Dina Lohan is the New White (Oprah)

To round out my week of trash-talking Lindsay Lohan, here's a bit on her mom:

Before Lindsay, all Dina Lohan had was a job kicking her legs in the air (she was a Rockette) and a drug-addicted, abusive husband who spent a majority of his kid’s lives in jail. Now Dina thinks she’s the “white Oprah.” Yes, you read that right. Dina Lohan thinks she’s the white Oprah. "Lindsay's friends call me 'The White Oprah' because they all come to me with their problems," says Dina Lohan. "I'm like the mom of these kids in the business!" In addition to being universal mother and philosopher, Momma Lohan has just announced plans to develop her own talk show. "I love to talk," Dina tells NY-based journalist David Caplan. "I have a talk show in the works. I would host it and co-produce it. It's a good heartwarming show. It's nothing trashy. We're not going to follow dates to bars and see what happens, or anything like that. But it's a girl-empowered, woman show. I would only do something that would help other people, because that's just who I am and how I was raised. I think the public would listen to me before someone who doesn't live it - you need someone who lives it."

A girl-empowered woman show? Sounds enlightening. Like we all need advice from a lady who can’t keep her husband off coke and out of jail and her teenage daughter out of nightclubs. Dina Lohan wouldn’t know ‘trash’ if it came up and hit her in the face…and according to her divorce proceedings it has. There was an appropriate show for Dina Lohan to host but unfortunately Jerry Springer beat her to that punch 15 years ago. Of course Dina wouldn’t be a good “Lohan parental figure” if she didn’t get into some sort of fight. This time she’s taking Star Jones to the ring:

"Some of these people are clueless about these kids in the business," Dina says. "Even Star Jones said something about Lindsay that was derogatory a while back. My mother called me and said, 'I couldn't believe she said that!' The difference with me, is that I'm actually there with them. I certainly wouldn't say something to hurt a child. I think it was the way [Star] carried herself. Star thought she was Barbara [Walters] and she's not. You got to earn that right!

So let me get this straight: Star Jones, who worked next to Barbara Walters for years, isn’t allowed to think she’s the black Barbara Walters but Dina Nobody Lohan is allowed to be the albino Oprah? I'm no Star Jones fan but puh-leeze. When we all walk away from this blog, I guess the one lesson we can take with us is that Lindsay Lohan gets her lack of intellect from her mom.

Just for fun, let me introduce you to the black Julia Roberts, the black Catherine Zeta-Jones, the white Halle Berry and the white Michael Jordan. [source + more source]