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Anorexia Chronicles: Jenna Jameson's New Workout Video - How to Get Your Waist Smaller Than Your Boyfriend's Arm

Sigh. Divorce is hard and with all that back-and-forth myspace bickering, it can't be getting any easier. Truthfully, I'm just worried where this is situation is headed. When they do it I bet you can see his outline of his peeps bulging through the skin on her stomach.

Jenna Jameson Needs Support With Her Cheeseburger

Jenna Jameson lost some weight, read about it in gossip and now she's sad. What's a grown girl to do? Why not start a myspace blog fight with your ex-husband? It did wonders for Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker – aside from the Herpes Hilton drama, they're now back to being the Barkers. Nicole Richie did it, Reichen Lehmkuhl did it...see, all the cool kids are freaking out on myspace blogs. Seriously, this is just one of the many reasons I think people over 30 should stay off the MySpace. It seems to turn grown people into insta-middleschoolers. Here’s the latest myspace installment of celebrity he said/she said:

She said:
My weight. I feel like I need to address the weight rumors that have been swirling for a few months now. This saddens me... only because, everyone that is judging me... has absolutely NO idea what is happening in my life. People are hateful and accuse me of being a drug addict, or an anorexic. Does anyone seem to remember the fact that I am going through a nasty divorce? It has been weighing heavily on me. I worked extremely hard for years to secure my success, and i have been forced to fight for everything I busted my ass for. This has definitely affected my weight. It really hurts that my fans and everyone else) have taken it upon themselves to be so horrible, screaming eat a burger! or we want the old jenna back! I'm sure everyone out there has gone through tough times, and this is when I need support. I wish I could enlighten everyone with what is exactly going on in my divorce and business, but I can't because of legal proceedings. I really hope everyone understands and remembers I am human, and I really need friends and the love and support right now. Soon the divorce will be settled and I am hoping to come out unscathed, but my x is doing his best to make it hard. Thanks for all of your support, and remember I love you!
xoxoxox
JennaHe said:
PREACH ON BITCH. Blah Blah Blah … people in life are amazing! It's funny how individuals always believe their own bullshit.. or basically their side of the story… as flamboyantly as they might want to tell it. Peeps will convince themselves that the shit they spout out of their mouths is the truth and that it justifies everything in their lil realm of reality!! This is man's/woman's best justification of actions and feelings. I love to call it the "Denial Zone". There are always 3 sides to the story and only one side to the truth.. It's a funny theory, but it is a reality of life. People in general will always try to blame someone or some thing else for their own faults, inadequacies and/or weaknesses… this is a classic scenario and the best form of defiance! At some point in all of our lives we have to face… REALITY .. and the majority of the times its is not fun, exciting, or something anyone wants to deal with. This is when the real people .. the ones with integrity and honesty step out from the pack. I recently read a blog from someone blaming their physical appearance on circumstances and situations.. all of which are completely self perpetuated, on a victim or stress and circumstances. At some point you just have to be honest with yourself… as much as it might hurt and say.. I need help, my life and what I am doing is wrong! At which point you need to become proactive in the rectification of the situation. The saddest point about all of this is that most people have to hit rock bottom b4 they realize this simple truth….this is heart breaking to everyone that loves and supports that person. I always ask myself …why does it have to get this??? For the people that love and try to help.. well… we have an inherent flaw that is in most of us.. we want to help… we always want to come to the rescue; and the person in need has no control; abuses and consumes .. consumes like a psychic vampire! These are just truths in life i like to pass on.. if they fit in your scenario of life, then appreciate them. I will never use this forum as a personal place to verbally slaughter people and/or personas…. This is a place where I can rant and express….. My theory to life is something that I believe to be helpful… that's it! Take it for what it's worth. I will do a blog later about what is happing in life…the last 4 weeks have been SIIIIIIKKKKK!!!!! That I will save for the next blog.

