Thursday, November 30, 2006

Quote It!

YOUR YouTube FIX: How Can the Price Be Right If I Can't Even Figure It Out?

Blind Wednesday: TV Tri-Oh!

This week I'm only a day late!

Welcome to week two of the blind-riddle bonanza I like to call the Hump Day Stumper!
In case you missed last week’s bulletin, we’re doing this every Wednesday. I name no names. You come to your own conclusions. Everyone wins. Well, except Mr. Roper. Allow me to explain...

TV Tri-Oh! Hope you're sitting down for this one, 'cause it is jui-say, my lovely little tuberinos. It involves a certain celebrity couple—both have been on TV, and both I personally adore. We’ll call ‘em Jack and Janet, ‘cause, well, these two most definitely believe three is company. Sources close to these fun-lovin’ lovers tell me they’ve got a thing for the swing. (And I'm not talkin' 'bout playgrounds, darlings.) Now, here’s where it gets scandalous. Sources tell me Jack and Janet are actually responsible for the demise of another celebrity couple—we’ll call them Mr. Roper and Chrissy (‘cause she’s far more the bombshell!). Word is, Mr. Roper found out Chrissy had a little playdate with Jack and Janet and did not approve—to say the least. So, he gave her the boot.

Got guesses? Come and knock on our comments-room door! Where, naturally, the kisses are hers and hers and his. Hee!

Birthday ALARM

Singer Clay Aiken is 28.

TV personality and producer Dick Clark is 77.
Director Ridley Scott is 69.
Singer-actor Mandy Patinkin is 54.
Guitarist Shuggie Otis is 53.
Singer Billy Idol is 51.
Guitarist John Ashton of Psychedelic Furs is 49.
Comedian Colin Mochrie (Whose Line Is It Anyway?) is 49.
Actor-director Ben Stiller is 41.
Actress Sandra Oh (Grey's Anatomy) is 36.
Country singer Mindy McCready is 31.
Actress Elisha Cuthbert (24 ) is 24.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1994, hip-hop artist Tupac Shakur was robbed of $40,000 in jewelry and survived being shot five times in a New York music studio. He later died in September of 1996 after being shot 4 times during a drive-by shooting.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Drunkity Drunk

Danny Devito drank all night (with George Clooney), didn't go to sleep, then showed up totally blasted for an interview on The View to promote his holiday movie, Deck the Halls. He decked his halls with shots of vodka.

If I had to sit on the same stage as Elisabeth Hasselbush, I'd get totally wasted too!

Oops She Did It Again?

Britney Spears might've recently developed an allergy to underwear. Whatever the case, she sure likes showing crotch - panties or no panties. For like the 129,234th time this week she's been photographed with her nether regions on display. This time she may or may not have underwear on. You be the judge. Is this another pic of Britney bare down there or is she wearing nude colored panties? I don't think I like this comeback idea anymore.

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Front Page News In The Simple Life

If you've been an avid Celebhijinx reader, you'll know that every once in a while I feature the ridiculous things the newspaper in my hometown considers news, sometimes more specifically, front page news. Whether it's a "wife wanted" ad, a backfired gag picture of a police officer dressed up in a bib under his boss' desk or just some of the most hateful and/or hick-ish comments known to mankind (from the anonymous call-in and say anything you want and we'll print it section), the newspaper is more like an act from the Blue Collar Comedy tour than a legitimate news source.

Here's the latest front page news: A troubled boy I went to school with died in a motorcycle accident after a police chase. They interviewed the family who is a well-known trouble-making family in town. The purpose of the article was to try to make something good out of something bad but somehow it just became progressively worse and worse:

Kin: Father-to-be was changing life after 'wild' youth
Jason Potter charmed children, and would have made an excellent father to babies expected in January and July, relatives say. How does that happen? Two girlfriends are pregnant with Potter's children. OOooooh that’s how that happens! But he was killed Sunday afternoon when his dirt bike crashed just outside Nescopeck after a police chase.

When he found out his girlfriend, Kimm Wynings, was pregnant, he was ecstatic, says Potter's sister, Tasha Potter. Jason served several years in state prison for a robbery he was involved in as a teenager. But the recent prospect of becoming a father changed him, said stepmother Linda Potter. "He knew it was time for him to grow up," she said. Linda knew Jason for most of his life. As a child, she says, "He was a troublemaker. He was wild." Jason was known as a jokester. And he had a special rapport with children, Tasha says. Jason couldn't wait for his child with Kimm, Tasha says. They learned it would be a girl, but Jason wanted his own name to be part of his daughter's. At one point, Tasha says, he was seriously trying to sell Kimm on the name "Jasela." But not long after they learned Kimm was pregnant, she was sent to state prison. Jason hated to be alone, Tasha says, so he started dating Erin Campbell. Then Erin got pregnant. Now, Jason's second child is expected in July, six months after the first one is due. Tasha says both mothers-to-be know the whole situation.

On Sunday, Jason was heading out to ride with his nephew, Travis Potter, who also has a dirt bike. But his sisters warned him that both he and Travis would have to wear helmets. Jason stopped by Tasha's place on Sunday to show her the one he had just bought. " 'It was the cheapest one, but I got one,' “she remembers him saying. "He wasn't always the smartest guy, but he was so proud that he went out and got a helmet," she said. He was wearing the helmet when he was killed. He died from injuries to his abdomen.
Jason was protective of all three of his older sisters, but Linda says he was closest to Tasha, who is just a year older than him. "If he was in trouble, he'd call me," Tasha says. He and Tasha would hike together or go swimming at a creek near Shumantown. Or Jason would bring his white-and-black pit bull, "DeLuca," over to play with Tasha's rottweilers. She now plans to take care of his dog. Tasha recalls a morning a few months ago, just after she had received a $2,000 loan in $20 bills (..or as my father, a judge, pointed out -- the equivalent of 200 packets of heroin, maybe? Seriously $2000 in $20 bills...who does that???). Jason walked in to her house, flashed two $10 bills and announced he was taking his sister to breakfast. Tasha told him, "Oh yeah?" Then, she grabbed her wad of cash and fanned it out. Jason's jaw dropped, and he hollered for his girlfriend to come take a picture of them with their two sets of cash. Tasha has the picture, she with 100 bills and Jason with his pair of 10s. "I think he was more happy for me," she said. "When he came in, he thought he was going to take me out."

