter. I think it'll be nice to have a big, fat carpet muncher at the table! I mean that. Sincerely. She really is a strong advocate for gay and lesbian rights/ families. I think she'd compliment Barbara and Joy. I also think she I think has the spunk and the daytime TV credibility to keep the "other" two "hosts" in line. By hosts I mean, Elisabeth Hasselbeck the Bush-supporting, Survivor contestant, football player's wife and Star Jones the gastric bypass, Payless spokeswoman, gay man's wife. [source]

When Celebrities Get Political

Every once in a while DC gets a little dose of celebrity. They're usually here to shoot scenes for some government based movie or they have some sort of political agenda for their charities. People don't come to DC to hang out, especially celebrities. Recently we had Angelina Jolie doing whatever it is she does, Reese Witherspoon at Burger King, Ryan Phillipe in a park in Vienna, Jessica Simpson "lobbying" and last but not least, Anna Nicole Smith at the Supreme Court. Yesterday, George Clooney was at the National Press Club, with Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Sam Brownback discussing ongoing genocide in Darfur. How political of him. He's actually a rather articulate guy which almost makes me not want to slap him when he does that little smirk.

Birthday ALARM

Actress Jessica Alba (Dark Angel ) is 25.

Actress Marcia Strassman (Welcome Back, Kotter ) is 58.
Actor Paul Guilfoyle (CSI ) is 57.
Tonight Show host Jay Leno is 56.
Singer-bassist Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth is 53.
Actress Bridget Moynahan is 35.
Actor Chris Young is 35.
Actress Elisabeth Rohm (Law and Order ) is 33.
Actor Jorge Garcia (Lost ) is 33.
Actress Penelope Cruz is 32.
Actor Nate Richert (Sabrina the Teenage Witch ) is 28.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Denise's Divorce Drama: III

We first we heard the accusations: child (-ish) porn, abortion requests, ect. Then we saw the trascripts of the voice mail messages where Charlie called Denise a "fucking nigger" and a "dickface" and all kinds of fun stuff. Then we saw the *gasp* kiss between Heather Locklear's soon-to-be-ex Richie Sambora and Denise. Denise was supposed to be Heather's friend. That bitch!
Now sources are saying that Heather is pissed. According to a friend, she "thinks Denise is the worst kind of woman — a backstabber. She wants nothing to do with her ever again.” There's apparently some history here and a few question marks arise at to whether Richards and Sambora were an item before his split with Heather. The Sheens and the Samboras were neighbors in Westlake Village, a ritzy area in Los Angeles’ San Fernando Valley. Another insider says, "Denise was the one who told Heather to file for divorce. Now it looks like she had an ulterior motive.” After both couples split, the hubbys moved out while the wives stayed in the houses. This sounds like it could be a nightmare neighbor situation. I bet Heather won't be a witness for Denise in divorce court. [source]

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Put This In Your Butt And Smoke It

That's right folks - Love Labs brings us - DRUMROLL PLEASE... the iBuzz, the musical orgasm machine.

Just plug one end of this baby into your iPod, and the other end into, well into either your BUTTHOLE or your VAGINA.

I guess it's not really for your BUTTHOLE but that would be funnier.

"The music-activated vibrating bullet stimulates you in time with your favourite music. Which song pushes your buttons?"

"It plus into any music player to let you enjoy your music like never before."

I can see it now - I'm sitting at my desk in my office, listening (or what appears to be listening) to my iPod when without a moment's notice, Ludacris' "What's Your Fantasy" comes on. I'd have to hightail it to somewhere private to, you know, cause that bass be THUMPIN'!

iBuzz [Love Labs] via Queerty

Paris-ite's Parasite

I often sit back and ponder what Axl Rose is doing with his life at any given moment. You may laugh, but I'm serious. Like what does Axl Rose do on a random night on the town? Does he hang out in trendy places in cities or can you find him at a dive bar doing karaoke to old Guns N Roses songs and a room full of ladies who still dress like they’re in the 80’s? My question was answered this morning by PageSix when they reported Axl was recently at Stereo seated near Fake Paris Hilton and NBA star Stephon Marbury. Yes, fake Paris Hilton is still pretending to be Paris Hilton. I thought it was cute for about 2 seconds during Fashion Week but this is starting to get really pathetic and a little scary. Her Paris Hilton freeloader ability allowed her to score a table in between a has-been (Axl) and a basketball player (Stephon). I guess this could possibly be a prime seat depending on how desperate one is for fame. Well her little plan worked perfectly until owner Michael Satsky approached fake Paris (former scores stripper and rumored prostitute Natalie Reid) and her sizable entourage, he realized "Paris" was a fraud. She was not only escorted out but was also permanently banned from the club.

