Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Hair Scare

Just when you thought the Anna Nicole Smith saga couldn't get any stranger:

An attorney for the ex-boyfriend of TV reality star Anna Nicole Smith said she believes that Smith dyes her new daughter's hair. The model, who usually sports platinum blonde hair, may have dyed her infant daughter's locks to make it appear the father is Smith's current companion, Debra Opri said Monday. Smith's ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead, who claims he is the father, saw the child with dark hair in leaked snippets of an "Entertainment Tonight" interview of Smith, Opri said. PICTURED BELOW "It's horrendous," Opri said. "We are calling our experts right now to see if dyeing an infant's hair is any way toxic or harmful to a child." Birkhead frosts the tips of his sandy blonde hair. Smith's current companion, Howard K. Stern, appears to have naturally black hair. Smith's attorney Ron Rule said the allegations of hair-dyeing were ridiculous.

Does Larry think that just because he and Anna sport bleached 'dos, the baby's hair should be bleached? Does he realize baby hair can change? I wonder if my lawyer has a baby hair dye expert on hand...

At this point, I don't think I want baby Dannielynn with any of these people! It takes a special person to dye a baby's hair but it takes an even special-er person to accuse someone of dying their baby's hair. Of course by 'special' I mean 'fucking insane." Who knows, maybe the little bitch just called up baby pal Suri Cruise for some hair tips. Can I just say that I have never seen some loser try SO HARD to be the father of some other loser's child -- and that's impressive since I watch WAY too much daytime TV. [source]

Farewell Face

Ashlee Simpson's stint as Roxie Hart in in the musical Chicago on London's West End has come to its end. As she bids farwell to the musical on Sunday, she also appears to have bid farewell to any recognizable characteristic of her face. It's no secret Ashlee Simpson's looks have been ch-ch-chainging but this is a tad bit ridiculous - she could wear a mask of her former face as a Halloween costume it's THAT different. [source]

Hilton: Synonymous With Cheap

The Hiltons never let me down. They showed up to this past weekend's Halloween festivities lacking originality and wearing their Sunday best. Their two-dollar cop-and-maid-hooker costumes were obviously sewn in a sweatshop specializing in twenty cent, sub-quality costumes. For heiresses, you'd think they could afford something a less polyester. In the theme of "same old-same old," PageSix reports the Hilton sisters showed up to a Playboy party and acted like drunk whores:

Paris did her usual routine, dancing on a table and lip-syncing as her single, "Stars Are Blind," played. "The reaction is now always the same - her posse of sycophants surrounds her, cheering her, as most people groan," said our witness. "This is really getting old." Nicky provided her own show on the dance floor, "being bent over backwards against the stage by a height-challenged young man as she wrapped a leg around his hip and they played tonsil hockey. She later spent an hour crawling under the tables (apparently) looking for a lost purse. When upright, she was stumbling all over . . . as she was fondled everywhere but the bottoms of her feet by the little 'dance' partner . . . She is handling her breakup with Kevin Connelly in a very mature and sophisticated manner - not!"

Nicky loves the midgets! In related Halloween news, their buddy Brandon Davis is apparently still stuck on that "firecrotch" incident: I want to say that it would've been funnier if he attached that wig to his crotch. But it wouldn't have. Unless of course I was drunk. Then it would probably be mildly amusing for like .3 seconds. He looks surprisingly dry and clean in this photo. Can someone please slip them some hits of creativity?

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Do You Take This Man To Be Your Lawfully Wedded Nutjob?

Since nothing in Tom Cruise's life has been normal lately, so it's safe to assume the most normal thing at his upcoming Scientology wedding to Katie Holmes will be her custom Armani gown. Below is a excerpt from “The Background Ministry, Ceremonies & Sermons of the Scientology Religion,” quoting vows from a Scientology wedding:

The minister asks the bride: “And do you take/His fortune/At its prime and ebb/And seek/With him best fortune/For us all?/Do you?”

The minister then tells the groom: “Now, (groom's name),/girls need clothes/And food and/Tender happiness and frills/A pan, a comb,/perhaps a cat/All caprice if you will/But still/They need them./Do you then/Provide?/Do you?”

