More Desperate, Talentless Bitches

My recent guilty pleasure has been Bravo’s new show called “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” although a more appropriate title would probably be “The Really Desperate, Brainless, Insipid Housewives of Orange County who Mainly Look Like 40 year-old Trannies.” After a few DVRed, mind-numbing episodes, I feel as if I now killed enough brain cells to give a little rundown of the show. See, the OC is an ok show and Desperate Housewives is entertaining at times, but whoever thought that adding those two shows together and multiplying it by reality TV ending in a television equation that ends in an adult version of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County should be tarred and feathered in the middle of Coto de Caza and then shot to death.

In case you commoners don't know this already: Coto de Caza is supposed to be one of America’s wealthiest planned, gated community where houses cost an average of $1.6 million (which in today's market isn't that impressive) and come complete with an equestrian center, tennis courts, etc. I believe the initial concept of this show was to give average Americans a glimpse of “what happens behind the gates” with the "luxurious lifestyles" of five “beautiful” rich women so everyone can be jealous of their lifestyles. After a few episodes I’m now glad these wack jobs live BEHIND gates in their own little zoo. See, they think the gates are keeping us away from them but really we should all be happy that those gates are keeping them away from us. Joke's on you, bitches. So here’s a rundown of the cast provided by Bravo and then of course my viewer opinions follow - which is basically unsugarcoating Bravo...
Kimberly Bryant, 45. Bryant may be the only traditional “real housewife” in the show. She has an executive husband, Scott, who earns enough at his Fortune 200 company so she doesn’t have to work. Her two kids are Bianca, 13, and Travis, 7. Some might say she’s the classic “trophy wife,” with blond hair, a nice figure and breast enlargements. She is also quite articulate, feeds her family organic foods and doesn’t even have a TV connected in the house. She is a fitness enthusiast, devoting several hours a week to mountain biking, hiking and Pilates. She also has a wild side and likes to let loose with her girlfriends on mini-trips. “It’s harmless, it’s delightful, it’s entertainment,” she says about the show. “We’re not curing cancer here.”

First of all, thank God these women aren't curing cancer because we would have a serious heath crisis on our hands. These bitches couldn't cure a ham. There are three blondes on this show. I can barely tell two of them (Kimberly and Lauri) apart because they both look like the same fake, plastic human Barbie. The third one, Vicki, wants to look like a fake, plastic human Barbie but she too much of a pig nose to be able to pull it off. Kim is supposed to be some “trophy wife” but I thought the key to being a trophy wife was to be young and pretty so I’m still trying to figure that thing out. At least she pretends to be one inside her head. She is the only REAL housewive on the show so I give her major credit for that. I believe Kimberly is the one who always hypocritically talks about how she takes such good care of her health – she had five melanomas but she’s still tan and plays tennis in the sun and her fake boobs look like two big rocks hanging off her chest with the potential to cause her to lose her balance and fall forward to the ground at any second. It's happening in the photo above.

Jeana Keough, 51. She’s a former model, actress and Playboy Playmate. She appeared in several ZZ Top videos during the band’s heyday in the 1980s. She married former major league pitcher Matt Keough, and has lived in Coto de Caza for 19 years. The Keoughs have three kids: Shane, 19, Kara, 17, and Colton, 13. Keough is the prototypical mom in the show, guiding Shane toward a possible career in baseball and Kara through cars and grades. Kara is also an actress – she appeared in the movie “Outbreak” in 1995. Keough dabbles in real estate, selling multimillion-dollar homes to Orange County families. She says living in Coto and dealing in real estate “has taken my shopping to a whole new level.” But Keough is realistic about what “The Real Housewives” will and won’t do. “Some of us have something to lose if we aren’t perceived well.”

Jeana is the only wife that doesn’t look like she's had fat sucked out of her ass and injected into her face. She is a tad overweight, brunette and extremely confident. My deskchair psychological analysis of her is that she was attractive when she was young and probably got all of the justification she needed as a model to not turn into some crazed, deformed plastic tranny like the rest of them. At times she seems like a mom who relates well with her children, even if her kids somehow missed some important evolutionary steps and a few chromosomes along the way. At other times she seems like a total mom-ster: at one point she said her son would be considered a failure if he did not make it to the major leagues. She's my favorite.

