Cirque du Anna

It’s utterly amazing to see the amount of brainless vigilantes have come out of the woodwork after with their masters degrees in CSI (the TV show) to help solve the mystery around Anna Nicole Smith’s death ONLINE and usually anonymously. Over the past few (snow) days, I’ve entertained myself and simultaneously boosted my self-esteem by reading through blog entries and comments about Anna Nicole drama. Quite frankly the storyline is crazier than an episode of NBC's Passions and it’s unraveling at warp speed to the point that I can’t even type fast enough to keep up. So, first I’m going to address a few general guidelines:

• Don’t immediately believe everything you read – tabloids are making tons of money off this story and they’re going to embellish and lean towards the most scandalous possible outcomes. Simple concept, right?
• Let’s just jump right into the juicy stuff - TMZ broke a story that Dr. Sandeep Kapoor, who practices in Los Angeles, wrote a prescription for methadone (the giant bottle in her fridge, maybe???) on August 25, 13 days before Anna Nicole gave birth and shortly before her son died with that drug in his system. The drug was shipped to the Bahamas.
• First of all people, methadone is not the street drug methamphetamine (aka meth) nor is it the prescription version of methamphetamine. It’s a synthetic opioid, used medically as an analgesic (painkiller for chronic pain) and in the treatment of narcotic addiction (often heroin). It’s a legal, Schedule II pharmaceutical.
• It is not illegal for a doctor to prescribe this to a pregnant woman nor is it illegal for a pregnant woman to take this drug. Therefore:
• Should the prescription be medically necessary, Dr. Kapoor should not loose his license. He has every right to prescribe this to her, pregnant or not.
• Just because it came to her during her pregnancy, does not mean she was using it during pregnancy.
• The child should not be taken away because of abuse – many women who are addicted to heroin are often encouraged to take methadone under the care of a doctor as opposed to using street drugs. While no drugs are safe, this is accepted as safer.
• This being said: do not take it upon yourself to write to the CA Medical Board to have his license revoked or call the FBI or do any of the other crazy things I’ve seen people suggest. There will likely be an investigation and if he has conducted himself in a manner that is medically appropriate, things will be fine. The guy isn’t running around LA biting the heads off small, innocent children or anything.
• Lastly, I want to address people’s complete disregard for other people online. It’s disgusting and ugly. Some of the comments like: “You must be Muslim or Hindu....GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM!!!!! That so called doc IS not from this country.. We should hang him...” “all the dot heads are taking our jobs” and “it figures a terrorist was giving her the drugs.” Seriously? I find this amazingly offensive. Where is all of this hate coming from? It seems like people need to step away from their computers and start learning respect for people and how to appreciate diversity. There is a well-defined line between funny and hate.
• Actually I have another “LAST” thing. This is just a pet peeve of mine since I seem to be getting some things off my perky chest – many people have begun to refer to Dr. Kapoor as Dr. Death and are saying the family should sue, he shouldn't be allowed to practice medicine, etc. At this point, we don’t know if he was being irresponsible, if the patients abused the drugs without his knowledge or if Anna even died due to the methadone. But let’s get to the moral of the story – I think in today’s society, people forget that we all die. Medicine isn’t perfect. I’m so sick of people suing and blaming the doctor when things don't go as planned. It’s just important to remember that it’s not so abnormal for a 39 year old drug abuser/extreme dieter/frequent (?) plastic surgery patient who was suicidal to drop dead from soooooomething or a 20 year old on too many antidepressants who gets into his mother’s methadone or my otherwise healthy 54 year old mother who had cancer. It happens. It might suck but it happens. It doesn’t mean it’s a doctor’s fault, a reason to ruin someone’s reputation or that it’s worth compensation. The end.
• Now I know Anna Nicole stumbled and slurred a lot but believe it or not, she’s human too. I do genuinely feel bad for everyone who knew her personally because it’s difficult to lose someone and probably ten times worst when it's continuous national news. Although she might have seemed totally nuts to us at times, that’s probably the same thing people loved about her. I think it’s rather harsh to start calling Howard K. Stern a murderer or accusing Anna Nicole and her son of an incestuous relationship. Remember 'innocent until proven guilty' from like 4th grade social studies class? Presumption of innocence. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to read those kinds of things. Just imagine when Dannielynn is old enough to discover the internet. Oh my god, I have feelings. Where did these coming from? Make them stop.
• One thing we can posthumously call Anna – easy cheese. Here’s an update on the current baby daddy drama which is quickly turning into an episode of “I slept with 13 men and I’m not sure which one is the father” episode of Maury:
• Baby Daddy 1 – Howard K. Stern – he adamantly insists that he is the father of his dead faux wife’s baby due to “timing” of the conception. That’s what they all say.
• Baby Daddy 2 – the ever-so-persistant Larry Birkhead – I have never seen someone want to be the daddy of a baby so badly. Will someone please just give this guy a kid already?
• Baby Daddy 3 – (fake) Prince Frederic von Anhalt, the husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor, claims he “may or may not be the father” of the baby due to his 10 year affair with Anna. He recently filed his own lawsuit to establish paternity.
• Baby Daddy 4 – Alexander Denk – Anna Nicole’s bodyguard says he could be the father.
• Baby Daddy 5 – could it be the frozen sperm of her dead billionaire husband?
• Baby Daddy 6 – Mark "Hollywood" Hatten. Who? Some guy in prison in CA who claims he gave Anna a sperm sample and she said, "Congratulations Mr. Hollywood, you just made a deposite (sic) in the Anna Nicole sperm bank." Hatten adds, "I am formerly (sic) requesting to compare my DNA to both Anna Nicole and the infant child Dannielynn."
• Baby Daddy 7 – Do I have any takers? Moral of the story - if you sleep with 3,938 guys in one month and get knocked up, get a DNA test immediately after birth so your family doesn't have this kind of mess to deal with in case you suddenly pass away. I made the following chart to assist with visualization:

I think it's the old guy. The really really old one. They look so much alike. So I’m going to round this incredible weird, long post up with a short but hopefully sweet review about the current status of this soap opera:

Paris Hilton should thank her racist stars Anna Nicole passed away. Saved once again! Anywho, Anna’s WT mom and Howard’s lawyers are battling it out in court right now to figure out which one of them gets her body. In the meantime, to prevent further decay, a judge finally ordered her to be embalmed. Howard claims he has a dress she had specifically tailored for her funeral and wants to bury her in a plot she bought next to Daniel’s grave in the Bahamas. Of course her estranged mother wants to bury her in Texas…probably behind Jim's Krispy Fried Chicken. In the meantime, real CSI are at the house in the Bahamas looking for evidence in a break-in which likely supplied TMZ with all of their “medical evidence.” Enough DNA has been taken from her body and is secured so we will know who the father is eventually. It will take even longer to figure out where the money goes. We’re still waiting for additional tests from her autopsy. In response to Anna’s death, Bobby Trendy, the tacky hot glue and tulle designer from Anna’s reality show summed it up with “Thank Anna for making me famous. When you think of Anna, think of red, white and pink hearts. She was love as she taught love. She was the breadwinner and supported four people by baring her breasts and genitals for men and women. She was an entertainer who will be missed.” I could lose the whole genitals bit but she will be missed! Fin.

*UPDATE* - Anna had a rather outdated will from around 2001. Howard is named as Executor in the will. This might mean he will get control of her body. All of her assets were left to Daniel who obviously won't be getting them. In an interesting twist, the will has language that excludes Dannielynn or a "future" husband from any inheritance. A crazy court battle over the estate is virtually guaranteed.