Jason served prison time for his part in snatching a purse from a woman's shopping cart in 1999, then using her credit cards. He didn't go to prison for that crime until 2002, and he got out about two years ago. Tasha says she saw a change in her brother when he was released. He respected people more, especially his elders. Though he still got in legal trouble, he would no longer steal, Tasha said. And he was even known to help women load their groceries into cars, she said.

RIP. We will always remember him as the wild, purse-snatching inseminator with a penchant for legal trouble, state prison and motorcycles. He would take his sister out for breakfast with his last two $10 bills, was smart enough to wear a helmet (even while being chased by police) and when he wasn't stealing women's purses from shopping carts, he would help women carry their groceries. [source]

Take Away the Nukes or We're Not Giving You an iPod!!!

The Bush administration wants North Korea's attention, so like a scolding parent, it's trying to make it tougher for that country's eccentric leader to buy iPods, plasma televisions and Segway electric scooters. The U.S. government's first-ever effort to use trade sanctions to personally aggravate a foreign president expressly targets items believed to be favored by Kim Jong Il or presented by him as gifts to the roughly 600 loyalist families who run his communist nation. Kim, who engineered a secret nuclear weapons program, has other options for obtaining the high-end consumer electronics and other items he wants. But the list of proposed luxury sanctions, obtained by The Associated Press, aims to make Kim's swanky life harder: No more cognac, Rolex watches, cigarettes, artwork, expensive cars, Harley Davidson motorcycles or even personal watercraft, such as Jet Skis. The new ban would extend even to music and sports equipment. The 5-foot-3 Kim is an enthusiastic basketball fan; then-Secretary of State Madeleine Albright presented him with a ball signed by Michael Jordan during a rare diplomatic trip in 2000. Experts said the effort, being coordinated under the United Nations, would be the first ever to curtail a specific category of goods not associated with military buildups or weapons designs. U.S. officials acknowledge that enforcing the ban on black-market trading would be difficult. [source]

Seriously, so then why do it? What are we proving? Call me crazy but if the man can engineer a secret nuclear weapons program, he could get a black market ipod and some booze in 2.3 seconds. It not like the scolding-parent approach works with 13 year old kids from Idaho less than a crazy short man who is on his very own mission for world dominance and is already in control of his very own country in east Asia.

Birthday ALARM

Actor Lucas Black (The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift ) is 24.

Singer Denny Doherty of The Mamas and The Papas is 66.
Comedian Garry Shandling is 57.
Actor-comedian Howie Mandel is 51.
Actor Jeff Fahey (The Marshall ) is 49.
Actress Cathy Moriarty is 46.
Actress Kim Delaney (NYPD Blue ) is 45.
Actor Tom Sizemore is 45.
Singer Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block is 38.
Actress Gena Lee Nolin is 35.
Actress Anna Faris (Scary Movie ) is 30.
Drummer Ringo Garza of Los Lonely Boys is 25.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

YOUR YouTube FIX: Switch It!

For the holiday season:

IKEA Shows Love For "The Gays"

Swedish home furnishing retailer Ikea made worldwide news in 1994 for its US commercial featuring a male couple buying furniture together, the company has returned to its roots with a new spot including another gay pair, this time with a child (see above). Let's not forget about this other add which appeared in 2002 that reads, "My daddies are also a set."


Blind Item: By Nicole Richie

Is Nicole Richie trying to be a gossip blogger?Myspace Blog Title: X-RAY

BLIND ITEM:What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist? HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup... 11:07 PM - 114 Comments - 117 Kudos

SNAP! She's obviously talking about her old stylist Rachel Zoe.

Here's mine:
What talentless 25 year-old adopted daughter of a famous star has difficulty constructing a simple sentence...

Thank Goodness for Loyal Friends

This one should be interesting, my friends. See, this story is supposed to be about how Kiera Knightly and her boyfriend, Rupert Friend, have hit a rough patch in their 10-month long relationship. A "friend" of Kiera told the Mirror's 3AM that Rupert feels like he doesn't get enough attention. Who cares?
More importantly, I have two tangential points to make that I think are way more fun than this story: 1) Kiera, one of your friends is ratting you out to the tabloids. You best check yo'self and the haters you're running with (at least she's not dumb enough to hang out with the retard triumvirate) and 2) I was parusing the interweb last night with my roommate and we came across this AWESOME Peacoat in navy blue and THEY WERE SOLD OUT OF IT! Lo and Behold, I wake up this morning and there it is plastered all over the celecbrity gossipsphere. SCUSE ME, DAN... yeah, I think this means you should buy this coat for me for Christmas. I'll even scour the web for you to find someone that has it in my size. I'm just sayin'.
I would like to thank Kiera Knightly and her boyfriend who's name I just forgot for having a lousy friend and for almost breaking up. Merry Christmas to me.

Britney Spears Federline is officially Britney Hilton Lohan

Once upon a time, Britney Spears was a virgin. She had the hottest pop princess body in all of the land. She would tease the commoners but would never give them a taste of what her royal fruit was like. Then one day, when the timing was all wrong… The other day we featured pictures of Britney getting out of a car with her shaved hoo-ha hanging out. No lips involved. Today you can see everything except her ovaries and you can get a look at it from just about every angle possible. It's like she let the paparazzi into her gynecologist's office and they used a scope. Why couldn't she do this a few years ago…before the babies? Why God, why?!?! At this rate she should’ve taken the million in Playboy money and they could’ve thrown some flattering lighting on the thing. If you are not allowed to look at pussy at work, do not click on the link below. The End.

Some blinding pictures via Egotastic. Click here and here to see it up close and personal with a bonus C-section scar included.

I'm now off to reevaluate my life.

Birthday ALARM

Model Anna Nicole Smith is 39.

