America's Next Top Cokehead Bitch

I'm a little late with this post about America's Next Top model. The season premiere was last Wednesday but I was incommunicado for a while and I didn't have time to do the entire update until today so I apologize.

Mistake in the picture above: Joanie is Kathy and Kathy is Joanie. Got it? Their names are cornfused.

Brooke, 22, Student, 5'11", Corpus Christi, Texas
Danielle, 20, Babysitter, 5'11", Little Rock, Ark.
Furonda, 24, Student,5'11", Stuttgart, Ark.
Gina, 21, Translator, 5'8.5", Tampa, Fla.
Jade, 26, Restaurant Hostess, 5'9", Philadelphia, Pa.
Joanie, 24, Sales Associate, 5'9", Beaver Falls, Pa.
Kari, 18, Student,5'8", Brookings, S.D.
Kathy, 20, House Painter,5'9", Brevard, N.C.
Leslie, 18, Student, 5'10", Higley, Ariz.
Mollie Sue, 25, Waitress, 5'9", Tampa, Fla.
Nnenna, 24, Chemist, 5'9.5", Houston
Sara, 22, Student, 6'1", Davis, Calif.
Wendy, 22, Retail Assistant Manager, 5'9.5", New Orleans

The season premier of America's Next Top Model (ANTM) was my first experience with the show. I was aware that UPN has been trying desperately to churn out the next supermodel but I never actually spent time watching this painful attempt until the ANTM cycle 6 premier. I know about that ridiculously trashy Adrienne Curry bitch that won one of the cycles but I seriously don't remember hearing about the other four winners. Who the hell are they? UPN better work on publicity if they're supposed to be top models. Ok...I don't even know where to start with this two hour long episode but somewhere between the scary bald alien head photoshoot and Miss J Alexander getting a little too literal about a model's moustache, I was hooked.

Here are some highlights:

They had a contestant on who was a raging Republican and hated gays...I think her name was Danni or Danielle or something. In her interview she said "I am the most uber-conservative Republican hardcore Baptist you can ever imagine in your whole life. I don't like gay people. I don't like Muslims. I don't like abortions. I don't like anything liberal. But other than that I really like to get along with people." Total Dalai Lama that girl. She would've gone over really well in the fashion world of gays, crazy, drugs and sex. Needless to say, she was kicked off before you Tyra could say "haaay" and do her little snap robbing us of a fun season of Jesus-based hate. Because she was kicked off so early I don't have a picture of her for you but she basically looked like a brown-haired homecoming queen. She will be returning to Texas to cheerlead, support Bush and hate gays. If the whole modeling thing doesn't eventually work out I'm sure she could get a job running our country.

Kathy was the only contestant with personality. Unfortunately she was kicked off after the first episode leaving only brainless chicks and raging heartless bitches (or a combination of both) to carry the show for the rest of the season. A self-proclaimed hillbilly, Kathy was from North Carolina and painted houses. She had bad skin but she was naked within the first few minutes of the show so it kind of evened itself out I guess.

Gina is probably the dumbest girl ever. She got so wasted on champange that she could barely walk out of the restaurant which surprises me because I thought models don't drink because it'll make them fat. Not only could she not answer a single question in the interviews, she's confused about her identity. Being Korean confuses her. She's 21 and she's still confused about being Korean. Because she's Korean and lives in America she doesn't know what to consider herself. I don't know what's so hard about that: Korea is a country in East Asia, it borders China, Russia and Japan. People who are from Korea are called Koreans and they speak Korean. She lives in America so she's Korean-American which means you're both Korean and American. You can eat kimichi and cheeseburger. Here's Gina all dressed up as an Asien (part asian, part alien):

Nnenna is the "strong African woman" of the bunch. She's a chemist and has been working to support or family in Africa or something. I think she'll win because her name is like 66.66666% N's which is makes it crazy enough for a Supermodel name. Kinda reminds me of the Noonie skit from SNL. Anyway, this bitch has one the first two challenges.

Furonda, Jade, Danielle all tie for most ghetto.

Jade is part black, part white, part bitch and part tranny. She's all talk, no action. You can already tell she's putting on a front because she's insecure -- hiding behind an attitude built on 26 years of model and being rejection Awww...how sad. Furonda -America's Next Top Model or America's Next Top Gremlin? When talking to Tyra, she made the mistake of asking her advice for the eliminated girls then tried to cover up her mistake by saying some of the other girls asked Furonda for advice about elimination. Problem is, the other girls were right there and they were like "WTF." Idiot.

Danielle was all over the mic when they were interviewing. The question was "who is the frontrunner" and she basically got all ghetto and grabbed the mic from the girls and started going off about how it's her. At one point during her photo shoot they called her regal and she was basically like "i don't know what that means but I hope it's good." Christ. Regal (adjective) - of notable excellence or magnificence. Translation – you look pretty; it’s a complement.

I don't know who this girl is but it's safe to say she didn't make it to the top 13 because the Mike Tyson look just isn't "in" this year. So far the only place I know of where the whole face tattoo look (faux or not) goes over well is in prison-so good luck with that.

Thanks to Four Four, Just Jared and ANTM for pics!