Or Perhaps You'd Like This Woman To Be Your Mom

Holly Schnobrich
Age: 24
Claim to fame: Let 5 year old drive
Net Worth: Judging from the story, white trash territory
Baby Daddy: unknown
Parenting Skills:

• Allowed 5 year old son drive because she was too intoxicated
• Abuses prescription medication including percocet and sleeping pills
• 3 year old was also in the car, crawling around in the backseat
• Neither child was in a safety seat
• When approached a bystander asked Ma'am, are you OK? Do you need some help? Is this your toddler?' She replied, 'Yes, but he's a good driver.'"
• Already pleaded guilty to an unrelated charge of operating a vehicle while intoxicated.
• Charged with felony neglect and public intoxication
• Son said he had a hard time driving because his legs were too short to reach the pedals
• Children were placed into custody of Child Protective Services

A Mouth Only A Heroin Smoker Could Love.

So last week Amy Winehouse went on a binge that uncovered the mysterious ingredients of a hospitalization for "exhaustion." They are as follows: smoking heroin + cocaine + ecstasy + ketamine (animal tranquillizers) + vodka/whiskey x 3 days = exhaustion. Confirming the code name for overdose.On Friday night, just days after her OD, Amy and her husband were caught by her best friend Juliette Ashby smoking heroin in a hotel suite. After a huge blow-up with their family, the relatives continued to try to make her go to rehab and she finally said "OK ALREADY!!" Amy and Blake will apparently be detoxing from heroin and cocaine addiction. I can't imagine the bill on the therapy for that mess. She used to look so much hotter! Seriously. I hope she goes back to the "before" look where she had curves, normal-looking hair, teeth - so she can move on with her insane talent. [source]

Glad I'm Not Her. Really.

The other day Dino covered Lindsay Lohan's upcoming article in Elle where she talks about how she's super responsible and stuff and would never drink and drive. Now there's a video of her interview where you can hear the coke drip down the back of her throat while she's trying to conjure up some big words to describe how she would love to design bags. Coke baggies, maybe. Handbags - I think not.
That Lindsay Lohan. So eclectic and evolving. Like OMG. Her new movie is super duper totally scary. You know what else is scary? Her parents.

Lohan's former bodyguard of three years, Tony Almeida, says neither Dina nor Michael Lohan provided any structure for Lindsay when she was growing up and that both were wild, abusive, neglectful partiers who needed to keep their "cash cow" daughter working to pay their bills. Almeida, who worked for Lindsay from 2002 to 2005, told the new issue of In Touch, "From a young age, she dealt with her father's physical, emotional and drug abuses as well as her mother's drinking."

Once, when Lindsay was 16, Michael flew into a rage while driving and "slammed on the brakes and dragged her out of the car, pushed her up against the hood, screamed at her and called her a slut. This was on the Long Island Expressway! I got in the middle of it and pulled him off." Meanwhile, Dina often "let her do whatever she wanted, just to keep her happy and working . . . [At her 16th birthday party] Lindsay drank whatever she wanted - I saw her drinking beer and mixed drinks with my own eyes [without Dina's intervention]."As Lindsay's manager, Dina - who was desperate to become a star herself - received 10 percent of her income. "Lindsay was the family cash cow - and she resented it," Almeida claims. "They counted on her to pay their bills . . . I saw Lindsay exhausted, begging her mother for some time off."

Young Lindsay's parents looked the other way as she began a life of boozing, boys and drugs. When she was 15, they allowed her to share a room with her then-14-year-old boyfriend, Aaron Carter, at Loews in Miami Beach. Almeida relates, "They knew Lindsay was sleeping in Aaron's room. But they seemed happy she had chosen somebody who could benefit her singing career. By age 18, Lindsay had moved on to harder substances. Almeida recalls walking in on her and another celebrity in a closet at a club one night as they sniffed white powder. The ex-bodyguard also claims Lindsay cried out for help for years by cutting herself and threatening suicide.

Isn't that rich? Really though, just because your parents let you sleep with a guy to advance your music career then pull you out of a car on the highway to call you a slut and then get you totally boozed up and let you move out as long as you're paying their bills doesn't give you a free pass to drunk drive your way into crackheadland.

Denial Denial, I Love You Denial....