Singer Randy Newman is 63.
Musician Paul Shaffer (Late Show With David Letterman) is 57.
Actor Ed Harris is 56.
Actress S. Epatha Merkerson (Law and Order) is 54.
Actor Judd Nelson is 47.
Drummer Matt Cameron (Soundgarden) is 44.
Comedian Jon Stewart is 44.
Actress Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon (NYPD Blue) is 40.
Singer Dawn Robinson (En Vogue) is 38.
Musician of Black Eyed Peas is 32.
Rapper Chamillionaire is 27.

FUN FACT: On this day in 1582, in Stratford-upon-Avon, William Shakespeare and Anne Hathaway paid a £40 bond for their marriage licence.

2006 Media Person of The Year

Last year my favorite person in all of television history, Anderson Cooper, won coveted title of "Media Person of the Year" after a poll conducted by It's a coveted title, right? Maybe not, but I wouldn't mind winning. I never win anything. This year's contestants are:

  • Dean Baquet, the ousted editor of the Los Angeles Times;
  • Stephen Colbert, the "new" Jon Stewart;
  • Katie Couric, the first solo female network evening news anchor;
  • Tom Freston, the booted-but-beloved ex-CEO of Viacom;
  • Arianna Huffington, the liberal blog queen;
  • Chad Hurley, the CEO of YouTube and new-media demigod and
  • Rachael Ray, the "new" Oprah (YEAH RIGHT!) and latest multimedia star. (not to be confused with Lindsay Lohan's mom...the 'white' Oprah.

Get out there and vote. Just please for the love of my television DO NOT vote for Rachel Ray. I want her to go away as soon as humanly possible. The poll has been live since yesterday. [source]

Monday, November 27, 2006

Olsen Today

I forgot they can actually talk:

The question is -- did they MODEL the tween line or did they leave it up to tweens?

That Didn't Take Long

Remember how Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock kept getting married during the month of August? Well, apparently each one of the weddings would commemorate one month of the marriage. Yep, following the popular sudden-divorce trend, they're splitting up after less than 4 months. I called that one.

It's really too bad. They really tried hard to put together a classy shirtless/white bikini affair in St. Tropez. God only knows what they wore to the Beverly Hills and Nashville weddings. Pam suffered a miscarriage earlier this month so I guess it was until death to they part. Just a different kind of death. I actually feel sorry for this couple. Anyway, Tommy must be peeing his pants. He can have his kinda-bitch-for-life back and he still has time to try to knock her up before she's barren for life. [source]

Will JoJo Be The Next HoHo?

Fifteen-year-old singer JoJo, caused a little sensation when she was spotted at L.A.'s Hyde Lounge, a favorite of underager Lindsay Lohan. JoJo says it was an innocent escapade. "I didn't know it was 21 and over," she told People. "It's a freakin' restaurant and I was there with my mom and two other underage friends. I had milk and cookies! I wasn't drinking alcohol." Milk and cookies, eh? I used to use that one all the time. And even though she says her evening at Hyde "was great," don't expect to see her hitting the nightclub circuit any time soon. "It's not really my thing. I just dipped my toes (in the scene)."

JoJo will turn 16 in December and is more excited about getting her driver's license than going out to clubs. Which is normal, I guess. It's all starts with the driver's license and then goes downhill from there. First comes driver's license, then nightclubs, then cocaine, then sex, then cocaine and sex, babies, abortions, crotch shots, sex tapes... Ok back to JoJo and her driver's license. She told People, "I getting my permit next month. I've been practicing. I'm an excellent driver. I'm not going to lie. My uncle and my friends have been teaching me. Shhh, don't tell my mom! She's afraid, but it's going good." You know if she'll hide driving lessons, that milk contained vodka.

Guess What I Learned on TV Today?!

Have the ratings on your favorite show been slipping? Have the storylines been recycled one too many times? Are there just too many amnesia stories out there, too many back from the dead storylines clogging your daytime television pores? Worry not, my friend. All My Children is about to Proactiv your daytime soap opera breakout with... A TRANSGENDERED CHARACTER. Uh huh!

In a story unusual even for a soap opera (did I really just say that?), ABC's "All My Children" this week will introduce a transgender character who is beginning to make the transition from a man into a woman.

Damon Romine, a spokesman for GLAAD, said he hasn't seen the show yet but feels people involved were genuinely interested in telling the story with dignity. Emotions are so close to the surface in soap operas, and this story can serve a purpose by showing what transgenders go through, he said.

Leave it to the soaps to educate unemployed american housewives about transgender issues. Very smart move, people. Very smart move. I'm impressed.


YOUR YouTube FIX: Beyonce is a Beer Short of a Six Pack

I assume that everyone's seen this video. I'm not gonna hate on it. I think it's a decent song and she looks really good. I just can't get over her eyes though... I've tried to explain this to other people before with little luck, but Beyonce's got this really vacant look in her eyes. It likely has something to do with fame and money (cry me a river), but I'm not 100% convinced she's not at least mildly retarded.

Who The Fuck is Fabian Basabe

Don't hate Fabian Basabe because he's the male version of Paris Hilton beautiful. "I don't work, and a lot of people just don't understand that," the 26-year-old Basabe says, sounding genuine and smart, as most socialite-wannabes often do.
Fabian Basabe, that dude who first attracted our attention by being on a rich-people reality show Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive, marrying a girl even though he is so totally obviously gay, suing Bungalow 8 for not letting him in, and calling a doorman a "Negro", has gone and done something stupid. (Please take a moment and take a few deep, calming breaths if you need to.)
Apparently Mr. Basabe ran a red light at CPW and 65th -- which, hey, who hasn't run a few red lights? Fabian's lawyer Mark Heller said, "Sometimes [the light] changes while you're in midstream." However, running a red light hammered in yourHummer with a suspended license is asking for it. Of course, the attorney blames the "bumbling" cops who tested Fab's sobriety with "antiquated and faulty equipment." Fabian was charged with four infractions, including reckless driving, drunk driving and unlicensed driving. I fell asleep 4 times while writing this story. loser.

Birthday ALARM

Actor Jaleel White (Family Matters ) is 30.

