John Stamos is having whatever Paula Abdul had...

Rosie Still Making Waves

It's nearly been a month since RoRo left The View, and she's still be able to both stay in the spotlight and create controversy. I think she's wonderfully open, aggressively argumentative sometimes, but mostly a pretty cool lady.

Well, this time, Rosie is in the news for stirin up some controversy. Rosie went and posted a picture of her daughter, Vivi, on her blog. In this picture, the ADORABLE child is wearing a strap with plastic bullets.

Here is what some of her "fans" had to say about it:

Neelie: That is a horrible picture of Vivi!!

Karlaro: I agree with you on mostly everything. But somehow I found the picture of Vivi disturbing. I don't even let my children play with anything similar to that. It's just a comment. But oh well!!!!!

David: that picture is gross! I am disturbed...leaving your site for a clearing of my mind as to what you are up to!Keep reading for more Rosie readers revolting. Yeah, I have the alliteration in me!

Rosie finally responded today on PEOPLE.com - here's what they had to say:

O'Donnell also addresses the issue in her Ask Ro section. One reader wonders, "Ammunition belts like that aren't sold at toys r us. What would prompt her even [to] want to do that without a little help from you? SAD!"

Replies O'Donnell: "buycostumes.com."

Indeed, a search of the site turns up the $6.99 Bandolier Bullet Belt Deluxe, described as "A great accent for your military or cowboy costume!" One caveat: "These are costume accessory bullets intended for decorative purposes only. (These are NOT real.)"

[source]

Someone Crazier Than Hasselbeck Gets the Boot from The View

The saga continues... Hasselbeck has been defaced.

The New York Post's Page Six column reported that a Rosie O'Donnell staffer was escorted out of the ABC building on Thursday after she was caught drawing moustaches on pictures of Hasselbeck that hang in the View studios. O'Donnell's rep was not immediately available for comment Friday. I think it's funnier that it was a girl that drew the moustaches.

ABC confirmed in a statement that "photographs at The View's offices were defaced," the Post reports. "Rosie O'Donnell was not in the building. ABC Legal and Human Resources are investigating the matter." The statement did not say who was responsible for the vandalism.

[source]

Snub or Snafu: Elizabeth Hasselbeck More Tragically Unhip than Tai Fraiser

Cold shoulders, anyone?

Questionable Quotes/Celebrity Clone: Hogan Knows Worst Edition

Remember Donna Hogan, Anna Nicole's less-fortunate-looking half-sister? The one who wrote the scathing book about Anna Nicole only after she couldn't come back from the grave to kick her ass on Jerry Springer. Well, according to PageSix, people are still listening to Donna and this time she's talking about how she wants to become the next Anna Nicole:"A few years ago, Playboy approached me and I almost agreed to do it. But I was too chicken. My boobs weren't big enough," Hogan says. "But now, if Playboy called, I would probably do it. I just had a birthday and I'm going to treat myself to new boobs. I just want to get my body to where I want it and I'll be ready to step in and do it . . . You'll definitely see a transformation in the next year."

PageSix, like myself, thinks Donna might be overestimating her sex appeal. If she's going to become the next someone - I'd say it's more along the lines of Hulk or Linda Hogan. Are you sure the Hogans aren't all half-siblings? Ok seriously, this is a woman who wrote a whole book based on how her horrible, rich sister never helped her financially while she had to live in a shelter to protect her three kids. Now she runs a gift basket company and can treat herself to boobs for her birthday. Come on, lady. Send your kids to college with the money so they don't have to sell their sister's life story for boobs too.

Paula Abdul Breaks Nose After Tripping Over Her Fat Ass Chihuahua which is ironically also known as "The Smallest Breed of Dog in The World"

One of these 4 stories was undeniably a freak accident.

Guess the freak accident:

Paula Abdul broke her nose over the weekend after she fell while trying to avoid stepping on her Chihuahua, her publicist said Monday. "I took a nasty fall ... trying not to hurt my dog. I bruised myself on my arm ... my chest, my waist all the way down to my hip. All from my little chubby Tulip," Abdul said. No dogs were injured during the incident.

