YOUR 15 MINUTES: Phasing Out The Juice Box

Not too long ago, I wrote a little piece about HASBRO marketing the PUSSY(cat)DOLLS dolls to tweens. I’m about as liberal as they come and I still thought there was a little something wrong with marketing dolls modeled after barely-dressed prostitutes who sing about wishing your girlfriend was as raw as them. ..and we’re not talking about raw vegetables here, we’re talking about the kind of raw that happens to your vagina after a day-long, bent-over-a-table 150 guy fuckfest. Hasbro has since decided that they should probably stop listening to the one horny exec that seems to get a little too excited by little girls’ toys and the Pussycat Dolls dolls are a no-go.

That’s not stopping a sociological change called "age compression" -- the idea that kids may be getting older younger and demanding adult products. Remember when they used to make those cute little motorized Jeeps for kids to use in their driveways? Now they’re making Mercedes and Hummers. I love that we can turn children into ungrateful, materialistic monsters by instilling unrealistic expectations of the world before they even enter elementary school. I had my first cell phone when I was about 15 years-old, it was totally a Zach Morris phone and I was one of the few kids who had one. Some cell phone companies are targeting children as young as five. My 5 year-old niece sends me text and picture messages. The line between children's toys and grown-up gifts is becoming increasingly blurred with iPods, portable DVD players and mini-cellphones. It's reached the point where there seems to be a kids version of just about everything "adult."

Even beer. For example, a non-alcoholic Japanese beer called "Kids' Beer" carries the slogan, "Even kids can't stand life unless they have a drink." Isn’t that slogan fantastic? I love the Japanese. Nothing like starting chemical and psychological dependencies early in life. You can take your kids to the bar and make them feel like they're still part of the party!

Psychologists say treating children like adults can form bad habits for both parents and children. "One of the most common mistakes made in parenting is to think that the child is a miniature adult," said Prof. Lou Aynard, a psychologist with the Family Outreach Network. "The child is not." Of course kids aren't mini-adults. You don't see some asshole adult pounding on the table screaming his head off while completely ruining my lunch, do you? No, it was the small child at the table next to me seated with real adults...both of which had questionable parenting skills. That kid didn’t just need a “kids beer,” it needed a Long Island Iced tea with a few valium ice cubes. And on that note, I’m going to run down to the bar because this day has been incredibly long and I really could use a cocktail. [source]