Actor James Avery (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) is 58.
Actor William Fichtner (Invasion) is 50.
Drummer Mike Bordin (Faith No More) is 44.
Actor Fisher Stevens (Early Edition) is 43.
Actress Robin Givens is 42.
Actor Michael Vartan (Alias) is 38.
Rapper Skoob of DAS EFX is 36.
Rapper Twista is 34.

FUN FACT: On this day in 2005, the first partial human face transplant was completed in Amiens, France.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Memo: Received

Ok, by now we all know that Britney and Paris are joined by their, smelly crotches, maybe? Whatever they've found in common, they're exploiting it to no end. I'm sad to let you know that it's reached an all-time low. Remember the other day Brit flashed her granny panties while getting out of a car? Well, it only took her a few days to finally receive The Paris and Lindsay NO PANTIES Memo. All I can say is:"Building K-Fed's custody suit one bald cooter at a time" Enjoy!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Quote It! The Name Game

Meet Celebhijinx's newest addition.

It's a girl! She's a 3 pound, purebred Boston Terrier who will be flying to her new home (with me!) next Friday. I've hit a creative roadblock in the name department so I figured I'd post her cute little face on here and get some help! Name that puppy....

Blind Wednesdays

EOnline! started a new blind item column. I'm not sure if I'm always going to feature it on here. I discovered it two days late. Let me know what you think.

Have you ever tried to keep a secret so juicy, so jaw-dropping and so freaking spill-worthy, you felt as though your insides might explode if you didn't let it out and tell someone?Well, in the interest of not ending up like Violet Beauregarde, I’m starting a new, weekly (yes, you heard me, weekly!) feature right here in WWK Central: Blind Wednesday. This is my chance to share with you all the scandalous, salacious and sometimes laugh-out-loud funny bidness that goes down in this town—without, of course, naming names. (‘Cause, sadly for you, I still dig my job and my life, and I wanna keep 'em both.) Now, here’s the really cool part. Because we have this newfangled Comments section below, which should now be working in all its glory, you have a very obvious and convenient locale to talk amongst yourselves about these Wednesday Blinds.
So, here goes our inaugural Blind Humpy contenders...

Self-Lovin' Sally: I don’t hate Sally because she’s beautiful. I just want to pull her hair (or better yet, her false eyelashes), because she's so insistent on being the belle of the ball. Gag. Let me explain. Whenever Sally hits a soiree, she makes absolutely sure she is the last one to arrive on the red carpet—because only losers and Z-listers show up early, you see. You gotta make reporters wait for you if you're an A-lister, and, oh, Lordy, do we ever wait. On many occasions, Sally has waited in a parked limo right next to the red carpet (how's that for moronic?) until an hour after the last celebrity has gone inside, just to make sure we all know she's the queen bee. Then, when she finally emerges, it's as if Sally has fire ants in her Spanx, because she scurries past reporters, granting only one or two lightning-quick interviews. Meanwhile, if a single hair is out of place, one of her handlers (there are many) will jump in front of her, blocking the camera, to fix it. Mid-interview. As if this were normal. This is divine divadom at its finest, y'all. Take it from a diva who knows!

Wandering Wally: Everyone loves Wally. Everyone! But what they don’t know (at least, I certainly didn’t!) is that Wally also has an interesting, er, hobby that is becoming somewhat well known among his coworkers. He likes the ladies, especially the, uh, working gals, if you know what I mean. So much so that on a recent project, a handler had to be hired to manage (dare I say, schedule?) these lovely ladies for dear ol’ Wally. And let me just tell you if you were to hear his name, your jaw would be crashing through the floor to China right now. Because chances are, he’s one of your TV favorites, too. Guesses? Theories? Comment away below!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Rock Out With Her Cock Out (almost)

It's barely been a week since Paris Hilton dug her fangs into Britney's freshly broken-up corpse making the two official BstdFFs. Britney was rumored to be dancing around sans pants last weekend and she's already flashing her two-baby cooter to the world. Hey, she had c-sections...she's still intact. No harm done, right? Fortunately she didn’t get The Paris and (sometimes-friend) Lindsay NO PANTIES Memo yet.

Questionable Quote: Donald Trump

"And I've never had the biggest muscles, but I've always had the best-looking women. I guess there's only one muscle that really counts . . . your brain." [source]

Happy Tryptophan-Induced Coma Day

Robert Altman Dies, Lindsay Lohan Rambles

Here's Lindsay Lohan's press statement/acceptance speech?/crazy talk re:Robert Altman's death:

"I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altmans wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle. I feel as if I've just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches. If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman's wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could. Robert altman made dreams possible for many independent aspiring filmmakers, as well as creating roles for countless actors. I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career. I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years.

The point is, he made a difference. He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do. So every day when you wake up. Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments. The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious. Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful. Life comes once, doesn't 'keep coming back' and we all take such advantage of what we have. When we shouldn't..... Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves' (12st book) -everytime there's a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come. If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I'm one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I'm just a phone call away.

God Bless, peace and love always.
Thank You,
Lindsay Lohan

Moving. Truly moving. She worked so hard under some kind of influence to churn out all of those emotionally-charged, inspirational words and then she ends it with just wanting me to be an incorrectly spelled synonym of 'sufficient'? I can't figure out if this is another desperate cry for attention or a teacher-confiscated note that was passed during 5th grade math class.

Don't just be adequate, be literate.
Peace, love and spell check -xine [source]

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Birthday ALARM

Actress Scarlett Johannson (Lost in Translation) is 22.

Comedian Terry Gilliam (Monty Python) is 66.
Actor Tom Conti is 65.
Singer Jesse Colin Young (The Youngbloods) is 65.
Bassist Tina Weymouth of Talking Heads is 56.
Actor Richard Kind (Mad About You) is 50.
Actress Jamie Lee Curtis is 48.
Actress Mariel Hemingway is 45.
Actor Stephen Geoffreys is 42.

FUN FACT FOR CHRIS: On this day in 1986, Mike Tyson knocked out Trevor Berbick in the second round, becoming the youngest world heavyweight champion at the age of 20 years old.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Every Time A Sex Tape Is Made, A Kitten Dies...

