One Sad, Sidelined Sap Blind Vice

Durwood Dope (no relation to the man-eating, avaricious Diandra Dope from Vices past) used to have it all: fab career, great looks, damn good talent, boys 'n' girls to bonk whenever he wanted. Those were the bisexual superstar days, huh? But that was before this little thing called age set in. Trust me, I know how D2 feels: Ya look in the mirror, and ya wonder what the hell your father is doing looking backatcha! Gray hair. Wrinkles around your eyes, where there used to simply be sleepy goo stuff. Know what I mean, all my little geriatric jelly beans?

Durwood sure does. 'Cause he's increasingly turning to drugs for solace, men for validation in the form of casual sex and—worst of all—vitriolic little queens for companionship. Bad move there, Mr. D. Now, I'm a bitchy-ass homo if ever there was one, but at least I'm true to my buds. If they've got a bad time goin' down, I'm cool about it. Not so half the fruits Durwood's been befriending, as of late. See, here's the deal:

Dope's (female) partner is currently and utterly eclipsing him in the celeb department, and this fame factoid, along with the unavoidable truth that Durwood's increasingly looking like a weatherproofed donut, is not helping D.'s depressed moods. And since D.D. has always hung with a hedonistic, eclectic bunch...well, let's just say he's leaning wholly toward those who supply him, screw him and then say so long to him—rather than to those who actually want to help him. Shame. 'Cause Durwood sure needs somebody who cares enough to tell him to lay off this fruits-and-chemicals-only diet of his. Pronto. It ain't:

My guesses: Um. My first guess is Matthew Broderick but that would be too easy. I would like to guess Michael Douglas just for the sake of pointing out that wrinkly balls probably make him miserable and if he's cheating on Catherine, she'll make lots and lots of money. Buuuuuuut...I wouldn't exactly call her career "utterly eclipsing" at this point. Could it possibly be someone like William H. Macy (Felicity Huffman's husband?) I'm not sure how famous he used to be and how gay he seems but I'm pretty sure they have that "eclipsing" dynamic going on. What usual suspect can we rule out? George Clooney - he doesn't have the steady female partner and he was just voted Sexiest Man so he’s obviously not Durwood. Sadly, there would be something slightly gratifying about George growing old and miserable - as long as it was without me.