Paris Hilton Is Not Dead

...you can all sleep well tonight. CNN, ABC and Yahoo were victimized by bogus reports of Paris Hilton's death in jail. She was not stabbed multiple times with a shank. She did not hang herself with a bed sheet. She was not beaten by the warden.

According to Barbara Walters (coincidentally the first person I'd call if I was ever sentenced to jail) Paris is spending her time in jail having a spiritual awakening. She claims she used to "act dumb" and "that act is no longer cute." Seriously? She's serious? She thinks God has given her a new chance by throwing her ass in jail. It took a trip of jail to make God care - forget about the sex tapes, n-words, Exposed websites, herpes rumors, breakups, makeups, breakups, vagina flashings, nip slips, million dollar lawsuits, DUI arrest, car accident, car accident, car accident, drug rumors, etc... I would believe all of this "playing dumb" stuff if she didn't drop out of high school to dance on tables wearing nothing but a pair of underwear and a cut off shirt that said "Got Blow." Seriously, she's a 26 year-old dropout - that's one loooooong act and unfortunately I have to stay until the end of the play. I have no choice really.

While Paris is finding "god" (which is probably just prison slang for coke), her parents are supposedly trying to earn some $$$ by shopping the idea of a "Get Out Of Jail Party" for Paris to the top Las Vegas clubs, including Pure, the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino and the Palms. A source told PageSix and Paris' dad was originally asking for a $50,000 cash fee to be paid, as well as accommodations and flights. Pure and Hard Rock said 'no' flat out, but George Maloof, who owns the Palms, didn't say yes or no. He happens to be friends with Paris. Nothing says "spiritual awakening after a DUI" like a party in Vegas...execpt maybe Lindsay Lohan leaving rehab to celebrate her 21st birthday in Vegas. Or maybe this all just sounds like "what a bunch of crackheads." [source]