Some Obviously Succeeded in Making Her High. Really High.

We are officially in Toni Braxton crisis mode. She's done three things since the 1990's. At each one of these events, occurring over a short period of time this month, Toni has showed one or more of her lady parts. I'm still not sure how to categorize this hurricane: general mid-life crisis, Mariah Carey-breakdown or Whitney Houston-crazy drugged lady. Let's analyze: It appears as if the first wardrobe malfunction was presumably an accident between a fluffy dress, a burst of wind and a pair of granny panties. It is rather easy to not apply meteorology to fashion – my advice, think of the weather as an accessory. Moving on to the purple catastrophe…You would think after her answer was blowing in the wind at the last concert, she would thoroughly adjust her wardrobe to account for possible malfunctions. If only it wasn't opposite day. Who would’ve thought we could get a nip slip, an upskirt shot and the world premier of the blockbuster hit “the only woman who still uses humorously thick maxi pad” out of that one little lavender garment. What an investment. Finally, we have Toni doing some concert for her tour or something. She’s apparently realized that everything has been hanging out lately so she just incorporated the concept into her costumes. The story is complete – we’ve seen her ass. With all that cooter hanging out I was completely distracted from the details…so Toni Braxton is on tour? Why? Does she have a new album out or something? Remember the good, old days when 40 year-old butts and baby-makers remained inside pants and we used to have hot, little sluts grinding their crotches all over stages across America? Sigh.