This is like the time Lindsay Lohan was preparing breakfast with eggs and everything that she was going up the stairs carrying a ceramic teacup. She had just come out of the shower so she was still wet and had some lotion on and she completely slipped on the stairs since it was slippery. The teacup went flying, it shattered and one of the pieces cut Lindsay forcing her to go to the ER. Or the time David Hasselhoff had surgery after severing a tendon in his right arm in a freak accident in a London gym bathroom when he was shaving and hit his head on a chandelier, showering his arm with broken glass. Or the time I accidentally superglued my eye shut trying to fix an acrylic nail while talking on the phone and they had to cut off my eyelashes and slice my eye back open then scrape the contact off my eye (because it was also superglued to my eye) so I ended up spending the night in the hospital on morphine and had to wear an eye patch for a few weeks.

Your YouTube Fix: CH PSA - Bad Touch

Holy Shit: See If You Can Wrap Your Brain Around This Mess

Paris Hilton's rep is hitting back at Shanna Moakler, calling her actions "childish" and "mean-spirited" after Shanna posted contact information for Paris online over the weekend.

"This woman is simply desperate for press and attention," said Elliot Mintz, he who orchestrates Paris' damage control. "Shanna deliberately posted Paris's phone number and e-mail address on her Web site. It was an unprovoked invasion upon Paris's privacy, which immediately caused her to change her contact information. It was a childish, mean-spirited thing to do. And we are not going to dignify such an action with any additional comment."

The drama started over the weekend, when Shanna wrote a blog (titled, "Put This In Your Pipe and Smoke It") on her MySpace page:

"I posted this blog back in January to let you all know that my accounts were hacked. ... and since there are 2 little girls with to much time on their hands and no one to love them....id like to share my 'hacked' info as well. ive tried to disassociate myself from both these parties for some time now and like a fungus they wont go away."

The posting then listed what she claimed were the e-mail address and phone number for Paris and e-mail addresses for Lindsay Lohan.

By Sunday, the post had been pulled from Shanna's page, however she put up another missive saying, "There are numerous reasons why i posted my last blog and I stand behind every single one of them."

Here's the part that confuses me... you'd think that Shanna Moakler would have her hands full with three children and a rocky relationship with Travis from Blink 182. Where does someone like that find time to sit around on Myspace? I mean, I have a day job which means I basically have 8 hours a day to paruse Myspace and start shit. Leave the Myspace drama to those with full time jobs, Shanna.

[source] + [source]

Train Wreck: #1 on the NY Times WORST Seller List

I think Vergie Arthur has the DNA necessary to produce the pretties special ed class ever.

As I mentioned yesterday, Vergie's daughter/Anna's half sister wrote a book called Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith (likely with a ghostwriter since she's barely literate). Donna has been making media rounds promoting the book saying she wrote it to "set the record straight" about Anna. When Donna visited Dr. Phil's show recently, he set her record straight. McGraw asked Donna how she could "set the record straight" considering she had not seen or spoken to her sister in 12 years. SNAP. McGraw also asked if it was true that the only time Hogan was in Smith's physical presence was years ago when Hogan stood in line to greet Smith at a bookstore calendar signing, which Hogan denied. The Dr. Phil show agreed to embargo the episode, which was taped weeks ago, until today, the week of the book's official publication date, at the request of Hogan's publisher. But directly after the taping, Michael Viner, president of Phoenix Books, Hogan's publisher, reacting to Dr. Phil's tough questioning of Hogan regarding the book's content, asked the executive producers of Dr. Phil not to broadcast the episode. [source]

Howard K Stern: You are NOT the Father

Anna Nicole Smith Update

A month and a half after Anna's sudden death, the first round of drama appears to be coming to a close. Dannielynn got her DNA test last week. The DNA was sent to a lab in Ohio and results should be available any day now. Also, today is the day Dr. Pepper is releasing his findings from the autopsy. Speculation says Anna had a severe blood infection from a dirty needle used for an injection in her buttocks, she caught norovirus during the trip and then took too much Chloral Hydrate (sleeping medication) the night before her death. If one didn't kill her, the others did. We'll know more around 10:30am ET today. You can watch the live announcement here.

Manner of Death: Accidental
Cause of Death: Combined drug toxicity (she had therapeutic levels of anxiety/depression drugs in her system, when the sleeping medication (chloral hydrate) was added, it became toxic). Viral and bacterial infections also contributed to her death.

