Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Jesus Scared Him Straight

Remember not too long ago when Evangelical Church leader Ted Haggard was caught with a male prostitute and methamphetamine? Well apparently he went to weekend anti-gay boot camp over the holidays and he's straight now. His gay disease has been cured. He rubbed the magic Bible and was granted three wishes: he used the first to get the taste of dick out of his mouth, the second to turn him straight and the last for a lifetime supply of hair product. His wife decided to stick with him and they're going to move out of state so he can find some fresh gay ass and start over. Horray! Appletinis for everyone!

The prostitute who first exposed Evangelical minister Ted Haggard as a closeted gay man and crystal meth user has responded to Haggard's claim that he has successfully completed three weeks of "ex-gay" counseling. In response to Haggard's statement, Jones giggled and responded "Well, that's the quickest therapy I've ever heard of. It's hard for me to imagine someone who is performing oral sex and saying that he is 'straight.' That just doesn't jive." If you were to ask me 'Do I think is Ted haggard gay?' I would have to say 'yes'," he added [source thanks Dave].

Look people, I have a doctorate in gay men and a masters degree in gay Christian men who try to turn straight – and this is a big flaming bible of bullshit. Straight men don’t do anything sexual with other men, especially gay hookers. Gay men like to have sex with other men, hookers or not. Considering he was married to a woman and was entertaining a male hooker in the bedroom, he fits the bisexual bill – (n.) a tendency to direct sexual desire toward both sexes. Do I think a guy with a predilection to have sex with guys and girls can learn enjoy his heterosexual side? Sure. Do I think you can become ungay in three weeks? No way. You can’t even Betty Ford your way off drugs in three weeks. Sometimes I don’t go tanning for a few weeks but that doesn’t make me any less of a tanorexic.

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