If Natalie would just give up this charade, be herself, continue buying expensive clothing and accessories and make some connections with people in the nightlife scene she could be her own little version of Paris without acting like year-round Halloween. She could then get into Stereo and although she probably wouldn't have a table next to Axl Rose or Stephon Marbury, she would still be able to socialize there. Natalie sounds like she might have just as many non-existant brain cells as the real Miss Paris.

In other news, we all know Paris can’t master simple grammatical concepts like the difference between “your” and “you’re” but what I didn’t know is that she can’t even conceptualize how to open a car door. Look at her, she’s completely wedged in between that open door and the other car. She’s probably panicked like “this is so NOT hot.” I wonder if she set off an alarm on the other car.

Just for fun -- here's an oldie but goodie


Birthday ALARM

Singer-guitarist Travis Meeks of Days of the New is 27.

Singer Kate Pierson of The B-52's is 58.
Singer Herbie Murrell of The Stylistics is 57.
Actor Douglas Sheehan (Knots Landing) is 57.
Guitarist Ace Frehley (Kiss) is 55.
Singer Sheena Easton is 47.
Actor James Le Gros (Ally McBeal) is 44.
Bassist Rob Squires of Big Head Todd and the Monsters is 41.
Singer Mica Paris is 37.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Post-Menopausal Playboy

Ok, maybe she's not THAT old but Cindy "Most Downloaded Woman" Margolis decided now, at 40 years of age, it's time to pose for Playboy....something about it being empowering at her age...

What should empower her ass is the fact that they still want her. I haven't thought about her for like 10 years. She must be out of money.

Afternoon Fun

Let's play a game...

What do you see in the picture below --
I bet none of you said Tisha Campbell's lips. Tisha, who? I know, she was on Martin and some other shows. That's not important. What's important is that someone is walking around with lips like this. Now I'm not totally against lip enhancers, I'm just against them when they're used in this fashion. Her lips are so swollen they're keeping her from opening her eyes. She looks like she had an unfortunate bee sting accident or was repeatedly punched the mouth. Maybe she just asked her doctor for fish lips or swollen-labia face.
Just in case you're blind, here's a larger view:

Aloha Jail

Michelle Rodriguez may be delightfully butchy at times but that doesn't mean she'll be cleaning garbage off the side of the road anytime soon. Michelle said 'no way jose' to 240 hours of community service and opted to spend 5 days in jail for her most recent DUI. Smart woman. She could either work for a month at some community center or spend 5 days in a locked cage with a hawaiian woman. A lesbian hula dancer. Just the two of them. For five days. Tan. Hot. Locked up. This is the thing girls like her dream about. [source]

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Serial Barfer

Just in time for lunch -- here's an interesting story for a ripped-from-the-headlines CSI:

Sheriff's deputies in Henry County (Iowa) are stuck in the middle of a less than appetizing investigation. Investigators are trying to find the person who has dumped bags of what appears to be human vomit in ditches in a 1 1/2-mile area northeast of the city. Deputy Dan Wesley said as many as 50 garbage and trash bags containing regurgitated food have been dumped over the past three years. Bags, ranging in size from small white trash bags to large black lawn bags, have been found with only a couple of inches of the substance in them, Wesley said. Why are they even looking in these bags? It's a garbage bag hence it has trash in it. That trash belongs in the garbage. If the bag isn't in the garbage, just move it to the garbage. No need to go on a treasure hunt.

Don't worry -- these crazy Iowan cops know their forensics. They've already sent a sample to the lab for anaylsis. They haven't found any DNA yet nor do they have any suspects. I think the best place to start would be by looking for a local bulemic. Or some creep with a vomit fetish. A bulemic held captive by a skinhead with a vomit fetish. Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan dressed as a skinhead with a vomit fetish holding herself captive. [source]

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Why Some Christian Perspectives SUCK

Today marks the 10th national Day of Silence - an 8 hour silent protest sponsered by GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network) that intends to "peacefully bring attention to the pervasive problem of anti-lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) bullying and harassment in schools."

Students across the country that are participating will speak only through the use of speaking cards that echo the silence faced by LGBT students. At the end of the day, the schools will participate in Breaking the Silence rallies, to carry their message.

Of course, who could do without The Day of Truth, a youth movement made up of Christian students and "former homosexuals," that takes place tomorrow!! This day was "established to counter the promotion of the homosexual agenda and express an opposing viewpoint from a Christian perspective." They offer resources for those interested in participating... including a PDF entitled, "Homosexuality FAQ sheet" provided by Exodus International (a ministry promoting hate for many many years!!)

