Thursday, January 18, 2007

Le Fall de La La Lohan

I'd like to take a minute of everyone's time, and ask them to do a little self-reflection. Find your OM and maintain steady breathing... in through the nose, out through the mouth. That's it... slow.

Apparently Miss Lindsay Lohan skipped her morning yoga class. Instead, she signed into rehab, a bible in one hand, and this list, courtesy of Xine, in the other...

1. The Biggest Mess of 2006 goes to Lindsay Lohan

  • kicked bulimia. She was bulimic, right? Wait, no she wasn’t. Wait, yes she was.
  • Love life: Flipped out on Brett Ratner is a slimy, not-so-attractive, closer-to-40 than-30 director
  • Dated Jamie Dornan, Keira Knightley's ex. Harry Morton. Some British lothario Etc.
  • Had a horrendous interview with Matt Lauer – he asked questions and she responded with sniffles.
  • Obviously worked harder than all of the non-working people she knows
    Still, partied. a lot.
  • Fought with Paris Hilton
  • Was on the receiving end of the Firecrotch incident
  • Wore some horrendous outfits that the 80’s wouldn’t even wear..
  • Cut her leg with a teacup after falling on some stairs because she just got out of the bath and had lotion on…
  • Apparently grew a 7 ft. long clit
  • Hung out with almost-dead Karl Lagerfeld until she did too many drugs yet gained too much weight
  • Partied some more..
  • Turned 20
  • Kept herself in the press by calling herself a ‘dirty girl”
  • Firecrotch started dating the owner of Pink Taco who happens to be really, really rich
  • Used her freckly face to do an ad for Proactive earning her $2 million. She should’ve done an ad for a company who sells freckle juice to cover up blemishes.
  • Showed off her boobs
  • Made up with Paris Hilton
  • Crashed her car
  • Collapsed, again.
  • Received a nasty, nasty letter from a studio head about her lack of professionalism and general stench
  • Partied with her mom, who by the way, is the New White Oprah
  • Fought with Paris Hilton again
  • Was the subject of her father’s epic prison sketches
  • Engagement rumors
  • Broke a wrist
  • Grew a double chin
  • Partied with Kate Moss
  • Cut her own wrists aka. Fell in a bush
  • Chased down police
  • Wrote several career-damaging emails
  • Called some people ‘cunts’
  • Showed off her fire-cooch
  • Freaked out at some awards dinner
  • Started stripping. For a movie, of course
  • Made fun of strippers
  • Made fun of by strippers
  • Joined AA
  • Promptly forgot what the second ‘A’ stands for…
  • Probably “collapsed” at New Years…
    …and scene.

K. Add "entered rehab" at the bottom there, and I think the list is pretty much complete.

Lindsay had this to say, "I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time."

Lindsay, so like, see you at da club this weekend, right?


Anonymous said...

What a mess she's become, she went from upcoming superstar to cracked out washup, pretty much, can't say I'm that upset about it either.

xine said...

Dino, thanks for posting this! I was trying really hard to write about it but my brain still hasn't recovered from my vacation. I think I need rehab too. A nice relaxing trip to the "spa" (with benefits) or an appendix operation or something.

I shouldn't be joking about that - I have a real surgery next week and everyone is going to start accusing me of jetting off to rehab.