How romantic. I'm sure it will be the Scientology wedding ceremony of the year. They should really adjust these vows. In this marriage, I think Tom Cruise is the one in need of tender happiness, girls clothes, frills and a goddamn comb. [source]

It's 49 In Dog Years

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe's marriage finally bit the dust after 7 long, pregnancy-rumor-laden, "we WORK HARD at our marriage," Hollywood years. God, it took them long enough. Was it the Oscar that broke the camel's back? Who knows. The real reason for the split probably lies somewhere between Reese making them go to church on Sundays and the recent rumors about Ryan screwing some slut in Canada. For entertainment purposes, I don't think this is going to rank up there with Paul McCartney beating his one legged wife with a ketchup bottle...although I do remember reading a recent blind item about a goody-goody Oscar winner drinking too much in Vegas and throwing up in the elevator. Can you imagine…Reese Witherspoon vomits? [source]

Birthday ALARM Halloween Edition

Rob Van Winkle (Vanilla Ice) is 38. i always thought he'd been dealt a rough hand, but who knew his real name was Rob Van Winkle? oy

Anchorman Dan Rather is 75. does this dude still have a job?
Actor Ron Rifkin (Alias) is 67.
Actress Sally Kirkland is 62. total train wreck.
Actress Deidre Hall (Days Of Our Lives) is 58.
NBC anchorwoman Jane Pauley is 56. lesbian.
Director Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings) is 45.
Guitarist Johnny Marr (The Smiths) is 43.
Actor Dermot Mulroney is 43. sometimes hot/sometimes not
Actor Rob Schneider is 42.
King Ad Rock of the Beastie Boys is 40.
Actor Eddie Kaye Thomas (American Pie ) is 26.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Costume Time

Dear Celebrity Hijinx readers,
Dino and I will not be posting until Tuesday. We have a long weekend full of costumes n stuff. While we're gone, keep us entertained by posting your favorite costume ideas here. We want to hear about the crazy things you kids come up with.

Here's my 2006 costume: Here's a ghost of halloween past-- the Christina Aguilera circa 2001 Mermaid worn in 2003. I believe the year of the mermaid Dino escorted me to Salem wearing a weird monk/priest. This costume was a lot of fun.

Anorexia Chronicles: Excuses, Excuses

Poor Nicole Richie. She has to go to Fat Camp...to get fat. Nicole's publicist admits that Nicole has finally sought help at a treatment facility to address her inability to gain weight but denies she is receiving treatment for an eating disorder.

"She is working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition," spokeswoman Nicole Perna said in a statement. "It is important to Nicole that she achieves this goal in a healthy way as this is not a treatment for an eating disorder."

So let's explore this statement. Nicole is NOT seeking treatment for an eating disorder - she's seeking treatment for nutrition. There's a nutrition problem. She's deficient of nutrients. Isn't that just a fancy way of saying the bitch doesn't eat? Think about it...we all know Nicole is skinny so either:

  1. The publicist is lying and she's in rehab for an eating disorder.
  2. Her publicist thought she could outsmart us by saying it's a nutrition problem not an eating problem.
  3. She is seeking treatment for a drug problem that's causing her to be skinny.

That's it. I don't have a degree in nutrition but I know bullshit when I see it. I don't buy any bullshit excuse about being "naturally thin" because the bitch was a big old tub of Fatty Boombatty not too long ago. What does she want us to think? All of a sudden she developed a supersonic metabolism. Judging from the pictures in the next post, Nicole's stylist must have the same "nutrition" problem. I wonder if it's contagious!!! [source]

Happy Halloween!!!

Celebrity Hijinx has been so busy doing some behind the scenes renovations that we forgot to put up some scary, fun Halloween decorations - witches, skeletons, zombies, little orange pumpkins, visions of death...! Sorry about that! Here you go: Oops. Nevermind...no little orange pumpkins.

One Masterfully Manipulative Blind Vice

Slurpa Pop-Off, you're such the hustlin' hussy! I dare say, I think this twisted gal gets off on stealing other people's men and watching them suffer. Sick, ain't it? (Yet so Hollywood—yech!)