It's good to know that all these closeted homos have this much time on their hands... I mean seriously, they've managed to organize a whole fun-filled day to purge their gay feelings...

I still know they're all gay.

The Revelation of a Blind Item

Remember this blind item:

A Hollywood superstar performed a sex act on himself while enjoying a massage, a hotel worker has claimed. The American A-list actor is said to have dropped his towel and exposed himself to the stunned masseuse. The woman claimed he then carried out the “disgusting” act in front of her in the hotel spa. The star - who cannot be named for legal reasons - was on a golfing holiday with his wife and staying at the Old Course Hotel in St Andrews, Scotland. […] “Throughout the massage, he kept putting his hand underneath his towel but he never kept it there long enough for me to suspect anything. “Then I moved to the top of his body to massage his head.” She told the tribunal the actor grabbed her wrist forcefully, whipped off his towel, exposed himself and performed the sex act.

Well, it's been confirmed as...DRUM ROLL PLEASE....

Kevin Costner

Here's the story: Hollywood actor Kevin Costner was accused at a British employment tribunal of performing an indecent act as he received a massage at a Scottish hotel. A former spa worker on Tuesday claimed the actor exposed himself and carried out a sex act as she gave him a massage at the Old Course Hotel in Fife, Scotland, in October 2004. Costner was visiting the hotel with his wife. The allegations made by the 34-year-old woman -- who brought a claim for unfair dismissal and sexual discrimination against the hotel -- were not taken seriously by hotel staff, papers said. Costner "This was never about Kevin Costner. It is a dispute between a hotel and an ex-employee," Costner's spokesman Paul Bloch told reporters. Tribunal chairman Nicol Hosie lifted a restriction imposed at an earlier hearing to prevent Costner's identity being revealed (this is why we first saw this in the news as a Blind Item), claiming there was no reason for it to be withheld from reporting. The woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, had agreed to settle her claim against the hotel out of court. [source]

I bet his wife wishes that restriction wasn't lifted...his PR team was doing such a good job at denying it. God, how embarrassing. Oh well, maybe she'll get another diamond ring out of it or something.

Birthday ALARM

Actor Tom Welling (Smallville) is 29.

Actress-comedian Carol Burnett is 73.
Actor Jet Li is 43.
Actor-comedian Kevin James (The King of Queens) is 41.
Fiddler Joe Caverlee of Yankee Grey is 38.
Singer T-Boz of TLC is 36.
Drummer Jose Pasillas of Incubus is 30.
Actress Jordana Brewster (The Fast and The Furious) is 26.
Actress Marnette Patterson (Something So Right) is 26.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Told ya so

Well documented on this site, we've been on the Britney bump watch since February. Now US Weekly is FINALLY on the bandwagon. Turns out that when she found out, she cried her poor little PWT eyes out. Oh really? Like Xine reported?

I feel bad for the kid, I really do. It's going to end up with a cracked-up-skull like li'l SPF (who from the looks of that picture needs a little more SPF on his cheeks). On the bright side, however, we may end up with another sculpture.


Distorted Reality: Kimbery Stewart's Last Brain Cell Jumps Ship

Kimberly Stewart : “I don’t want to toot my own horn but you can actually be hot and well-educated."

Put down the horn, Kim. Seriously, that's not your horn. It's my horn. Put it down. Stop tooting my horn. Don't worry, it's ok. Everything's fine -- you just weren't tooting your horn, that's all.

A Cautionary Tale: Don't Sleep with Loudmouth Jenny Shimizu

Butch-tastic (or maybe I should say bush-tastic) Jenny Shimizu is STILL talking about hooking up with Angelina Jolie 10+ years ago while they were staring in the movie Foxfire, doing heroin and cutting each other with knives. Now she's trying to get all Karrine "Superhead" Steffans on us and is continuing to talk about her sexcapades with other famous people. Of course all of this happened like 10 or more years ago because this woman cannot grasp the fact that she’s a has-been who looks more like this Asian boy who went to my middle school than a former-Calvin Klein model.

"It's most guys' ultimate fantasy to bed Angelina or Madonna. But I'm a girl and I was sleeping with both of them—at the same time. They were both sensational lovers who got incredibly turned on by the touch of another woman." Now don’t be mislead by this comment: Jenny didn’t have a 3 way with Madonna and Angelina...which might be mildly impressive...she was just two-timing them.