For most people, two trips to rehab, a car accident and two incidences involving cocaine found in your property in less than a year would likely be rock bottom. Apparently for Lindsay Lohan, it isn't. After yesterday's DUI her lawyer fired off this statement:

"Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease. Since Lindsay transitioned to outpatient care, she has been monitored on a SCRAM bracelet and tested daily in order to support her sobriety. Throughout this period, I have received timely and accurate reports from the testing companies. Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed. She is safe, out of custody and presently receiving medical care."

Now here's Lindsay's statement to Access Hollywood's Billy Bush:

"Yes. I am innocent... did not do drugs they're not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin's mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy."

Would you like an extra side order of denial to go with your already extra-denialy denial casserole? It's only an additional 50 cents. Lindsay and her lawyer can't even get their stories straight. Lawyer says Lindsay is an addict. Lindsay says she doesn't do drugs and the drugs aren't hers. She was framed. The drugs weren't hers, she's innocent and now she's going to dedicate her life to finding the REAL owner of the drugs. And let me guess, a ghost entered her body and made her fail the field sobriety test. It was someone else's alcohol in your system too, right. It sucks that she was so coked up and drunk that she forgot about the coke in her pocket and failed to swallow it on the way to the police station. She even sucks at being a crackhead. Since she couldn't go on the Tonight Show they brought in the next best thing - Rob Schneider in drag as Lindsay Lohan.

One Needling Blind Vice

Some people love Fake-à-la Ferocity...the rest live to hate her. This do-it-all diva, known to dabble in everything from fab sex to fabber shoes, has her hand in purty much everything these days. Endorsements. Charitable endeavors. Entertainment projects. You name it. And all the wowin' while, Fake-à-la manages to look super-duper delish in the process. Well, she used to, at least.

Lately, F2's once enviable bod has changed for the worse. And her hunky man isn't the only person concerned about the once divinely gifted babe. Nope, now a very few inside Industry types are also concerned 'bout our gal Fakey. See, F.F. has enjoyed a fairly good reputation in the media and rags...until recently. She's known for being accessible, candid and honest. How very friggin' heretical here in lip-cemented T-town! Apparently, Ms. Ef's hiding one helluva secret. And I'm the bitch to fill ya in on what, exactly, it is that has those select few Hollywood movers 'n' shakers so shaking in their Prada wear, regarding Fakey. She's got what's known as...a heroin habit.

Well, she's hardly the first dame in this drug-infested enclave to fall down that slippery alley, right? It's just, uh, so damn rich to find this out, knowing how utterly benevolent our do-goodin' broad happens to be as of late. Gosh, wonder how long before everyone finds out what's really behind Fake-à-la's rapidly withering figure? It'll be "Paris who?" should that happen, trust. It ain't: Jessica Biel, Kelly Ripa or Kiera Knightley It probably is: Angelina Jolie? She used to do heroin in her younger years. She's super skinny. It would be a huge scandal. She used to be sexy. She's into charitable endeavors and entertainment projects. She has a hunky man. Her mother just passed away which is a huge stressor. ...if the needle fits.

Paris Hilton Is Not Dead

...you can all sleep well tonight. CNN, ABC and Yahoo were victimized by bogus reports of Paris Hilton's death in jail. She was not stabbed multiple times with a shank. She did not hang herself with a bed sheet. She was not beaten by the warden.

According to Barbara Walters (coincidentally the first person I'd call if I was ever sentenced to jail) Paris is spending her time in jail having a spiritual awakening. She claims she used to "act dumb" and "that act is no longer cute." Seriously? She's serious? She thinks God has given her a new chance by throwing her ass in jail. It took a trip of jail to make God care - forget about the sex tapes, n-words, Exposed websites, herpes rumors, breakups, makeups, breakups, vagina flashings, nip slips, million dollar lawsuits, DUI arrest, car accident, car accident, car accident, drug rumors, etc... I would believe all of this "playing dumb" stuff if she didn't drop out of high school to dance on tables wearing nothing but a pair of underwear and a cut off shirt that said "Got Blow." Seriously, she's a 26 year-old dropout - that's one loooooong act and unfortunately I have to stay until the end of the play. I have no choice really.

