One Effed-Up Blind Vice

Now, I’ve heard of studios having it in their stars’ contracts (or, at least, agreed to under the proverbial slutty table) for them to hook up off camera, just to drive the rag-addicted ones into a ticket-buying frenzy, but did you ever think such plotting poop-heads would ask their leads to...bust up? Nope, nor did I. I’m such a romantic fool, ya might say, never thought that one would go down. But go dirty-down, it did. Well, at least it’s supposed to, when Virginal Vexed finally goes public with the fact that she’s broken up with her gorgeous and multitalented guy, Bi Cepps. Oh, how damn twisted is this town, already? Don’t answer that. Instead, read on:

Prom Night Naughtiness is expected to pack 'em in, certainly in the teeny-pimply crowd, that’s fer sure. The soon-to-be released flick is—how shall I put this?—a groundbreaking hotbed of entertaining yet importantly cheesy effects and moods. Typical kinda pic that’ll make audiences scream yet feel like they’ve left actually learning something, ya know? Like Courteney Cox taught us in Scream 3 that all us journos are evil, right?

Regardless, Ms. Vee thinks her man is pretty demonic, has for some time now. Could that be why everybody she’s worked with on her past films wants to boil the potty-mouthed witch in oil, with Joan Rivers' excised body parts for proper seasoning? But that’s not the point, which is simply that, conveniently for Virgy, Prom’s distributor requested that V. and her man, Bi, break up shortly after the film’s release, just to ensure that much more mindless lapping from the more gossipy movie fans. This is not a joke. It ain't:Jessica Alba/Cash Warren; Vanessa Minillo/Nick Lachey; Naiomi Watts/Liev Schriber. HMMM...Who's virginial these days, seriously? I don't think Hilary Duff has a boyfriend.