Get a load of Slurpa's latest little pork-and-run plans: Slurpa recently had an altercation, of sorts, with a gal whose former guy Slurpa is currently suckin' face with all over town. Then, this past weekend, S.P.O. flew her Hell-Ay coop for a little fun 'n' sun away from home in another city known for its, uh, devilish diversions. And come Monday, after Slurp's supposedly wild weekend, pics were everywhere of her getting down and dirty with not one, but two questionably doable dudes. Looks like the media fell for her photo-op spit-swap sessions hook, line and deadline-prone sinker. 'Cause it turns out Pop-Off's canoodling for the cameras was planned and pretend. Why's that? Well, to distract from the drama surrounding her and her reported latest amigo, evidently. Are ya with me?

Doesn't matter, we're almost to the end here. A bathroom birdie in said city of delightful diversion overheard Slurpa yakking on her phone that she'd temporarily kicked her b-f to the curb 'cause he was too much trouble, but she might just take him back when he rekindles things with his former flame. Girlfriend, you are cold. In more ways than one, I hear...

Slurpa Pop-Off is not:

Slurpa Pop-Off is: Paris Hilton - we've seen Slurpa around before. What the hell happened to Ted that's caused these things to becoming as transparent as saran wrap? Ambiguity is half the fun of blind vices!

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Diet Motivator of the Day

Dallas Cowboys passing game coordinator Todd Haley is suing a suburban McDonald's after claiming his wife and their family's au pair found a dead rat in their salad. The lawsuit filed Thursday in state district court seeks $1.7 million in damages, The Dallas Morning News reported on its Web site. In addition to Haley, who got in a well-publicized shouting match with Terrell Owens earlier this month, the suit was also filed on behalf of his wife Christine and the family's live-in babysitter, Kathryn Kelley. The dead rodent, believed to be a juvenile roof rat, was about 6 inches long and was found on its back with its mouth opened, Scott Casterline, a spokesman for the family, told The Associated Press. He said the women didn't find the rat until taking the salad home to eat, and that a manager from the McDonald's "didn't offer any comfort" after driving to their house to see the rodent.

The suit was filed after the restaurant didn't follow through on promises "to make things right," he said. "The family needs closure," Casterline told The Associated Press. "It came to a point where you have to draw a line." A message left for McDonald's Corp. spokesman Walt Riker on Thursday evening was not immediately returned. Ken Lobato, owner-operator of the McDonald's in Southlake, told the newspaper that he hadn't seen the suit and couldn't respond. "Nothing is more important to us than the safety and well-being of our customers," he said. "We maintain the strictest quality standards. We take these matters seriously and are conducting a full investigation to get all the facts. "In my years as an owner-operator, I've never seen anything like this."

According to the lawsuit, Christine Haley and Kelley had eaten part of the salad purchased June 5 before the dead rodent was uncovered. The women became violently ill and endured long-lasting physical injuries, the lawsuit said. Chritine Haley, who was nursing, states she had to feed her baby with formula

That will teach rich people to eat at McDonald's. You don't want rats in your food, don't go to places that will serve rats in their food. This is just sending bad messages to people in the ghetto. When they find animals in their food, they're ok with it because they're in the ghetto. Now all of a sudden they're going to start thinking animals in their food is worth $1.7 million. Get rich quick motherfucker. I'm sure you'll see a daytime lawyer commercial on soon during Judge Joe Brown: "Did you find animals in your food? You may be entitled to a cash settlement." Now don't get me wrong -- human body parts are another story. [source]

Birthday ALARM

Kelly Osbourne turns bloody 22 today.
Patrick Fugit is 24. I want his last name. I'd pronounce it like how a hillbilly would say Fuck-It.
I didn't realize Scott Weiland was still alive. He is. He's 39.
The mother of Donald Trump's least famous child, a golddigger better know as Marla Maples, turns 43 today.
There's a lot to say about John Cleese but I couldn't come up with anything good so... John Cleese turns 67 today.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Good Old Survival of the Fittest

A Bloomington, Indiana man allegedly burglarized a home, climbed into a Ford Mustang in the burglarized home's garage and then drove through the garage door, apparently because he couldn't figure out how to open or raise the door. During his great escape, he passed an off-duty Ellettsville police officer in a marked squad car. Fearing officers were pursuing him, he tried to hide in nearby Clear Creek Cemetery. When he approached the cemetery, its large metal gate was locked so he did what he knows best: tried to drive through the locked gate at a high speed. This gate was no garage door and the man was killed instantly at the gate of the cemetery. The county coroner has tentatively identified the man, who had no ID on him. He said the man's fingerprints were sent to the FBI for a positive ID. For now, we'll just call him Stupid McIdiot.