While Paris is finding "god" (which is probably just prison slang for coke), her parents are supposedly trying to earn some $$$ by shopping the idea of a "Get Out Of Jail Party" for Paris to the top Las Vegas clubs, including Pure, the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino and the Palms. A source told PageSix and Paris' dad was originally asking for a $50,000 cash fee to be paid, as well as accommodations and flights. Pure and Hard Rock said 'no' flat out, but George Maloof, who owns the Palms, didn't say yes or no. He happens to be friends with Paris. Nothing says "spiritual awakening after a DUI" like a party in Vegas...execpt maybe Lindsay Lohan leaving rehab to celebrate her 21st birthday in Vegas. Or maybe this all just sounds like "what a bunch of crackheads." [source]

Broken Promises

Britney Spears was out and about clubbing last night. She flashed 1/8 of a nip and her pantied-ass. You guess the substance:

Lindsay Lohan's Bodyguard Tells All - Quits Job After Coked-Up Lindsay Attacks Gun-Wielding Beverly Hills Drug Dealer – Apparently Job too Dangerous

The crazed world of cokehead Lindsay Lohan is blown wide open by the burly bodyguard who quit looking after her... because it was too DANGEROUS. Lee Weaver has told of his two years of hell with the stroppy starlet as the News of the World reveals yet more worrying pictures of Lindsay — this time wasted in her squalid bedroom. Weaver, 48, tells how the 20-year-old Mean Girls star:

ATTACKED a gun-wielding cocaine dealer for ripping her off.

SNORTED line after line with Simple Life star Nicole Richie in a TEN-HOUR binge.

SLASHED her wrists with knives, sobbing that she "didn't belong on this planet".

ENJOYED frenzied lesbian romps with scores of girls she picked up at parties — and even made a play for chart star Mariah Carey.

Here's the fun story:

"I have looked after some of the wildest stars in Hollywood — but never anyone as out of control as Lindsay is," says Lee, 48. "She had a total death wish and took more drugs and drank more than anyone I've met. "I lost count of the times I thought she was overdosing and had to carry her out of parties. Every morning I'd breathe a sigh of relief she was still alive." Lee spoke out after seeing our pictures of drunken Lindsay last week, pretending to cut a pal's throat with a kitchen knife. But any weapon — even a gun — doesn't faze her if she's gagging for cocaine. "In April she asked me to take her to her dealer in Beverly Hills. I knew if I refused she'd go alone — so I took her.

"He was waiting for her in some bushes. Suddenly she started screaming and punching him for selling her short. "He pulled a gun. I got out and he threatened to shoot me unless I got her to back off — but she kept hitting him. Luckily he got distracted and I punched him down. "I dragged Lindsay into the car and drove off but she was screaming at me to go back. It was like Pulp Fiction. I knew then she was just too dangerous to be around." Lee reveals how he often drove Lindsay to join her pal Nicole Richie, 24, for cocaine binges. "Nobody was as wild as Lindsay," he says. "But Nicole came close. Sometimes Paris Hilton would be there but the most I saw her do was drink and strip.

"One night Lindsay and Nicole were making trip after trip to the bathroom — she wouldn't snort in front of me because she knew I'd get mad. "But the more wasted they got the less she cared. In the end they carried in a mirror from the bedroom, laid it on the coffee table and emptied a mountain of coke onto it. They went at the stuff with straws, hoovering it all up then piling more on. "I tried to tell Lindsay to stop but she just told me it was cool. After ten hours I'd had enough and threatened to throw the mirror out of the window. I had to carry her out to the car." But that was no surprise — Lee had been carrying her home since first night he began working for her. His first job was to take her to a party in Beverly Hills. "She'd been snorting all night," he recalls. "As soon as they walked into the party she was snorting more. She got on the coffee table and danced, flinging her dress above her head, her eyes rolling about all over the place. "I told the guy providing the drugs to stop and he just said, ‘No way, Lindsay will go berserk'. Then she started screaming at people and swinging her fists around at anyone near her. "At the start of the night she seemed such a fun-loving, angelic girl but under the influence of drugs she was psychotic. It was 10.30am the next day by the time I carried her to bed."

And when she wasn't snorting coke, she was snogging GIRLS. "She used boys for drugs and girls for thrills," says Lee. "I lost count of the women she took back to her hotel room from clubs. "I even saw her try to grope Mariah Carey's bottom and boobs one night as they danced. One time I went to look for her in a club bathroom and found her in the corner French-kissing a girl." When she wasn't snogging them she was just as likely to attack them. One night, paranoid Lindsay went for blonde actress Jessica Simpson in a club. Lee says: "Jessica was sat with her pals and Lindsay became convinced she was shooting her dirty looks. "She jumped over the table and dived at Jessica pulling her hair out. I had to pull her off her."

