Squashed by A Beetle

If Heather Mills thought her marriage was bad, her life must really suck now that British press is about to render her unconscious with her prosthetic leg then amputate her head with a spreading knife at high tea. The drama surrounding Sir Paul and Lady Marmalade is reaching an all-time high with more rumors than a middle school girls' locker room. Even London's biggest cokehead Kate is on Team Sir Paul - and so the plot thickens...

Heather Mills last night threatened to sue The Sun — as supermodel Kate Moss became the latest to expose her as a LIAR. Lady Mucca, 38, has instructed lawyers to take action after details of her marriage-split with Sir Paul McCartney were published last week. Her legal team claimed that there had been “false, damaging, and immensely upsetting statements” about the former model. But it is not clear what exactly she plans to sue us about. The Sun will vigorously defend any legal action.

Kate, 32, has told Macca’s dress designer daughter Stella, her best friend, that claims in Heather’s leaked divorce are “utter bullshit”. She alleges he got drunk and stoned, beat her up, stabbed her with a broken wine glass, stopped her breastfeeding (because her breasts are his only). At one point in the papers, one-legged Heather said she had to crawl to the toilet at night without her false limb on because ex-Beatle Paul, 64, objected to her using a bedpan in their bedroom. A friend of Kate said: “Kate reassured Stella that she knew Heather was a liar because she had seen her hopping around. “She said she was ‘jumping around like a fucking gazelle’ and is prepared to swear to it, in court if necessary.”Kate added that Heather is “extremely athletic” and “not the sort of person to crawl anywhere." Why the hell didn't the bitch just throw on her leg and walk to the bathroom? It didn't seem so hard for her to rip it off and throw it back on during Larry King. The pal added: “Kate has met Heather and has seen her with the prosthetic limb on and off. She’s now been telling everyone what a scheming liar Heather is.” Sir Paul was deeply hurt by Heather’s claim that he beat her and his late first wife Linda.

Here are the lies that show she doesn't have a leg to stand on:

LIE 1: Lady Mucca frantically denied working as a prostitute. But in July it emerged she was a £5,000-a-night hooker whose clients including arms dealer Adnan Khashoggi and an Arab prince.
LIE 2: Heather told Sir Paul she had only been a topless model. In June we revealed she was snapped in a string of pornographic poses for a German sex manual.
LIE 3: Her first husband Alfie Karmal has branded her a compulsive liar who left him for a ski instructor called Milos.
LIE 4: Former childhood pal Margaret Ambler threatened to sue Heather over her claims they were abducted and sexually abused as kids. Margaret, 40, insists it was only her who suffered the ordeal.
LIE 5: Mucca — who as a teenager admitted shoplifting — stole the identity of a top investigative reporter with the same name, Heather Mills, in a bid to land a TV job. The real journalist said Heather pretended to be her in meetings with telly executives.
LIE 6: Heather’s dad Mark, 65, says she made up stories about him abusing her as a child.

How the hell does this lying, scheming one-legged porn hooker land a guy with over $1 billion AND NO pre-nup? We should take lessons? Doesn't he have handlers to prevent this kind of thing? I think I'm going to be a professional golddigger-prevention agent when I grow up to keep chicks like Heather Mills and Anna Nicole where they belong. In the trash. I bet he wishes she'd run like a fucking gazelle right through one of those landmines she adopted. [source]