"We found nothing to indicate any foul play," said Chief Charlie Tiger of the Seminole police department. Dr. Pepper also said that Chloral Hydrate tastes nasty and cannot be slipped into someone's drink. He also said that there was not much chloral hydrate missing from the bottle. Howard K Stern did not murder Anna. There you have it folks - Accidental OD - this is why I like innocent until proven guilty.

Cause of death down - DNA results, Daniel's inquest and inheritance to go...

SideShow Vergie and Her Traveling Circus

I know I promised I wouldn’t do anymore Anna Nicole Smith posts but alas, it’s my blog and I thought this was too morbidly amusing to ignore. Call me a big old promise breaker if you’d like…the comment section is below.
Start rolling, Anna. Good thing Vergie wore those orthopedic shoes. Someone at that cemetery owes her B$1.53 for her 20 minutes of labor. That was the most entertaining display of old-person stamina EVER. Someone get her a cocktail. Get me one too while you're at it. Glad to see good old Vergie has the coping skills to focus the early-morning loss of her imaginary money tree into something positive. The hole had to be filled, right? Story of her life. snap. Seriously though, I don’t remember making dirt castles during burials. In fact, I don’t remember any dirt. Is this dirt play common? I thought like a priest just sprinkled some on with his little funeral dirt shaker as a symbol. I definitely don’t remember shovels or wheelbarrows. …or is that an actual golf cart with a trunk full of dirt? How delightfully tacky.

PS. They know what killed Anna but they're not going to release it until after the police investigation is completed. I think it was Colonel Mustard in the billard room with the candlestick. I just want the comprehensive story delivered to me in a 1 hour Law and Order episode.

From Golddiggin' to Gravediggin': The Story of Anna Nicole Smith

I promise this is my last Anna Nicole post...

Superthanks to Dino for keeping my Anna Nicole Smith postmortem obsession alive on Friday. They've been trying to throw her into the ground for a almost a month now and the day it happens, my laptop decides to hate all wireless networks and then refused to even acknowledge their existence. It started connecting to them again late last night so if Anna decides to resurrect on the third day, I'll be able to blog about it.Before work this morning, I watched Part 1 of the Anna Nicole Smith Funeral mini-series orchestrated by Entertainment Tonight (TiVoed). Media outlets shelled out big bucks for coverage rights. Speaking of the words 'big' and 'bucks'…Vergie the money hungry gravedigging Hutt woke up at the butt crack o' dawn on Friday to file a petition with the Bahamian Supreme Court in a reeeeeaaaaaly last ditch effort to block the funeral. Like so last minute that the hearse was already outside the church with the body in the trunk just waiting to hear if they could finally start start the services or if they had to follow Vergie's orders to morph into a Duck Tour amphibious vehicles and head off into the Atlantic Ocean quacking. When the petition was denied, Vergie and her quadruple chin then had the nerve to show up to the services in her best funeral muumu...late and in tears. Of course the sole reason for her tears was the realization that Anna’s grave would not be writing out paychecks to supplement her pension. Her tears were just conveniently appropriate since she went straight from the court to a funeral.

For some reason, Vergie, Larry Birkhead, Howard K. Stern all gave eulogies. Call me crazy but the last people I would want giving my eulogy is an estranged white trash family member and one of my ex-boyfriends. I mean seriously…how can that happen? I’m not a huge fan of anyone named Howard Stern but he managed to say some really nice things about Anna during his eulogy and still gave Vergie a verbal middle finger in the midst of it all. I think Anna would’ve been proud. Here are some excerpts via ET:

The truth, there's only one truth, and it's not what people say in court, even if those people are your blood relatives. It's not what people who claim to be your friends say to the media. ... The truth is what your life ... what you touch, what you feel, what you see with your own eyes, what you observe for yourself. I know the truth about Anna. ...

No one could give Anna the credit she deserved. It doesn't matter what anyone says. We know the truth. ... People questioned whether she was bright, she didn't graduate from high school... I could guarantee you, Anna was smarter than I am. She became a household name. [She was one] of the most famous people in the world. It didn't happen by accident, it wasn't managers, lawyers, agents, it wasn't me, it was all her. ... Anna was an entertainer, a true entertainer. It didn't matter if she was acting just with her friends, she knew what people wanted and she gave people what they want. ... It didn't matter where we were or who was there -- actors, musicians, politicians -- everybody's focus was on Anna. She was the center of attention, it wasn't even close. ... Marilyn Monroe was her idol, [and] I'll bet you if they lived at the same time, and they met, Marilyn would be flocking to Anna. It's not disrespect to Marilyn ... it's just that Anna was that special.