Vicki Gunvalson, 43. She’s successful, self-made and no nonsense. Gunvalson is one of the country’s top-selling insurance brokers. That allows her to afford a luxurious home in Coto (worth between $3 million and $3.5 million) with a waterfall over the pool. But she rarely gets to enjoy it because of work. Gunvalson is a devout Christian, married for the second time. “I work hard and play hard,” she says. “That’s my motto. I love to have fun.” Gunvalson runs her insurance business out of her home and employs Lauri Waring, another “real housewife.” She has two kids, Briana, 18, and Michael, 20, and tries hard to keep them motivated.

Vicki, the pig snout one, is a hideously insecure, demanding bitch who acts like an idiot and prides herself on thinking she’s a MILF. She’s actually said it aloud...I believe in front of her kids and their friends...more than once. That's like breaking rule #2 in the universal code of MILF conduct. One of the other blonde moms (either Kimberly or Lauri) also talks about being a MILF. What their sad, insecure asses don’t understand is that the term “MILF” should really only be used by 16 year old boys. It’s pretty depressing when 40+ year old women justify themselves on whether or not underage boys, including their children’s friends, think they’re hot.

Lauri Waring, 45. She may lead the least glamorous life in Coto de Caza, but Waring used to live the high life. When she was married, she lived in a nice Coto home. But a recent divorce forced her to downsize her lifestyle and move with her kids to smaller digs. A former model, Waring works for Vicki Gunvalson in her insurance business. She tries to balance work with raising her kids and some semblance of a social life. Her kids are Ashley, 20, Josh, 16, and Sophie, 7. Waring goes to great lengths to maintain her looks, including Botox and plastic surgery. “In Orange County, people just don’t get old,” she says in one of the episodes. “If you want to look 32 forever, that’s the price you pay.”

Lauri is one of the confusing blondes. She is supposedly a former "model" but she looks more like a former Skinimax star than an acutal model of any sort. She says that if you want to look 32 forever, you have to do something about it. She doesn’t plan on ever looking any older than 32. Unfortunately her money has gone to waste because there is NO way anyone would ever mistake her for a 32 year old. Instead of Botox and plastic surgery she should’ve spent her money on things that most parents would; like a lawyer for her juvenile delinquent son. This "glamorous" mom let a public defender try to get him out of juvenile hall. With priorities like hers, it’s no wonder her son is a delinquent and her 20 year-old daughter needs about 6 slaps across the face.

Jo De La Rosa, 24. De La Rosa may be the exception in this group. She’s young and not married – she’s engaged to successful businessman Slade Smiley. She’s also Latina, born in Peru. A graduate of UC Irvine, De La Rosa resists her fiancé’s desires for her to stay at home, watch the kids (from Smiley’s previous relationships) and clean the house.

Ok, I saved the best for last here. I really can’t find any redeeming qualities in Jo so I’m going to go ahead and assume she gives good blowjobs. She apparently works as a "mortgage consultant," which probably means she answers the phone when people call in after they see a DiTech commercial. She looks much older than the 24 years she claims to be. I can assume she’s lived in the US most of her life because she doesn’t have an accent and she’s pretty much an Americanized bimbo who translates the price of everything into the number of Louis Vuitton purses she can buy with the amount of money in question. During one show her fiancée made her dress up in a French maid costume and dust with pledge while he stood around licking his lips going ‘oh yeah’ like a disgusting pig. When he told her to dust with “Pledge” she said “what’s Pledge?” I’m sorry but Hispanics know all about Pledge. Oh come on, she wasn't always wealthy - her parents won the lottery when she was young. But seriously, I have a cleaning lady and I still know all about Pledge. This vapid chica is living proof that just because one has a college education one can still be a brainless bimbo. She is always drinking on the show, assumingly because her fiancée is such a disgusting, nasty man. I give them a few more months before she revolts and goes back to her plastic cup beer drinking frat boy fucking ways. Her fiancée, Slade Smiley, is the most repulsive person I’ve ever seen in my life next to my ex-boyfriend who I think is Slade Smiley's long lost twin. He’s total nouveau rich white trash. He's more like Shade Slimy than Slade Smiley. He treats his fiancée like a submissive, retarded, immigrant sex toy nanny. He drives a Hummer, has a small penis and knows it.

If this is what it 's like to be housewife in Orange County, I'm glad I live in Virginia.