Tom Cruise, you are NOT the father.

I'll admit that the "Suri Cruise doesn't exist" conspiracy theories are a bit ridiculous, but you have to admit that Tom Cruise knocking Katie up like one month after he met her and started his couch-jumping shenanigans is a little suspicious. Contrary to popular belief, getting prego is not as easy as one would think. Aside from the fact the penis actually has to enter the vagina, there is only an itty bitty window of opportunity each month for Tom's tadpoles to befriend Katie's lone, lingering egg. Apparently that window was accidentally left open during an early-relationship thunderstorm. However, the window managed to stay closed during Tom’s 2 year-long relationship with the ultimate beard Penelope Cruz, the almost ten year-long marriage to Nicole Kidman and his other marriage to that Mimi person (Rodgers, not Carey obviously). Interesting. Yesterday the Xenu Warror Princess made her debut in Vanity Fair magazine. Tom and Kate were hoping the revelation of Suri would put an end to the conspiracy theories. Yesterday we posted a few possible sperm donors the couple might’ve turned to. Since our DNA lab is still down due to renovation, we’re presenting you with a few more baby daddy options today. Ok, I'm officially over Tom, Katie and their anglo-asian baby. These two are crazier than Pete Doherty on a Saturday night and more boring than this year's VMAs. I wonder what celebrity baby is going to take Suri's short-lived spotlight.... hmmmm...isn't Brit Brit about to pop out another Feder-spawn?