One Lucky Bastard Blind Vice

How does one describe Chumpy Lumpy? He's not hot, hell, no. He's almost cute, in that "neighbor who feeds your cat and leaves a smiley note on the counter" sort of way. Chumpy's the guy your sister would describe as "supernice." But if you asked your sibling if she wanted to do him, she would swat you with her nail polish, roll her eyes and start talking about how hot Johnny Depp is. Regardless, get a hold of the following:

The rumors that Mr. Lumpy is hooking up with semi-famous cable hunk Prance Butt have been around for a little while. Good for Chump, I said to myself. Because, hey, who doesn't like to see a has-been doofus get some play, right? But, jeez, yesterday I found out Chumpy L. is double-dude-dipping. He has been doing the, um, night-shift nooky with yet another famous boob-tube fixture, Sinewy Slim, an utterly buff-ready corn-fed thing who seems to specialize in one-hour schlockedies.

And that was just too much information. I lost my fruit salad (lotta cantaloupe over here at my E! Networks office, I'm tellin' ya!). Why is this happening? I mean, I don't know whether I wanna high-five Chumpy-babe or force him to meet me at Equinox so I can show him how to do crunches. His abs would prolly come back pretty fast, see. I mean, surely he's still somewhat lithe from his physically demanding yesteryears, eh?

And it's not:

This one made my brain hurt a little. I think maybe Chumpy Lumpy is Lance Bass...between the already existing gay rumors, the boyband hints, the "has-been doofus" description and his physically demanding yesteryears. He's been supposedly dating Reichen Lehmkuhl who won The Amazing Race or some shit. Even though that was network TV, could Reichen Lehmkuhl be Prance Butt? I never would've guessed him unless he wasn't already linked to Lance. Ok then who is Sinewy Slim? Ryan Seacrest? Would Ryan Seacrest sleep with Lance Bass? I guess he did kiss Teri Hatcher. Anyway, Ryan seems like he's corn-fed and he definitely specializes in one-hour schlockedies...which I assume schlockedies means "specials" or something to that effect. Ted says "and that was just too much information" which really would be consider Ryan works for E!