FrankenTittie Revealed!

In the new issue of Us Weekly, actress Tara Reid reveals what's been painfully, disgustingly obvious since she first accidentally revealed her Frankentittie -- she had some shoddy body work done! Now Tara is revealing that she underwent reconstructive surgery on September 6, 2006, to repair the damage done by a 2004 joint implant-liposuction procedure. Celebrity Hijinx staff language analyst takes a look at Tara's latest interview to explore the hidden messages. Among her revelations: On why she had plastic surgery in the first place: “I got my breasts done for the first time because my breasts were uneven. I was a 34-B, but the right one was always bigger than the left. I weigh 110 pounds now, but I always used to fluctuate by 10 pounds, so my skin was kind of saggy. I figured, I’m in Hollywood, I’m getting older, I’m going to fix them.”

She had saggy tits and she didn't want saggy tits. She had a little bit American Pie money left over and this great plastic surgery coupon for Mexico (buy one procedure, get one free) so she used it to desaggify (we made this word up just for Tara…she's that special) her tits and take a quick vacation. Now that she wasted her American Pie money on bad lipo and scary titties, she's broke so she needs to do this article with US Weekly."

On what went wrong: “First of all, I asked for big Bs, and he did not give me big Bs. He gave me Cs, and I didn’t want them. At all. Right after the surgery, I had some bumps along the edges of my nipples, but the doctor said, ‘Don’t worry, it’s going to be better.’ But after six months of ‘it’s going to get better,’ it started to get worse and worse.”

Back-alley Mexican automechanics/plastic surgeons DO NOT listen to their patients and they lie lie lie. She told him not to drink that last Corona before the surgery but he didn't listen and now she's dissatisfied with the disaggification. See, she said 'si' as in "yes" and he thought she meant C as in cup. People kept telling her that big B's are basically C's but she swears they're not. Then the Dr. told her if she let him suck them, they would heal. Like when a dog licks its puppies, you know. Anyway, they didn't heal and then one fell out at P.Diddy's party and now everyone knows.

On being intimate: "Guys I was dating would be like, ‘What’s wrong with them? They look really bad. You know, you should really get them fixed.’ So embarrassing. I mean, you definitely need to turn off the lights, that’s for sure.”

She just wants us to think guys like her. She didn't realize how embarrassing it would be to reveal this embarrassing tidbit until it was all to late.

On getting lipo: "I got lipo because even though I was skinny, I wanted – I’m not going to lie – a six-pack. I had body contouring, but it all went wrong. My stomach became the most ripply, bulgy thing.”

She had a ripply, bulgy stomach...had some guy try to suck out some ripples and bulges. That left it even ripplier and bulgier. Celebhijinx says: Do some situps, bitch.

Last but not least: Tara says, "I'll never be perfect again."

She meant "I'll never be natural again" or "I'll never be the same again" or you know... some word that means "how I was" but doesn't really mean "perfect." [source]