Sniff sniff. Do you smell that? It smells a little bit like a rehab stint. Don’t worry Jenna, Celebrity Hijinx loves you no matter what your crazy skinny ass does or doesn't snort/eat. Topic suggest for her next blog: was the plastic surgery also a coping mechanism for the bad divorce... Personally, I like the new Posh Jenna providing no porn is involved. I'm on Jenna's side since her blog was rather well-written in the grammatical sense. I'll reevaluate my choice if Jay visits a tutor three times a week.

Drastic Plastic: OMG Becky, Look At Her Face

I mentioned this once before but I think we've reached an alarming new level: Jenna Jameson's fake EVERYTHING is turning her into the most desperate housewife of the 'real' ones from the OC, Lauri Waring. Does anyone watch that show? Can you back me up here? Lauri's close-ups from that trip to Europe with her new sugardaddy are frightening - Wildenstein territory minus the x-treme cat accents. Not too long ago, Jenna Jameson broke up with her husband Jay Grdina. In their divorce settlement, he walked away with her face and she kept a vowel from his last name. FASHION ALERT: Jenna showed up at some Oscar party (with her x-treme fighter boyfriend Tito) dressed for the SAG Awards. Look!!! Her boob his head's long, lost twin. I'm sorry. I'm done now.

TV Time: To Catch A Predator

I don't necessarily agree with the tactics of MSNBC's "To Catch A Predator" but I sure love watching it... I think this is the best clip ever...

"so what part of the Bible tells you to say all this kind of stuff here in the chat: i'd love to suck BEEP play BEEP suck BEEP nipples BEEP." "Is that in the old testament or the new one.."

TV Time: Dirt

Ever want to see Courteney Cox have sex? Well just tune into her new show, Dirt, on FX. Seriously this show is like the soft core porn I used to secretly watch on Cinemax when I was young. ...only strangely it's on a Fox Network before midnight on a weekday. Guess the FCC is still too busy suing people over that stupid Janet Jackson boob thing... Anyway, Courteney is a hot momma and she proved to me that she’s way more than just Monica. Seriously, I abuse my DVR during this show. Rewind. Rewind.

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Battle of the Swordsmen

A man says he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbor was watching. "Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. "This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake." According to a criminal complaint, the neighbor told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning Feb. 12, damaging the frame and lock. "Where is she?" Van Iveren demanded, thrusting the sword at the neighbor, the complaint said. "Where is she?" The neighbor told police Van Iveren became increasingly aggressive as he repeated the question, insisting that he had heard a woman being raped. The complaint said that, with the sword pointed at him, the neighbor led Van Iveren throughout the apartment, opening closet doors to prove he was alone. The neighbor later played for police the part of the DVD he believed Van Iveren heard downstairs.

Van Iveren, 39, of Oconomowoc, Wisconsin was charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct, all while using a dangerous weapon, and is due in court March 5. Together, the misdemeanor counts carry a maximum sentence of 33 months in jail. Van Iveren said Tuesday that he heard a woman "screaming for help," grabbed the sword, bounded up the stairs, kicked in the apartment door and confronted the man who lived there. "I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened," he told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. Contesting his neighbor's account, Van Iveren said he didn't look anywhere in the apartment except the front room, and that he never threatened the neighbor with the sword. "I had the sword extended. But that was all," he said. Van Iveren, who lives with his mother in the downstairs apartment, said he did not call police when he heard the noises because he does not have a telephone. He said he barely knew the upstairs tenant. Police seized Van Iveren's sword, which he said was a family heirloom. [source]

This seems normal..running out my front door with a sword is generally my first instinct in a crisis situation too. Poor guy, he couldn't tell the difference between hot, loud, ride-em-cowboy cries of passion and "help me, I'm being raped"? I'd be embarrassed too. I'd also be embarrassed that I didn't have a home phone. And that I lived downstairs with my mother. And that I might go to jail. Note to porn watchers: do not watch porn in surround sound if you live in apartments especially if you do not want crazy men to show up at your door with swords.