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Squashed by A Beetle

If Heather Mills thought her marriage was bad, her life must really suck now that British press is about to render her unconscious with her prosthetic leg then amputate her head with a spreading knife at high tea. The drama surrounding Sir Paul and Lady Marmalade is reaching an all-time high with more rumors than a middle school girls' locker room. Even London's biggest cokehead Kate is on Team Sir Paul - and so the plot thickens...

Heather Mills last night threatened to sue The Sun — as supermodel Kate Moss became the latest to expose her as a LIAR. Lady Mucca, 38, has instructed lawyers to take action after details of her marriage-split with Sir Paul McCartney were published last week. Her legal team claimed that there had been “false, damaging, and immensely upsetting statements” about the former model. But it is not clear what exactly she plans to sue us about. The Sun will vigorously defend any legal action.

Kate, 32, has told Macca’s dress designer daughter Stella, her best friend, that claims in Heather’s leaked divorce are “utter bullshit”. She alleges he got drunk and stoned, beat her up, stabbed her with a broken wine glass, stopped her breastfeeding (because her breasts are his only). At one point in the papers, one-legged Heather said she had to crawl to the toilet at night without her false limb on because ex-Beatle Paul, 64, objected to her using a bedpan in their bedroom. A friend of Kate said: “Kate reassured Stella that she knew Heather was a liar because she had seen her hopping around. “She said she was ‘jumping around like a fucking gazelle’ and is prepared to swear to it, in court if necessary.”Kate added that Heather is “extremely athletic” and “not the sort of person to crawl anywhere." Why the hell didn't the bitch just throw on her leg and walk to the bathroom? It didn't seem so hard for her to rip it off and throw it back on during Larry King. The pal added: “Kate has met Heather and has seen her with the prosthetic limb on and off. She’s now been telling everyone what a scheming liar Heather is.” Sir Paul was deeply hurt by Heather’s claim that he beat her and his late first wife Linda.

Here are the lies that show she doesn't have a leg to stand on:

LIE 1: Lady Mucca frantically denied working as a prostitute. But in July it emerged she was a £5,000-a-night hooker whose clients including arms dealer Adnan Khashoggi and an Arab prince.
LIE 2: Heather told Sir Paul she had only been a topless model. In June we revealed she was snapped in a string of pornographic poses for a German sex manual.
LIE 3: Her first husband Alfie Karmal has branded her a compulsive liar who left him for a ski instructor called Milos.
LIE 4: Former childhood pal Margaret Ambler threatened to sue Heather over her claims they were abducted and sexually abused as kids. Margaret, 40, insists it was only her who suffered the ordeal.
LIE 5: Mucca — who as a teenager admitted shoplifting — stole the identity of a top investigative reporter with the same name, Heather Mills, in a bid to land a TV job. The real journalist said Heather pretended to be her in meetings with telly executives.
LIE 6: Heather’s dad Mark, 65, says she made up stories about him abusing her as a child.

How the hell does this lying, scheming one-legged porn hooker land a guy with over $1 billion AND NO pre-nup? We should take lessons? Doesn't he have handlers to prevent this kind of thing? I think I'm going to be a professional golddigger-prevention agent when I grow up to keep chicks like Heather Mills and Anna Nicole where they belong. In the trash. I bet he wishes she'd run like a fucking gazelle right through one of those landmines she adopted. [source]

Birthday ALARM

Jon Heder is 29. You know his mormon ass will be having one hell of a liquor-and-caffiene-free birthday bash tonight.
This is a day to remember. Natalie Merchant turns 43.
Dylan McDermott is still pretty sexy at 45.
Today Rita Wilson temporarily sheds the title of "Tom Hanks' wife" for "birthday girl." She's 48.
Will Hillary Rodham Clinton run as America's First Elderly Woman President? Her fabulous ass turns 59 today.
K-Mart proudly sponsors Jaclyn Smith's 59th birthday. Free Jaclyn Smith sweatsuits for everyone!
I bet Pat Sajak didn't think he'd still be making 'em spin that wheel at 59.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Animals Are Totally Gay

An image of two male giraffes getting a bit frisky.