As Lindsay spiralled more and more out of control she started to self-harm, cutting her wrists with a knife. "One night I looked at her hands and wrists and noticed they had bright red wounds all over them," says Lee. "She tried to tell me she had fallen but when I looked her in the eyes and demanded to know the truth she just broke down. "She told me, ‘I don't belong on this planet any more'. She said she cut herself because she did not think life was worth living. "The pictures in your paper of her fooling with knives show how disturbing her behavior is." So do today's pictures taken of her partying in her messy booze-littered room, half-dressed, looking painfully thin and spaced out. They emerge just weeks after Lindsay went into rehab for the second time in six months after crashing her Mercedes into a tree.

Lee — who earned £1,500 a week as her bodyguard — is now writing his memoirs about the years he spent minding stars, including Kim Basinger, Brad Pitt, Eddie Murphy, Pamela Anderson, Jamie Foxx and Hollywood's most infamous drug addict Robert Downey Jr. But the minder, who also tells of his adventures on his website leetweaver.com, says Lindsay was the biggest handful of all of them. "I'd never even heard of her when I was asked to do the job. She was only 18 but guarding her was a nightmare and the stress it put me under was unbearable. "I would pray every night she wouldn't kill herself on my watch. "I desperately hope she stops doing drugs but I fear that will only happen when either she kills someone else with her reckless ways — or kills herself."

What a mess.

YOUR 15 MINUTES: The Mayor or Jesus

There must be some crazy drugs going around in Rosemont, Illinois because the town is starting to hallucinate. Some say they see the dead mayor’s face in a tree…others say it’s Jesus. The mysterious bark apparition was noticed less than two months after the town’s mayor died. Donald Stephens was mayor for almost 50 years. The tree, outside a health club, was twice slated to be torn down. It was saved each time because Stephens intervened. YAY! Now, it is guarded by a barricade, and a single candle placed by well-wishers stands nearby.I think it looks like Orville Redenbacher or maybe Charles Manson..or perhaps BARK. [source]

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Oops!

Some parents are up in arms over photos and captions in this year's Conifer High School (Colorado) yearbook that depict underage drinking and illegal drug use.

There were at least five pages that parents found objectionable. Two pages, labeled "Health - addicted to addictions," included photos showing students holding a bong, drinking from a hose and funnel and exhaling smoke. Alongside the photos were quotes from students, some named, some anonymous, about their drug use. "It makes me feel good," an unnamed senior is quoted as saying about marijuana. "It brings people together. If you smoke with someone, you're chill with them." In another section labeled "Regrets and mistakes" there is a photo of three female students - all identified - holding minor- in-possession tickets they were given by police for underage drinking. The photo caption quoted one of the girls saying, "I wish I wouldn't have told the cops the truth when they asked who had been drinking because they made it sound like they would be easier on us, but they let everyone else walk out the door."

Some parents talked to the yearbook adviser, Amy McTague, last week about her concerns and was disappointed in McTague's response. "She went on about it was the students' First Amendment right to freedom of speech, and we disagreed about that," a parent said. "She has betrayed the trust of this community." McTague, who also teaches junior English, could not be reached for comment Monday, but she sent a letter apologizing to parents. "It wasn't my intent or my students' intent to portray such a negative tone in their attempt to cover all aspects of a students' life and some of the very difficult choices they face," she wrote. "Intent, however, is irrelevant at this point; I understand that," she continued. "My editor and I have discussed at length and have agreed that there was no balance on the pages that are of concern and that some elements are completely inappropriate. These issues detract from the many wonderful things that are included in this book." Interim Principal Pat Termin agreed that mistakes were made. "There were some things . . . that I don't feel that I can defend," she said. "There were some pictures and quotes that I do believe have crossed the line." Students can return their yearbook to get a refund or to have the offending text covered with stickers featuring new captions and quotes. The "Health - addicted to addictions" pages will be glued together. [source] Cute solution. Just hope they don't sniff the glue!

