Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Three Envelope-Dangling Blind Vices

Is it the upcoming holiday season, or is our lovely assortment of trim-waisted (and closeted) H-town fruitcakes getting increasingly mistletoe-ready in public 'cause they're getting closer and closer to officially coming out? (As if anybody left in the free world doesn't friggin' know who these cavorting fagolas are.)

First off, our fave, and top tumescent dawg, Toothy Tile: T2 was just caught at a fancy-ass New Yawk restaurant playing footsie with the b-f underneath the table. Right in front of Tooth's 'rents! And the busboys! Not to mention a few (thank gawd) Awful Truth readers, too fun. Tooth-doll, makes sense, as I hear you're getting thisclose to superdomesticating things with your most benevolently forgiving man. What, getting tired of the doin'-it-in-the-parking-lot scene, T-man? Regardless, congrats!

Even more daring would be Renaldo Rim-Me, who's now holding hands with his main hombre in myriad Starbucks and quasi-posh dance clubs across the nation. What-ev.

But really, the more intriguing of our on-the-edge homo report this week involves Matinee Mooner, who's about as discreet with his homosexuality as Star Jones Reynolds is with her temper. Yet in between screwing his latest male conquest in myriad semipublic locales (takes after Toothy, this one), Mr. Mooner took time out to plug his almost heady career, stopping over for a little couch chat with Oprah, and seduced her so in the process. Not on camera (or behind), mind you, M2 just sorta got his pearlie jobs all sparkling fer the talented broad, and it was no secret Ms. O. was rather smitten. Must explain why, then, some important members of O.'s team subsequently made it quite plain to a visiting friend of theirs, a little later on, that Matinee was, like, "so gay." This announcement by the big O.'s pro campers came right after their innocent little amiga proclaimed her smitten-ness for M.M. Jeez, Moon-babe. When the nation's most powerful boob-tube movers 'n' shakers are busy spreading your boy-on-boy biz, I'd say that 9-to-5 gig of yours might be coming to a halt. Or at least a bit o' a slow down. Just a hunch, nothing more. Have fun, all you handsome horn dogs!

It's not:

My Guesses:

Toothy Tile: If it's not Jake Gyllenhaal, I feel really bad for him...

Renaldo Rim-Me: Ricky Martin -- you know this one has some latin blood. Or what about Gay AL. Not latin but likes to go to clubs.. OR - what if this was Neil Patrick Harris before his press release...maybe?

Matinee Mooner: Matthew McConaughey -- on Oprah.

3 comments:

oldwiseone said...

I agree with your first two guesses, but I am torn for Matinee Mooner between Matthew McConaughey and Jamie Foxx.

xine said...

I think your choice is a better choice. It makes more sense. Jamie Foxx is a much better match for Oprah. Replace Oprah with Xine and Matthew McConaughey would be the right guess...but with Oprah, not so much. So was Jaime Foxx anywhere around Oprah lately?

oldwiseone said...

That's the problem - I don't think he has been on for 8 months or so, but Oprah did seem quite smitten with him.

Then when I reread the item, I wonder if Oprah is the smitten one, or if it's the visiting friend who is smitten? In which case maybe McConaugay fits better. I'd better track down my universal translator...