Two male giraffes in unequivocal pose, a lesbian swan couple, King penguin colonies with same-sex affinites : a new exhibit in Oslo displays examples of animal homosexuality.

"Against Nature?" is the name of the exhibition in the red brick building on the edge of Oslo's Botanical Gardens. The question mark at the end of the title is of particular importance to exhibit director Söli. He wants to qualify the argument that homosexuality is against nature because, he says, the facts paint a different picture: homosexual behavior has been observed in at least 1,500 species, and in roughly 500 of these cases the findings have been well documented. "And that's only the tip of the iceberg."
The Oslo exhibit documents how reality has now caught up with the scientists: they observed whales, for example, rubbing up against each other with erect penises; a female dolphin gliding her fin into her partner's genital tract; or two male seagulls building a nest together.
The VERY best part of this story is that familes are coming to see the exhibit. Mothers and fathers aren't shy about bringin the kids to see Pete and Willy rubbin' wieners and Betty and Stacey bumpin' uglies. Perfect way to spend a Sunday afternoon in Oslo if you ask me!

YOUR YouTube FIX: Monkeys, Ducks, and Strippers

Pablo Francisco is one FUNNY muthafuckah!

It's Wednesday, folks. We're HALF WAY THERE!!!

Birthday ALARM

Adam Goldberg (Saving Private Ryan ) is 36.

Singer Jon Anderson of Yes is 62.
Actor Brian Kerwin is 57.
Actress Nancy Cartwright (The Simpsons) is 49.
Drummer Chad Smith of Red Hot Chili Peppers is 44..
Actor Michael Boatman (Spin City ) is 42.
Singer Speech (Arrested Development) is 38.
Singer Jerome Jones of Immature is 25.
Singer Ciara is 21.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

New Year Cuntdown

PageSix reports: The underemployed D-list celebs are already trying to get themselves a gig for New Year's Eve. Word on the street is Paris Hilton and Carmen Electra are trying to line up gigs to host celebrations in Miami, New York or Los Angeles - for a pricey sum. Hilton wants $100,000 plus expenses and a private jet for her to host a party, while Electra is cheap - a mere $50,000 and expenses. No jet necessary.

$100,000 + A private jet + expenses = Paris Hilton....or you could just get a whole slew of hookers – you know they’ll come with more personality and a lesser risk of infection. Carmen Electra sounds like a deal though. She can be my $50,000 noisemaker any day of the year.

Two Tush-Trying Blind Vices

That Toothy Tile. He just lives to push the fagola envelope, love that about the young acting hunk! (And I know you do, too.) Now, quite frankly, T2's latest man-on-man moves far outshine his recent movie choices; though, that's an arguable statement at best—I just don't go fer this hetero image Mr. T. is busy trying to push over on his ever loyal, hapless, ticket-buying fans.
But we'll just leave that li'l bit o' politically incorrect poo-pooing and get straight, as it were, to the attempted wild sex in the back of the limousine, 'kay? Thought you might agree...

Oh, gawd, I am getting old. I'm confusing all these closeted fruits into one big ass-banging aspic! So, sorry. It was Jiggly Wiggle-Poof who pounced—quite stupidly, I might add—on his so-not-gay limo driver while out promoting his supersuccessful boob-tube show in some hick state. And let's just say what went down was not at all what Jiggly had in mind (something bruised, not blushing).

Also, there's hope, I want you all to know, for Mr. Tile's movie career. Dare I say some of his future film projects are looking up, because, uh, how can I put this? T.T. has decided to start sleeping with better-looking people now to get his future projects—is that being too crass about it all? In other words, for T.T.'s next 40-foot-wide job, Tooth-doll not only seduced the man who would decide the whole-deal shebang (it's sort of a studly adventure story, in so many ways), he now shares cocaine, hotel suites and party favors with the bigwig. Isn't that sweet when one can stay bestest amigos with one's ladder-climbing bed partners?

Warms my jaded-ass heart.

...and it ain't: Here's who Ted ruled out in other Wiggly Jiggle-Poof BV's:

Celebrity Hijinx previous guesses:

Oldwiseone and I finally agreed that it miiiiiight be Ryan Seacrest about two Jiggly Wiggly-Poof posts ago. That was only after I blamed Chad Michael Murray, Ashton Kutcher and even Ted Casablanca himself. Oh, and Toothy Tile is Jake Gyllenhaal...everyone knows that.

Reichen Isn't As Dumb As He Looks

Reichen Lehmkuhl is talking about his difficult experience in the United States Air Force Academy, where after five years he received an honourable discharge. Moreso, he's speaking about the current 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy of the US military... and he shares his experiences in his new book Here's What We'll Say: Growing Up, Coming Out, and The US Air Force Academy.

"There was definitely an institutionalised acceptance of people being homophobic and telling gay jokes and making homophobic remarks, to the point of, 'Kill gay people.'"

"A bag was put over my head," he said. "I was stripped of my clothes. I was forced to do things sexually with two other male cadets."

The United States is getting ready to vote on the Military Readiness Enhancement Act next month - a bill to repeal the law and allow gays to serve openly in the armed forces.

Up until now, I've only thought of Reichen as a kinda dumb, underwear model/reality television show contestent, boyfriend of an N'Sync'er. I guess if that gives you a platform to speak openly about important issues, I say GIT-R DONE. i still think he's kinda dumb and a bit of an opportunist.


Birthday ALARM

Singer Monica is 26.

Actor David Nelson (The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet ) is 70.
Former Rolling Stones bassist Bill Wyman is 70.
Actor F. Murray Abraham is 67.
Actor Kevin Kline is 59.
Actor B.D. Wong is 44.
Drummer Ben Gillies of Silverchair is 27.
Singer-actress Adrienne Bailon of 3LW (The Cheetah Girls ) is 23.

Monday, October 23, 2006

FASHION FIX: Free Speech Is Tha Bomb?

Fall fashion have you in a rut? Already sick of tights and metallic brocade? Why not try another fall trend: terrorist tops...

Here's the latest tacky trend to hit the concrete runway -- the suicide bomber shirt. Designed to look fabulous with your Sunday-best camoflage/orange huntin' cap.
Or you could go with the suicide bomber shirt's oppositional cousin - the shirt that says "I Am Not A Terrorist" in Arabic. It comes in both white/black writing and black/white writing. Kabbalah shirts are out, Arabic shirts are in. Or if you really need a ton of attention you can just go to Hot Topic and buy one of those statement shirts that says something brilliant like Fuck You You Fucking Fuck: Unless of course you're trying to make some sort of political statement -- then you can just go with something like this:Heck...this fall Celebrity Hijinx recommends you get a face and/or neck tattoo. It will really look amazing with your suicide bomber tee and skinny jeans.

It's All Politics...

As election day nears, the political ads are likely increasing no matter where you live. In the DC metro area, the MD Senate race between Ben Cardin and Michael Steele has become particularly entertaining. Here is a look at a few of the commercials:

Michael Steele loves puppies:

Democrats respond to Michael Steele loving puppies:

Michael Steele smells trash:

Steele and Bush sitting in a tree:

Bring on the freak show:Senate candidate Michael S. Steele garnered support from an unlikely source--former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson. At the news conference in Ohio, where he will return to the ring Friday night, Tyson wore a white-and-blue "Steele for U.S. Senate" T-shirt as he posed for photos with fans and signed autographs. Tyson said he used to believe black Republicans were "sellouts," but he said he changed his mind after researching the Maryland lieutenant governor."We have to open our eyes more," Tyson said, as he pointed to his T-shirt.Tyson's appearance came on the same day that renowned boxing promoter Don King campaigned for Steele in Baltimore and in Prince George's County."Yeah, Michael Steele, y'all, the next United States senator of the great state of Maryland," King said as he stepped off the Republican nominee's big blue campaign bus and set foot on Pennsylvania Avenue yesterday. "He cares about Jesus."

You heard it folks. Michael Steele would make a great Senator--he likes puppies and he cares about Jesus. [source]

YOUR YouTube FIX: Unusual Evidence

This shit is HIJINX!!!

If there's ever been stranger "evidence" in a drug bust, you can slap my ass and call me Stacy.


p.s. make sure no one's looking over your shoulder for this one!

