One Homo Handed Blind Vice

Oh, let's not talk about Farley Soosh-Spurn, he's so, well, obvious about his boyish activities round T-Town—even I've seen him picking up handsome chaps whose pupils are dazzled by Mr. S.S.'s celebrity (and certainly not by Far's dubious mug). Yawn, whatev. So reminds me of bubbly blond chicks kissing up to dog-meat producers aged enough to be their grandfathers, old story in T-Town.

Far more fetching a tale would involve all kank-ee things Whip-Me Mendelson. Whip, mind you, is known for the utter antithesis of his Christian name and then some. Yep, Whip's made a fairly lucrative career of exploring the rather dorky side of various arts—and getting quasi-decent reviews in the process. Like, what is it about nerds that sends the world all atwitter, like gals get round rock stars? Never understood that nebbish dynamic, but that's not what we're here to discuss. Nope, that would, instead, be chains, anal balls, shaving from the neck down with electric pin shocks inserted into one's scrotum, à la acupuncture and sundry other S&M treats Mr. Mendelson has also developed a reputation for—off camera (far, far off).

And it gets better: Recently, Whip's been in the news, his b-f less so. But what nobody's been picking up is the dish involving Whip and a veddy famous reclusive celeb with whom W.M.M. continues to have a master-slave thang goin' down 'tween the sheets. Three guesses who's the rump-slave in distress and who's Mr. Punisher. Now, that's a press release I want to see. People mag, I friggin' dare ya! It ain't: