Friday, February 02, 2007 Publicity Stunt O' The Day

Until the recent 20 minute video featuring things such as Paris Hilton in a bathtub and a man with a chest full of coke, I never really cared to form an opinion on Joe Francis. To me, he was just a guy who had too much money from pimping out the bare chests of young, drunk college girls across the nation. Truthfully, I was a little jealous I didn’t come up with the idea first. After wasting 20 minutes of my life watching Joe Francis treat Paris Hilton like the penis vessel she is, I decided to do a little bit of checking up on him. Not-so-surprisingly, he’s even creepier than his too-wide ultra-chicklet child molester smile. He’s been accused of things including but not limited to: supplying drugs and alcohol to minors and engaging them in sex acts, date rape – on several occasions including a young virgin, roughing up an LA Times reporter (read the story), harassing his apartment manager, threatening to kill a party coordinator (who had a miscarriage shortly thereafter) and many many lawsuits. He’s just a dream… that is if your dream is a severely couth-deficient, arrogant date rapist-with-a-release-form in his 30’s who thinks being mean to girls shows that you like them. I think he wants us to counterbalance that with his resort-like home, bank account in the multi-multi-multi millions and of course his private jet. Did I mention he’s rumored to currently be dating Lindsay Lohan? Don’t they sound like a golden couple? Mama Lohan is surely proud of this catch. I'm actually being serious. He's right up Lohan alley.

Moving on to other rumors – like Joe Francis is supposedly behind He’s featured in a number of the videos and they are all rather Girls Gone Wild-esque. In fact, the whole thing seems like a marketing scheme cooked up by GGW. Joe decided to call into Howard Stern today for some publicity for to discuss his lawsuit against the website. Here’s a rundown of the call:

Joe Francis of “Girls Gone Wild” fame got on the line to talk about the recently revealed sex video of him and Paris Hilton, but after saying hello, he went completely silent. This led Howard to ask Joe if he was high, but he insisted he wasn’t, and was instead “just chillin’” bed. As Joe began talking again, Howard acknowledged he didn’t understand how Joe had enough money to afford private jets, and Robin figured it had to do with the fact that “Girls Gone Wild” was a subscription series. Joe claimed he wasn’t happy that the Paris tapes were released, but both Howard and Robin thought he was behind their release. However, Joe promised that wasn’t the case and was planning on suing the tapes’ distributors. Joe went on to say the man behind the tapes tried to extort him for $7 million, and, when he refused to pay that, he then released the videos. Joe also noted he owned the copyright to the tapes, so, even if they were released, he thought he should be getting money from them. Howard reported there were images of Valtrex prescriptions (a herpes medication) on the Website where the tapes were being sold, but Joe promised he was clean and thought Paris was as well. Joe then acknowledged he had sex with Paris, but denied he was ever with Lindsay Lohan. As Joe again began fading out, Howard informed him he was “a shitty interview” this morning, but he responded it was because of his phone connection, not that he didn’t want to talk. After Joe talked about a man who once threatened him at gunpoint, a caller claimed he was “getting high” just listening to him, but Joe replied that he only had 3 hours of sleep prior to the call and noted that he’d get out of the bed for the rest of it so he wouldn’t fall asleep. Joe continued to claim he wasn’t looking to make any money off the Paris videos, but wanted to stop them from being sold instead. When Howard asked Joe who “the best” sexual partner he’s ever had was, he named Paris. He said she gave the best blowjobs (um..I saw the first sex tape - he must be seriously deprived of good head ) Joe proceeded to suggest people visit the Website to watch his video so they could see how “good” she was themselves. This led Howard to point out that Joe had referenced the site a number of times during the interview, which he thought was another sign that Joe was behind it. However, Joe again denied any ties to the site. When asked who the worst was (insinuated in this interview: Paris, Lindsay, Kim Stewart, Tara Reid) he said Tara was the worst. When Howard asked why, he mumbled, "...well I only used protection with her, so maybe that made it less pleasurable..." Howard then began asking more leading questions like, "So she just laid there?" or "Was it because she had a big smelly loose vagina?" Joe responded, "More or less, yeah." Joe then stated, "Well I don't plan on having sex with Paris again, especially after seeing the medical documents on the site.”

Doesn't he just make you want to sew your vagina shut? He has a revolving door of Hollywood’s biggest skanks and he chooses to only use protection with Tara Reid? Surly his penis has disintegrated. Maybe I overestimate his threat to womankind.

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