Apparently Jenny was Madonna's sex slave, on call 24 hours a day for red-hot action, she ‘married’ David Beckham's one-time mistress Rebecca Loos, made out with Naomi Campbell in 1996 and of course, in case you somehow forgot, she slept with Angelina Jolie. Get a job Jenny! I think Jenny is just waiting for HarperCollins to throw her some money for “Confessions of a 90’s Lesbian Starfucker.” [source]

Doncha Wish Your Pre-Teen Daughter Was Raw Like Me?

I knew it was only a matter of time before someone made a Pussycat Dolls doll. I just didn’t think Hasbro would be responsible for it and I was going with something more along the lines of “blow-up” rather than “Barbie-esque.” Yes, they want to target these dolls, modeled after women who look like tranny prostitutes and sing about being freaks, to the tween market (aka girls 10-14). It’s all part of a master plan: By the time these girls turn 15 they will have enough practice taking tiny, slutty outfits of dolls that they can start practicing on themselves. By the time they turn 18 we’ll have a whole generation of more efficient strippers.

Let's think about this for a second...they're taking a musical group that was essentially founded on a burlesque act (definition: a sexual performance that focuses on tease, humor and innuendo) that performed in clubs for men and women who are old enough to drink alcohol and they are now marketing this to pre-teen and teenage girls. "Brilliant" says the horny Hasbro executive with no young daughters. Nothing like turning burlesque into child's play -- lilterally. Anything for money, right? Daddy can go to the Pussycat Doll Lounge in Vegas and his daughter can stay at home and play with her Pussycat doll. Talk about mass appeal. Now to my next topic -- some people are saying the Pussycat Dolls are the new Spice Girls. My first question is: Why do we need NEW Spice Girls? Didn't we all have our share of that back in 1996? The Spice Girls sang about things like: “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Make it last forever friendship never ends, If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give, Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.” The Pussycat Dolls sing about “Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?” Seriously, I know the Spice Girls are cheesy and all but “don’t you wish your girlfriend was raw like me?” I don’t know where they were originally going with those lyrics but it makes me think of one of their slutty-looking asses all bent over a table getting banged by an endless line of guys. You know, raw in that Paris Hilton kind of way. So no, PCD, I bet my boyfriend doesn’t wish I was raw like you. I just hope they don’t try to put talentless hags in a tacky little movie a la Spice World. The only places these girls belong are on a pole or in a porn. [source]

The Infangelina

Damn the pesky paparazzi and this damn Infangelina!
I know it's the stuff fairy tales are made of - beautiful ICE princess meets her prince charming (who by the way was happily married). They meet on snow-dipped mountaintops (more like the namibian desert but i'm working with the poster above) and there they conceived a child. They named her, Infangilina, queen of
all primetime television.
the end.
[pic from starletto]
might I add that Xine came up with "Chronicles of Namibia" first!!!

Denise's Divorce Drama: Part Deux

ET Online acquired some pictures of Denise Richards making out with Heather Locklear's soon-to-be ex-hubby, Richie Sambora. When told about the pictures, Sheen responded, with, "Those two give love a bad name." Aww...isn't he just so witty and precious with that Bon Jovi lyrics reference?!? Anyone interested in those pics? No? Me either. Now if we could get our grubby little hands on some Denise Richards/Heather Locklear pictures that would be fun.

To whet your insatiable appetite for ongoing drama, here's the transcript of six voicemails crazy crackhead Charlie left for Denise. I was going to highlight the really fun stuff but it's actually all pretty fun – especially when he calls her a "dick face" and a " fucking nigger" and a "pregnant cunt":

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 11:28 am –
Yeah, I just got Laura’s letter regarding everything blah, blah, blah and I can’t get a hold of my lawyer so I thought I would try to call you directly. Um, it’s really fucking sad. It’s just sad and I am really angry and I don’t think that it’s fucking fair and I know what you’re trying to do and I just ummm am so disappointed in you. I’m so disappointed. You’re such a disappointment. You’re such a disappointment. You’re such a fucking asshole and if this time you want to fucking deal with each other, you know, you’re saying one thing and then you do another and it’s just, you know, fuck you.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 12:46 am –
I guess I should just get used to the fact that you fire off all your nonsense and your lawyer bullshit and your fucking emails and then you don’t answer the phone and you know, you don’t have the fucking courage or that wherewithal to confront me or deal with me or just be fucking honest and forthright and I guess I just gotta stop being disappointed by that because that’s just who you are and what you do and I guess once I accept that I won’t be frustrated by your chicken shit fucking behavior so whatever. I’m just really fucking mad and you owe me a phone call. Okay. Cause again if I did the same shit to you, you’d be fucking furious. Alright so whatever.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 1:00 pm –
Yeah, I just got your other email and I am a little confused because ahhh you told me that was something you only told a couple people and this and that and I just again you continue to be deceitful and mischievous and sneaky and you’re a fucking liar. You’re a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell. So fuck you. I hope I never talk to you again you fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger so fuck you.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 4:08 pm –
Hey I am going to go home early so if you wanted to come back early go ahead. I juts hate to leave early and then you come home and then I hear from Laura in a letter that costs me you know five grand that you know I didn’t let you know I was leaving early. So I’m gone leave early. Okay? Dick face. That’s what I’m gonna do. Good–bye.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 5:41 pm –