Time for an afternoon lesson on the First Amendment:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Unfortunately for Amy McTague, the first amendment only provides her the right to express herself without interference or constraint by the government. It does not give her (or anyone else) the right to say or print whatever the hell they want in a high school yearbook. The first amendment does not afford members of the media any special rights or privileges not afforded to citizens in general. While there may not be governmental boundaries with freedom of speech/press (except when engaging in and/or promoting illegal activities), there are societal boundaries, like the responsibility of her job and/or protecting minors from obscene/questionable material. It's a sticky situation. I mean seriously, what the hell was she thinking? The ramifications of one of these pictures could be life- altering. For example, suppose one of those students wants to run for office. That's obviously not something you think about while posing next to a bong in a high school yearbook but it might come back to kick you in the ass during your campaign - at age 30! So next time you want to pull out the first amendment in a questionable situation, contact your attorney or you might end up without your pension.

Guessing Game...

WHICH rehabbed starlet was in for addictions even worse than alcohol and cocaine? She's still battling a crystal meth habit . . .

I would have to guess either: Lindsay (she was scary-skinny for a while, seems like she never sleeps and she’s a ‘starlet’), Britney (because she’s a total mess), MK Olsen (even though she said she was in for anorexia – there have been rumors) or last but not least - that Miss USA bitch who isn’t really a starlet but went in for alcohol and cocaine.

WHICH state legislator is about to come under heavy fire from gay activists because she's not supporting the gay marriage bill? They say that although her legal residence is in Brooklyn, she really lives with her lesbian partner in Manhattan . .

I don’t know my NY state legislators but this is pretty juicy. I’m sure people who do know the NY state legislators could guess this in an instant.

WHICH bald billionaire had friends worried because he was walking with a cane? He laughed off speculation he threw out his back while overexerting himself one night in the sack.

Ron Perelman is bald-ish. I don’t really know the bald billionaires – just the young ones.

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Toka-Cola

Kenneth Affolter just can’t catch a break. First he was sentenced to more than five years in prison for making pot-laced treats and soft drinks with names such as Stoney Rancher, Rasta Reese's and Keef Kat. Now he’s being sued by Hershey because the names, while witty, can also be categorized under trademark infringement, trademark dilution and unfair competition. According to the Drug Enforcement Administration, each came in packaging similar to Hershey's Jolly Rancher, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Kit Kat candies. The company is seeking $100,000 in damages. Papers were served on Affolter on Tuesday while he was in a county jail awaiting transfer to state prison. Affolter's lawyer, David M. Michael, said he was negotiating with Hershey. [source]

Almost As Vague As Their Blind Items

From PageSix:

Lindsay Lohan just can't seem to stop partying - and, unluckily for her, word on the street is that someone may have recorded her revelry with a cellphone video camera. We can't divulge what Lohan was allegedly caught doing, but if true, it won't sit well with her younger fans. Apparently, all the naughtiness went down last week at a party at a private house in Beverly Hills that was also attended by her frenemy Paris Hilton, shipping heir Stavros Niarchos and Ryan Seacrest. At one point, the party was disrupted by a huge rat that ran into several rooms, causing revelers to scream, drop their drinks and run, until Niarchos kicked the rodent out onto a balcony. A rep for Lohan told Page Six, "I have not heard of this."

Like are they talking about rat as in actual rodent or rat as in slang. Truthfully, rat as in a person who betrays others by denouncing to the authorities almost makes more sense to me in this case. Unless I’m just completely oblivious to Beverly Hills’ rampant rodent infestation. The thought of this is hilarious. As to Lohan’s crime - survey says: I think maybe giving head or making out with her lesbo DJ friend. Although I’m not totally ruling out lines of coke. However, the “younger fan” and “naughtiness” wording makes me tend to think it’s something sexual, not drug-related. What are your thoughs?

YOUR 15 MINUTES: Another Un-Smooth Criminal

A truck loaded with cocaine flipped after taking a curve too fast, spilling nearly a ton of the drug across a Colombian highway. Police said the drugs were hidden in the truck’s walls and roof, which ripped open Thursday when the vehicle overturned in Medellin, 155 miles north of the capital, Bogota. The driver escaped injury but was quickly arrested. Police said the cocaine was destined for the northern port of Uraba, a major exit point for Colombia’s massive drug smuggling industry. Whoops! Must've been good stuff. Don't they have some kind of Colombian drug smuggler manual that lets them know they shouldn't try the product while they're delivering in order to avoid incidents like this. You know Colombian police currently have the cocaine on the way to the northern port of Uraba, a major exit point for Colombia’s massive drug smuggling industry.