Birthday ALARM

Sexy Bitch Ryan Reynolds (Van Wilder, Blade Trinity) is 30.

Singer Barbara Ann Hawkins of The Dixie Cups is 63.
Director Ang Lee is 52.
Jazz singer Dianne Reeves is 50.
Country singer Dwight Yoakam is 50.
Singer "Weird Al" Yankovic is 47.
Bassist Robert Trujillo of Metallica is 42.
Singer David Thomas of Take 6 is 40.
Drummer Brian Nevin of Big Head Todd and The Monsters is 40.
Actress Masiela Lusha (George Lopez ) is 21.

Friday, October 20, 2006

The Honeymoon Is Officially Over

Nicole Kidman sure knows how to pick 'em. Her first husband was an alien-chasing fag and her second husband just checked himself into rehab after 4 months of marriage.

Here's the statement he conjured up presumably while he was coked up:

"I deeply regret the hurt this has caused Nicole and the ones that love and support me," Urban said in the statement. "One can never let one's guard down on recovery, and I'm afraid that I have. With the strength and unwavering support I am blessed to have from my wife, family and friends, I am determined and resolved to a positive outcome."

So I guess all those rumors about Keith in his bus with chicks and cocaine are true? The official celebrity Hijinx marriage counselor gives it another four months top. Poor Nic, Tom and Katie must be flying around in their spaceship with their asian-alien hybrid in her wig having the last laugh...for now. [source]

Meet The Fuckers

I couldn't have said it better myself.
Thank you, Monique!

Wiener Exposing 101

By now you've all seen these promo shots of Nicky Hilton for her new Nicky O hotel whatever. That's not really what's important. What IS important is what is unseen, and that's the hot model's wiener. As an aside, wiener is not a sophmoric term. It's what I use - therefore, it's completely appropraite. BTW click the photo above for the NSFW version. It's important for you to see it so you can size up my argument.
Now, as for the hot model's wiener. It's disappointing. He's all balls. Now, I understand there's some sensitivity around being naked around people... it can make you nervous --> which makes your wiener shrink. Fine. But when you're nervous and your wiener shrinks, your balls shrink too. Well my friend, not the case here. This model is ALL balls. In fact, this cute proboscis monkey has a bigger nose than this model's wiener.

The male's are so large that they hang down over their mouths. Sometimes they have to push it out of the way before putting something in their mouth. Their noses swell and turn red when they become excited or angry. They also make loud honking sounds as a warning when they sense danger, which make their noses stand out straight.

My advice: If you're wiener is smaller than a monkey's nose, don't do nude photoshoots.


YOUR YouTube FIX: Women Voters Sound Like Sluts

I'm not sure exactly how to say this, but for some reason, I think this ad FUCKING SUCKS. What is the point of putting Felicity Huffman, Marg Helgenberger, Angie Harmon, Rosario Dawson,Tyne Daly and Daphne Zuniga in a commercial about voting, and have it come across as women talking about their first sexual encounter? It's obvious, irritating, stereotypical, and it promotes this idea that women are hyper-sexual... and frankly, I've lost some respect for the women in this commercial.

The commercial starts with the line, "You want me to tell you about the first time I did it?"

No. I don't. Thank you.

Birthday ALARM

Viggo Mortensen is finally becoming a household name at 48.
Bow wow wow yippy yo yippy yay Doggy Dogg's in the motherfuckin house. Snoop D-O Double G puffed his way to 35.
Dannii Minogue is still Kylie's younger sister at 35.
Tom Petty still a heartbreaker at 56?

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Project Recap

Ok. I know I'm a little late on this post but I absolutely-positively-without-a-doubt could NOT keep my lids open for the end of Project Runway last night. Sad, but true. I was going to watch it first thing after work but I had to stop by my doctor to get shot up with 'local anesthesia' for my shoulder. Unfortunately, it went straight to my brain – further prolonging the Project Runway post-- talk about a fun drive home. Anyway, unlike seasons past, I did not peek at the designers’ creations during real NY Fashion week and left this season up to drawn-out production and my TiVo. Could this season seriously have taken any longer? I feel like they started this thing right after season 1. Season two who?

