Firecrotch Hits The Pole

Lindsay Lohan, best selling author, philosopher and spiritual leader, known for her social grace, elegance, beauty, glamour and fashion sense has already completed the third email in her prolific trilogy “The Painful, Unedited Fall of A Semi-Literate Movie Star.” The first two are here and here. The last episode in this trilogy takes a brutal look at the trials and tribulations of exotic dancers and the experience of a young actress trying her hardest emulate them (for an *imaginary* Oscar):

Subject: They're all whores, they're all whores . . . xcept for some obviously!

Email: "So . . . 3 hours of pole dancing and bruised. everywhere . . . I mean we're talkin' like, UPPER AND INNER THIGH ACTION-bruised . . . like a walking black-and-blue mark. I mean really though, really, I didn't know it was actually possible to have bruises in such areas of the body. Strippers dude, I tell you, I really respect the cunts now. . . I'm not gonna lie to ya."

You can’t get too much more respectful than calling someone a whore and a cunt all in the same email. Really. It’s the new handshake.

This whole email comes to light as Lindsay is training to dance on a stripper pole to prepare for her role as a topless dancer in her new movie, "I Know Who Killed Me." Although I’m surprised she has to ‘train’ for this, I see they’re finally casting her in appropriate roles. I still expect pole dancing would be difficult for Lindsay Lohan because it takes balance, strength, rhythm, coordination of motor skills…all those things that are impaired by constant substance abuse. Like when you go to a strip club there’s always that one cracked out dancer who thinks she's super sexy but she REALLY just can’t pull it together and you throw pennies at her so she’ll go away. It's like throwing a naked Courtney Love on stage anytime before the 2005 house arrest that helped her kick her gnarly drug problem.

This Lindsay Lohan/stripper movie might be a brilliant idea -- remember how Elizabeth Berkley was ostracized after Showgirls? Take that and then multiply it by Lindsay Lohan.[source]