Sad but true, Kevin Fed-Ex denies that he and Brit Brit ever made the nasty on film. "There is not a sex video of Kevin and Britney in existence," Federline's attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, said in a statement issued today.

"It goes without saying that the stories of Kevin attempting to sell such a video are patently false and anyone who reports that they have information of such attempts is either lying or reporting the lie of someone else," the statement continues...

Supposedly, Kevin was trying to sell the alleged tape and had already been offered nearly $50 million for the rights.

This dude is complete poison, I know. I admit, I'm a sucker for a bad-ass attitude and a back hand here and there. How sweet would it have been to have seen if Federspunk had a huge wang? It's no suprise his sperm are as strong as 10 chariots of fire, but how big is his gun? I guess we'll never know. FUCK!


Ripa Rippin' Clay A New Asshole

As follow-up to Xine's post below...

How's this for the most awkward moment in television history, second only to the infamous Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie kiss some million years ago on MTV. Kelly Ripa should have just let this one go. Here she is recaping things for good ol' Reeg...

Did Rosie Just "OUT" Clay? At minimum she called him "not cute'

Clay Aiken was a guest host on Kelly Ripa's show (or something) and he put his hand over her mouth to shut her bitch ass up. Kelly was pissed and made some kind of remark about not knowing where his hands have been. In turn, that pissed off Rosie O'Donnell who is calling Kelly's remarks "homophobic." You do the math - that makes Clay gay.

YOUR 15 MINUTES: The Reality of Gaydar

Most people never saw it coming. How could Ted Haggard — founder of New Life Church, champion of honesty, family values and "the protection of marriage" — be linked to a gay prostitute? When allegations of gay sex — which Haggard has denied — surfaced recently, many people, including some of Haggard's closest friends, reacted with disbelief. Others claimed they weren't surprised at all. Their "gaydar" had tipped them off.

"One look at his pic on his Web site and my gaydar went off the scale," wrote one reader in the comment section of "I actually heard Ted Haggard preach ... my gaydar was bleeping off the charts," wrote a blogger commenting on the news story. At best, "gaydar" sounds like a joke, a snarky combination of the words "gay" and "radar" that people use to explain a self-proclaimed power to detect sexual orientation. At worst it sounds like a knee-jerk way to perpetuate stereotypes about homosexuals. But, for better or worse, there might really be some accuracy in it.

"Gaydar absolutely exists," said Northwestern University psychology professor Michael Bailey. "It's not a perfect indicator. A lot of gay men don't give off the right signs, but a substantial percentage do." In experiments, Bailey has shown videos of men talking and walking, then asked people to rate whether the subjects are gay. The viewers were right about 70 percent of the time, he said. His research tries to isolate what people intuitively spot.

The giveaways, he said, include a narrower, more feminine gait and distinct, lispy pronunciation of words. Not exactly subtle. You might as well say the giveaways include singing old show tunes and taking the time to pick out especially thoughtful greeting cards. His findings have been widely criticized. Lynn Conway, a transsexual retired electrical engineering professor who is one of Bailey's most vocal critics, calls his research "outlandish and unscientific." Bailey agrees that many gaydar signals are much-parodied stereotypes, "but there is some basis behind it." In a gay spectrum that includes people from Liberace to Rock Hudson, gaydar is by no means foolproof, he said. Many openly gay men exhibit none of the traits he has documented. "You can watch football, hook worms and fish, spit on the sidewalk, shoot Bambi's mother, scratch your ass in public, and still be gay as the month of May," gay author Donald F. Reuter wrote in his book "Gaydar." (great quote)

Reuter noted that gay men are known to gravitate toward such professions as hairstyling and fashion design, but straight-seeming institutions such as churches and the military are as attractive to gays as they are to heterosexuals. Bailey agrees. "The church is a more feminine pursuit," he said. "It may attract a disproportionate number of gay men." Bailey said he watched the TV footage of Ted Haggard saying he got a massage from a gay prostitute. "I didn't see him as a flaming gay man at all," he said. The one blip on his Ph.D.-caliber gaydar was the broad grin. "This is total speculation, we haven't done studies yet, but I think gay men tend to have much more expressive smiles. That's one thing that struck me about Haggard." [source]

My gaydar's been bleeping off the charts since I learned the meaning of the word gay. I pride myself on both the existence and precise accuracy of my gaydar. It's scientifically me. That tranny professor can suck it. (I mean Dino’s ‘it’ because I don’t have an ‘it’.)

Birthday ALARM

Singer Bjork is 41.

Actress Marlo Thomas is 69.
Actress Goldie Hawn is 61.
Singer Livingston Taylor is 56.
Actress Cherry Jones (The Horse Whisperer ) is 50.
Actress Nicollette Sheridan is 43.
Bassist Alex James of Blur is 38.
Rapper Pretty Lou of Lost Boyz is 35.
Actress Jena Malone (Saved, Life As A House) is 22.

Fun Fact: On this day in 1974, George W. Bush was honourably discharged from the US Air Force Reserve.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Quote It!

Odd Couple...

Britney and Paris sitting in a tree. A Valtrex tree maybe. Or one of those little stick figure trees they make on the blackboard of your sex-ed class to show you how your partners really add up. While it looks like the two were out partying in Vegas, I think the only two possible reasons these two might be together are 1. chance encounter 2. Britney was asking for advice about Kevin's gift that keeps on giving. Definitely not a good move for the pending divorce-o.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

It's Official...

Katie and Tom are now legally married (Maybe). Suri is now legit (I think). Katie is insane (that's definite). She's also bending her knees to look shorter than him in their wedding picture. They appear to have been married in a cave. Or is that Mars? More details below:

The ceremony was a lavish apex to perhaps the celebrity world's most closely watched relationship, proclaimed with Cruise's leap on Oprah Winfrey's couch, bestowed with the nickname "TomKat" and raised to a new level seven months ago when Holmes gave birth to their daughter. The evening wedding was performed by a Scientology minister in front of more than 150 relatives and friends, the couple's publicists said.