You know if you don’t have the balls or the courage to fucking call me back after you do your sniveling fucking bullshit crap through your fucking sniveling bullshit lawyer. Two pregnant cunts like plotting against the rest of us. I think it’s just fucking low you can’t even like return my fucking call. You know, it just says so much about you. It just says so much about who you are and I’m just not surprised anymore. Okay. So whatever. I hope I never talk to you again. You’re a fucking creep. Fuck you.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005 12:50 pm –
You need to call me back. Okay. I need to figure out when I am gonna see Sam. What’s going on there. You can’t do these things and then hide. Okay. So I am going to meet my lawyer today I’d like to talk to you ahead of time because there’s some things that you did that I need to know about to discuss so the least you could do is give me the courtesy of a phone call and don’t be a fucking coward asshole. If I was doing this to you, you’d be living. Okay. So, I’m gonna start doing some shit and you know, have fun getting a hold of me. Okay. If this is how you want to play, fine. Call me.

Stuff like this is fun because Charlie just did all the work for me. He said enough that I really don't have to make any comments at this point. [source]

Birthday ALARM

Actor Al Pacino is 66.

Actor Jeffrey DeMunn (The Green Mile) is 59.
Actor Hank Azaria (The Simpsons) is 42.
Singer Andy Bell of Erasure is 42.
Bassist Eric Avery of Jane's Addiction is 41.
Former Early Show host Jane Clayson is 39.
Actress Renee Zellweger is 37.
Actor Jason Lee (My Name is Earl) is 36.
Actor Jason Wiles (Third Watch) is 36.
Singer Jacob Underwood (O-Town) is 26.
PEN15 President Jordan is 24.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Maury Perv-ich?

Maury "You ARE/ARE not the father" "Mr. Connie Chung" Povich and three of his producers are being slapped across their talkshow faces with a $100 million lawsuit. Bianca Nardi, 28, alleges she was forced to expose herself in the studio for crude videos that were shown to guests of the show, that Povich's relationship with a female producer created a hostile workplace that was abusive to women and that a male producer asked her to secretly videotape her attempts to seduce married men.

The suit alleges that executive producer, Paul Faulhaber, ordered Nardi to dress in short skirts and low-cut blouses, wear hidden television camera microphones, and "secretly videotape married men agreeing to have sex with her." Nardi also alleges the sexually hostile workplace was the result of Povich's "longtime, intimate and sexual relationship" with co-defendant Donna Benner Ingber, another producer. More scandal! Apparently Bianca says Ingber "used her position and relationship" with Povich, other producers were openly resentful and hostile in the workplace, the suit said. Nardi said she was forced to do part of Ingber's job or be fired.

I definitely don't advocate for sexually hostile workplaces. I agree it's illegal but let me break something down for you: ok, first of all if your name is Bianca, even though it's not your fault, you already sound like a slut. Secondly, you work for the Maury Povich know the same show that highlights, for "entertainment purposes" the lives of men who have children with 6 different women and then come on the air for DNA tests and then still refuse to pay child support...yeah, that's trash TV not 60 Minutes news. If you want a serious job, don't work for a talk show that has topics like "guess if this is a man or a woman" or "I'm 14 and I cheated on your and now I don't know if you or your brother is the father." The show has been on 15 years. I'm pretty sure everyone knows what's going on with that show by now: I was watching those "decoys" try to seduce married men while I was still in middle school. Now, as a serious business woman (blogger on the side) who is a few, fabulous-yet-highly-experienced years younger than this Miss Bianca Nardi, I'm going to tell you something: when this issue comes up in the workplaces, you figure out a way to deal with. Any normal, rational woman would get out of this situation before it would ever come down to a $100 million lawsuit. If you stuck around for $100 million worth of damages then you have some serious golddigging.