ParisExposed Lawuits, Statements and Maybe Some Backlash

Paris has been Exposed for about two or so weeks now on the latest for-profit scandal website featuring her night-vision worthy activities, drugs, a variety of slurs and some really horrible rich-white-girl dancing. In fact, the site was used, abused, passed around the internet and then shut down via temporary court injunction (her lawsuit = she wants the materials off the web but she also wants part of the profits). I just had deja vu. Funny thing is - only the Paris-loathing gossip blogs picked up the story. In a world where Mel Gibson's drunken Jew-rant to a police officer made headline news as quick as the officer could write it up in a police report, Michael Richards made his first widespread appearance since Seinfeld via cell phone video camera after using the N word about 2931 times too many and last but not least, Isaiah Washington was plastered across the news for weeks and ended up in rehab for calling his gay costar a homo the F word -- where the hell is the mainstream Paris backlash? Paris' videos featured her using anti-sematic language, the n word, the f word, making fun of poor people, making fun of people from the ghetto, making fun of people in public school (even though she dropped out of her private school) basically insulting everyone else in the entire world except herself and her sister.Well hopefully this is the beginning of the end of Paris. CNN featured their first video/commentary (#1 video download) on Paris and her slurs and now GLADD President Neil G. Giuliano has issued a statement: “These are not frivolous words, and to use them as if they are gives tacit sanction to the racism and homophobia they engender. Hilton has an obligation to go on the record, explain herself, and publicly apologise to the LGBT and African American communities and all those offended by these slurs.”

...and it wouldn't be a xine post about Paris Hilton without featuring my favorite character, her diaper changer and publicist, Elliot Mintz. For once, Elliot exits his constant state of denial and says: “I’m not going to make any attempt to spin this. It happened. I’m not going to deny it happened.." of course he couldn't stop there. That would just be too much for one day. He had to try to justify her actions by finishing his statement with: "Each of us has used words we have regretted later. This was six years ago. She was 20 at the time. It was New Year’s Eve. She had been obviously drinking. She sincerely regrets using those words. She is not a racist or an anti-Semite." So Elliot, you're basically telling me that she sounds like a racist anti-semite when she's drinking and she's sorry that people heard her? Here's an old adage that I believe came from a man on the side of the Pacific Coast Highway last one night: once a drunken anti-semite always a drunken anti-semite.

ParisOVERexposed.com Publicity Stunt O' The Day

Until the recent 20 minute video featuring things such as Paris Hilton in a bathtub and a man with a chest full of coke, I never really cared to form an opinion on Joe Francis. To me, he was just a guy who had too much money from pimping out the bare chests of young, drunk college girls across the nation. Truthfully, I was a little jealous I didn’t come up with the idea first. After wasting 20 minutes of my life watching Joe Francis treat Paris Hilton like the penis vessel she is, I decided to do a little bit of checking up on him. Not-so-surprisingly, he’s even creepier than his too-wide ultra-chicklet child molester smile. He’s been accused of things including but not limited to: supplying drugs and alcohol to minors and engaging them in sex acts, date rape – on several occasions including a young virgin, roughing up an LA Times reporter (read the story), harassing his apartment manager, threatening to kill a party coordinator (who had a miscarriage shortly thereafter) and many many lawsuits. He’s just a dream… that is if your dream is a severely couth-deficient, arrogant date rapist-with-a-release-form in his 30’s who thinks being mean to girls shows that you like them. I think he wants us to counterbalance that with his resort-like home, bank account in the multi-multi-multi millions and of course his private jet. Did I mention he’s rumored to currently be dating Lindsay Lohan? Don’t they sound like a golden couple? Mama Lohan is surely proud of this catch. I'm actually being serious. He's right up Lohan alley.