Questionable Quotes: Grossest Quote Ever

Keith Richards on his dad: "He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared ... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

HE SNORTED HIS FATHER. I've heard a lot of crazy stuff in my life but this...this... I bet they don't even have a name for this. Wait, I googled it and they do. It's called "Cremlining." Cannibalism = eating humans. Creamlining = snorting their ashes. You learn something new everyday. This is your face on creamation ashes and coke...any questions?!? Seriously, someone should utilize this in an antidrug campaign.

***UPDATE***
Keith's rep says the comment was, "Said in jest ... Can't believe anyone took [it] seriously." We took it seriously because normal people wouldn't joke about things like that. The kind of person who would say it is the same kind of person who would do it.

YOUR 15 MINUTES: You know your substance abuse problem is bad when you mass market new ways to facilitate the abuse

Sick of drinking the same old alcohol and snorting the same old drugs? Here are two stories that challenged my beliefs on potential crackiness of humankind.

Flavored Meth: Makes the Battery Acid Taste Like Chocolate Battery Acid (Your Kids Will Love It - Just in Time for Easter)

Now I’ve heard of mixing Strawberry Quick with drugs (thanks Lindsay Lohan) but meth cooks cooked up a whole new idea in their little clandestine labs. They actually bake flavors (like strawberry, chocolate and soda) into the drugs. Law enforcement and some experts think flavor has been added to make the drug more appealing to children. Just like regular meth, the flavored versions can be broken up into a powder and snorted with a straw, can be smoked or can be reliquified and injected intravenously. Gross. Dr. Alex Stalcup is a nationally renowned drug counselor who has just started seeing teenage patients at the New Leaf Treatment Center who have suffered the ill effects of flavored meth. One of the patients was unaware the substance was meth at all and was told it was a solidified form of the energy drink Red Bull, Stalcup said. Um…yeah right. I don’t believe that kid for a second. Nice excuse though – QUICK thinking. In response to this story, I propose to coin a new drug term - pop rocks. Candy flavored meth is clearly pop rocks and it's so much catchier than "quick meth."

PS. I thought I had to give my passport at the pharmacy and get presidential approval for cold medicine so there wouldn’t be a meth problem in the US anymore. Oh yeah, that’s right…laws like that don’t work. They inconvenience consumers while allowing drug manufacturers and traffickers to often pursue more violent and often foreign means of maintaining the trade.

The AWOL Machine - Attacking America's Obesity Problem One Alcoholic at a Time.

Want to drink but don’t actually want to drink? There's a new low-calorie, low-carbohydrate way for adults to consume alcohol and you don't even need a glass. It's AWOL, Alcohol With Out Liquid, and for the first time, it is available in The United States after successful debuts in Europe and Asia. AWOL consists of two components: an oxygen generator and a hand-held vaporizer. Tubes from the generator attach to the vaporizer. The user chooses an 80-proof spirit, which is poured into the vaporizer. Oxygen mixes with the alcohol producing a mist which is inhaled through the mouth. Alcohol enters the bloodstream through the lungs rather than the stomach making AWOL low calorie and low carbohydrate. The resulting feeling is the same sense of well being an adult gets from consuming alcohol in the traditional manner, only milder. Once the alcohol enters the bloodstream, it affects the body in the same way as drinking alcohol. Additionally, the alcohol leaves the body in the same manner as if it had been consumed by drinking. "One of the ways alcohol leaves the body is through the mouth," Morse said. "Therefore, contrary to reports, the alcohol will definitely register on the Intoxylizer 5000, commonly called the Breathalyzer test which is used by law-enforcement officials to apprehend drivers who are under the influence of alcohol." A Single User Awol Machine - Only $299 Plus $15 Shipping.

Anna Nicole Smith Update

A month and a half after Anna's sudden death, the first round of drama appears to be coming to a close. Dannielynn got her DNA test last week. The DNA was sent to a lab in Ohio and results should be available any day now. Also, today is the day Dr. Pepper is releasing his findings from the autopsy. Speculation says Anna had a severe blood infection from a dirty needle used for an injection in her buttocks, she caught norovirus during the trip and then took too much Chloral Hydrate (sleeping medication) the night before her death. If one didn't kill her, the others did. We'll know more around 10:30am ET today. You can watch the live announcement here.

