One Behind-the-Behind Blind Vice

Okay, if you're sick o' the pooftah stuff (and if you are, can't imagine why you're reading this missive right now), click off. 'Cause here comes the fairy mother Blind Vice of all fairy-esque naughty happenings in H-town… Preen Pumper has a fairly superclean rep, despite being pretty much of a dawg before he hooked up with his longtime love, Dare E. Airre. But then, longtime amour never lasts in this heathen-filled 'ville, right? Right. Therefore, P2 has been making his way through various buxom hookups, post-Dare split. And P.P.'s current lady love seems to be—perhaps—in for the long haul. We'll see, won't we?

I'm just, uh, wondering if we should send out some kind of warning to P.P.'s current babe-friend, a nice enough gal who seems to be a bit o' a farm-fed femme, seemingly pure and all that (unbelievable) nonsense. See, Preen has his sexual peccadilloes, don't we all? And Preen's, it turns out, is alternate-entry sex, which, when I've polled most of my (male and female) straight buds, I have found out is not so unusual on the het scene: I mean, if you're a guy, you just basically want to put it anywhere you can, n'est-ce pas? Well, we'll touch on that pokin' theory another time. Right now, we gotta get back to Preen, who always prefers his outback ways to involve a guy, turns out. What a surprise! Closeted homosexual behavior in Tinseltown! I'm shocked! It's just that Preen's demands in this arena are downright creepy, as Mr. Pumper always insists that his guy partners never:

—Kiss him.
—Undress.
—Look at him.
—Have an orgasm anywhere in P.P.'s vicinity.

Additionally (I'm surprised Preen doesn't have his partners sign confidentiality contracts, but, ah, isn't Tinseltown just made for stupid-ola freakazoids?), Pumper insists on remaining squeaky-clean himself, but he is willing to go a second round, should all these cumbersome rules not get in the way of any spontaneity. Gosh, how could they possibly not? Sounds like having sex with Martha Stewart on steroids or something! (This is a joke, E! Legal Eagles, please be advised.) Oh, and by the by, should tell you all that Ms. Airre had no idea her man was going out the door for the behind-door stuff. Until now, that is. It ain't: Um...could this have something to do with Ben Affleck? Some madame just wrote about his fun with hookers. Nick Lachey, maybe? No, Ben Affleck. Jennifer Garner is corn fed from WV, their marriage might be for the long haul and her dog's name is Martha Stewart. All possible clues. Oh, and Dare E. Airre could be J.Lo because derriere is French for butt and J.Lo has a huge one. ...but for some reason I'm still stuck on Nick. Oh, or maybe Ryan Phillipe but who is the new girl. Ugh, these things drive me insane.