When Anna was alive it was one thing, but it was wrong for people to portray Anna the way they did when she passed away in the courtroom, in the media...so-called family members, people who claim to be friends, lawyers and even the judge ... if these people have decency, or dignity, or any concern for Anna or Dannielynn, they wouldn't have done it ... it was disrespectful, but not the truth that I know, not the truth that I know. ... She controlled her life. Her opinions were her opinions, and her judgment wasn't clouded by anything, she was wonderful and she was kind. To me she was perfect. ... She lived her life in a fishbowl and fought with one of the richest men in the world, all the way to the Supreme Court, and she was publicly ridiculed every day. ... The only thing she couldn't overcome was the death of her son, Daniel, who was the world to her. And I quote [from Anna's eulogy for Daniel], 'You were my rock, the only one that kept me solid. ... You were always afraid of dying, and I never believed you, and now you're gone. It's so hard to think of you ... my heart is empty, I will come home to you.'

From the day that Daniel passed, she had nightmares that Daniel was lost and he didn't know what to do. ... Well, Anna, today you are going home to Daniel to the Bahamas and in heaven. I understand how you felt when Daniel died because you were my rock, and now my heart is empty. I wish God took me instead. ... When we were together, it didn't matter what people said, nothing mattered because we knew the truth. ... Sometimes it felt like it was us against the world. I can't believe that you're gone and you're not here to protect anyone, and honestly, sometimes I don't know how I'm gonna go on, but I know that my work isn't done. I still have to protect you, I have to protect your wishes, I have to protect your name, and most of all I have to protect Dannielynn, and I promise you, as long as I'm still breathing, I will, no matter who comes at me. You and I, we know the truth. We lived it, and that's all that matters. When my work is done, I promise you, I will come home to you again, both you and Daniel. I love you."

Vergie managed to spew this :

"I was there when God gave you to me. You were a beautiful baby, you were so loved. We all loved you and have so many stories to tell about you. So many great times, so many fun times. We watched you grow into a beautiful woman and we watched you stumble a few times ... but you always got back up and carried on. So headstrong, you accomplished all of the wonderful dreams that you wanted. You have shown us that if you want something in life bad enough, walk tall and never quit.We've always been here for you. We love you and know that you loved us. Goodbye, my baby daughter."

Larry Birkhead gets his own post. Keep scrolling down for more eulogy-mania...

Inside Anna Nicole's Diaries

LRM, a faithful Celebrity Hijinx reader, just pointed me in the direction of NY Post gossip columnist Cindy Adams. Ms. Adams wrote a little piece on Anna Nicole with some interesting family and personal information. Here are some excerpts:I have just seen Anna Nicole Smith's diaries. I held them in my hands. They encompass 1992-1994. One simple in expensive booklet said: "Vickie Smith, Do Not Read." One was a purse-size spiral notebook with blue-lined pages. One was inscribed "Guess Jeans."I leafed through a brown leatherette book stamped "Business Cards" that held her Vickie Lynn Smith driver's license in Texas. I rifled through canceled checks and receipts, like for a Bloomingdale's $16,954.66 Chanel watch. Hubby Howie Marshall was no cheapo. It shows her drug life as a kid. Her doing pills as a kid. She was sure close with Virgie Arthur in those days, and mama was not what you'd call one of the all-time best role models in captivity. We're talking heavy-duty partying together. Drinking together. Her mother's phone numbers are scribbled in pencil inside the back flap of one book. With her handwriting misspellings - "namonia" for "pneumonia," "emigrant" for "immigrant," "nos" for "knows" - the diaries tell her feelings about sex, and who was her best lover. They reveal Anna's thoughts about her many vices - men, alcohol, sleeping pills, psychiatric medication. And in Operation Dèjà Vu, they address the subject of how many men could have been the father of her pregnancy scare while she was Mrs. Howard Marshall. At one point she writes of husband Howard Marshall: "I love him so much." At another it's: "I need some support, and I just don't have any. But I have Jesus."