Moving on to other rumors – like Joe Francis is supposedly behind ParisExposed.com. He’s featured in a number of the videos and they are all rather Girls Gone Wild-esque. In fact, the whole thing seems like a marketing scheme cooked up by GGW. Joe decided to call into Howard Stern today for some publicity for ParisExposed.com to discuss his lawsuit against the website. Here’s a rundown of the call:

Joe Francis of “Girls Gone Wild” fame got on the line to talk about the recently revealed sex video of him and Paris Hilton, but after saying hello, he went completely silent. This led Howard to ask Joe if he was high, but he insisted he wasn’t, and was instead “just chillin’”...in bed. As Joe began talking again, Howard acknowledged he didn’t understand how Joe had enough money to afford private jets, and Robin figured it had to do with the fact that “Girls Gone Wild” was a subscription series. Joe claimed he wasn’t happy that the Paris tapes were released, but both Howard and Robin thought he was behind their release. However, Joe promised that wasn’t the case and was planning on suing the tapes’ distributors. Joe went on to say the man behind the tapes tried to extort him for $7 million, and, when he refused to pay that, he then released the videos. Joe also noted he owned the copyright to the tapes, so, even if they were released, he thought he should be getting money from them. Howard reported there were images of Valtrex prescriptions (a herpes medication) on the Website where the tapes were being sold, but Joe promised he was clean and thought Paris was as well. Joe then acknowledged he had sex with Paris, but denied he was ever with Lindsay Lohan. As Joe again began fading out, Howard informed him he was “a shitty interview” this morning, but he responded it was because of his phone connection, not that he didn’t want to talk. After Joe talked about a man who once threatened him at gunpoint, a caller claimed he was “getting high” just listening to him, but Joe replied that he only had 3 hours of sleep prior to the call and noted that he’d get out of the bed for the rest of it so he wouldn’t fall asleep. Joe continued to claim he wasn’t looking to make any money off the Paris videos, but wanted to stop them from being sold instead. When Howard asked Joe who “the best” sexual partner he’s ever had was, he named Paris. He said she gave the best blowjobs (um..I saw the first sex tape - he must be seriously deprived of good head ) Joe proceeded to suggest people visit the Website to watch his video so they could see how “good” she was themselves. This led Howard to point out that Joe had referenced the site a number of times during the interview, which he thought was another sign that Joe was behind it. However, Joe again denied any ties to the site. When asked who the worst was (insinuated in this interview: Paris, Lindsay, Kim Stewart, Tara Reid) he said Tara was the worst. When Howard asked why, he mumbled, "...well I only used protection with her, so maybe that made it less pleasurable..." Howard then began asking more leading questions like, "So she just laid there?" or "Was it because she had a big smelly loose vagina?" Joe responded, "More or less, yeah." Joe then stated, "Well I don't plan on having sex with Paris again, especially after seeing the medical documents on the site.”

Doesn't he just make you want to sew your vagina shut? He has a revolving door of Hollywood’s biggest skanks and he chooses to only use protection with Tara Reid? Surly his penis has disintegrated. Maybe I overestimate his threat to womankind.

Anorexia Chronicles: What The Hell

I was going to write a little piece on Jenna Jameson and the current lack thereof but it appears as if anorexia chronicles should be the least of her worries! What happened to swanky-skanky, lust-worthy Jenna? Did divorce fly her over the cuckoos nest? Did those missing 20 pounds send all of her implants/lifts on a tectonic shift from the brow down? Jenna Jameson can do no wrong in my book but this incredible shrinking, shifting look has to go. Seriously, it pains me to say that she looks like a dumpy mix between Donatella Versace and plastic surgery junkie/porn slut Tabitha Stevens. Obviously that’s far from a compliment. For some reason, I just wanted more from the Queen of Porn. She’s rich enough to not look all used and abused at 31. There’s a point when people don’t want to watch plastic, mutilated little things having sex on screen – just ask Tabitha Stevens. Here's more of the tragedy: