The Pot Calling the Kettle Firecrotch

I was wrong. The other day I said the “Paris Hilton/Elliot Mintz publicity machine is probably due for an oil change soon.” It turns out that the Paris Hilton/Elliot Mintz publicity machine needs a new transmission, a muffler and some body work. By now everyone connected to the internet has seen Paris Hilton walking down the street giggling to Brandon Davis’ sweet poetry “Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch, she has freckles coming out of her vagina and her clitoris is seven feet long” answering the age-old question “does the carpet match the drapes?” Paris' rep, Elliot Mintz, responded to this incident with flaming firecrotch bag of crap:

"The only thing I want to underscore is the person making the statements was not Paris Hilton," he says, "It is unfair to characterize Brandon's statements as being reflective of Paris' feelings about Lindsay. We're dealing with two different people. It was Brandon who was speaking, of course there are moments when Paris was laughing, but she never said anything. Brandon was speaking for himself not for her. Personally, I found the incident unnecessary." As for Paris egging Brandon on and holding up her cell phone, Mintz says: "Paris uses her cell phone as a defensive tool. Many times when you see her photographed in a crowd situation, she puts it up to her ear so she doesn't have to speak. In the cacophony and din of screaming, nobody could have had a telephone conversation. Reporters were asking her questions about Lindsay that she did not want to answer, so she put her cell phone up to her ear. Brandon was not speaking for Paris. Period."

My bullshit-o-meter just blew a fuse. I agree that it’s unfair to characterize Brandon's statements as being reflective of Paris' feelings about Lindsay but it is fair to characterize Paris’ non-stop hyena laughter as being reflective of Paris’ feelings about Lindsay. The fact that Elliot has resorted to making statements that make his client look utterly brainless, just to attempt to fool us all into thinking she’s Holy Mary Mother of God, gives me a glimmer of hope that we’re on a 10 second countdown to the end of her incredibly long 15 minutes of fame. Elliot’s statement is scientific proof that Paris has absolutely no higher-level thinking skills...not that we needed proof...it was pretty evident before today. By the way, does anyone know where I can get this phone with ear-activated magical powers that defend the user against having to talk to people? Is it by Motorola? Those Japanese come up with everything! Who needs the old-fashioned way of not answering a question, you know…not speaking after it is asked, when you can use the modern way… putting a phone to your ear. Last time I checked, if you don’t want to speak, don’t talk. Brilliant. Even Howard Stern thinks Brandon Davis is an asshole and that means a lot considering Howard built his multi-million dollar empire on degrading women and talking about red pubic hair. The irony of it all: Paris and her genital herpes make for a real firecrotch.