Well…unlike the producers, I’m going to make my rundown on the final 4 short but sweet:

Jeffrey and all his post-drug addict rage won the whole damn thing. It’s not like you didn’t see it coming from a mile and ¾ away after the 26 minute “Jeffrey didn’t sew his own clothes and went over budget” saga. Yay – just what America needs …more neo-punk, neo-goth freak clothes. If you really care, you can read an interview with his cocky ass and neck tattoo here. Uli’s collection wasn’t as haggard looking as her face. Maybe now that it's all over she'll have time to take a nap. So very living-the-American-dream though...Laura’s 4-inch stilettos worked overtime to hold up her supermom-pregnant ass on the runway. I liked her collection best. While it wasn’t all that adventuresome, it was classy and well-made. Plus she gets bonus points because she’s a little bitchy-like me…except I don’t look like a man.Michael’s collection came straight off the rack at d.e.m.o. It was all just so Apple Bottom of him. I really like Michael and I think he’s talented. I hope this collection was a fluke and he doesn’t go straight to dressing cheap hookers. He blames it on his youth. I think it’s because he’s black. He didn't have a chance. You know Tim Gunn can’t just isn’t ready for a not-quite-gay black man to win.
If you didn't catch the show, you can view some pictures on the Project Runway website or just tune into Bravo -- I'm sure they'll be rerunning it for the next 3 months or until Project Runway 4.

YOUR 15 MINUTES: They're Fighting Back, Bitches

This story reminds me several songs that my roommate may or may not have illegally downloaded onto my computer. The first is a Sheryl Crow song, "The First Cut Is The Deepest," for obvious reasons. The second, and of course this is a shameless plug for my boyfriend JT, but the song is called "What Goes Around.../...Comes Around" and this again, for OBVIOUS reasons.

Anyway, on to the story... a leaping stingray stabbed an 81-year-old Florida boater in the chest leaving its poisonous stinger lodged close to his heart in an incident recalling the one that killed Australian TV naturalist Steve Irwin last month.

"For an 81-year-old man he's in really good shape," the old dude's friend added, saying Bertakis (AKA THE OLD DUDE) was expected to make a full recovery after surgery at a local hospital to have the stinger removed from his chest.

It's called interspecies communication bitches. You think stingrays don't read the papers? They know we've been talkin' some shit, and they're PISSED.

If any stingrays are reading this blog, we here at celebrity hijinx love you - so please don't go stabbing us in the heart. I've got enough of that going on without you little slimmy bitches fuckin' shit up for me.


Up In Smoke

Christina Aguilera says that 'naked Sundays' and 'taco nights' are key to a successful marriage. She should know - I mean, she and Bratman have been married a whole 5 minutes.

The 25-year-old, who has been married to Jordan Bratman for nearly a year, told Cosmopolitan magazine: "We have naked Sundays. You just lie in bed all day and chill with each other and do things that husbands and wives do. We love our cosiness."

Apparently, not only do they get cozy in the kitchen, she get down and DIRRRRRRRRTY too:

"We have our FISH taco night," she explained. "He cooks slaps me in the face with the meat and I chop the tomatoes and the lettuce. It's important to take time for your spouse and nurture the relationship."

I have taco night too. Right after I smoke da chronic, which is precisely what Big-Lip-Bratman is doing right before he hopped onto his mountain bike. Puff Puff Pass N-n-nuica.


YOUR YouTube FIX: The Most Honest Wedding Vows EVER

One of my best friends is getting married in 10 days, and although I don't expect them to exchange their vows in quite the same way, I do intend to DRINK HEAVILY at the reception.

Alcohol is truth serum... and I'm not afraid to use it.

Pair this video with your morning coffee for the perfect start to your day.


Birthday ALARM

Comedian Chris Kattan (Saturday Night Live ) is 36.

Artist Peter Max is 69. .
Talk show host Charlie Chase is 54.
Singer Jennifer Holliday is 46.
Actor Jon Favreau is 40.
South Park co-creator Trey Parker is 37.
Singer Pras Michel of The Fugees is 34.
Actor Omar Gooding (Hangin' With Mr. Cooper ) is 30.
Country singer Cyndi Thomson is 30.
Actor Benjamin Salisbury (The Nanny ) is 26.