Manner of Death: Accidental
Cause of Death: Combined drug toxicity (she had therapeutic levels of anxiety/depression drugs in her system, when the sleeping medication (chloral hydrate) was added, it became toxic). Viral and bacterial infections also contributed to her death.

"We found nothing to indicate any foul play," said Chief Charlie Tiger of the Seminole police department. Dr. Pepper also said that Chloral Hydrate tastes nasty and cannot be slipped into someone's drink. He also said that there was not much chloral hydrate missing from the bottle. Howard K Stern did not murder Anna. There you have it folks - Accidental OD - this is why I like innocent until proven guilty.

Cause of death down - DNA results, Daniel's inquest and inheritance to go...

Anorexia Chronicles: She Says It's a Bit of The Anorexia and Bulimia but I Think It’s a Bit of The Old Crack Pipe and Bottle

Amy Winehouse managed to stagger her way onto our blog via pictures of coke boogers up her nose and an edited video of Britney "singing" Amy's rehab song. Beyond her drug and alcohol hijinx, which include showing up drunk to performances, throwing up at performances, not showing up to performances...and beyond her stunning look (seriously, it's like a x26 Taser) she's actually a decent singer. She used to be a cute little Jewish girl before Elvira took her out for drinks, ate her for dinner and then barfed her back up again. Seriously, she's missing a tooth. How does that happen? Better yet, she's worked her way to some performances in the US. ...and as long as she doesn't sing like this, I find her surprisingly refreshing...

Tonya Harding Is A Swollen Mess

Remember Tonya Harding? The best Olympic scandal ever? Nancy Kerrigan's knee, lead pipe, homemade porn movie, went on to celebrity box and live in a trailer near Seattle? Tragic yet hilarious. Anyway, it sounds like she's been smokin some rock cause she recently was accused by her friends of "tweaking out" .

Clark County sheriff's deputies responded to two calls early Sunday involving infamous figure skater Tonya Harding, who was described in police reports as "very agitated" and "tweaking out."

Sgt. Tim Bieber said Wednesday that police received the first call at 4:56 a.m. Harding called police to Yacolt Towing. According to a police report of the incident, Harding said four men and a woman tried to break into her car and steal it and were trying to stash rifles on the side of her property.

She told police she was on "new medication" and was experiencing an adverse reaction. In his report, the deputy wrote that Harding's account was a "very implausible story."

Yes. Very implausible story, indeed. This "new medication" - did it happen to have a Mitsubishi symbol on it, dark heroin-like specks, typically ingested by ravers, and was it labeled, "double-stacked?" Get out your glowstick, folks!

[source]

Paris Hilton Likes Drugs by Courtney Love

I don't know why Courtney Love and her daughter, Francis Bean, decided to go to one of the 6,923 parties celebrating Paris Hilton's 26th birthday but they probably should've just stayed home. Courtney already made the gossip news for two incidents stemming from the party:

• Brandon Davis groping/grabbing/greasing on her and saying "I want to squirt on you".... in front of her young daughter.
• Pissing off Karl Lagerfeld by wearing a dress that is an exact replica of one that walked down the runway recently - but isn't for sale yet.

Now Courtney claims drugs were readily available at the party. Why would she say this out loud? She's revealed she saw a pile of "white powder" in the rest room at the Beverly Hills restaurant The Prime Grill. Do I need to remind you that her daughter was there? If you're Courtney Love I'd think even LOOKING at a pile of white powder would be against the lifelong probation she's likely sentenced to. Speaking of child endangerment, Paris and Nicole are working as camp counselors in the latest installment of their reality show that nobody watches. As Dino reported earlier in the week- to commence shooting, Nicole collapsed on set due to 'dehydration' and had to go to the ER for a snack. So you have a known druggy racist slut (who allows kids and drugs at the same party) and a girl who can’t remember to eat or drink …why not just hire Michael Jackson as a co-star and call it Camp KiddieTrama. On a side note: why can’t Brandon Davis mistake Paris and Nicole’s squawking for actual chickens and accidentally eat them after one of his all-night alcohol/drugs/obscenity binges. Mmmm. Me greasy bear. Me hungry. It's a strange day when Courtney Love comes out of a drug story looking better than the other individuals involved. [source]