Oil-fed torches and tiny candles flickered from the battlements and windows of the Odescalchi castle in this lakeside town as the couple and guests gathered for the ceremony in the town about 27 miles northwest of Rome. Suri, dressed in white, arrived in her mother's arms. The wedding party included Cruise's two children, Isabella and Connor, from the superstar actor's previous marriage to Nicole Kidman, the publicists said in a statement. The best man was Cruise's best friend David Miscavige and the matron of honor was Holmes' sister Nancy Blaylock. Holmes wore a black dress and boots before she changed into Armani's off-the-shoulder ivory silk gown. Her father, Martin Holmes, walked her down the aisle and she carried a bouquet of flowers made by Armani including calla lilies.

Cruise, who sported dark shades and waved to fans as he rode through the castle gates in a van, wore a single breasted navy blue Armani handmade suit for the wedding, with an ivory silk French collar shirt of the same fabric as the bride's gown. Armani told The Associated Press that Cruise, then Holmes, walked down a stone ramp lined with flag bearers in medieval costumes and to the roll of drums. They exchanged vows in a former stable decorated simply with white flowers. "For the Americans this was very special, because Americans do not have this kind of thing back home, and they dream of such things in our beautiful country, and you can see the surprise and the awe on their faces," said Armani, who also designed the clothes of the rest of the wedding party and the couple's immediate family.

Italian singer Andrea Bocelli serenaded the couple at the reception and the bride and groom cut a five-tiered white chocolate wedding cake. Fireworks later burst above the castle, but the view was marred by a foggy night. Other famous guests included Brooke Shields, Richard Gere, Jennifer Lopez, Jim Carrey and Victoria Beckham, wife of soccer star David Beckham. David didn't attend. The two stars arrived separately to the castle earlier Saturday, with pouring rain forcing Holmes and her daughter to take shelter under large, green umbrellas as they left their limousine. The sun was shining on the castle when Cruise arrived in a van from Rome, where the family had been staying in a luxury hotel near the Spanish Steps, with some fans shouting, "Tom, Tom!" When the groom drove up, Holmes watched from a castle window and anxiously gestured with her hand.

Holmes was giving Cruise a Vacheron Constantin watch engraved simply, "I Love You," as a wedding gift, the company said. It said she bought the gift in Los Angeles last week. As the sun began to set, candles were placed in pots along the road to the castle and in some of the windows. Men wearing tuxedos and women holding up the hems of their long gowns walked up the steep path to the castle. Security was tight, with Carabinieri paramilitary police patrolling the walls of the castle and all vehicles banned from the center of Bracciano. The flag of the Odescalchi family, whose ancestors include Benedetto Odescalchi, the 17th century pope Innocent XI, fluttered over the castle's towers. "When I first walked here, I didn't know why they chose this place," said Emily Roeder, 19, an American who came to Bracciano for the day from Florence, where she is studying. "Then I saw the castle and the streets all around, and it's really romantic." Hundreds of the town's 14,000 residents and fans of the stars braved intermittent rain to catch a glimpse of the arrivals. "I want to see at least one of them -- even if it's not Tom Cruise," said 15-year-old Erica Bandiera. "I want to see Beckham's wife," said her friend Luca Costanzi, 15, with a huge grin. There was even a bit of stargazing on at least one Seville-to-Rome flight when the pilot pointed out to passengers the castle where the wedding was taking place.Scientology ceremonies contain many elements of traditional weddings, including rings and vows. But they also include certain Scientology fundamentals, including vowing never to go to bed without communicating about any differences. A spokesman for the Church of Scientology for Rome, Fabrizio D'Agostino, said an exchange of vows with a Scientology rite was not legally recognized in Italy, and would have to be preceded or followed by a civil union.

The publicists said Cruise and Holmes had "officialized (OFFICIALIZED? Since when is that a word? Is Bush their publicist?) their marriage in Los Angeles prior to their departure for Italy," saying that was customary for couples marrying outside the United States. Cruise's publicist Arnold Robinson wrote in response to an e-mailed question about whether that meant they had been married in a civil ceremony that "the required steps were taken for the marriage to be legal." [source]

Blah blah blah. Celebrity Hijinx is now officially done with these two! least until he leaves her for a man. No word on what an official Scientology honeymoon looks like but something tells me it involves aliens, brainwashing and metal prods. Lots and lots of metal prods. ..and maybe some nipple clamps.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Why Pay When He'll Rape You For Free?

"Iron" Mike Tyson: former World Heavyweight Champion, father, prisoner, ear-biter, drug addict, rapist and the first man ever to be a recipient of both a face tattoo and an honorary doctorate. A man with a heavy punch and a heavier lisp, can now add another thing to his long, sordid resume: male prostitute.

Heidi Fless thinks people are going to pay to have sex with Mike Tyson at her soon-to-be brothel for women in Nevada. Heidi's Stud Farm, a 60 acre male hooker "paradise" will be opening soon in Nevada and she's apparently lined up "Iron" Mike to be the main event. Heidi said, "I told him, 'You're going to be my big stallion.' It's every man's fear that their girlfriend will go for Mike Tyson." Um, I don't think that's been a problem since 1988. ...and even then, almost 20 years ago, it wasn't too much of a problem. Tyson said, "I don't care what any man says, it's every man's dream to please every woman - and get paid for it."

Ah yes, and what about every girl's dream -- to pay for sex with convicted rapist who has a nasty lisp and a face only a ... only a....I guess nobody could love which is why he's a convicted rapist. This is one of the worst business ideas EVER in the history of all that exists -- it's right up there with the atomic bomb and the Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner. [source]

Cuttin' Lines

Remember that wrist Lindsay Lohan always keeps covered? The one covered in bandages and wristbands in recent weeks? Well, now it's covered in cuts. They were discovered by British press during a wild night with Lindsay where she changed outfits several times, partied all night, hooked up with "London’s most famous lothario,"(Calum Best, a recent Paris hook-up) and then, of course, rounded off her night by flashing her cooter. I swear if these girls wore underwear, it would greatly decrease the risk of random penises wandering into their va-gigis. Don't worry. They appear to be superficial wounds with the sole purpose of garnering attention.

