Breaking News: Stars Are Blind, Not Deaf

Don't expect Paris' CD to outsell her porn video anytime soon. The wannabe pop star's new record (which received reviews like this: Paris is a collection of uninspired, self-indulgent techno dance tracks that are insulting to nearly everyone....This is an obvious reference to the fact that Paris has next to no singing talent, but will make producers a mint by her selling power and open-legged cover art alone....“Stars Are Blind” has the distinction of being the best track on the album, but remains plagued by Hilton’s voice...Musically, Paris is on par with a train wreck) only sold 75,000 copies during the opening week. Projected sales for next week are said to be a measly 30,000, which is a larger than normal second week drop. "Paris" is languishing at the bottom of Billboard's Hot 100 - so Hilton's label rushed out her second single, "Turn It Up," which isn't doing very well either. "The international outlook is not much better for her," one industry source told Page Six. "The international people are not inclined to do a big push since she can't back up the album with a tour. Obviously, she can't sing live." The source added that Hilton was advised a year ago to train her voice, work with choreographers and learn an instrument to prepare for a limited tour, but "obviously she didn't listen." For comparison purposes, Christina Aguilera's first-week sales was 320,000. Paris' deaf-blind rep, Elliot Mintz says, "To me, [the album] sounds huge. For a newcomer, this is incredibly impressive." To you, Elliot. To you.

In related news, Cher's son Elijah Blue Allman, told Howard Stern that he had a fling with Hilton before she was famous - but he got nervous right afterward that he might have picked up a sexually transmitted disease from her. Instead of using a condom, he just ran downstairs quickly after sex and washed his love stick with Tilex. Brilliant. Can you imagine what kind of a skanktastic impression she gave him during their sex session that would make him want to immediately dump chemicals onto his manhood? [source]