(Two) Bitches on the Verge Blind Vice

I swear, suits and serious folks can be the biggest babies in this town. Originally, I was going to tell you about certain boardroom types who are having public hissy fits about this whole Clay Aiken threatened class(less) action suit. But I'm so bored with Clay-mate talk that if I have to write about it for another second I'm gonna roll over and let Simon Cowell have his whippin' way with me. Boooring. Just the same, as long as we're on this quasi-S&M trip, we may as well delve into a scandal even more ghoulishly girly than a sexually ambiguous pop star. (Besides, I'm too upset about the cancellation of Love Monkey to talk music right now. And no, I am not kidding.)

Okay, get out the Kleenex. Because whatever you may have done on Valentine's Day, I'm sure you had a peachier time than Ivana Belch. Picture it. One of WeHo's snazziest boutiques. I.B. saunters in looking bloated, like she'd spent the morning crying into her feather bed alone instead of banging pillows against the walls in the throws of passion. A shame, yes, given that I.B. is certainly attached to a dude. But it gets worse."Suddenly, she burst out crying, sobbing really, and went into the dressing room," whispers my stunned shopping source. "It was so sad. You wanted to hug her."Now, you might say to yourself, 'What's the big deal, Ted? So a girl cries in her dressing room, so what? I mean, Kirstie Alley made a comeback out of that."And I, of course, would respond by reminding you of certain glaring, unspeakable circumstances. Ivy is a mega star. She is not Kirstie-size in terms of fame or physique. Plus, need I remind you again? It was Valentine's, and though I don't know Ivana all that well, she sure seems like a gal who would want her man to douse her in chocolate body syrup. Or, you know, just get her some roses. But the bottom line is pretty simple. If you ask moi, dressing rooms are as sacred as bedrooms. And I'm sure I.B. would agree--well, actually, maybe not. I mean, if that were the case, she'd prolly have a nicer wardrobe.

My Guess: Britney is bloated. Her husband is jobless so she's lucky if she got a bouquet of roses. After staying married to KSPED this long she's probably on the verge of a mental breakdown justifying her Valentine's Day dressing room tears. Britney desperately needs the "call Jenny" comeback Kirstie Alley is experiencing. Ivana Belch is a more-than-appropriate name for someone who stuffs her face with endless bags of Cheetos and cans of Red Bull. Britney would probably rather be covered in Hershey's chocolate syrup than try on clothes at boutiques. And finally, Britney spent her V-Day at the Fred Segal store in West Hollywood alone in a TERRIBLE floral/zebra outfit from her ugly wardrobe. The End.
P.S. My other guess was Cameron Diaz because of the S&M reference, girly pop star (JT--at least he used to be super girly), she looks like she'd like the chocolate syrup, and of course, she won that Nickelodeon burping contest at the Kids' Choice Awards or whatever BUT alas, Ms. Diaz was in England for VDay celebrating it with her true love and Britney's I-wish-I-didn't-fuck-that-up love, Justin Timberlake.