NBC states: "We do not believe that Ms. Nardi was a victim of unlawful sexual harassment and intend to defend this lawsuit vigorously. NBC Universal is committed to maintaining a workplace that is free of discrimination and harassment." [source]

Addicted to the Puss

Robin Williams on the rumor that he's gay:

"I'm a big fan of the puss. Always addicted to puss. Came from one."

And hopefully put it IN one too! Don't you think? I mean, the guy's what, in his sixties...

I digress.

[pic source]

FASHION FIX: A Whole Bunch of No's

Nicole Richie never ceases to amaze me...she's the only girl I know of who can repeatedly pull off looking like an 11 year-old and 80 year-old all at the same time: She's also starting to remind me of another celebrity...

Do you think she was going for this look or did it just happen by accident?

Denise's Divorce Drama.

Denise Richards is claiming former hubby Charlie Sheen did the following:

  • "belonged" to "disturbing" sites "which promoted very young girls, who looked underage to me with pigtails, braces, and no pubic hair performing oral sex with each other
  • Other sites visited by Sheen involved "gay pornography also involving very young men who also did not look like adults."
  • Sheen called her a series of vulgar names in front of the children
  • told her she was "fucking with the wrong guy"
  • shoved her to the ground and screamed, "I hope you f--king die, bitch
  • His online profile included a photo of "his erect penis."
  • Sheen "belonged to several sex search type sites" on which he "looked for women to have sex with."
  • urged her to abort their first child
  • And last but not least, when she was about to give birth to their second child via a C-section, Sheen's attention was "diverted to his pager for the results of his betting."

What else did you expect from Charlie Sheen in a husband role? Sounds like these two should take a little trip from Hollywood to Jerry Springer.

Sheen denies all of it, of course. His comeback is that his wife is running a "transparent smear campaign." How transparent of him to say that. Sheen claims the abuse allegations were "a heinous document of fiction" meant to "torpedo" and "discredit" him. He also claimes his ex-wife's charges against him were "a reaction to a failed marriage" and were intended to "undermine my perception as a responsible father." Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah. Good one even if he didn't have that decade-long lingering reputation as a prostitute/drug/gambling addict I still probably wouldn't believe him. Does anyone really think Denise Richards didn't know what she was getting into? Honey, please...tell it to the courts because I'm done listening. [source and source]

Beginning of a Bad Joke

This looks like the beginning of a bad joke...

Lindsay Lohan, Karl Lagerfeld and Cher walk into a bar... You can finish it off if you'd like..

Birthday ALARM

Actor Eric Balfour (Conviction) is 29.

Actress Shirley MacLaine is 72.
Actress-singer-director Barbra Streisand is 64.
Drummer Doug Clifford (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 61.
Actor Eric Bogosian is 53.
Actor Michael O'Keefe (Roseanne) is 51.
Bassist David J (Love and Rockets, Bauhaus) is 49.
Bassist Billy Gould (Faith No More) is 43.
Actor-comedian Cedric the Entertainer is 42.
Drummer Patty Schemel (Hole) is 39.
Drummer Aaron Comess of the Spin Doctors is 38.
Actress Melinda Clarke (The O.C.) is 37.
Singer Kelly Clarkson (American Idol) is 24.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Foxx: I am a Douche Bag

Jamie Foxx announced to The Sun newspaper in London, "I am the Savior of R&B"? Oh, REALLY? From where I'm sitting, you look like an assclown. You're not Ray Charles. Get over it.


Happy Friday


Friday Hoff

It's been a while kids, but here you go. Fox TV and some website I've never heard are sponsoring The Search For America's Hottest Dad. Lo and behold, BOTH Hoff and Chuck Norris have video entries! Awesome. Check them out by clicking here .

Too bad it's not for America's Hottest Mom, because Dino and I know somebody's mom sure looks good in latex.

Ugly Lady Lumps

Tara Reid has been photographed running around with her crazy nipple hanging out again. This girl just does not have a clue. I almost want to throw a friday night happy hour pity party for her. Now I'm no cosmetic surgeon or anything, and maybe it's just the angle of the picture, but her nipple looks too far off to the right. I think if she just had someone cut it off and sew it back on a few inches over to the left, it would look much better. I know she's familiar with this procedure. Below is my very amateur sketch. Surgery along with a sturdy bra and a shirt that wasn't ripped off a cheap, Vegas stripper might actually help her out a bit because she isn't looking as rough in the face as she used to.

