YOUR 15 MINUTES: The Art of Flirt

When it comes to flirting, forget about getting guts and use your brain. Think positive thoughts. "It's really about the energy you are putting out," said Jill Spiegel, flirt coach and author, "and that comes from your thoughts." When you walk into a room, confidence is the key to making people notice you. When you feel happy, you look happy and inviting. People will gravitate to you. "Don't psyche yourself out," she said. "People think flirting is clever, witty, seductive or saying the right thing, and they let all their fears and doubts come out."Spiegel said when you are in an elevator with a hottie (like my superstar friend pictured above -- back left! Such an actress!) and you want to talk to them, start with a smile and eye contact. When they smile back, offer a compliment. People crave to be validated. Tell them their smile was the pick-me-up you needed on a Monday," she said. Be sure to ask them why they are in the elevator - do they live or work there? Try to find common ground to keep the conversation going. Once you exchange names, you've created a bond. And if you are interested in more than a conversation, do the commitment check. "Say something like, 'Don't you look nice, you must be going to visit your wife,'" she said. If their response is "No, I am single," you are in. If they say, "Oh yes, I am," keep flirting in a friendly way. They might tell you they think you are adorable and get your number for a friend. Dr. Hubert Fleming, a relationship columnist, said the act of flirting is just one tool to open the lines of communication and a way to meet people. "Flirting is not simply verbal," Fleming said. "It's body language, facial expressions and touching." It always seems some people are more successful at flirting than others. Some guys have all the luck, right? Fleming said people who feel comfortable with themselves are more likely to flirt. And when it comes to flirting, Fleming said, there are two rules you should never forget. "No. 1, understand what it is you are communicating with people, and No. 2, don't insult them," he said. (I'm the queen of flirting but also the one who often slips out the accidental insults) Because Fleming said flirting is just one tool in the toolbox of beginning relationships, it doesn't have to be the end all, be all.

Flirting doesn't always require words. Dr. Scott Haltzman, board certified in psychiatry, researches the nonverbal clues women give when communicating. "If you take a careful look," he said, "men won't approach girls until there is a clear signal that she wants to be asked out."
Haltzman uses his research to help his younger, single male clients who often don't know how to initiate interactions with people or how to read signs that someone is attracted to them. Some people, he said, aren't equipped with the social cues they need.

Here are some of the signs a woman is open to approach:
· She sustains eye contact.
· She looks directly at either the man's eyes or lips.
· She frequently turns her eyes away to one side when he looks at her.
· She reaches her hands to her face and covers her mouth.
· She flips her hair.
· She strokes the bottle or glass in front of her.
· She laughs more often.
Men try to make themselves more appealing until they get the signal from a woman. Here are a few signs that he is waiting for a girl's sign:
· He talks louder.
· He has a more erect posture.
· He opens up his chest in an attempt to take up more space.

DOS AND DON'TS
Flirting dos
· Maintain good eye contact. The eyes have a way of telling what's going on in your mind.
· Compliment their outfit. Men and women both enjoy hearing they look good.
· Ask engaging questions. Show the person you care about his or her life.
· Touch the other person's shoulder or knee as appropriate. The human touch is worth a thousand words.
· Laugh at their jokes. We all like to think we're funny. Positive reinforcement will loosen the mood.
Flirting don'ts
· Don't be overly bawdy. There is certainly something to be said for subtlety.
· Don't answer your cell phone while in mid-flirt. Nothing kills the mood like a chronic phone yapper.
· Don't hide in your shell. Shrinking violets miss out on all the fun.
· Don't drink too much. Slurring speech and falling all over the place are not attractive.
· Don't talk about heavy topics. No one wants to be around "Saturday Night Live's" "Debbie Downer." For more flirting guidelines and resources, click here.