Grammy Report

I watched the Grammy awards last night but was smart enough to record the show on my DVR and start watching it over an hour later so that I could fast forward through all of the commercials, performances I didn't like and bad speeches. I took some notes on my personal opinions of the show, performers, outfits, etc. to share with you informally:

Madonna was fabulous. The leotard thing is getting old but if I was 47 years old and looked that good in a purple leotard you better believe I'd be prancing around on national TV in it too. I enjoyed her dancers and I thought she sounded great. Gorillaz...not so much. The whole cartoon on stage thing just wasn't totally working for me. They should've just let Madonna have the whole slot to do something even more fabulous. I'm so glad they didn't let Mariah Mimi perform because all she does is scream and wave her arms.

Alicia Keys looked better than I've ever seen her look before. Albeit the dress was a little costume-y, her skin was flawless, her body was bangin' and her hair is finally out of those damn braids. Go Alicia.

I need about a whole blog entry just to talk about Kanye West. What the fuck was up with Kanye's disco dancer pimp pirate outfit? And those sunglasses? Hideous. Nothing's worse than having to look at someone's short n' curlies for an extended amount of time...on their chest. It just takes me to bad places. He was totally arrogant with that "Thank you list" thing he held up as he was accepting his award. If he meant it as a joke it totally came across the wrong way. More on him later. I'm not a fan of his bitch's shoes. She looks like she's not too happy to be standing on the green carpet. It must really suck being a beard for the Grammy awards.

Gwen Stefani looked radiantly pregnant. I'm sad she didn't win.

Sheryl Crow needs to gain a few. I'm not a fan of the sternum look but I'm especially not a fan of the sternum look on someone her age.

Again, I'm convinced Mariah's dog is also her stylist. I hated that lampshade/ballerina off-white minidress-with-drapes-attached-to-the-hem tragedy she wore while she was performing. Not only was it about two sizes too small, the "mini dress" aspect of it was about 6 inches too short. It's like she was wrapped up in an awkward configuration of Ace bandages. Her voice is powerful. I give her that much but her performance almost put.me.to.sleep..zzzzzzzzz. My boyfriend couldn't get past that thing she does with her arms -- waving them all over the place like she's having some sort of problem.

Jay-Z looked fantastic when he performed with Linkin Park and *surprise* Paul McCartney. I enjoyed this performance. I loved the way Jay-Z did the John Lennon shirt under the white suit with those incredible sunglasses. Kanye could learn a few more lessons from this man. For instance, if you're going to wear sunglasses inside a building, how to choose classy sunglasses that don't have side shields to block the non-existent sun and how to choose a shirt for under a white blazer while keeping your chest hair to yourself.

Back to Kanye. I thought his "Golddigger" performance with Jamie Foxx was interesting. They looked like total fools in those band uniforms but it was really fun and energetic. I was glad to see Kanye step down from his gold plated (please, he's not famous enough yet for a solid gold) pedestal to act a little silly.

I hate hate hated whatever Teri Snatch Hatchet though she was doing with that look. Visible boy short panties in no way, shape or form will ever look good in combination with a gown. I'm not even going to give her the benefit of the doubt that the gown suddenly became sheer in the light and you could accidentally see her boy shorts. Bitch did that on purpose. Why was she at the Grammy awards anyway?

I thought Kelly Clarkson was the cutest. She was so humble and sweet and innocent looking. I was happy to see her win. She's a talented girl yet so average. I love the fact she didn't thank American Idol. They were the catalyst for her career but SHE's the one who took it this far.

Joss Stone's performance dress looked like a psychedelic blanket from my parents' college years. I hope she eventually grows out of this stage. At least she had shoes on this time. (I think).

Back to my bitch Christina Aguilera-Bratman-Whatever. I'm telling you, marriage has been good to this girl. Somehow she's washed the skank right off her. She looked and sounded incredible during her performance. I saw that she apparently bought a new tube of red lipstick for the big night. Fortunately this red seems to have a tint to it so it's less hooker clown and more of a bright red wine color...or maybe it was the light while she was performing. I can't win with her. No matter what color she picks it's just too much. If I ever run into her I'm going to grab a tissue from my purse, wipe off her lipstick and apply lip gloss. Chances are I'll scare her, she'll pull away and I'll end up wiping the lipstick all over her face. If that happens I'll make sure I take a picture and post it on here. I digress. She really honestly has SO much talent. When I hear someone like her perform it reminds me how much some other "artists" suck. I won't name names....but I will choke on my bagel and let out a cough that sounds a little like 'both of the Simpsons for example."

Overall, U2's "One" performance with Mary J. Blige was surprising and appealed to a number of audiences...even though she looked like Swiss Miss.

Paul McCartney was awesome as usual in his first song but I was a bit disappointed that he did "Helter Skelter" as his vintage Beatles song.

I fast forwarded through people like Keith Urban who WAS there with Nicole Kidman who was also seated next to Tom Hanks. The organizers get an A+ from me for not making the collaborations TOO extreme this year. I wasn't fond of the Sly and the Family Stone fiasco but the rest of them were pretty cool.