Some Things Are Sacred...Like My Daughter's Cash

Lindsay Lohan's father, Michael Lohan, is having a gay old time in prison. Aside from dropping the soap and other known prison activities, prison inmate Michael Lohan is dipping his toe in the shark-infested waters of editorial cartooning. Lindsay Lohan's dad - serving time at the Collins Correctional Facility outside Buffalo - has just sent Lowdown (NY Daily News) an epic drawing depicting his troubled relationship with his famous daughter and the villains who are allegedly driving them apart. In the 46-year-old Lohan's cartoon, these include money-grubbing lawyers with devil's horns, a prison guard, a paparazzo and an Ugg-booted woman who might be Lindsay's mom, "the White Oprah," or her publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik. They're all tearing the daughter away from her dear old dad. "Shame on you," declares the Lord Almighty, who's shown glowering and pointing from heaven. "Don't you know that some things are sacred!?!" Also depicted - in see-no-evil, hear-no-evil, speak-no-evil poses - are Lindsay's younger siblings, Michael, Alina and Cody. On the back of the cartoon, the artist has scribbled: "The Spiritual Realities and Physical Elements of the truth behind this whole situation."

In his accompanying handwritten letter, Lohan - who's serving up to four years for drunken driving, contempt of court and beating his brother-in-law bloody with a shoe - discusses his "stupid decisions," his new spirituality, an inspirational book he's written and his intention to help troubled teens through a ministry when he gets out of prison. And he shares his views on a variety of hot topics:

• His daughter: "Lindsay is a talented, loving, blessed and free-spirited person. I believe nothing I read about her unless I hear it from Lindsay herself. And she's always been honest with me."
• Hollywood bigwig James Robinson, who recently scorched Lindsay as a "spoiled child … discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional" over her unexcused absences from the set of "Georgia Rule": "If Mr. Robinson wrote a letter to her, that is his right. He is a respectable man and I'm sure he felt it as his obligation. … But I do know how things get twisted and I'm sure there is an honest explanation."
• Lindsay's one-time pole-dancing partner, Kate Moss: "While I don't think Kate is the best mentor based on reports, these reports could be twisted. To which, I hope and pray (as it appears) Kate has turned her life around as well."
• Lindsay's boyfriend, Hard Rock Hotel heir Harry Morton: "He appears private, respectable, and my friends in Vegas only have good things to say about him and his family."
• Oil heir Brandon Davis, who repeatedly mocked Lindsay as "firecrotch": "All I can say is that I am happy that God gave me a new way of looking at, and pitying, people like Brandon. I pray for his soul!"

Ok so let's join together and do a psychological anaysis. Ready? Ok. The dude is whack...hopefully he's seeing the prison psychiatrist. This family is just too much. Aside from being good at fighting, family drama, crime, alcohol and drugs, they're also pretty talented excuse makers. I bet Lindsay is going to be pissed that her Daddy didn't draw her skinny enough. Look at those legs. They're huge.