YOUR 15 MINUTES: Confiscate Me

Early-post 9/11, I had so many tweezers and nail scissors taken away from me at the airport, they could’ve started a cosmetics counter. Seriously though, what kind of threat did I really pose? Over-tweezing the pilot’s eyebrows? Of course my temper and I always accused security of keeping them -- you know those bitches can't afford $40 tweezers. Well I've finally found out what they do with all those confiscated items...they sell them on ebay! God, that sounds like a another accusation I'd make... Pennsylvania, once the happy home of 2/3 of Celebrity Hijinx, started this program in June 2004, and has made over $307,000 since. Overhead is low –students from a truck-driving school pick up the merchandise, and it's sorted by state workers who can't do their normal duties because of injury or other reasons.

Ninety-eight percent of it will sell. Knives, auctioned by the lot, sell fastest. Ten pounds of assorted pocket knives, for example, recently attracted nine bids and sold for $42. Some of the more than 2 tons of miscellany that arrives every month consists of weapons, potential weapons and squirt guns. However, sometimes it’s not as simple as knives -- man-sized artificial palm tree and a sausage grinder have shared space in a state government warehouse with piles of Swiss Army knives, chain saws, two sombreros, nail clippers, a plaque from a fishing contest in Cayuga Lake, New York, a jungle machete and about 100 sets of handcuffs, some fur-lined, cuticle scissors, Wiffle Ball bats, frosting-encrusted wedding cake servers, assorted sex toys, a couple of chain saws, and a Christmas ornament decorated with the logo of hot dog purveyor Nathan's Famous, auto parts, kitchen implements, gardening tools, jewelry, sporting goods, batteries, a single deer antler, my father’s new scissors and shaving kit and a box full of blenders. The Transportation Security Administration said 10 million prohibited items have been seized or voluntarily turned over this year nationwide. Pennsylvania has agreed to accept items from airports in Philadelphia, Harrisburg, Johnstown and Allentown; Kennedy, LaGuardia and two other airports in New York; Newark and Trenton in New Jersey; Nantucket in Massachusetts, and Cleveland in Ohio. Pennsylvania has modified its program to maximize profitability. Smaller lots bring in more cash, so it no longer offers bulk sales like the 500 small Swiss Army knives that went for a record $595. It also tries to package items together as a marketing hook. Hockey sticks, pucks and a goalie's mask were bundled for sale around the time of the Stanley Cup playoffs; gardening tools are sold in the spring; exercise weights are auctioned in early January to capitalize on New Year's resolutions; and baseball bats are put up for bid just before the World Series. Hess said a hunting-season kit that included a buck knife, rope, flashlight and an all-purpose Leatherman tool sold "like hot cakes" before the start of deer season. Kentucky, one of at least three other states that sells airport surplus on eBay, brings in $3,000 a month and stocks state agencies with surrendered hand tools and other equipment. "There are thousands of stories out there on why people either forget or just don't know the rules," said TSA spokesman Darrin Kayser. You better believe there’s going to be thousands of pissed off women telling stories about how the TSA workers stole their makeup (after this latest terrorist threat) and felt them up (you know they get a cheap thrill out of that. My big boobs get it every time). Federal law gives states the right to get banned or discarded items from the TSA contractor responsible for removing them. [source]