YOUR 15 MINUTES: Wife Wanted

If you're an avid Celebrity Hijinx reader, you'll know that I sometimes reference stories from the newspaper in my Hickville, USA hometown. Last year I noticed a WIFE WANTED ad in the classified section. There was a grainy, grayscale picture of your average-looking redneck in a camoflage hat, the words “WIFE WANTED” and his phone number. I honestly thought this was the most hysterical thing ever and WIFE WANTED became an ongoing joke at my house. I've recreated the ad:

The ad ran off and on for a long time and then one day WIFE WANTED added a $500 reward to the ad. Recently I was joking about whether "WIFE WANTED" ever found his wife and wouldn't you know...there was a front page story on it the other day!!!

Months of daily "Wife Wanted" ads in the Press Enterprise finally landed Bernie Fota, 54, his soul mate. After paying $1,500 to a dating service and failing to find love, last year Bernie placed a classified ad in the Press Enterprise. “After failing to draw interest, he sweetened the pot before the ad expired, offering a "reward" of $500 for his future bride. That's when the "riff-raff" began to call. "People into all kinds of things — drugs, alcohol," Bernie said. ***Um... who the hell else did he think was going to call?*** Then on about the 20th day after the latest ad was published his soulmate called– she’s Michelle Smith. "It paid off for me to advertise," Fota said. At 22, Michelle is young enough to be Fota's daughter, but "age don't matter," she said. Michelle describes herself as a Berwick native, an aspiring chef and a single mother of a 2-year-old daughter, Mia. Michelle also plans to become Mrs. Bernard Fota. Bernie, who describes himself as a disabled Vietnam veteran, said he popped the question with a $1,000 diamond ring in hand. She said yes. They plan a quickie ceremony with a district judge before planning a more traditional church wedding. Bernie says they may honeymoon in the Bahamas or Brazil. "We're gonna do it right," Bernie said.

They plan to live on Bernie's $3,000 a month in disability and Social Security checks. They also plan to add more children to the soon-to-be-formed Fota clan. Less than five days after dropping by Michelle's Berwick apartment to meet her, Fota had moved Michelle and Mia out and welcomed them into his Lost Creek home. "We're deeply in love," Fota said, explaining how he connected with his instant family while shopping at the Schuylkill Mall. "(Michelle's) perfect. We don't smoke or drink. We eat right, and we exercise,” Bernie says. Bernie said he also took Michelle to get her "made over" as a "platinum blonde" at a hair salon. “She's a very very pretty girl," Fota said, "very affectionate. She's my angel." Bernie is equally fond of Mia. "She's a great little kid. She needs someone besides her mother," Bernie said.

Asked what they could possibly have in common after just five days, Fota replied, "We're not materialistic. We're very love conscious. "I didn't want someone who was just going to be a sex partner. I wanted a wife. We're soul mates." Speaking of soul, Michelle reports that she and Fota also have music in common: They both like Michael Jackson. So, what prompted Michelle to answer the "Wife Wanted" ad placed by a man twice her age whom she never met? "I got tired of waiting for this guy who was the father of my kid," Michelle said. "He's done me wrong for seven-and-a-half years. I wanted something better." Plus, Mia "needs a daddy," Michelle added. "She calls (Bernie) 'daddy.'" Bernie said he is twice married with a daughter and a son. He's seen neither "since they were in diapers."

****UPDATE*****

THIS JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER... Here's the Latest Story in the "WIFE WANTED" SAGA...

A couple who thought they found love with the help of a "Wife Wanted" advertisement has decided to split just seven days after their courthouse wedding. Bernie Fota and Michelle Smith were wed last Friday by a district judge, just a few weeks after they first met. Now, Bernie, 54, is describing his wife as a scam artist. Michelle, 22, says she discovered shortly after the wedding ceremony that Bernie is a "fake, phony a------. I'm wondering now, where's the love?" Fota said. "It's all going down bad." Bernie said he filed for divorce Thursday. Michelle said she regrets responding to Bernie's "Wife Wanted" ad, and she'll seek an annulment today. "I don't love him," Michelle said. "I love him as a friend."

Bernie said Michelle dropped a bombshell after they were married by telling him she's unable or unwilling to have more children, as they had planned. "It almost seems like a fraud. Like a con," Bernie said. After they were hitched, Michelle said, Bernie wanted nothing to do with her 2-year-old daughter, Mia, from a different relationship. Bernie wanted Michelle's "adopted" grandmother, Angel Jones of Berwick, to take custody of Mia so he could get the girl out of his Lost Creek home, Michelle said. "He couldn't accept my daughter because it wasn't his," Michelle said. "He started changing after we got married. I trusted him and he turned around and stabbed me in the heart. "I've already been through one hurtful relationship." Michelle and Mia are living in Berwick again with Jones.

Bernie says the short-lived romance has hurt him financially because he "showered" Michelle with "diamonds, clothes and money. She wants a car. She wants a honeymoon. She wants everything on a silver platter," Bernie said. "I'm basically broke. I'm on disability." Michelle, meanwhile, says she has no plans of returning to Bernie the $1,000 diamond engagement ring he bought her. "No, he bought it for me," Michelle said. "If I give it back, it's called an Indian giver."

Asked if she and Bernie will ever again meet face to face, Michelle replied, "Hell no." Bernie, meanwhile, said he'll consider placing a new "Wife Wanted" ad in a newspaper.

This is what you call "Gold Digging: Redneck Style"