2006 Celebrity Hard-Hitters

I haven't been online in almost 2 weeks! ...which obviously explains why I haven't been posting. So to start the new year, I'm posting some shit about the old year. I can sum 2006 into the year of the Britney, Paris and Lindsay.These three gossip whores generated a majority of the posts on CelebHijinx. The minority of the posts were, of course, cutting-edge world news items, in-depth sociological analysis of family structures, human behavior and relationships as well as a number of small, academic studies on foreign policy -- expect nothing less in 2007. So here are some highlights of our top 3 celebrity media messes of 2006:

3. Britney Spears:

• Had another kid
• Sued US Weekly
• Was turned into a birthing sculpture
• Did some un-motherly stuff
• Did some more un-motherly stuff
• Brokedown with Matt Lauer
• Dyed her hair black
• Dyed her hair blonde again
• Dyed her hair brown
• Dyed her hair blonde again
• Her baby was voted worst dressed in Esquire Magazine
• Husband sold 6,500 copies of his shitty CD justifying the title America’s Most Hated
• Britney quickly ditched the low-selling wonder
• Filed for divorce
• Deadbeat daddy filed for custody
• Was best friends with Paris Hilton for 2 weeks
• Flashed her cooter
• “Fell asleep” in a club on New Years

2. Paris Hilton

• Fought with Lindsay
• Someone stole her $10,000 mother’s day present
• Partook in some Firecrotch
• Hung out with Perez Hilton to try to get some good press. (I know, that doesn’t really make sense)
• Called Lindsay Lohan a cunt
• Made a shitty album/music video
• Flashed a nipple
• Shot another season of the Shitty Life
• Herpes
• More feuding with Nicole Richie
• Was sued by some Greek bitch
• Dated some Greek dudes
• Buried her dead goat next to Marilyn Monroe or something
• Renewed “friendship” with Nicole Richie
• Did I mention that shitty album
• Well then I guess it’s about time to mention the DUI.
• Was possibly punched in the face by a former beauty queen.
• Spotted out and about with some drugs
• More fights with Lindsay Lohan
• Acquired temporary new BFF Britney Spears
• Somehow made it so that Britney Spears showed her lady parts to the world. For free.
• Spent New Years in Australia with sometimes-friend Kim Kardashian

1. The Biggest Mess of 2006 goes to Lindsay Lohan

• kicked bulimia. She was bulimic, right? Wait, no she wasn’t. Wait, yes she was.
• Love life:
  Flipped out on Brett Ratner is a slimy, not-so-attractive, closer-to-40 than-30 director
  Dated Jamie Dornan, Keira Knightley's ex.
  Harry morton
  Some British lothario
  Etc.
• Had a horrendous interview with Matt Lauer – he asked questions and she responded with sniffles.
• Obviously worked harder than all of the non-working people she knows
• Still, partied. a lot.
• Fought with Paris Hilton
• Was on the receiving end of the Firecrotch incident
• Wore some horrendous outfits that the 80’s wouldn’t even wear..
• Cut her leg with a teacup after falling on some stairs because she just got out of the bath and had lotion on…
• Apparently grew a 7 ft. long clit
• Hung out with almost-dead Karl Lagerfeld until she did too many drugs yet gained too much weight
• Partied some more..
• Turned 20
• Kept herself in the press by calling herself a ‘dirty girl”
• Firecrotch started dating the owner of Pink Taco who happens to be really, really rich
• Used her freckly face to do an ad for Proactive earning her $2 million. She should’ve done an ad for a company who sells freckle juice to cover up blemishes.
• Showed off her boobs
• Made up with Paris Hilton
• Crashed her car
• Collapsed, again.
• Received a nasty, nasty letter from a studio head about her lack of professionalism and general stench
• Partied with her mom, who by the way, is the New White Oprah
• Fought with Paris Hilton again
• Was the subject of her father’s epic prison sketches
• Engagement rumors
• Broke a wrist
• Grew a double chin
• Partied with Kate Moss
• Cut her own wrists aka. Fell in a bush
• Chased down police
• Wrote several career-damaging emails
• Called some people ‘cunts’
• Showed off her fire-cooch
• Freaked out at some awards dinner
• Started stripping. For a movie, of course
• Made fun of strippers
• Made fun of by strippers
• Joined AA
• Promptly forgot what the second ‘A’ stands for…
• Probably “collapsed” at New Years…
• …and scene.