More Desperate, Talentless Bitches

My recent guilty pleasure has been Bravo’s new show called “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” although a more appropriate title would probably be “The Really Desperate, Brainless, Insipid Housewives of Orange County who Mainly Look Like 40 year-old Trannies.” After a few DVRed, mind-numbing episodes, I feel as if I now killed enough brain cells to give a little rundown of the show. See, the OC is an ok show and Desperate Housewives is entertaining at times, but whoever thought that adding those two shows together and multiplying it by reality TV ending in a television equation that ends in an adult version of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County should be tarred and feathered in the middle of Coto de Caza and then shot to death.

In case you commoners don't know this already: Coto de Caza is supposed to be one of America’s wealthiest planned, gated community where houses cost an average of $1.6 million (which in today's market isn't that impressive) and come complete with an equestrian center, tennis courts, etc. I believe the initial concept of this show was to give average Americans a glimpse of “what happens behind the gates” with the "luxurious lifestyles" of five “beautiful” rich women so everyone can be jealous of their lifestyles. After a few episodes I’m now glad these wack jobs live BEHIND gates in their own little zoo. See, they think the gates are keeping us away from them but really we should all be happy that those gates are keeping them away from us. Joke's on you, bitches. So here’s a rundown of the cast provided by Bravo and then of course my viewer opinions follow - which is basically unsugarcoating Bravo...
Kimberly Bryant, 45. Bryant may be the only traditional “real housewife” in the show. She has an executive husband, Scott, who earns enough at his Fortune 200 company so she doesn’t have to work. Her two kids are Bianca, 13, and Travis, 7. Some might say she’s the classic “trophy wife,” with blond hair, a nice figure and breast enlargements. She is also quite articulate, feeds her family organic foods and doesn’t even have a TV connected in the house. She is a fitness enthusiast, devoting several hours a week to mountain biking, hiking and Pilates. She also has a wild side and likes to let loose with her girlfriends on mini-trips. “It’s harmless, it’s delightful, it’s entertainment,” she says about the show. “We’re not curing cancer here.”

First of all, thank God these women aren't curing cancer because we would have a serious heath crisis on our hands. These bitches couldn't cure a ham. There are three blondes on this show. I can barely tell two of them (Kimberly and Lauri) apart because they both look like the same fake, plastic human Barbie. The third one, Vicki, wants to look like a fake, plastic human Barbie but she too much of a pig nose to be able to pull it off. Kim is supposed to be some “trophy wife” but I thought the key to being a trophy wife was to be young and pretty so I’m still trying to figure that thing out. At least she pretends to be one inside her head. She is the only REAL housewive on the show so I give her major credit for that. I believe Kimberly is the one who always hypocritically talks about how she takes such good care of her health – she had five melanomas but she’s still tan and plays tennis in the sun and her fake boobs look like two big rocks hanging off her chest with the potential to cause her to lose her balance and fall forward to the ground at any second. It's happening in the photo above.

Jeana Keough, 51. She’s a former model, actress and Playboy Playmate. She appeared in several ZZ Top videos during the band’s heyday in the 1980s. She married former major league pitcher Matt Keough, and has lived in Coto de Caza for 19 years. The Keoughs have three kids: Shane, 19, Kara, 17, and Colton, 13. Keough is the prototypical mom in the show, guiding Shane toward a possible career in baseball and Kara through cars and grades. Kara is also an actress – she appeared in the movie “Outbreak” in 1995. Keough dabbles in real estate, selling multimillion-dollar homes to Orange County families. She says living in Coto and dealing in real estate “has taken my shopping to a whole new level.” But Keough is realistic about what “The Real Housewives” will and won’t do. “Some of us have something to lose if we aren’t perceived well.”

Jeana is the only wife that doesn’t look like she's had fat sucked out of her ass and injected into her face. She is a tad overweight, brunette and extremely confident. My deskchair psychological analysis of her is that she was attractive when she was young and probably got all of the justification she needed as a model to not turn into some crazed, deformed plastic tranny like the rest of them. At times she seems like a mom who relates well with her children, even if her kids somehow missed some important evolutionary steps and a few chromosomes along the way. At other times she seems like a total mom-ster: at one point she said her son would be considered a failure if he did not make it to the major leagues. She's my favorite.

Vicki Gunvalson, 43. She’s successful, self-made and no nonsense. Gunvalson is one of the country’s top-selling insurance brokers. That allows her to afford a luxurious home in Coto (worth between $3 million and $3.5 million) with a waterfall over the pool. But she rarely gets to enjoy it because of work. Gunvalson is a devout Christian, married for the second time. “I work hard and play hard,” she says. “That’s my motto. I love to have fun.” Gunvalson runs her insurance business out of her home and employs Lauri Waring, another “real housewife.” She has two kids, Briana, 18, and Michael, 20, and tries hard to keep them motivated.

