Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The Devil Wears A Little Black Dress at 7am

So last night shortly after I declared nuclear war on the 3 year-old asshole in the condo above me, I came across this article accusing Ann Coulter of plagiarism. Not like they James Frey way of making up stories, actual get-kicked-out-of -college plagiarism.

Article Example 1:
Here's Coulter from
Chapter 1 of Godless: The massive Dickey-Lincoln Dam, a $227 million hydroelectric project proposed on upper St. John River in Maine, was halted by the discovery of the Furbish lousewort, a plant previously believed to be extinct.
Here's the Portland Press Herald, from the year 2000, in
its list of the "Maine Stories of the Century": The massive Dickey-Lincoln Dam, a $227 million hydroelectric project proposed on upper St. John River, is halted by the discovery of the Furbish lousewort, a plant believed to be extinct.

Article Example 2:
Here's Coulter writing about an attack on the Alaska pipeline: A few years after oil drilling began in Prudhoe Bay, Alaska, a saboteur set off an explosion blowing a hole in the pipeline and releasing an estimated 550,000 gallons of oil.

something from the History Channel: The only major oil spill on land occurred when an unknown saboteur blew a hole in the pipe near Fairbanks, and 550,000 gallons of oil spilled onto the ground.

Why, in this age of the "terrorist," would Coulter use "saboteur," a quaint term, to be sure? Could it be a cut and paste job with a couple of words changed, like a good college freshman?

Some of you are probably saying “Great, but who the fuck is Ann Coulter?” If you were not already previously familiar with the uber-conservative hate-monger, I assumed that by now most of you saw her early morning scalding of Matt Lauer circulating the internet (shown below). Ann Coulter is a malevolent, tactless, homophobic, racist, columnist, author, lawyer, television pundit and polemicist. She is the raised-by-wolves, daughter-of-Satan who spews unbearable hate and uses an optical illusion of black cocktail dresses and blonde hair to mask her underlying manliness. She doesn’t just dislike anyone to the left of Ronald Reagan, she hates them. She is a vehement critic of just about everything except what falls into her complexly distorted view of conservatism and fundamentalist Christianity. Ann says things like “I think our motto should be, post-9-11: raghead talks tough, raghead faces consequences.” “Americans express pride in their slave-trading ancestors by calling themselves "African-Americans" and donning African garb” and “women are not as bright as men and have no capacity to understand how money is earned.” Isn’t she a peachy little delight? She evokes some sort of weird “my mother smoked crack and my uncle rob molested me as a child” kind of rage in me. Of course my mother never smoked anything and I don’t have an uncle rob, which proves that if anything, Ann is incredibly good at evoking strong emotions… just like the 3 year-old girl upstairs. Do you think using a 3 year-old as a weapon could cause enough blunt force trauma to shut up both of these bitches?

Ann’s “Today” interview gives us a brief glimpse into the dark depths of her cavernous heart, which I presume only uses its right ventricle. It’s about time Matt Lauer goes word-to-word with some famous person and their controversially outspoken ideals. It’s been almost a year since the psychiatrically-omniscient Tom Cruise lashed out at Matt while bringing the adjective “glib” out of linguistic retirement. I enjoy watching Matt work for his money. I’d much rather see him doing a little 7am tap dance around debate than a sniffling, scratchy-voiced Lindsay Lohan in a day-old outfit using the last of her dried-up acting talent to convince us that she’s just a normal 19 year-old who works really, really hard. I’m starting to wonder if Ann was in her night-before outfit too because I can’t think of a woman who seriously puts on a sleeveless little black dress at 7am. Apparently Ann never learned that whole "love thy neighbor" thing in her Christian studies OR how to use a diffuser and some anti-frizz product on her hair.


Sarah said...

My god. I couldn't watch that video until I got home because my work computer is stupid. Someone should hurt her very badly. And give her some deep conditioner. And maybe some cover up for the dark circles around her ugly ass eyes.

DrDiSaia said...

She is promoting her book. You (and others) are selling it for her. She is having the last laugh here.

xine said...

You could make the argument that everyone who's featured on the site is in some way being promoted. however, this site is "literally" a critique of popular culture. Hopefully we've informed our readers enough that they'll pass by her book at Barnes & Noble instead of checking out what's behind the cover. :)

Anonymous said...

It must be tough to tuck it far enough back to wear a dress like that.

Sarah said...

I don't think I'll buy her book after reading that. So I guess I'm having the last laugh.