Lindsay's rep says she "fell in a bush." Sounds like someone got an early Christmas present -lessons at Elliot Mintz School of BS and PR.

One Sad, Sidelined Sap Blind Vice

Durwood Dope (no relation to the man-eating, avaricious Diandra Dope from Vices past) used to have it all: fab career, great looks, damn good talent, boys 'n' girls to bonk whenever he wanted. Those were the bisexual superstar days, huh? But that was before this little thing called age set in. Trust me, I know how D2 feels: Ya look in the mirror, and ya wonder what the hell your father is doing looking backatcha! Gray hair. Wrinkles around your eyes, where there used to simply be sleepy goo stuff. Know what I mean, all my little geriatric jelly beans?

Durwood sure does. 'Cause he's increasingly turning to drugs for solace, men for validation in the form of casual sex and—worst of all—vitriolic little queens for companionship. Bad move there, Mr. D. Now, I'm a bitchy-ass homo if ever there was one, but at least I'm true to my buds. If they've got a bad time goin' down, I'm cool about it. Not so half the fruits Durwood's been befriending, as of late. See, here's the deal:

Dope's (female) partner is currently and utterly eclipsing him in the celeb department, and this fame factoid, along with the unavoidable truth that Durwood's increasingly looking like a weatherproofed donut, is not helping D.'s depressed moods. And since D.D. has always hung with a hedonistic, eclectic bunch...well, let's just say he's leaning wholly toward those who supply him, screw him and then say so long to him—rather than to those who actually want to help him. Shame. 'Cause Durwood sure needs somebody who cares enough to tell him to lay off this fruits-and-chemicals-only diet of his. Pronto. It ain't:

My guesses: Um. My first guess is Matthew Broderick but that would be too easy. I would like to guess Michael Douglas just for the sake of pointing out that wrinkly balls probably make him miserable and if he's cheating on Catherine, she'll make lots and lots of money. Buuuuuuut...I wouldn't exactly call her career "utterly eclipsing" at this point. Could it possibly be someone like William H. Macy (Felicity Huffman's husband?) I'm not sure how famous he used to be and how gay he seems but I'm pretty sure they have that "eclipsing" dynamic going on. What usual suspect can we rule out? George Clooney - he doesn't have the steady female partner and he was just voted Sexiest Man so he’s obviously not Durwood. Sadly, there would be something slightly gratifying about George growing old and miserable - as long as it was without me.

Anorexia Chronicles: Ok Seriously.

Some people think that I do this column because I'm mean. While I am mean, I actually do this because anorexia/bulemia has personally touched my life. So all kidding aside, eat something healthy today.

Ana Carolina Reston, a 21 year-old Brazilian fashion model died from complications of anorexia in a Sao Paulo hospital on Tuesday. Reston weighed only 88 pounds and was about 5 feet 8 inches tall. Doctors consider this weight normal for a 12-year-old girl no more than about 5 feet tall. Her mother has made an emotional appeal for parents to take better care of aspiring young models. "Take care of your children ... no money is worth the life of your child, not even the most famous (fashion) brand is worth this," her mother, Miriam Reston, told O Globo newspaper. She said her daughter had been trying to help her family with the money she made as a model. Miriam spoke on national television and to local newspapers to highlight the tragedy. She said she had pleaded with her daughter to eat more and to see a doctor. "She would reply, 'Mummy, don't mess me around,"' Miriam told O Estado de S.Paulo. Reston was not famous, but she had worked abroad, including in Japan, and did some jobs for Giorgio Armani and the Brazilian model agency L'Equipe, which declined immediate comment.

In September, Spain caused a storm in the fashion world when Madrid barred models below a certain weight from its top fashion show. Models with a body-mass-index (BMI), which takes into account height and weight, of less than 18 were banned. Reston's BMI was just 13.5 while the World Health Organization considers anyone with a BMI below 18.5 underweight. You know they probably told her she looked just perfect! A BMI below 17.5 being one of the criteria for the diagnosis of anorexia nervosa and a BMI nearing 15 is usually used as an indicator for starvation. Other famous fashion venues like London were considering following suit. [source]

Products for A Fake Engagement

Woolworths is so confidant that Britain's Prince William will marry his live-in girlfriend Kate Middleton, they’ve invested in a line of merchandising promoting their non-existent engagement.They could have up to 100,000 items, including mugs, plates, tea towels and mouse mats on store shelves within 48 hours of a wedding announcement, according to the Daily Mirror on Friday. Other items include plastic dolls of the couple, fluffy slippers, mobile phones, wine glasses, thimbles and even a special range of sweets. Just what everyone needs – Prince William-n-his-bitch fluffy slippers! Souvenir-makers missed out on millions in sales last year because they did not have enough time to produce trinkets to commemorate the engagement of Charles to his long-time lover Camilla Parker-Bowles. "We missed an estimated 3-million-pound ($5.66-million) opportunity (but) this time we will be ready and we think the market could be worth up to 10 million pounds," Stephen Robertson, marketing director for Woolworths, was quoted as saying in the Daily Telegraph. The commemorative plates, white with an elaborate gold trim, feature a shoulder-length shot of the prince, dressed in a black dinner jacket, white shirt and white bow tie, next to a picture of Middleton in a stylish feather hat. Underneath the portraits in gold print are the words: "Celebrating the royal marriage of William & Kate", according to photographs of the plate in the two newspapers. The only thing missing is the date. ...and they call American's tacky??!!!???

Can somebody run this marketing plan by my family? They need to learn something about confidence. I don’t get little dolls commemorating my non-existent engagement, all I get are the occasional jeers intermixed with snide comments. For reference, I want to announce my upcoming non-engagement with commemorative macaroni and cheese (preferably of the 'easy mac' variety..but with shaped pasta). someone want to inquire about that for me? Thanks.