The pages, actual photocopies of her handwritten diary, will make her sister Donna Hogan's upcoming tell-all "Train Wreck." Five of them. The cache is very telling. In the old-fashioned days of news reporting, they'd call it hot stuff. As we speak, an offshore gambling site, The Golden Palace, has paid $100,000 for a 5 percent interest in what's now being called The Lost Diaries.

And while we're on Follow the Money: Anyone wonder who's footing mama Virgie's bills? Mama Virgie can't even spring for her own bar tabs, so how's she flying to Florida and staying over and the Bahamas and staying over and packing along $500-an-hour attorneys who eat three meals a day? That whole cast of characters fighting for her bones and her kid and her money, none - without Anna - have a buck and a half to rub together. It's look to the media, kiddies. Everybody's doing this on the come. It's sell a book, sell photos, sell secrets. A British news agency is footing Virgie's bills. The agency is also bidding on The Lost Diaries. Everybody will now make a buck off Anna. Why should it just be Howard K. Stern?

Even an old boyfriend - and there's plenty of those - crept out of the woodwork to claim Anna died of lupus. "Entertainment Tonight" is following that little nugget with the world's foremost specialist in that disease, Dr. Robert Lahita. And why must the players in this drama all have three names - Anna Nicole Smith, Howard K. Stern, Dr. Robert . . . Anyway, with deep pockets behind Virgie's lawyers, look for her to continue the fight - in the Bahamas - to get control of the body of that daughter with whom she drank.

Deja Vu: The Fight Over Anna Nicole's Body is Back On!

Seriously guys, I'm unhealthily obsessed with this saga.

Here's the quick update: Anna's estranged mom from Texas, Vergie the Hutt, decided to appeal Judge Crazy Man's decision to give Anna's remains to some lawyer who decided to bury her in the Bahamas. Of course this happened after Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead and everyone else in the history of the world fiiiiiiiiiiiinally agreed on something: that Anna Nicole should be buried next to Daniel in the Bahamas. Larry and Howard were even finishing each other's sentences in a press conference. I think there was world peace for a second. In the meantime, while her daughter's body is decomposing in a morgue, Vergie decided to give one last ditch effort to get that money tree she thinks will grow out of Anna's grave. The case is being heard as I type. Watch it live here.

BREAKING NEWS: He Is The Decider...kind of

Judge ADHD Crazyman has ruled in favor of Dannielynn. He passed the buck to some court appointed attorney/guardian who MUST discuss how her remains are handled with Vergie, Howard and Larry. Then he cried. Then he said he wants her buried with her son in the Bahamas. The guardian, Richard Milstein, agreed and said the body should go to the Bahamas. Larry and Howard even appeared at a press conference singing sweet songs of "we love Anna and if this is what is best for her, we're ok with it." Of course it can't be that easy - shortly after the press conference Anna's psycho mom decided to appeal the decision. Classy.

It's Really SO Outrageous: Day 2

Brief update from Anna Nicole Body Trial Day 2 (Wednesday):

• You can read the Day 1 update here.
  
• The Judge decided he’s going to drag this shit on until Friday, a day before the Medical Examiner wants to kick Anna Nicole out of the morgue. He's never going to get his own TV show because there's no way he could fit a case into a 1/2 - 1 hour timeslot.
  
• The Judge has to be the most verbose man I’ve ever heard in the history of wordy people.
• When Texas (his name for the mom’s lawyer) said something about this case being a Circus. Seidlin said, "Don't use that term. It turns me off. There is no circus here, my friend. ... There's nothing circus. If you want to say circus, say circus equals attention." Ok…. I think he just needs some of Anna’s clown face paint to bring him out of denial.
• This judge has the worst ADD I’ve ever seen. In the middle of one discussion he stopped everyone and began rambling about how everyone needs to love each other because some religious wars don’t let people love each other and everyone needs to hold hands an honestly it made less sense than I’m making now. Kumbaya.
  
