One Menacing Matchmaker Blind Vice

It seemed like serial dater Smarma Slut-Pop had finally snagged herself a winner. Bacon La Thighs seemed like a really upstanding guy, by all accounts. He just graduated college, has a guaranteed lucrative job waiting for him and is so not into the socialite scene. Indeed, Mr. L.T. seemed like the low-key yin to Smarma's do-hoppin' yang. And he's pretty damn cute, too!

But, alas, it seems as if Smarma 'n' Beef just weren't meant to be. Evidently, Bacon's peeps and concerned buds got wind of the surprising seriousness of the tabloid-splashed relationship and put the killer-kibosh on it--to the best of their lethal, meddling abilities, that is.

See, being photographed out partying with said Smarma was no good for Bacon's rep, not to mention that of his business. So, the La Beef dude was told by those who pay him and protect him to kiss the new object of his lust buh-bye. Parting over partying is such sweet sorrow, no? But Bacon's pals have hearts, too, cold as they may be. The Beef's campers hooked B.L.T. up with a bootylicious new babe who ain't a famous type. Hopefully, this local lass will keep Mr. Thigh entertained and outta the spotlight for a while. As for poor Smarma? It's back to the damn designing, drawing board for her. And let's just say the pickings are prolly pretty slim for Smarm-hon, unless she doesn't mind recycling.

And it ain't:

Too easy. This is about former USC (now NFL) football player Matt Leinart, Paris Hilton and her vagina. I don't blame his "people" for being concerned...that whole Michael Vick (NFL Player who gave women herpes) thing didn't go well -- he did settle for an undisclosed amount of money. These two are like complete opposites: high school dropout vs college graduate, appalling vs. appealing, etc. I think the only thing they had in common: crazy eyes. Matt was born cross-eyed and Paris has the oh-so-famous wonky eye. The difference between the two is that Matt actually spent some money to have his fixed.