Vicki, the pig snout one, is a hideously insecure, demanding bitch who acts like an idiot and prides herself on thinking she’s a MILF. She’s actually said it aloud...I believe in front of her kids and their friends...more than once. That's like breaking rule #2 in the universal code of MILF conduct. One of the other blonde moms (either Kimberly or Lauri) also talks about being a MILF. What their sad, insecure asses don’t understand is that the term “MILF” should really only be used by 16 year old boys. It’s pretty depressing when 40+ year old women justify themselves on whether or not underage boys, including their children’s friends, think they’re hot.

Lauri Waring, 45. She may lead the least glamorous life in Coto de Caza, but Waring used to live the high life. When she was married, she lived in a nice Coto home. But a recent divorce forced her to downsize her lifestyle and move with her kids to smaller digs. A former model, Waring works for Vicki Gunvalson in her insurance business. She tries to balance work with raising her kids and some semblance of a social life. Her kids are Ashley, 20, Josh, 16, and Sophie, 7. Waring goes to great lengths to maintain her looks, including Botox and plastic surgery. “In Orange County, people just don’t get old,” she says in one of the episodes. “If you want to look 32 forever, that’s the price you pay.”

Lauri is one of the confusing blondes. She is supposedly a former "model" but she looks more like a former Skinimax star than an acutal model of any sort. She says that if you want to look 32 forever, you have to do something about it. She doesn’t plan on ever looking any older than 32. Unfortunately her money has gone to waste because there is NO way anyone would ever mistake her for a 32 year old. Instead of Botox and plastic surgery she should’ve spent her money on things that most parents would; like a lawyer for her juvenile delinquent son. This "glamorous" mom let a public defender try to get him out of juvenile hall. With priorities like hers, it’s no wonder her son is a delinquent and her 20 year-old daughter needs about 6 slaps across the face.

Jo De La Rosa, 24. De La Rosa may be the exception in this group. She’s young and not married – she’s engaged to successful businessman Slade Smiley. She’s also Latina, born in Peru. A graduate of UC Irvine, De La Rosa resists her fiancé’s desires for her to stay at home, watch the kids (from Smiley’s previous relationships) and clean the house.

Ok, I saved the best for last here. I really can’t find any redeeming qualities in Jo so I’m going to go ahead and assume she gives good blowjobs. She apparently works as a "mortgage consultant," which probably means she answers the phone when people call in after they see a DiTech commercial. She looks much older than the 24 years she claims to be. I can assume she’s lived in the US most of her life because she doesn’t have an accent and she’s pretty much an Americanized bimbo who translates the price of everything into the number of Louis Vuitton purses she can buy with the amount of money in question. During one show her fiancée made her dress up in a French maid costume and dust with pledge while he stood around licking his lips going ‘oh yeah’ like a disgusting pig. When he told her to dust with “Pledge” she said “what’s Pledge?” I’m sorry but Hispanics know all about Pledge. Oh come on, she wasn't always wealthy - her parents won the lottery when she was young. But seriously, I have a cleaning lady and I still know all about Pledge. This vapid chica is living proof that just because one has a college education one can still be a brainless bimbo. She is always drinking on the show, assumingly because her fiancée is such a disgusting, nasty man. I give them a few more months before she revolts and goes back to her plastic cup beer drinking frat boy fucking ways. Her fiancée, Slade Smiley, is the most repulsive person I’ve ever seen in my life next to my ex-boyfriend who I think is Slade Smiley's long lost twin. He’s total nouveau rich white trash. He's more like Shade Slimy than Slade Smiley. He treats his fiancée like a submissive, retarded, immigrant sex toy nanny. He drives a Hummer, has a small penis and knows it.

If this is what it 's like to be housewife in Orange County, I'm glad I live in Virginia.

Sexiest Vegetarian!

Is Toby Maguire the World's Sexiest Vegetarian?! He's certainly in the running to land the title as PETA (you know what it stands for) launches its annual online poll. People everywhere can go to PETAs site, and scroll through a list of over 200 vegetarian celebrities, including Nicollette Sheridan, Joaquin Phoenix, Alyssa Milano, and Natalie Portman.

Toby admits, in preparing to shoot Spiderman, he worked out extensively and retained a vigorous, protein-intensive diet, one which didn't include beef, because of his vegetarian stance. "I'm a lacto-ovo-vegetarian, meaning I eat dairy with egg products, though I don't eat eggs and I'm not particularly fond of dairy either."

I think you know what kind of protein shakes this guy was drinking!

Click here to vote for your favorite.