• Anna’s mom took the stand and was a horrific witness. She blatantly lied about receiving money from Splash News but then retracted her lie in the afternoon. She said called "a close friend" of the family, David Leigh, as a journalist with Splash News has been attending events with her including yesterday’s trial. Although, she could not identify precisely where Leigh lived in Florida and she said he did not know Daniel even though he was at a memorial service for him in the Bahamas. David paid for some of Vergie’s flights. Whenever she was caught in a lie or she didn’t want to answer a question, she would freak out and start crying like she was overcome with emotion. She repeatedly answered questions by screaming stuff about Howard.
• They took a fieldtrip to the morgue during the lunch break to view Anna's body. Tasty.
• I guess I should mention now that they suspect Anna's mom tipped off the media about the secret lunchtime viewing. Apparently the Splash News journalist was traveling with her. Leaking that information violated a confidentiality agreement.
• Howard was a rather boring witness. He didn’t want to talk about Anna’s drug use. He admitted she took prescription medication including methadone. Anna paid for all of Howard’s expenses. He said he made approximately "$60,000 - $70,000" in 2002 and $12,500 from the E! reality series "The Anna Nicole Show." If Howard wins the inheritance case, he will get 6% or $6,000,000 in compensation as her lawyer on the 14+ year case. He’s now borrowing money from his parents. He plans to work when he’s done grieving.
• Larry Birkead took the stand. I’m unsure what a potential baby daddy has to do with where the body goes but I guess it’s no more irrelevant than the rest of this crap. Honestly, I didn’t pay much attention to him. He went on and on about Anna, Howard and drug use. He said he makes money of archived photos of Anna. Blah blah blah the end.
  
• Proceedings started today at 10:30 am ET. You can watch it here.
  

I want more clown faces! Everyone needs to show up tomorrow in clown face.

It's Really SO Outrageous

Here are some highlights from what turned into the Anna Nicole Smith Body Trial of the century yesterday (did anyone remember it was fat Tuesday?):

• Judge Larry Seidlin started off the day by asking Howard K. Stern to write Dannielynn's name on an easel under the word "daughter” for unknown reasons.
• After a short discussion with my father, who is a judge, I’ve confirmed my suspicions that the theatrics are in full effect - Judge Larry S. is using his 15 minutes for a TV deal. It’s a shame really because my father was going to come out as a potential baby daddy. Now I think his services would be best used in the courtroom. He’d really make a perfect TV judge. Much better than Larry S. and certainly better than Judge Judy.
  
• Anyway...Stern's lawyer Krista Barth complained that Larry Birkhead’s lawyer, Debra Opri, said Howard killed Anna in the courtroom.
• Howard K. Stern took the witness stand this afternoon and said some stuff like this:
• He and Anna became intimate over the past few years and decided to keep the relationship a secret. Of Anna he said, "We became more than friends, she was my whole world, everything to me. She was my lover." Of Daniel, Anna's son: "Daniel Smith was "like a brother" to him. He also said that Anna had boyfriends throughout this period of time because he just wanted her to be happy. So basically, he was her fuck buddy. Oh, and J. Howard Marshall was truly the love of her life.
• He said "She talked of death really from the time that I met her.” She though she would die young like Marilyn Monroe and wanted to be buried next to her but it was too expensive. Is there room next to Marilyn? I thought Paris Hilton buried her goat there.
• After Daniel died, Howard suggested they bury him in LA but Anna insisted on the Bahamas. She made Howard check the plots because she and Daniel were afraid of bugs and she didn’t want any getting into the coffins.
• She attempted to crawl into Daniel’s coffin at his funeral.
• He said, "She died emotionally when Daniel died. It was the reason why she didn't want to bury him than earlier than ... she did. It was the most difficult thing that I've ever seen anyone go through.”
• Howard didn’t want to be known as a “gold digger” which is why they never legally married. …buuuuuuuut they were going to get married at the end of the month.
• Howard was supposed to be in court for one day but the Judge asked him to stay longer. They compromised when the judge pulled two private jets out of his ass and let Howard choose one to fly him back to the Bahamas for the night.
  
• Her emballmed body is decaying at the morgue and the Medical Examiner wants her ass out of there by Saturday.
  
• The drama begins again today at 9:30am ET. Watch it here.

Xine's Courtroom Commentary: Can someone please tell me what's so difficult about all of this: the will was so poorly written that Howard doesn't stand to gain much regardless of what happens in the courtroom. Also, let's remember that Anna's estate is basically broke UNLESS she gets the inheritance she was fighting over for 14+ years. Howard was listed as the executor, give him the body and let him bury it in the plot she bought next to her dead son. Take the goddamn DNA and send it to a lab. Put Vergie's fat ass back on a plane to Texas and stop wasting the taxpayers' money.