Birthday ALARM

Isaac Hanson must’ve done something right with the MMMbop song because he's still birthday news-worthy 10 years later at the age of 26.
Daisy Fuentes is making clothes for her inner child at 40.
RuPaul is still sashay shante-ing it at 46. She (yes, she) just re-released an album this year.
Lorne Michaels is going strong at 62. Danny DeVito is also 62. He wishes he could be 6’2”.
Lauren Hutton is pretty fine 63 year-old.
Can someone please do this country a service and buy Martin Scorsese an eyebrow-grooming package for is 64th birthday?

Thursday, November 16, 2006

WT not GQ

Lindsay Lohan decided to class up her latest GQ photoshoot. For wardrobe she chose Route 66 a la K-Mart cut-off, rolled-up jean shorts and a midriff bearing, made-in-china white t-shirt. For location, she choose her natural habitat: a midwest motel room/meth lab. Props: old tabloid magazines and a mattress in a shade of blue they haven't produced since 1972. It gets worse. I present you with...the interview.

We met Lindsay Lohan in the garden of the Chateau Marmont hotel in Hollywood. We had a margarita. She had a…beverage.

Can we tell people we’re doing this interview in the men’s room at Yankee Stadium?
Yes. And tell them that we’re dating.
Does it make you sad that celebrity magazines never write about you?
It does. I really wish they would do more. I’m trying to become friends with all the cool famous people, the ones that go to clubs all the time—try to get into those tabloids a little more.
Tell me about an average day in the life of Lindsay Lohan.
It starts out with a 5 a.m. hike through Runyon Canyon to watch the sunrise. Then I go outside, and I try to find the paparazzi. I go down to Robertson Boulevard, try and search for them, find them, and bring them food.
And then what do you do at night?
Well, of course, I’m sitting at the computer all night.
Have you ever read anything interesting about yourself on the Internet?
No. I wish they’d be clever and make something up for me.
There’s some interesting stuff about you. Irocman39 in Skokie, Illinois, says you’re the “smokinest woman on the face of the earth”—
God bless him.
—and that he wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating saltines. I don’t eat. Don’t you people know?
It’s all about anorexia and bulimia nervosa.
After computer time, when do you go to bed?
No later than 9:30 p.m.—ever. On a good night, it’s eight fifteen.

Aw, I believe she was trying to be silly and cute and witty and ironic. But of course that failed and she ended up being annoying and half-witted and tedious and inane. Can you believe they killed trees for that? For once, I DON'T want Lindsay to quit her day job. Leave the sarcastic wit to the bloggers, Linds. It's not a becoming shtick.

Rocky, Dude, Enough Already

On December 22nd, the sixth and final Rocky, Rocky Balboa, will be released, and this here is the trailer. Honestly, I went with my dad to see Rocky 5 when I was 10 years old. I'm 26. Sixteen years between films 5 and 6, and if I'm not mistaken, in Rocky 5, Rocky was already retired cause he had some sort of permenant damage from the fight with the Russian in Rocky 4. Sooooooooooo, we're supposed to believe that Rocky goes back to boxing 16 years after his fight with Tommy "Machine" Gunn, which he came out of retirement to fight.

Um, anyone else confused.

Parenting Tips: By Kellie Pickler of American Idol

“I remember my mother and I were in the kitchen and I said, ‘I wish God would take me away, I’d much rather be dead than live here with you.’ She took a knife out, set it on the counter and said, ‘Here, do it then.’ I was in fourth grade. Of course I never would have acted upon it, but it’s done a lot of emotional scarring.”

Instead she used the knife to turn her prom dress into a genie costume. [source]

Outing the Outed

I don't know why everyone's getting their crusty panties in a bunch over Kristanna Loken's interview (about Michelle Rodriguez). I thought Michelle was basically outed a long time ago by pictures like this: It's not like Michelle actually jumped in Kristanna's interview and screamed "I lick pussy". Kristanna just alluded to the possibility of Michelle being upstairs. Trust me, my girlfriends talk like this all the time. Unless "upstairs" recently became the universal codeword for lesbian and nobody told me. Granted, there have been rumors about them for a while... and Kristanna is openly bi.

Ok, I guess if Michelle wasn't already basically outed, I would call this a little bit of an outing. They make a cute couple. Good for them.

Birthday ALARM

Actress Maggie Gyllenhaal (World Trade Center) is 29.

Actor Steve Railsback is 61.
Actor David Leisure (Empty Nest ) is 56.
Actress Marg Helgenberger (CSI ) is 48.
Jazz singer Diana Krall is 42.
Actress Lisa Bonet is 39.
Actress Tammy Lauren (Martial Law) is 38.
Singer Bryan Abrams of Color Me Badd is 37.
Actress Martha Plimpton is 36.
Singer Trevor Penick (O-Town) is 27.

SUPER FUN FACT: On this day in 2001, the first Harry Potter movie Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was released in theatres.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

One Homo Handed Blind Vice

Oh, let's not talk about Farley Soosh-Spurn, he's so, well, obvious about his boyish activities round T-Town—even I've seen him picking up handsome chaps whose pupils are dazzled by Mr. S.S.'s celebrity (and certainly not by Far's dubious mug). Yawn, whatev. So reminds me of bubbly blond chicks kissing up to dog-meat producers aged enough to be their grandfathers, old story in T-Town.

Far more fetching a tale would involve all kank-ee things Whip-Me Mendelson. Whip, mind you, is known for the utter antithesis of his Christian name and then some. Yep, Whip's made a fairly lucrative career of exploring the rather dorky side of various arts—and getting quasi-decent reviews in the process. Like, what is it about nerds that sends the world all atwitter, like gals get round rock stars? Never understood that nebbish dynamic, but that's not what we're here to discuss. Nope, that would, instead, be chains, anal balls, shaving from the neck down with electric pin shocks inserted into one's scrotum, à la acupuncture and sundry other S&M treats Mr. Mendelson has also developed a reputation for—off camera (far, far off).

And it gets better: Recently, Whip's been in the news, his b-f less so. But what nobody's been picking up is the dish involving Whip and a veddy famous reclusive celeb with whom W.M.M. continues to have a master-slave thang goin' down 'tween the sheets. Three guesses who's the rump-slave in distress and who's Mr. Punisher. Now, that's a press release I want to see. People mag, I friggin' dare ya! It ain't: