Suri Cruise: A Look Inside The Conspiracy Theories

A few days ago TMZ released a birth certificate for Suri Cruise. Suri was born on April 18, 2006 and we have yet to see her. Of course this has created a monstrosty of conspiracy theories. I've compiled a list to keep everyone occupied on a slow Tuesday. Some theories are more ridiculous than others...enjoy:

1. Tom and Katie adopted a baby.
2. The baby was stillborn.
3. There is no baby.
4. The baby is just ugly.
5. Katie had a baby but Tom Cruise isn’t the father and the baby doesn’t look like him at all
6. The baby was created with Ron Hubbard's DNA and will follow Tom Cruise as leader of Scientology.
7. They are just protecting Suri from the media.
8. She has some kind of disability and Tom does not want the public to see her.
9. Tom and Katie already know they are not going to last which is why they’re keeping Suri from the public eye. Katie is only going to marry Tom for the money they agreed upon and then leave.
10. The pregnancy was a publicity stunt to promote their careers.
11. Tom Cruise was sterile but he went through a procedure to be able to have children with Katie.
12. Katie is brainwashed by Tom Cruise.
13. The birth certificate is a hoax.
14. TMZ made the birth certificate on PhotoShop for publicity.
15. When Madonna gave birth to her daughter it was a whole year - maybe even longer - before we saw Lourdes for the first time. Not coincidentally, Madonna was promoting a new album. We won’t see Suri until one of them have another movie coming out.
16. Tom wanted a lot of money for pictures of Suri, especially after Brad and Angelina's baby was born, but the high dollar money was not forthcoming, so he is still looking for "takers".
17. They bought the baby or are in the process of buying a baby.
18. They bought the baby and they are now waiting until the baby is a little older so the public can’t tell the age discrepancy.
19. Suri is nothing more than a whole ham in a blanket..
20. They knew she was going to die so they moved her overseas to die to prevent people from obtaining her death record.
21. Katie Holmes was already pregnant when she started “dating” Tom. The baby was born at term in December when Katie wasn't photographed for several weeks. She then appeared with the mysterious, ever-changing bump until the "official" birth in April. They are keeping the baby out of sight until the age differential is more ambiguous.
22. They obtained a passport for Suri to take her to another country and exchange her for “the perfect” baby.
23. The first pictures of Suri will be them disembarking from a private plane. Tom will call every news network to document it.
24. The baby is black due to a sperm donor mix-up.
25. Suri is the next generation in the scientologist's evil plot to replace human with robots.
26. They sent Suri to the moon.
27. Suri is being programmed at the scientology center with "trauma based mind control.”
28. Tom sent in a Katie Holmes decoy to give birth.
29. They donated Suri to the Church of Scientology.
30. Tom is just embarrassed to be seen with people taller than him--this includes Suri.
31. Xenu took the baby.
32. Suri Cruise is really an alien.
33. Suri Cruise has been aducted by aliens.
34. Suri Cruise is the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard.
35. The baby has been taken away to a special land to be raised by Scientologists.
36. She is being kept in the basement of the Scientology center because Scientologist have newborns spend 6 months away from the mother to break any bonds.
37. Katie is going through post-partum depression and Tom won’t let her take any medication so they’re keeping the baby away from her.
38. Tom is pissed that her pictures didn’t fetch as much money as Shiloh so he thinks he is "punishing" us by not allowing the public to see her.
39. Suri has been abducted by her biological father: Kevin Klein.
40. We’ve been PUNK’d.

My theory -- they're just two weirdos with a newborn baby at home. We stopped talking about Shiloh after we saw pictures of her. Maybe this is Tom's way of keeping his name in the press.