Cirque du Anna

It’s utterly amazing to see the amount of brainless vigilantes have come out of the woodwork after with their masters degrees in CSI (the TV show) to help solve the mystery around Anna Nicole Smith’s death ONLINE and usually anonymously. Over the past few (snow) days, I’ve entertained myself and simultaneously boosted my self-esteem by reading through blog entries and comments about Anna Nicole drama. Quite frankly the storyline is crazier than an episode of NBC's Passions and it’s unraveling at warp speed to the point that I can’t even type fast enough to keep up. So, first I’m going to address a few general guidelines:

• Don’t immediately believe everything you read – tabloids are making tons of money off this story and they’re going to embellish and lean towards the most scandalous possible outcomes. Simple concept, right?
• Let’s just jump right into the juicy stuff - TMZ broke a story that Dr. Sandeep Kapoor, who practices in Los Angeles, wrote a prescription for methadone (the giant bottle in her fridge, maybe???) on August 25, 13 days before Anna Nicole gave birth and shortly before her son died with that drug in his system. The drug was shipped to the Bahamas.
• First of all people, methadone is not the street drug methamphetamine (aka meth) nor is it the prescription version of methamphetamine. It’s a synthetic opioid, used medically as an analgesic (painkiller for chronic pain) and in the treatment of narcotic addiction (often heroin). It’s a legal, Schedule II pharmaceutical.
• It is not illegal for a doctor to prescribe this to a pregnant woman nor is it illegal for a pregnant woman to take this drug. Therefore:
• Should the prescription be medically necessary, Dr. Kapoor should not loose his license. He has every right to prescribe this to her, pregnant or not.
• Just because it came to her during her pregnancy, does not mean she was using it during pregnancy.
• The child should not be taken away because of abuse – many women who are addicted to heroin are often encouraged to take methadone under the care of a doctor as opposed to using street drugs. While no drugs are safe, this is accepted as safer.
• This being said: do not take it upon yourself to write to the CA Medical Board to have his license revoked or call the FBI or do any of the other crazy things I’ve seen people suggest. There will likely be an investigation and if he has conducted himself in a manner that is medically appropriate, things will be fine. The guy isn’t running around LA biting the heads off small, innocent children or anything.
• Lastly, I want to address people’s complete disregard for other people online. It’s disgusting and ugly. Some of the comments like: “You must be Muslim or Hindu....GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM!!!!! That so called doc IS not from this country.. We should hang him...” “all the dot heads are taking our jobs” and “it figures a terrorist was giving her the drugs.” Seriously? I find this amazingly offensive. Where is all of this hate coming from? It seems like people need to step away from their computers and start learning respect for people and how to appreciate diversity. There is a well-defined line between funny and hate.
• Actually I have another “LAST” thing. This is just a pet peeve of mine since I seem to be getting some things off my perky chest – many people have begun to refer to Dr. Kapoor as Dr. Death and are saying the family should sue, he shouldn't be allowed to practice medicine, etc. At this point, we don’t know if he was being irresponsible, if the patients abused the drugs without his knowledge or if Anna even died due to the methadone. But let’s get to the moral of the story – I think in today’s society, people forget that we all die. Medicine isn’t perfect. I’m so sick of people suing and blaming the doctor when things don't go as planned. It’s just important to remember that it’s not so abnormal for a 39 year old drug abuser/extreme dieter/frequent (?) plastic surgery patient who was suicidal to drop dead from soooooomething or a 20 year old on too many antidepressants who gets into his mother’s methadone or my otherwise healthy 54 year old mother who had cancer. It happens. It might suck but it happens. It doesn’t mean it’s a doctor’s fault, a reason to ruin someone’s reputation or that it’s worth compensation. The end.
• Now I know Anna Nicole stumbled and slurred a lot but believe it or not, she’s human too. I do genuinely feel bad for everyone who knew her personally because it’s difficult to lose someone and probably ten times worst when it's continuous national news. Although she might have seemed totally nuts to us at times, that’s probably the same thing people loved about her. I think it’s rather harsh to start calling Howard K. Stern a murderer or accusing Anna Nicole and her son of an incestuous relationship. Remember 'innocent until proven guilty' from like 4th grade social studies class? Presumption of innocence. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to read those kinds of things. Just imagine when Dannielynn is old enough to discover the internet. Oh my god, I have feelings. Where did these coming from? Make them stop.
• One thing we can posthumously call Anna – easy cheese. Here’s an update on the current baby daddy drama which is quickly turning into an episode of “I slept with 13 men and I’m not sure which one is the father” episode of Maury:
• Baby Daddy 1 – Howard K. Stern – he adamantly insists that he is the father of his dead faux wife’s baby due to “timing” of the conception. That’s what they all say.
• Baby Daddy 2 – the ever-so-persistant Larry Birkhead – I have never seen someone want to be the daddy of a baby so badly. Will someone please just give this guy a kid already?
• Baby Daddy 3 – (fake) Prince Frederic von Anhalt, the husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor, claims he “may or may not be the father” of the baby due to his 10 year affair with Anna. He recently filed his own lawsuit to establish paternity.
• Baby Daddy 4 – Alexander Denk – Anna Nicole’s bodyguard says he could be the father.
• Baby Daddy 5 – could it be the frozen sperm of her dead billionaire husband?
• Baby Daddy 6 – Mark "Hollywood" Hatten. Who? Some guy in prison in CA who claims he gave Anna a sperm sample and she said, "Congratulations Mr. Hollywood, you just made a deposite (sic) in the Anna Nicole sperm bank." Hatten adds, "I am formerly (sic) requesting to compare my DNA to both Anna Nicole and the infant child Dannielynn."
• Baby Daddy 7 – Do I have any takers? Moral of the story - if you sleep with 3,938 guys in one month and get knocked up, get a DNA test immediately after birth so your family doesn't have this kind of mess to deal with in case you suddenly pass away. I made the following chart to assist with visualization:

I think it's the old guy. The really really old one. They look so much alike. So I’m going to round this incredible weird, long post up with a short but hopefully sweet review about the current status of this soap opera:

Paris Hilton should thank her racist stars Anna Nicole passed away. Saved once again! Anywho, Anna’s WT mom and Howard’s lawyers are battling it out in court right now to figure out which one of them gets her body. In the meantime, to prevent further decay, a judge finally ordered her to be embalmed. Howard claims he has a dress she had specifically tailored for her funeral and wants to bury her in a plot she bought next to Daniel’s grave in the Bahamas. Of course her estranged mother wants to bury her in Texas…probably behind Jim's Krispy Fried Chicken. In the meantime, real CSI are at the house in the Bahamas looking for evidence in a break-in which likely supplied TMZ with all of their “medical evidence.” Enough DNA has been taken from her body and is secured so we will know who the father is eventually. It will take even longer to figure out where the money goes. We’re still waiting for additional tests from her autopsy. In response to Anna’s death, Bobby Trendy, the tacky hot glue and tulle designer from Anna’s reality show summed it up with “Thank Anna for making me famous. When you think of Anna, think of red, white and pink hearts. She was love as she taught love. She was the breadwinner and supported four people by baring her breasts and genitals for men and women. She was an entertainer who will be missed.” I could lose the whole genitals bit but she will be missed! Fin.

*UPDATE* - Anna had a rather outdated will from around 2001. Howard is named as Executor in the will. This might mean he will get control of her body. All of her assets were left to Daniel who obviously won't be getting them. In an interesting twist, the will has language that excludes Dannielynn or a "future" husband from any inheritance. A crazy court battle over the estate is virtually guaranteed.

On Again Off Again Since 1989

While rumors are swirling that Kim Mathers may be marrying Eminem for a third time (shortly after their second divorce) she's telling Dr. Keith Ablow that Eminem's misogynistic behavior forced her to attempt suicide. A true testament to the modern American marriage. Anyway, I was pretty convinced that the terms of their first divorce included something like "The petitioner is informed that under the terms of this divorce she is allowed to open her mouth but is not allowed to utter words, articulate sounds, express thoughts, opinions or feelings orally.” I guess that provision went down the drain in the second divorce because she actually speaks:

PS. Can you believe the difference a little tranny makeup makes? To the left is Kim on the Dr. Keith Ablow show which must be a little low on funds for hair and makeup. On the right is Kim at her second wedding to Eminem on my birthday last year.