Friday, November 03, 2006

Lyrical Blaster

We're going to take some time today to study linguistics. Particularly, the musings of self-proclaimed master lyricist Kevin Federline. Fresh from tracks off his new CD Playing with Fire--

Let's start off with something light:
No tuxedo cuz they recognize me.
Her lifestyle, the rich living, the fast cars.
Don't hate 'cuz I'm a superstar and I married a superstar.
Never come between us no matter who you are.

Right off the bat, K-Fed reminds us that he is married to Britney Spears and much to everyone's dismay, they will not be separating anytime soon. He also reminds us that his scrubby ass now gets preferential treatment because of his martial status.

I've never been a digger but I rock 'em nuggets.
One earring cost more than your budget.
I ain't here to brag I'm just here to pop tags.
My Ferrari cost more than your lil S-class.
Look man I'm in a whole 'nother tax bracket.
It don't matter what you blow, boy you can't match it.
40 grand I take the whole crew to Miami.
Then we pop Crys off like they won Grammy's.
I take care of my own, that's my family.
Magazine talk 'cuz they don't understand me.

While saying he's not here to brag, only pop tags, he doesn't do a lot of tag popping yet repeatedly brags. I think he uses that line more for the rhyme and less for the actual statement. Kevin Federline has more money than me and he isn't afraid to keep reminding me of that. I guess since he can afford an earring that apparently costs more than my "budget," he doesn't need me to spend part of my aforementioned, one-earring budget on his shitty music. After some more spending-my-wife's money talk, we're back to the family. Kevin says the magazines talk about him not taking care of his family and that they just don't understand him. For once he's right. See, the magazines, like most people, think taking care of one's family means earning an honest living and spending quality time with one's family NOT spending 40,000 of your wife's money and running off to Miami with your boys drinking $450 a bottle champagne while pretending to win Grammy awards.

I'm sure you need a break after that so it's back to something small:
I come tight with every rhyme.
I built a kingdom down the street from Pepperdine.
This marijuana got me heavily sedated.
Im Kevin Federline.
America's most hated (what!)

He obviously can't keep a coherent thought at this point because he smoked too much weed. He thinks he rhymes well...especially because the word 'rhyme' conveniently rhymes with the university that is down the street from his house in Malibu and his last name. Can you believe he was creative enough to think of that? Rhyme, Pepperdine and Federline also rhyme with 'wine' (I could really use a glass) and 'whine' (which is what I'm sick of hearing him do at this point). Oh, and then he mentions that people hate him. Yep, that's about right.

Here's more:
Im on the frontline.
Dodgin cameras like the one time.
Cant even chill in this california sunshine.
But its okay, i got somethin for ya.
Im handin out ass kickins like diplomas.
Who the first to get it? Ya know K Feds wit it.
All that shit rappers talk about, I already did it.
Im committed - to the game.
The fames why I hustle.

Oooh more -ine/-ime rhymes. So what do you think he really knows about handing out diplomas? Seriously. Kevin Federline and diplomas have never even been in the same room.

Kevin then says: "All that shit rappers talk about, I already did it." Well then...if they already talked about it, why even bother? It's not like these lyrics are anything fresh and new. It's the same few things: he thinks he's a superstar, his wife is a superstar, he has a lot of expensive things and he is better than everyone else. Oh, and did I mention his wife? Plus, if I ever have to hear one more thing about Cristal I'm going to vomit. Rapping about Cristal is so five years ago. Didn't Jay-Z boycot Cristal in the rap world due to racist comments like 6 months ago? Oh wait, that's right...K-Fed isn't IN the rap world and he's also white.

We're almost done, I promise:
Im bigga than you.
Im sicka than you.
Im here now.
So they not gon pay attention to you.
They listen to dude.
I sizzle the booth.
Im livin the truth.
You fuckas talk shit.
Couldnt fit my shoes.
I got my blue yankee fitted on, watch to match.
Little boys we can get it on.Watch your back.
I got my name spreadin faster than crack.
And thats just a fact.
Sucked in Americas hate and now im passin it back.

Ok so he's fat and has the flu or he's still just shit talking. At this point, if I was a man and he was rapping in front of me, I'd punch him in the face. His ego is ridiculous.

I wonder if the shoes he's speaking of here are the same used shoes he's giving away to the poor, sweet Britney fan who is brave enough to go to his crappy concert? Most of this phrase is really just rambling bullshit so we don't have to spend much time on it. My advice though: considering his reputation, he should've taken the time to compare the spreading of his name to a less ghetto, more expensive drug.

Last but not least:
Who told this bastard that he cant rap
I got 50 mill.
I can do whatever I want I dont need a deal
I can do whatever I want I just keep it real
I can say whatever I want
Dont buy my shit
I bet your girl ridin to it
With her hair in the wind
And her mind on the new kid
The most anticipated
But still underated
Kevin Federline - Americas Most Hated

Whoever told that bastard he can't rap was right. Kevin decides to go a little Cartman on us, then he once again reminds us that because he married Britney Spears, he's very rich. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't realize that record companies don't give people money because they need it, they give them money because they have talent. Then he tells us not to buy his shit, as if we were really considering any other option at this point. He throws in a few delusions of grandeur and then thankfully closes out with the truth.


Anonymous said...

this is really funny. he's really bad!

Anonymous said...

what a fucken faggy dork this K-Fed loser is. OMG he's just such a fucken DORK!